Pesticide Used In Africa To Kill Lions

I watched this earlier this evening and wept.

"African herders whose livestock and livelihood are threatened by lions are killing them in the most effective and economical way they can. And overwhelmingly, that is by using a cheap American chemical called Furadan. It is marketed as a pesticide, to be used for protecting crops. But it's bought by many to kill animals. And that’s one reason why, conservationists say, Africa's lions are in trouble."

When a lion kills a cow, farmers sprinkle an insecticide called Furadan on the carcas prior to the lions eating it. Furadan, a substance banned in the UK and greatly regulated here in the States, although the EPA is working to get it banned, is cheap and easy to get on the open market in Africa. It is odorless and tasteless and virtually shuts down the nervous system, causing a slow, painful, horrific death.

Lion population has declined upwards of 85% over the past 20 years in Africa for a variety of reasons (mostly if not all due to the actions of humankind). It's on the verge of becoming extinct. It's an atrocity what is happening in Africa, and yet there is always an underlying issue at play that must be considered. When you are a farmer whose livelihood of self and family depends upon "x" crop and that crop is being threatened by outside forces (animals, disease, people...) it's easy to resort to desperate measures to keep that cash flow coming in. Thankfully there are conservation groups who are working with these farmers by reimbursing them financially for any loss of their crop, or in this case, cows. In order to recoop the loss, farmers must allow the conservationists to inspect the cows carcass to ensure no Furadan is present.

Stories like this make me think yet again how (ridiculously) damn important the System creators have made money. When people are willing to kill to survive, to keep from losing an income, you know our species hasn't evolved much beyond the period from when we were dragging our knuckles on the ground. While understandable from a perspective of human survival, we can be doing things differently to ensure such things like this do not have to happen. The idea of these conservationists is simple and brilliant. While it doesn't remove money from the equation (ah but I can dream), it solves the issue plaguing the farmers and the lions. I applaud them for their efforts.


Internal Ramblings

Just some of the thoughts and observations going through my mind lately.

Dogs are smart. While I've been told they (and all animals) lack a frontal lobe which means they lack the ability to rationalize, question, etc. and hence operate purely on instinct, I have come to the conclusion that this is a load of crap. Dogs really are like people. Some kind of lack the smart gene, others have it oozing from their beings while the rest of us fit somewhere in between. Not that I'm biased (who, ME??), but I happen to believe my dog is one of the smartest I've had the wonderful pleasure of knowing. Take today for example. I was on the phone with my mom when I let our little pooch in from outside. She's still wearing a little spandex t-shirt from her surgery last week. Before she goes outside to relieve herself, I pull it down over her rear pushing her legs through the two end holes. She isn't crazy about this. In fact, she's sent me plenty of signals telling me "WHEN CAN WE TAKE THIS THING OFF PERMANENTLY". However, she's a real sport and seems to know why she has to wear it.

So back to my story. I let her in. She sees I am on the phone and heads to the back of the house. I haven't had a chance to put the t-shirt back on her hind end so I call for her. She is usually a very good listener, certainly when I make it clear I really need her to come to me now. However, this time, she ignored me. In fact, she sat in the bedroom at the end of the hallway, looking at me with a look that said "what" as I said "come here" repeatedly.

Uh huh. Little stinker. She saw I was on the phone. A landline phone that plugs into the wall, which means I am not free to roam (at least not to where she was). Therefore, she figured I would have to put down the phone and come after her. So she decided she'd take her chances that I would opt to stay on the phone and deal with the t-shirt situation later. She was right. That takes some thinking and planning.

Can you take anymore doom and gloom of the current agendas? I can't! I want to be aware but it seems the more aware I am, the more apathetic I feel. It's one thing to be informed and to do the informing, but what good is any of that knowledge without the organization with others and self-empowerment? Winter's left us but I still feel the need for a long winter's nap.

I saw a woman on public access television talking about how she and her spouse bought over 70 acres of land for $60,000 back in the day. Blah blah blah. I had to shut it off. I cannot stand hearing people talk about the days when land was affordable for most everyone. Just once I'd like to hear someone like this offer up an acre for a couple grand. Help out those who have been priced out of the market. Start a new trend instead of following the damn status quo/what the market dictates. For all of the progressives in my area and elsewhere, they sure seem to step out of those progressive shoes when it comes to real estate.

I made some awesome brownies today from scratch. Real chocolate, dark, organic. Real organic butter. Real vanilla. Organic flour. Lots of walnuts. Oh god are they awesome! Very moist inside with a nice crust. Maybe I can let our local co-op sample them and sell them. They really are that good. (and half gone--at least that's the latest from Mr. N)

I need a haircut. Or a thinning out as I call it.

I've had some wild thoughts lately. One about our body's evolving so that there is less waste. Sometimes I think "why must I pee/poop so often??" We arrive to a place where we utilize exactly what the body needs, perhaps even leading to the point where there is little (if any) need for the bladder, the kidney, etc. Personally, I feel we're headed to a point where we realize we don't even need a body and can comfortably come and go (in and out of the body) at whim. I certainly feel that thought within me as a pull, a desire.

Along those lines, I had the thought that perhaps this (seemingly) dark agenda to control us, do us in, etc. has behind it an "alien" intelligence that guides the puppets in government to create situations in order that we may wake up to our potential--or as I call it, remembering who we are and bringing this to the forefront of our human experience. I didn't like that thought for it felt like we're all pawns in some experimental classroom, which in a way I guess we are. However, I certainly don't believe this (if true somehow) to be some requirement--simply an experiment we've fallen prey to. I'm certainly of the belief we have had "alien" intervention over the course of our species evolvement. The questions are: is this intervention of the benevolent kind? malevolent? As a bit of both? Certainly I believe beings of ALL kinds have a mix of both good and bad, with some having agenda's for goodness and others for darkness.



I have some things I am wanting to sell on craigslist. However, in a move of stupidity, they decided that in order post anything, one must create an account, which includes providing a phone number for verification. Talk about intrusive and invasive. I avoided doing this for months. Well, I finally caved. We need the cash. So....Upon entering the phone number, a call is immediately placed to the phone whereby a phone access code is given, whereby you then are to enter that code online.

Here's my situation. We own one phone. A land line. We are also on dial-up. That means when I enter our phone number, in order to receive the access code, I must sign off. By the time that is done, the call has already been placed and I must retrieve the code on my voice mail. Sounds easy enough. However, when signing back on again, there is no place in which to enter the access code. All I am directed to is the phone verification page, where I am told to enter my phone number. When I do that, I am told a call has already been placed and to enter the access code on the next page. However, THERE IS NO ICON TO DIRECT YOU TO THIS ELUSIVE NEXT PAGE.

Apparently, Craigslist staff are under the illusion that their users have a cell phone and/or are on high speed internet. They have not planned for the fact that these do not necessarily apply to everyone. I've written these fucking idiots 3 times now, asking for assistance, all to no avail. Apparently I will have to borrow a friend's cell phone in order to get this accomplished.

Ridiculous. Hence my title "hey craiglist, YOU SUCK". If they get back to me I will remove this post. If not, it stays up.


Spiderman To The Rescue: A Real-Life Hero

A heart-warming story.

Insurers Say "We Won't Charge More For Sick People"

Nice little headline, eh? The term 'read between the lines' applies to this one. Also notice the "we will comply as long as American are required to have health insurance" statement.

As I keep saying, remove the concept of profit from the basic human needs: housing, health care, food and h2o. As I also keep saying, if we are to insist on having a monetary based system whereby we insist on having a sliding scale for income/wages, then we must equally insist on having a sliding scale fee on all goods and services.

Continued Intrusion Into And Erosion Of The 2nd Amendment

Uncle Sam says by putting more gun restrictions on private citizens, they can protect you from the boogie man.

Never mind the fact that if someone wishes to kill themselves, they will find a way.

Never mind the fact that if someone has the intention of killing others, they will find a way.

Never mind the fact that pump our children full of toxic shit that alters their behavior.

Never mind the fact that the gov't is 50 plus years ahead of current known technology and can enact a variety of mind-control techniques on the populace at random.

Never mind the fact that the majority of gun owners are responsible.

Never mind the fact that the majority of guns used in violent acts are stolen or otherwise obtained in illegal ways.

Never mind the fact that creating a paper trail is not going to stop someone from committing an act of violence.

Need I REALLY go on here folks?


Tribute To Classic Comedy

I grew up watching Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, Victor Borge, Tim Conway and Red Skelton. I call such comics geniuses of silly. There was no need to put someone down or attack another offensively or be overly crude or innanely sarcastic (which permeates today's comedy) in order to be funny. There was a sense of joy in what these folks did. Simple, silly and hysterical. Genius.

Lately, our local PBS has been running some classic Red Skelton moments. I want to share (paraphrased) with you a few pieces of his humor. It's difficult to fully get the scope of the humor when you aren't hearing the words come out of his mouth so all I can say is imagine the hysterical fluidity of his voice and face. I laugh so hard, I miss some of the lines that follow.

This particular joke, he's playing Freddie the Freeloader (FF). He's speaking to the gentleman (G) of whom he is giving a shave. I laughed for a long while after hearing this one.

FF: "I was talking with my friend the other day and looked down. Guess what I saw?"

G: I don't know. What did you see?

FF: What did I see? Why I saw an ear.

G: An ear?

FF: Yep. My friend says, 'Whose ear is it?' So I said 'Stick your finger in it and if it feels good, it's yours.'

He did these two characters, two seagulls by the name of Heathcliff (H) and Gertrude (G). Here's a couple of jokes using these two birds. When he would share these particular jokes, he'd position his arms like wings and use a silly voice.

(H): Hey Gertrude, did you hear what happened to my cousin Polly the Parrot?

(G): Uh, no. What happened to Polly the Parrot?

(H): She asked for a plain cracker and she got a "salted".

(G): Are you worried Heathcliff? You sure look worried.

(H): Oh yeah, I am worried.

(G): About what?

(H): Oh, I'm worried about Willy the Whale.

(G): Willy the Whale? What's wrong with Willy?

(H): Oh well you see, Willy's in love with a submarine.

(G): A submarine?

(H): Yeah. And whenever the sub fires a torpedo, Willy hands out cigars.


A Plea To America

This post is about change. It's about changing our concept of what it means to be human. It's about changing how we have been living out in the world. I read a lot of things online about outrage over the banks mishandling of our dollars, over the numbers of jobs being lost, the bailouts, the foreclosures, the credit crunch. And yet, with all of the outrage, the majority of the people are still playing around with old beliefs. In short, people are still clinging to the old archaic system.


Go to that heart place and feeeeeeeeeel. Remember what it's like to look at others through eyes of equality. Remember what it's like to feel free, to be in charge of your life, to feel alive. Remember what it's like to do something new and different.

The term "think outside the box" applies more today than it ever had in our modern history.

For starters (and I say for "starters" because this is only the beginning of a totally new journey of revamping how we live/think/believe/interact with one another), let's start utilizing our innate and oft neglected talents and gifts as a means of making a living for ourselves. While we go through this time of chaos, let us start realizing that a NEW community can be built upon each individual contributing their own gifts and talents as they see fit. And for all that is good in the world and the universe, WE NEED SOMETHING NEW.

Who needs these strip malls? Who needs to live in a town with 15 fast food restaurants, 5 office supply stores and endless big massive chain stores? How about instead we encourage--no, we command--local government and investors to invest in the INDIVIDUAL ENTREPRENEUR? How about instead of building yet another unnecessary store that sells cheap items from China we instead command local government and investors to utilize that space for the creation of indoor/outdoor community gardens and community centers? How about instead of letting all of these buildings remain vacant for ONE MORE MOMENT (nothing gets under my skin more than that absolute atrocity of a usable wasted resource) we command our local government to turn them into free and affordable housing for the homeless and poor?

Let's begin to talk about this thing called "money". Aren't we all tired of how it's been designed to control our lives???? Unless we can devise a system whereby everyone is given an equal amount every month, we need to come up with a system that is not based on money. I know, unpopular. Unheard of. To some, downright unfair.

And yet to those who would say that, I would say "Fine, keep things as they are. I'm looking for something different. Now if you would please step aside and give me the freedom to do just that." You like the current system? Fine. You can have it. I want, I need something different based on my belief system. And as I have long believed, there is never such an event as when only 1 or even 2 individuals share the same belief.

Let's organize. Let's talk. Now. Please, if anything I say resonates with you, don't just simply post a nice little accolade in the comment section. That is not what I'm after. This post is not about ego-stroking. It's me saying I have truly had enough and I wish deeply to speak with others who are like-minded only (there is no room in my heart, no space in my mind and no patience left in my soul to debate any of this or convince the current system worshippers and supporters) about relying on ONE ANOTHER instead of the government and big business and the banks to move us forward.


For starters, if you happen to know of such a forming community, here are some of the skills/gifts/talents offered by my family: gardening, childcare, writing and editing, woodworking, basic home repair and construction, musical composition and performance, dog care/training/homemade dog food and treats, cooking, conflict resolution, sales


A Miracle.

The last couple of weeks, in particular the last 6 days, have been an emotional roller coaster for Mr. Nina and I. But there's very good news at the end of this particular journey.

A little over two weeks ago, our little dog and Mr. N had a near-collision in the kitchen. In trying to avoid my hub, little dog attempted to move quickly on the linoleum. In doing so, she seemed to injure herself for she came running back to my side immediately, shaking and whimpering. I found my husband and asked him what had happened. We decided to watch her and see how she moved around. She seemed fine after a few minutes. We even went for a nice long walk later in the day. The following day, she was showing signs of pain when walking up a step and climbing into her bed. Figuring it was likely a pulled muscle or other soft tissue injury, we decided to wait it out. Well, after a week, she was still showing signs of difficulty. So we took her in to the vet for a full exam, including blood work, urinalysis, and radiographs. At the time, the vet said it appeared to be some hip dysplasia setting in or perhaps a disc issue.

Well, you can imagine our shock and devestation when we returned 4 days later for a consultation and were told (and shown) that a large mass was found next to her spleen. We were horrified. We had options of course, including further testing. But given the location and size and the potential for a rupture as well as the fairly good chance it was not benign, we said "Take it out." So surgery was scheduled for the following Monday morning, first thing.

What a weekend. I did my best to remain calm and centered for our little dog, occupy myself with activity, but inside I was a wreck. As the phrase goes, I was worried sick. However, I was also intent as ever to see to it that she was ok. Somewhere within, I kept hearing "She's ok. She's fine." Was I just telling this to myself for reassurance or did I really somehow know this? I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long time. I was focused. I called upon Archangel Raphael to heal her. (I know some may think such a thing to be foolish. While I'm not religious, I do believe there is a Being of love and light who watches over our animals as protector and healer. For years I've felt that to be the Archangel Raphael and despite my change of belief in spiritual matters, I've held onto this belief.) I put her on prayer lists. I even kept open a book of mandala's I have and had it open to the page which displayed a mandala known for it's healing properties. I also spent time with her, laying my hands on her. Ultimately, I left it up to her to receive the healing.

Monday morning arrived. I was still a wreck inside. Handing her over to people who I knew were going to operate on her, trusting in them that she would be ok, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I think Mr. Nina and I cried more during those days together than we ever have before.

Well, as they say, life is a mystery. The vet called before he stitched her up to let us know how stumped he was. That large mass he and the radiologist had seen, that had been pointed out to Mr. Nina and myself, was not there. It had disappeared. Vanished. What he did find was 3 little white lesions that had to be biopsied.

Those turned out to be benign.

I'm still amazed. Stunned. Elated! We've now given her the name St. Shilo.

As I spoke with the vet this afternoon, he again said in his 20 plus years as a vet, he's never misdiagnosed a mass. He and the radiologist have spoken at length as to how they both could have done such a thing. He's also never ever seen a mass only to open up an animal and have it not be there. He's calling it a mystery.

I'm calling it a miracle.

(p.s.-her exam showed no hip dysplasia or disc issues but she does have some arthritis in her shoulders and elbows. as far as the original injury, the vet's guessing that to be a muscular injury that will heal on it's own in time. the arthritis in her shoulders explains some of her struggles to jump up on the bed and couch the past year. if that's her only health issue, well we can live with that!! we've had her on joint supplements since she was a puppy and i've bought some turmeric that i will be adding to her food. i'm also looking into homeopathic remedies for pain and arthritis issues. a friend gave me some advice (thank u pugs!) and i also have an excellent book written by a vet on holistic pet care.)


Another City H2O Increase

Our water bill increased another 8%. We called 'em up given we were encouraged to call with any questions or concerns about the increase. It was the usual bullshit politically correct speaking mantra these people are brainwashed into spewing to a concerned public. Their monkey speak this time: "The city authorized the increase."

"I am the city. I didn't approve of this."

"The city authorized the increase."

Don't you have anything else on your little script to offer me?

Oh yes, costs are up. Boo fucking hoo. For once, eat the costs instead of passing them onto the consumer, especially in an economic depression. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Oh, that's right. You have no conscience. Your soul has been sucked away by years of supporting the system. Your heart completely shut off to any sense of decency and fairness. Kindness. Understanding.

A person at a local business told us to conserve more upon hearing my gripe.

WTF? That's your answer? My cost goes up so it's up to ME to find a way to bring it down? I just shot her a glare, grabbed my bag and walked out. Clueless moronic fool.


I wonder how many of us who used to think "why am I here" are now asking "why did I come here".


Power To The People: "Pray The Devil Back To Hell"

Who says a committed, organized group of individuals, women no less, cannot, through non-violent means, put an end to corrupt politics and war?

"Pray the Devil Back to Hell chronicles the remarkable story of the courageous Liberian women who came together to end a bloody civil war and bring peace to their shattered country. Thousands of women — ordinary mothers, grandmothers, aunts and daughters, both Christian and Muslim — came together to pray for peace and then staged a silent protest outside of the Presidential Palace. Armed only with white T-shirts and the courage of their convictions, they demanded a resolution to the country’s civil war. Their actions were a critical element in bringing about a agreement during the stalled peace talks. A story of sacrifice, unity and transcendence, Pray the Devil Back to Hell honors the strength and perseverence of the women of Liberia. Inspiring, uplifting, and most of all motivating, it is a compelling testimony of how grassroots activism can alter the history of nations."

Click on the "about the film" link to learn more about the women leaders of this movement. I am very much anticipating the release of this DVD for home viewing.


Homemade Beauty Products

I've been gathering some recipes for natural, homemade beauty products. The older I get, the more natural I want and the more self-sustaining I wish to be. I've already made the switch to mineral make-up, which I love and would like to learn how to make my own someday. However, that is quite involved so for now, I'm sticking to homemade shampoos, conditioners and lip balms. The internet is a wealth of information for such things. I was surprised at how easy it is to make your own lip balm. You just need some beeswax (1 T grated), carrier oil (2 T--almond or olive) and a vitamin E capsule (for natural preserving). You put that all on the stove on low until the wax melts, then you can add in essential oils (note: vanilla is VERY expensive so I'm opting for peppermint and maybe sweet orange and/or cinnamon). I'm still at a bit of a loss for coloring. I read you can add some henna powder or beet juice but that's about all I could find. For a really natural lip gloss recipe, you simply heat 1 tablespoon of almond oil, 10 fresh cranberries and 1 tsp. of honey. Heat until the mix begins to boil, stir and mash the cranberries. Then let stand for 5 minutes. Strain. Stir and allow to cool then put into little containers.

I've been wanting to make my own shampoo for some time. I found a recipe where you add 4 oz. of castille soap (plant based soap--any scent) along with a mix of herbs such as nettles, sage and rosemary that have been made into a tea (2 cups boiling water) and strained. However, lately I've heard about women bypassing shampoo altogether and simply using conditioner with some added brown sugar (which is a mild cleansing agent that does not strip the hair of natural oils) or baking soda (which is an excellent agent for removing build up and in my opinion, should only be used sparingly. Too much and you will look like you have a birds nest on top of your head.) The conditioner will remove basic grime and dirt. I've found even the most natural of shampoo's strip my hair.

My hair is weird. It's heavy and tends to be flat on top while poofing out on the sides. I have to style it somewhat if I don't want to look like a dork. I also have a lot of it. I have to get it thinned out every few months and even at that, I still have a lot of hair left. When my stylist is done, she always looks on the floor and comments how there resides enough hair for one person. Some of it is coarse, but most of it is fine. As a result, it's a real pain at times. Thankfully I have a natural wave that keeps it from being a complete pain in my a&&. Today I decided to just use conditioner. The result? My hair was more manageable, softer and had more body.

Sometimes, when I remember, I'll add an apple cider vinegar rinse. I think it's something like 1/4 cup of vinegar to 1 cup of warm water. About the only difference I noticed with this was my hair was a bit shinier. I've also read where stale beer (cheap will do--don't want to waste the good import) adds a lot of body, although I have yet to try that. Here's a recipe I found for a homemade hair conditioner: 1 mashed avacado added to some coconut milk (I'm also thinking hemp milk would work) until it's shampoo consistency. Comb through hair and let sit 10-15 minutes. Rinse.

I have this blend of pure essential oils blended in with coconut, hemp and olive oils that I use now and then. It's a bit of a nightmare to wash out though so I don't use it that often even though the ingredients are so wonderful for the hair. I bought it from Uncle Harry's (see the link under my faves). It was only around $6 for a 4 oz jar which is a bargain.

I have also found a recipe for homemade hairspray. I haven't tried this one yet. It looks simple enough. You chop up 1 orange, place in a pot of 2 cups of water. Boil until half the liquid remains. Remove. Cool. Strain. Add 1 oz of rubbing alcohol if you wish to keep it in the cupboard otherwise store it in the refrigerator. Add more h2o if the liquid is too sticky. (Use a lemon instead of an orange if you hair is oily.)

I found a website that carries a lot of these ingredients (waxes, essential oils, carrier oils, liquid soaps, herbs). Mountain Rose Herbs. Great prices and very green practices.



Why is it when someone challenges things such as human-caused global climate change and the legitimacy of Obama's citizenship they are automatically labeled a right-wing nut?

Why is it when someone challenges the previous administration's love affair with war, they're labeled a hippie liberal commie?

Why is it when someone speaks of universal health care, they're labeled a radical socialist?

Why would one of my visitors, when finding my blog, google the question "do food banks take expired food items?" What kind of a question is that and why on earth would you think it's ok to give expired food to the poor? If you wouldn't give it to your family, don't think it's ok to give it to the needy. Take a few dollars, go buy some fresh food and deliver that instead.

Why do most people believe in a god of some sort?

That being said, why do many not believe in the idea of alien craft in the skies and/or other life forms on other planets? (Here's a little goodie: ancient drawings in caves show flying saucer type craft and alien looking beings as being worshipped as gods.)

Why do we smile when we want to cry?

Why do we laugh when we want to scream?

Why do we cover our pain and fear with nasty words?

Why am I asking so many questions?

Why are you reading this?

Why have I been such a bitch lately??

Hi. My Name Is Oprah. I Tell People How To Get It When I Don't Get It Myself.

If I hear or see one more word of advice from wealthy elitist television personalities telling me how to go without and how to save... Dr. Phil, the man obsessed with the baby making machine while totally not seeing her obvious narcissism and manipulative behavior, who wasted more of television airtime by being on The Doctor's Show today and continuing this b.s. conversation (which btw must be easy to get on a show that employs your son as the Executive Producer, which, btw must be easy to ride on the coattails of your father and land your own damn show in your early 20's) has been running episodes on saving and living with less. And today, yet again, Oprah, thinking she's part of the "regular people", aired a show titled The Living With Less Experiment.

That's sorta like god telling the people of Gaza to do things differently to be safe in that war zone while the SOB resides safely in the world of spirit and energy.

Here's a little experiment for you, Miss O. Call it an "it" gift from me to you. I won't even charge you for it. Can YOU live with only one home? Can YOU live without your chef and cooking staff? Can YOU live without your gardners? Can YOU live without the limo drivers, the housekeepers and the wasteful gala's and evening's out at obscenely overly-priced restaurant's that often offer pretty views overlooking pretty parks that house many of the areas homeless? Can YOU live without having on your show one more god damn pretentious elitist celebrity without putting the celebrity up on some dumb ass pedestal, without going gaga or encouraging the audience to go gaga?

Can you?


We the "regular" people are fed up with folks in your category (from tv pundits to government figureheads) flaunting your wealth while trying to tell us that WE MUST GO WITHOUT.

FUCK YOU. YOU go without and share some of that god damn wealth you've been taking advantage of due to the filtering upwards of that wealth. Tell the already struggling to go without even more? FUCK YOU.

Fuck you.


Overwhelming Frustration and Citizen Apathy

I've been having these itching fits all over my body lately. My hands, legs, back, neck. It isn't just about a body saying "itch me" but rather, a mind saying STOP THIS FUCKING INSANITY I NEED SOMETHING DIFFERENT TODAY. NOW. N O W. I am irritated, both inside and out.

I hide this state of mind and emotion most of the time, usually with a smile and a calm outer demeanor. However, within, I am a churning storm of thoughts and emotions that have simply become overwhelmed with the system and the braindead idiotic sheep-like mentality that exists. As such, I feel this deep loneliness and this utter lack of connection despite trying to convince myself 'we're all connected'. At some level, yes that is likely true. However, at the human level and all of this bullshit human stupidity being played out, no. I do not feel a connection to any of it.

My ideas are out there. Way out there. This past week I've been presenting the concept of a society that isn't focused on money but rather, on the well-being of the people and when that is employed, the well-being of the planet naturally follows. While there has been some interest, overall the opinion has been "money is here to stay".

One person asked me "would this idea be forced on us?" I just looked at her, wondering why she would say such a thing given the current system is forced on us. When I said "no of course not" she said "ok, whew!" and laughed. It was then that I said "even if it was, how would that differ than what is forced on us today?" She just looked at me.

D U H.

I don't know. I know I'm hard on people at times. I'm hard on myself. I've longed for something new since I was a child. Even as a little girl I hated money. I hated the focus it received. I hated that it was more important than I was. I despised the stress it created in my own home, causing unnecessary disharmony. I hated war. I couldn't understand the desire to want to control a person to the extent that picking up a weapon and threatening their demise lest they comply.

All over pieces of fucking green paper with ink and numbers. Completely worthless in and of itself. And yet worshipped and given more importance, more credence, more value than the heart, mind and soul of a person, an animal, a planet. This disease is within every one of us to varying degrees.

Today, while I still don't understand the previous (despite understanding the conditions that create such dysfunctional thought), more than anything what I do not understand is this on-going need to support what is. Oh sure there's talk about growing more of our own food and developing more alternative forms of powering our lives, all of which are wonderful. And yet, there's still this worship of money.

Yesterday I was reading one of those new age fluffy newspapers. Mr. N brought it home and so I thought to browse through it. I used to eat this shit up until something in me said these folks were missing half the boat. In one piece I read, Caroline Myss was speaking of our sense of entitlement, how we all have this belief that we are entitled to the big home and all of that stuff. How we live in fear of lack. And yet she stopped short of actually diving into this issue further (these folks are famous for this). She failed to talk about the need for something different--a system where money is not at the heart but rather, the heart of the people is. She's still behind the support of an ancient, archaic system that creates the very lack she claims is all in our heads! It isn't just our thoughts doing this! WHY DO THESE PEOPLE FAIL TO SEE THIS? Why likely if they were to see this, their big-name for-profit money whoring publishing companies would stop supporting them. 'Tis why today I think "take that starry-eyed fluffy phoniness and shove it".

Love for all. Spiritual awakenings. MY ASS. Ain't gonna happen as long as money is at the center of our lives.

So today I now ask myself, what do I want to do? Where do I find such a place already in existance? I don't have the mental energy to invest into trying to convince others of such a society. I've simply had this feeling for about 40 years now that has said: "this place is fucked up. i want something different. i need something different."

Today I know, more and more, I can't fake it anymore.