Why did you leave your last employer?
Well technically I didn't leave of my own volition. I was asked to leave the premises-immediately.
What do you think to be your best talent?
I can put both ankles behind the back of my head. Wanna see?
Why should I hire you?
Because I'm armed. (Point to your holster carrying your loaded 9mm.)
What can you offer us that no other applicant can?
A long history of state-mandated psychiatric evaluations.
What's your worst trait?
...shrug... (You don't have any. Remember that at all times.)
We will be conducting a background check, which includes a drug screen. Are you willing to undergo such testing?
Um, well, yeah, but can that drug screen thingie wait a week or so?
Would you be willing to take a cut in pay?
For insurance purposes, would you be adding any dependents?
Excuse me, but I am way too young to be wearing those adult diapers.
What was your biggest accomplishment with your last employer?
Well, I'd have to say it was a pretty big deal that I didn't smack the fucking shit out of my boss.
If I were to contact your previous employer, what would they have to say about you?
How the hell should I know. I'm not psychic. Oh. Wait a minute. This isn't a job for one of those psychic hotlines is it? Cause, well, you know, I was told not to call those numbers anymore.
Ok, well thank you for your time. We'll be in touch soon.
Ok, but can you make sure you don't call before noon? I don't really get out of bed until then.
Here are some other pointers for guaranteeing you leave an impression unlike no one else:
*pick your nose.
*burp. then giggle.
*for one question, interrupt after every word.
*when invited into the office for the interview, skip while humming a little tune.
*when leaving and offering up the traditional good-bye/thank-you handshake, place your hand firmly in the potential employer's hand, smile big and say "you're the man!" (or woman)