Seeking A New Life

I should really rename this blog to "rages of fury". Or perhaps "awakening has lead to rages of fury now I seek something better."

After spending yet another spring and early summer in this dry, pollen-infested valley, whereby I have had to hole up inside the past 7 weeks, only to be nailed by a god damn cold virus because some people are simply too inconsiderate at times and don't stop to think that "hey, i'm getting sick, perhaps i should STAY HOME" (honest to god am i the only person who actually thinks this way??)......where was I? Oh yes, pissed off, sneezing and coughing. Holed up for health reasons. Unemployed. Fed up with the system. No, DONE with it. Want my own system. Or at least want the system to really start working FOR me so that I may achieve those things that I desire. I am fed up with being 40 something and still RENTING, still searching for where I fit in, where I belong.

Do I want the mountains? The beach? Both?

It's easy to say what I don't want. Pollen. And valley's. Desert, too. Yuck. Give me cool clean air. I'm tired of having to rely on a/c.

Upon each visit to the ocean, something w/in me says "home". I cry each time I leave. I find myself each time I visit. People say "don't go to the coast. Global warming. Beach erosion." I'm to the point of saying "So what? It's always going to be SOMETHING that will threaten to destroy this planet." I'm done with living life, always looking to see if something dark will ruin my plans. Fuck it. Time to follow my heart. Throw some caution to the wind. Take a chance. I'd rather live 20 years at the coast then another 40 plus years in the valley.

I think.

Better a shorter life lived where you desire than a longer life lived where you don't like.

I think.

How about a long life living where I desire.


I've found some emerging communal-type communities, but so far, they're in the Southwest or other parts of the country that are hot and humid or hot and dry or nowhere near the ocean.

I figure if my vision of some asian-pacific invasion happens, the little army dudes will likely want to head inland.

I like to say "give me a trust fund of a million dollars and I will live just wonderfully."

Can't buy happiness.


Well, ok, you can buy security and security is contentment and when content it is easier to feel happy.

What would I do if I were to come into a million dollars?


Well, no, first I'd buy a new car. Newer car, I should say. 2006 Civic Hybrid. '66 Mustang Convertible. 2008 Subaru Forester.

Then I'd sell off--likely give away--a lot of my old crap, hire some movers and go buy myself a chunk of land (5 acres should suffice) on the coast, inland, up in the hills, with a spectacular ocean view where I would build myself a totally off-the-grid home. 1500 square feet should be just fine. I'd have a greenhouse for year-round food production. Chicken coop. I'd spend my days writing and tending to my property. A yurt or two on the property for a music studio/artist studio and for guests.

If money were not necessary or if I were to come into/create that kind of money, that is the life I would build for myself. That is the life I would seek.

That is the life I am ready to live. Now.

That being said I have a simple invention idea. It isn't a green product. It's simple. For women. Cheesy little thing. Not a need, but a want (although it would provide for a bit of simplicity). Totally Americana. Totally would go contrary to a part of my value system, but what the hell. I can't do this lifestyle anymore. I'll do what it takes, even it means putting aside a part of my "soul" for a year or two. With the right marketing it could get me the kind of money I seek to build that life. Heck, I'd even sell the rights to it for the right price. I also have a few books I'm working on, including an e-book. And a demo CD awaits to be given to the right person and/or singer. Once I feel well again, I'll be pursuing all of it with fiery.


Some Thoughts On Michael Jackson

I didn't think I was going to have the desire to post about his death given I'm not one who goes ga ga over the whole celebrity thing, and actually find the whole obsession factor to be very unhealthy to society (although it keeps the class/worship system going). However, his death has given me some things in which to ponder that I have decided to share. Please forgive me if I don't make much sense at times. I'm dealing with a nasty cold virus of some sort that has left me feeling wiped out.

I'm a musician/songwriter/composer and writer. Just like those who share my talents, I'm very sensitive. I tend to pick up on little nuances of human behavior that go unnoticed by most. I have a very strong sense of fairness. I see the "holes" of our system and see how they can be fixed or at least changed to be more equitable and gentle. My emotions tend to be dramatic and large leading to some spectacular displays of mood (others would likely change "spectacular" to pain-in-the-ass). Such emotions are also the driving force behind my creations.

I was wondering about Michael Jackson and others like him, those in the public eye, those in the creative fields and how many succumb to early death for a variety of reasons (suicide, accidental drug overdose, etc.). Being sensitive can be a real challenge in a world that has a system outlined in cold hard individualism. Add to that design being out in the public eye, you're going to have all sorts of people around you, many of whom are simply along for the coat-tail ride in order that they may profit. Unless you have a solid support system around you and have a strong sense of self, it can be easy to break down and lose it altogether. It certainly didn't help he was thrust (pushed in many ways I believe) into the spotlight at such a tender age.

While there has been no conclusive ruling on the cause of his death, my immediate thought, upon hearing it was due to cardiac arrest, was "accidental heart failure due to ongoing use of pharmaceuticals". (Do you ever wonder if the pharmaceutical companies employ some little evil demon to sit behind a desk and count off the number of deaths associated with their products?) Who really knows all of the dynamics behind his death. I just know he was a very misunderstood person living in a world where, unfortunately, people will prey upon you, use you until you can be used no more, spit you out then move on to the next person.

(And isn't it interesting that he become so vilified years ago, but now that he's dead, he's being paraded on every channel, where people are reacting as though Jesus Christ was just pronounced dead.)

I remember listening to him speak years ago, addressing the allegations of child abuse. While thinking he had some serious childhood issues still (understandably) displaying themselves in his behavior, I didn't believe he was a child molester. I recall listening to the interview with a friend and, upon hearing Michael speak about sharing a bed with someone, child or adult, was a very loving thing to do, my friend said something like "Oh, now that's just wrong!" I didn't add anything to the commentary, but I did think about it.

What is so wrong with sharing a bed with another? Couldn't it be a very peaceful, loving thing to do? Must we be so caught up in our western world sexual dysfunction that the moment we think of an adult and non-related child sharing a bed we automatically think something sexually ugly is going on?

Who knows if he molested any of those children. My intuition always said "no", but sometimes such feelings are, of course, wrong. I was more interested in examining his comment and the harsh backlash he received from Conservative Americana. While it's important to be aware there are dark energies and desires waiting to prey on children, to automatically assume one is a molester simply because they enjoy spending time with children and, on occasion, share the same bed, is ridiculous. I've spent a lot of time with children over the years, snuggled with them, even climbed in bed with them. No one's blinked an eye at this, likely because I'm female. However, remove female from the picture and insert male and we freak out. Why is that? Is it because most molesters are male? Is it also because, as a society, we have so dumbed-down our men to the point where it has become uncomfortable (because it isn't "proper" or "masculine") for them to show universal human emotions and behaviors such as affection, softness, tenderness?

I'd say a bit of both, although I believe the latter is one that seriously needs to be examined.

Well, ok, my brain is drifting off into another dimension (the one that says "SLEEP") so I need to wrap this up. And Michael, wherever you are, may you allow yourself to be free of those earthly attachments that left you in pain, physical, emotional and likewise. Keep on going and exploring until you find peace. Don't listen to any being who tries to tell you that you gotta go through judgment or share your lessons or that you gotta turn around and come back again because you either didn't complete your contract or because karma requires you to do so. It's all bullshit, very similar to the bullshit you dealt on this planet. Be free. That's all you gotta do.

And here on earth, I'll be keepin' an ear open to hearin' some new tunes comin' out of the Heavens...


Just Who Do We Think We Are?

One of my on-going questions I ask myself is "Who Am I?" I don't know if I'll ever figure it out, let alone grasp it, in my lifetime, but I continue the exploration.

I was listening to a David Icke interview a few nights ago where he was talking about the reptilian influence on the human species. He claims (and there are many other sources that back this up) that a group of Reptilians incorporated some of their DNA into our own and part of that process left us with the inability to see and understand Dark Matter. Upon hearing that, I had one of those inner "hmm yes" moments. Something within resonated with his observation. I had an insight several weeks ago that some time ago, the human species lived a rather communal existance in complete peace - that is until these other wordly beings forced themselves upon us, engaging in a battle. Rather than controlling the planet directly, they opted to control us by implanting some of their DNA into us. As a result, our brain grew what is known in the fields of Human Behavior and Psychology the Reptilian Brain, that part of us that is always ready to react to anything it perceives as a threat, real or imagined. That part of us always on guard, distrustful, willing and able to attack or even kill another without thought.

While of course many people in such fields believe this part of our brain to have originated during the period when we were running from sabertooth tigers and the like, however, there are growing numbers of people who believe this may not provide the entire story:

"Recent work by Russian biologist Piotr Garjajev and some Russian linguistic experts suggests the same thing, and, more specifically, this research may show that junk DNA, rather than being a discard, is “a computer hologram that works with laser-type radiations.” In short, DNA is an extraordinary generator of perceptions, an instrument of virtual reality.

By accepting the link between DNA and emotional and mental activities, we may begin to imagine DNA as a complex program that directs the life process (regulating our metabolism, for instance), but impedes our consciousness from complete manifestation. (see "Possession and Predation - Aliens, Flyers, Clones, and Reptilians / The Enigma of Extraterrestrial Parasites")

Research testimony that includes ancient representations, suggest that DNA was implanted in humanity by Manipulative Extraterrestrials. The fact that over 95% of DNA does not support vital biological living processes suggest that it is conceivable for biological life to exist without any DNA."

So perhaps, not only do we not need 95% of our DNA but that in and of itself, it is interfering with our ability to be who we really are. Pure Consciousness. Pure Awareness. Able to see and know everything.

I know that at times when I want to understand something and struggle to grasp it, a part of me simply knows that anything I desire to know is within my ability to know.

All of which brings me back to my question: Just Who Do We Think We Are?

Is it the clothing on our bodies?

Is it the car we drive or home we live in?

Is it the church we attend?

Is it the color of our hair and eyes?

Is it our opinions?

Is it the foods we like and dislike?

Is it even our beliefs?

I say "no" to all of the above. Who I Am is awareness. I Am the observer. I Am pure consciousness. And it is this knowledge that has been bred out of us, or shall I say that through DNA manipulation, this knowledge has been suppressed from us. How can you ever remove Pure Awareness?

I know at one point I was in a body and could come and go at will. I was in total awareness of all there is to know about the Universe. This isn't some ego observation. It's a deeper knowing.

Religions for years have said our inner voice is small and quiet. Bullshit. It's powerful and ever-present--when it hasn't been covered up via manipulation.

That isn't to say I'm gonna sit on my ass and just observe. How boring would that be? I'm here, I may as well care for and use this body for some enjoyment. And I believe the human species as well as this planet is worth fighting for.

I asked myself today "why do I keep coming back here?" Is it due to lifetimes of conditioning by a system that says I either get one chance or I have to come back in order to learn lessons or even out karmic debt or in order to evolve spiritually. (How is it possible for Pure Consciousness to evolve? How is it possible for The All Knowing to evolve?) Is it due to a desire to keep on returning until I can break free of that prison and alert others, help break free the human species and see it return to what it once was?

Likely a bit of both. Although I do believe in this lifetime, it's certainly more of the latter.


A Beautiful Sunday

There's a wonderful family who lives in our neighborhood. They may be, perhaps, the best neighbors I've ever had. We've spent much time the past few years hanging out with them, in particular their children. They're from Palestine and, likely, by the time some read this post, they will have returned. Mr. N and I have had more than one conversation with them about staying here in the States, naturally not wanting to see any of them harmed by the horrendous acts taking place against their people.

Quite often, while speaking with them, I find myself staring intently into their large brown eyes and asking myself how on earth could any person with any amount of compassion look at them and ever think they're not as worthy as the people of Israel? I ask myself how anyone could ever, for one moment, justify harming them? These beautiful people with such kind hearts. No different, at the core, than any of us.

Knowing them has not only enriched my heart, but my mind as well. Hearing first-hand from one who has lived the violence, lived with the rationing of food and water and virtually all other goods, lived with the military checkpoints, lived with having land taken has deeply moved me to care and know more about the history of these two nations. To know they don't have their own currency. To know it is not uncommon to stay close to home and to learn to dodge bullets. That one put me into one of those situations where I had to take a few moments to let it sink in. Imagine actually hearing gunfire and, at times, experiencing what it's like to have a bullet race by your head. It becomes a way of life. And I would be lying if I said I don't fear for their safety. I deeply fear for their safety. The thought of them returning, despite knowing their particular town is, for now, a safe area, is something that is weighing heavy on my heart.

While visiting with them today, I spoke a lot with the children. Having been here for the last three years, they have become very westernized. The girls spoke of their love of "Friends" (the television show). I've heard them say "oh my god!" and "no way!" when excited. The oldest son, who discovered last Fourth of July he loves pyrotechnics, is into some new game that we played today. Watching them, taking in all of that wonderful pure energy of childhood, in all of its refreshing splendor, I couldn't help but think to what they're returning to and wondering how long that innocence will last.

I'm not a mom, but I most definitely have that mama internal instinct. I want to tell them to be safe. I want to tell them to stay very close to home. I want to tell them how much I've grown to care about them and how scared I am for them. I want to hold them and weep and tell them I will be praying for them every day. I will be holding them close to my heart whenever I look at the Palestinian pin they gave me. I will remember all of the wonderful talks I have had with their oldest girl and the beautiful smile she always gave me, and how smart and aware she is for her age and how wonderfully kind. I will remember the sidewalk art the youngest girl and I did together and how she always taps me on the leg whenever she wants to talk. I will remember watching their oldest boy climb our apple tree (and all of the other trees in our neighborhood for that matter) and the look on his face when Mr. N showed him how to burn things with just the sun and a magnifying glass. I will remember trying Turkish coffee for the first time and being grateful I opted for juice after witnessing Mr. N, normally a daily coffee drinker, quite literally bounce off the walls after just two cups.

They're such angels. Such good people. So kind. Generous. From the start, opening up their home to us. I can't understand the consciousness of the person who could justify doing them harm. No religion or dogmatic set of beliefs is ever worth that. No political motive. No amount of money or power. There simply is no justification. They're just people who want to live their lives peacefully. That's what the majority of us want.

So then why oh why do the few continue to take away this right?

I could answer that, but then that would change the energy of this post and I don't want to do that. I want this post to be about this family and to express how much they have meant to me. Maybe I will make a copy of this and give it to them.

My only regret is that I didn't spend more time with them. Life continues to teach me such things. Let my heart fully take in each moment I have with people I care about. Absorb it all into every pore of my being and don't take any of it (or them) for granted.


You're Worthy Only If You Have Money...And A Home.

Ok, so I don't believe in the value as proposed in the title...AT ALL...but the scum-sucking assholes who deserve to be piled high in a space craft and sent to the sun to be vaporized who control the System and therefore you and I (all knowingly and wilfully) in many ways that most simply don't wish to own up to much less even think about.........these ugly awful snakes believe in it. They believe in it, they promote it and they use YOU AND ME to keep their bullshit of a system going. And it is time for that to change. NOW. Not tomorrow. NOW. Today. THIS MOMENT.

In Flint, Michigan, there are over a thousand homes scheduled for demolition, many due to the foreclosure bullshit. VACANT HOMES SITTING EMPTY WHILE HOMELESS PEOPLE GO WITHOUT. THAT IS INSANE. And what's with this bullshit title of "abandoned homes due to foreclosure"??? People don't ABANDON their homes when foreclosed upon by the fucking corrupt dark forces of the banking cartel. THEY ARE FORCEFULLY REMOVED.

The parisitic nature of humanity repels me. Disgusts me. People feeding on people. It's horrific enough we feed on animals (I'm not a vegetarian although I really long to be--but my body suffers when I've tried so it's a conflict of morals within my being--I hope to evolve my body to a point where it no longer "needs" meat)--but to feed on one another. To use one another. To say "you gotta PROVE yourself through proving/doing__ in order to have __". INSANE. WHO IN THE FUCK GETS TO MAKE ALL OF THESE DAMN RULES?? WHO IN THE FUCK GETS TO TELL ME I GOTTA DO A B C AND D IN ORDER TO HAVE SOMETHING AS BASIC AS GOOD PAYING EMPLOYMENT OR A HOME???

Highlight the elite while ignoring those in need. Here in America, we look to some black dude as our new leader and become all giddy and downright stupid, suffering from illusionary-induced wet dreams in our mind because, WOW, he ain't Bush and WOW AGAIN, HE IS BLACK. Please. The man is whiter than most white people I know. He's an elitist who was groomed to be where he is and who he is.

We give more respect to people "in power", to those who have, than we do those in real need. That in a nutshell sums up our sickness as a species.

But that's who we have been groomed to be. To feed on each other.

To disregard one, to walk away when one is in need when you are in the position to offer some help.

That's who we have been groomed to be.

Hell is on earth. It has many faces. But there's the flip side. The notion of Heaven on earth.

While we may have been "groomed" to be so parasitic (in varying degrees), we're like hair in a way. We can simply train ourselves to wear a new style.

I simply cannot take one more moment of the ugly on this beautiful planet.

Can you?


Random Thoughts For This Friday

*Well, apparently we are to prepare for Round 2 of the Swine Flu. This one is supposed to be more intense. All of course is government speak for "The first batch we made in the lab wasn't potent enough" as well as this little lingo "We're gonna scare ya all up real good now so that when those vaccines come out this fall, you'll run to the nearest clinic and get shot up". Chill out folks. Eat lots of raw garlic and onions. Supplement with vitamin's C, D. Add some herbal stuff like echinecea, astragulus, goldenseal. Check out natural anti-viral/anti-bacterial oils such as oregano, garlic and coconut. And most important of all (a practice most definitely needed by yours truly): Monitor your thoughts. Find the beauty. Take time to relax and chill out. Laugh. Allow yourself to let things go that aren't helpful, even if just for an hour. When upset, respond instead of reacting. Get lots of sleep. Nap when the need arises.

*Economy's starting to improve. Why? Well, it's because job losses aren't as high as they were months ago. Isn't that sort of like someone saying "hey, I see that illness you're suffering from made you lose 50 pounds. You haven't lost anymore weight. Must mean you're all better now!" Kind of hard to really lose anymore jobs at that volume level, ain't it? And even if it is possible, the PTB don't really wanna pull the rug out from under our asses in one full swoop now, do they? Better to give the illusion all is on the upswing. Of course I could be full of it, but then again, maybe not. It is as it is and I don't know anything else for certain beyond that.

*What's up with me and all of this redneck-style blog speak tonight?

*Our garden is coming along nicely. Aside from some sort of crawling critter who has enjoyed some of the leaves on our peas and beans, it looks good. Tomatoes are coming in. Carrots have another few weeks to go. Chard is almost done harvesting. New lettuce and spinach starts are taking off. Strawberries finally coming in (been waiting for weeks!). Our neighbor from China gave us what he says are potato starts, but I think his English confuses him for I believe what we have instead are tomatoes. That's ok. He's a kick in the pants and I love talking with him.

*Earlier today we went to the store. Mr. N encouraged me to try on this pretty summer dress. The "hippie" look is in, which I have always loved since I was a child. I've waited for many many years for such clothes to come back around. Flowing skirts, poetic-ruffly type baby-doll tops and dresses. Love it all. Anyway, it was on sale so I said "ok". I'm not one to pay full retail anymore on clothing, partly because of emerging values, but also because of the affordability factor. I know if I were to come into a million dollars, I'd go on a shopping spree. At least I'd give myself freedom to go out for a day or two and spend money without thinking "I can't afford this put it back." Just one day of "The Joneses" thing would be enjoyable. Anyway....Well, you know how some stores have wonderful lighting and others have lighting that zaps anything positive about your body and accentuates all that is negative? This store accentuates the negative. Good grief. I stared at myself in the mirror. The lines. The pasty color of my skin. Flab in places I didn't know existed (and on those places I know it does, well, W O W). The dullness of my 40 something hair. Fuck, I thought. I look like crap! But, I decided to get the dress anyway. It was so pretty and feminine. Driving home, I was still in the "I am not happy with how I look I look so damn OLD" funk. Flashes of myself as I appeared in that stinkin' mirror kept flashing through my mind. However, now and then the Universe seems to be on my side. Today was such a day. Just as I am thinking all of these ridiculously ugly thoughts about myself, a car carrying two college-aged boys drove past. I don't know if they were high, drunk or just blind (likely just horny), but the passenger, who had been talking with the driver, stops talking, looks right at me, eyes widening, and says "whoa" then proceeds to stare at me, smiling, as they pass. Even this didn't escape Mr. Nina, who laughed and said "you were just checked out honey!" It's been awhile. Today I needed it. Felt good and rather erased the thoughts of earlier. Which leads me to thinking "why did it take someone else to make me feel better?" I thought I was evolving away from that...

*I'm quite the moody person at times and lately, being I've been off sugar and yeast (for the most part--had one slip up and my body certainly reacted), I've been extra moody. I've never been addicted to anything, that I know of that is. I smoked cigs for awhile, but was able to quit without any real noticeable hassle. I drank a lot during my parents divorce in my early 20's and was able to quit that cold turkey without any issue. I've heard of people being addicted to sugar. Perhaps I am one of them. All I know is that I have been having moments where everything in my body and mind is saying "GIVE ME SUGAR NOW". When I have these moments, I also feel really hungry. I've just been riding them out, eating a piece of fruit or some yeast-free crackers I made. Well, a few nights ago I decided to splurge a bit and have some brownies Mr. N had made from a box. One bite and it was like, well, feeding an addict. I could feel the endorphine rush. Oh god it felt so good. Something told me "you'll pay for this" but I told it to shut the fuck up as I stuffed another brownie into my mouth. The next day, uh huh. My body, the part of it that is wise that is, said "See???"

*Aren't you grateful I'm on this planet so you can read such fascinating ramblings? : )


Sign Of The Times: Work For Free.

British Airways is asking thousands of its staff to take unpaid time off for up to month. However, they have the option of working during that time for no pay.

Wow! Sign me up!

N O T.

Just as I decided my days of playing the piano and writing for free were over many moons ago (and a SHAME ON YOU to the publisher of the alchemist, a local paper, who won't cough up a dime for the very writer's and contributors who are keeping his paper going), there is absolutely no way I would ever work for free for any corporation, big or small. Can't afford to pay me for my time? Then let me know when you can and I'll return at that time.

Think British Airway's elitist executives are working for free or god forbid taking a massive cut in their hefty salaries?

This is simply a reflection of the fucked up way we've created the monetary system. If we are going to insist on such a system, then for christ sake, let's bring some BALANCE into it, shall we?

*Close the gap on the wages of executives versus the workers. For afterall, without the workers, there would be NO DAMN BUSINESS GOING ON.

*Sliding scale fees on ALL goods and services. I'm fed up with paying the same damn price for my food, shelter, clothing and other goods and services as my elitist and wealthier fellow humans. Hell, even the middle and upper middle class can get tossed into that equation.

An enlightened populace looks at this in much the same light. A brainwashed, greedy populace thinks worth/ones deserving of __ is based on money/ones ability to pay.

This infuriates me. I'm upset with myself for choosing (some days I believe I was manipulated) to come to this planet for I know there are other civilizations of humans in this galaxy and beyond who are much more enlightened, compassionate, fair, balanced and peaceful and if I had the chance to hitch a ride to such a place I'd take the offer. Changing the system is hard work and most days, I feel too tired to take up the fight in real tangible ways, especially being my ideas are so foreign and freakish. Upset at how utterly dark and unjust the system is. Upset at fellow human beings who continue to vocally support the system by voting in puppet after puppet even after being shown solid evidence that it is those BEHIND the members of government who drive the wheel. Upset that this damn little city I live in has high unemployment, few jobs and very crappy paying at that, and yet a ridiculously expensive housing market that simply refuses to change with the current financial situation.

But whatever, I'm here and I know I need to make the best of it. And yet, god damnit, I don't want to try and make the "best" of it. Been there, done that. Want something NEW that gels with WHO I AM. I'm tired of feeling like an outcast, tired of feeling like a victim of a system I deplore, trying to find my way in my OWN way. I discipline myself to look at what I think and to condition myself to think new thoughts for, while I don't know how effective this is in creating the life I want for myself in its entirety considering what I want is not going to exist in full unless and until some serious positive, peaceful changes take place, at least some empowerment comes out of knowing that what I think are MY thoughts and not someone elses thoughts. Did that make sense?

It's been tough facing the inner crap, but it leads to our own personal truths. My life has not been easy. I can say I've chosen to take this path, but some days I think "if only I knew..." I've been targeted since birth, so it seems. There's been a pattern of encountering people and forces who seem to wish to silence or dismiss/discount my truth. And god damn, it's lonely as hell at times when you feel cut off from the majority. Oh sure, there are progressive people all around me, but they are still fine with the system at large, in so long as one of their "progressive" candidates is in charge. And talking with them about other dimensions, aliens and "secret" societies (put in quotes because they really aren't secret anymore), well, that pretty much puts an end to the conversation.

Last week, I stood outside at night, looking up at the stars, weeping, longing to find "my people" as I call them and have been calling them for years. I've searched high and low on this planet and aside from my spouse and a couple of other friends, I've yet to find this group of people I keep searching for. What's the term, close but no cigar...? So I've been wondering if, perhaps, they're "out there" on another planet. I began wondering that recently after encountering that object/craft in the sky several weeks ago - the one encounter whereby I felt a heartfelt connection. The one encounter where I intuitively knew it would be there for me to see. The one encounter of a craft whereby I wept as it winked out.

Like that U2 song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". I admire those who claim to be settled and comfortable. I don't know. Maybe we all are searching in our own way, some are more aware of the search (need for) than others. Some more likely to admit to such a vulnerability. Sometimes I think what I'm looking for is to be found within, sometimes, on the outside. Since I continue to hear the word "balance" run through my mind when I'm trying to figure something out, perhaps it is a balance of with-in and with-out. Perhaps at the heart of it all, I'm looking to connect with my inner self in a way that my mind and soul are of like, and perhaps I am also searching for this group of people who are also of like. I just know when it happens, I'll simply know.


Stimulus Bill For The Unemployed Gives Then Takes

For those receiving unemployment compensation, that $25 extra a week was a bit of a reprieve, that is until for some, they realized that additional amount pushed them over the food stamp limit. Ah, but here in America, we have the freedom to say "no" to our government without repercussions, right? I mean, certainly Uncle Sam would allow such an individual to turn down the $25 in order to continue receiving food stamps, right?

"And state labor departments are telling jobless recipients they cannot refuse the stimulus increase in order to keep food stamp benefits coming."

For those brainwashed individualists out there who are under the blinding illusion that they would never be in such a situation or that receiving government assistance is akin to the worst possible shame, just remember that one of the core characteristics of any nation (and its people) that proclaims to be about things such as freedom and justice, compassion and fairness is how they treat the most needy of its citizens. If that ain't enough for you, take a trip to Lady Liberty.

What a gesture from our friends in DC. Here's a few dollars to help you out my dear friend the private citizen.

Ok, well, not really.

For our overseas friends, what this means is that in America, when banks and corporations receive bailout funds, they never have to sacrifice a dime. But when you're a private individual and you receive some help, you sometimes have to sacrifice a basic necessity.

Hmm. I wonder if Congress knew this would happen. Some little birdie tells me they did. And wait, I'm not the only one.

"One think tank expert says Congress knew this would happen, but didn't choose to raise income ceilings."

Thank you, my little birdie friend, for the validation.


A Blog About...Nothing.

Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David did it. Maybe I can, too. In blog format.

The old topics are boring me. I'm really no longer interested in things of the political nature. There doesn't seem to be a purpose or point anymore in trying to inform. It is as it is. Maybe I'll just start posting of things, conversations I have with others. Although, most of the people I know are quite normal - certainly none are as eccentric and obnoxious as the characters on Seinfeld.

I could always exaggerate...

Maybe I'll join Facebook, although there aren't really too many people from my past with whom I would like to reconnect (assuming they're even on the network). And it all seems so trendy anyway. Oooh, I'm on My Space, I'm on Facebook, are you? I've never been one to do whatever is hip or popular...

Who knows. For the time being, here's something I experienced yesterday...

Picture it: I'm in bed, sleeping soundly when suddenly, the sound of banging thumping awakens me. What the hell, I think, tossing off my sleep mask, throwing back the covers. In the typical still-sleepy stupor fashion, I walk out into the living room to ascertain what the noise is and where it's coming from.

Next door. Of course. The college boys are out of school for the summer and are being loud.

"Little fuckers," I mutter to myself, wiping the sleep out of my eyes. The banging has continued enough for me to realize it has a rhythm. Drums, I think.

Real drums or those WI drums? I stay still silently and listen.

Definitely real drums.

Great, I think. I love drums. I'm a musician afterall. However, there are only 2 places for drums: 1) Live concert venue; 2) In a soundproof room.

Then I hear the strumming of an electric guitar. The drums have increased in intensity.

Rushing back to the bedroom, I throw on some clothes, thinking no way am I going to put up with this. So I go next door and pound on their front door. Some kid opens it up.

"Yeah?" he asks.

"Is that a real drum set?" I ask.

"Uh huh," he says.

"Yeah, well, I can hear that in my house and it's very loud," I said. "If you boys are going to play drums like that, you need to soundproof the room."

"Ok, I'll tell them to keep it down," he said.

"Drums don't have a volume knob," I said, thinking of the numerous noise issues we've had with young folks while wanting to scream 'young single people under the age of 25 should not be living in their own place'. "Soundproof the room. There are noise ordinances in this city."

"Ok, sorry," he said.

"That's ok," I said. "This time."

5 hours later, the drums started up again. The drumming stopped after 15 minutes.

It started up again 3 hours later, this time for just a couple of minutes.

In the meantime, I have drawn circles on the wall on our adjoining wall in the outline of drums. I will be banging on these spots if I hear that thumping beat again. Perhaps a 6am musical montage would suffice.


Want To Hear Me Freaking On A Thunderstorm?

Click here.

I recorded this yesterday afternoon when we were hit by a severe and highly unusual thunderstorm. It was quite an experience. I have never witnessed rain like that. It was both exhilarating and frightening. Thankfully it only lasted about 15 minutes (I only recorded the first few minutes of it). If that rain had continued, we would have had flooding. These storms popped up all over the state, triggering a tornado (another highly unusual weather event) in one part of the state. Meteorologists reported over 7000 strikes of lightening yesterday alone; 24,000 since last Thursday.

If you can get past my on-going chatter, you can hear some of the intensity of the storm. Listening to yourself is also quite the experience. I still sound the same as I did in 8th grade, much to my annoyance and I was able to see how, at times, certain people (husband included) have said my talking can be a wee bit annoying. More than once while listening to this recording I wished I would simply BE QUIET. When I was a little girl, my parents used to give me those juijy (sp) fruit candies on car trips to keep my mouth occupied on, well, chewing.

The male voice you hear is Mr. Nina, who was braving the storm outside with me as well. When the rain started coming into the carport, we both headed inside and watched rather helplessly as the rain began to flood our patio.


Hump Day Obsies

*It's warm and humid today, with the weather acting like late summer with thunderstorms and high 80's. I don't like heat. I don't like humidity. Combined, I wilt. I'd probably have an easier time acclimating myself on the North Pole than I would anyplace south of the California border.

*I'm off sugar. Going on week number two. Sometimes I miss it, but overall, I'm doing well. Feeling better, actually. And back into a pair of shorts that just last month I couldn't even button. I also found an awesome substitute that has actual health benefits (anti-bacterial)--Xylitol. I made some almond cookies with it and found it to be even sweeter than regular sugar. Plus it bakes just fine up to 400 degrees. At this point, I don't know if I will ever return to sugar.

*We had some friends over last night and the talk turned to UFO's and the paranormal. Well ok, I turned the conversation in that direction as I simply love discussing such things, sharing my own experiences and hearing the experiences of others. There was a bit of a sceptic (at least to my recent experience) in the room who believed my recent UFO sighting was likely the Space Station. I listened as he explained himself and acknowledged that what he said made sense and was indeed plausible. However, I then asked him if the Space Station would ever head due north then suddenly head due east. That's when he got this blank look on his face, then smiled and shrugged and said "Hmmm." I know at times I've gotten a bit defensive about these experiences when others have either dismissed them or offered up their opinion of what they think it was, but last night I kept my mind open to another explanation.

I recalled an experience (non-ufo--or was it? hmmm) I had in early 1998, driving out in the country with a friend. I got the car stuck in some mud. I was suddenly overcome with a sense of calm. I just knew everything would be ok and we would be rescued and relayed this to my friend. Well, my friend wasn't as confident as I was. As I reached for my cell phone (the last time I had one), I found it dead. That was strange as I had just recharged it. So I charged it again but nope, it was still dead. I was still so calm inside and reassured my friend we would be ok. He was even less-confident at this point, asking how in the world could I be so calm and know we would be ok. He saw no evidence to the contrary.

Well, at that moment, this old white pick up truck appears, driven by an old man in a flannel shirt. He just happened to have some chains in the back of his truck. He never spoke a word, which was oddly comforting to me. He simply got out of his truck, wrapped the chain around my tow hitch and pulled me out. I tried thanking him but he simply behaved as though I wasn't even there. He then climbed back into his truck and headed off down the road in the opposite direction of which he came, taking a left at the end, to head back down one of those roads that disappear (meaning they seem to go forever--long and straight) into the countryside. I suddenly had this feeling we had just experienced something not of this world. Sensing the same thing, my friend and I ran down to the end of the road and looked off in the left. The truck was nowhere to be seen. There were no other roads for him to take a right or left on. It was as though he literally had vanished.

Well, I found the whole thing exhilirating and began to jump up and down, clapping my hands and squealing like a child. My friend wasn't as enthused and suddenly, with a state of panic in his voice, said "Get me out of here! YOU ARE WEIRD!" (He said that because I had been telling him about my experiences with the other world earlier in the evening.) So I took him home. I never heard from him again. lol

I still wish him well.

*The above photo was taken this afternoon. This is one thing to take advantage of when the weather is hot--outdoor doggie baths. She seems to be looking at me with all of that heartfelt intensity, but in reality, she's looking at her ball Mr. Nina is holding over my left shoulder.


Monday Musings

The earlier part of my day was frustrating. When I'm feeling frustration, I bitch and whine a lot. I didn't always respond this way, at least not as quickly as I do these days. Mr. N pointed out my griping and I looked at him and said "I am frustrated and unhappy with my life!"

I feel pretty confident in saying I am not alone in this thought, especially in today's world.

Tonight, I visited a prayer site I frequent on occasion. Sometimes I post a request for myself or another, other times I just look over the list and send out thoughts to those in need. Tonight, I noticed a fair share of people out of work, asking for prayers of employment. One man had $20 to his name, a broken down truck and no employment prospects. It certainly pulled at my heart center.

That one entry made me stop and pause for a couple of reasons.

One being...There are so many of us, so many in need. Isn't it possible for us to pool our resources together somehow and help out one another? Isn't it possible for us to come together in love and see to us that we all have a safe place to sleep and healthy food to eat? Power in numbers--authentic power.

Or have we been so conditioned to holding onto our opinions about ourselves and others and how things "should" be that such a coming together is not possible for the long term?

Two being...I am doing much better than this man is, financially speaking, and it caused me to take a breath and realize how fortunate I am. I've been close to being homeless, wondering how to come up with money this week to get the rent paid. It's terrifying. It creates a horrible stress and, despite those moments you take to find some gratitude, the reality of your situation is always present, no matter how buried it is in the psyche.

Such stories pain me. We don't need a society built around the belief that unless you have the money, you aren't worthy of it. On the religious/spiritual level, we talk about worth being something with which we are all on the same playing field. And yet, step out of our meditations and church doors and we know our current physical reality doesn't view it that way. Western society loves to beat the "gotta earn/prove___". To that I say "Lie. We don't have to earn or prove a thing." Actually at times I've said "According to whom?" That will usually stop someone cold in the middle of a societal brainwashing diatribe. Ah, how easy it is to chant the chants without stopping to think "Where did this come from and do I even really believe it?"

Have you ever thought about the authors of new age books, how they seem to skim over the concept of money as simply being a given and how we can attract more with our thoughts? While I believe there is some truth to that, I'm dismayed that not one has suggested the possibility of a new way. Certainly I have yet to read one who has gone into any sort of real detail about a new way. Perhaps that's part of the reason why they are allowed publishing contracts with the big publishing companies. For I've wondered if I were to write a metaphysical type book, if I were to go in to detail about a different system, one truly based on seeing us all as equally worthy in the truest sense of the words, one where money is not at the core center of our lives, where money isn't even necessary, if I would be able to find a decent publisher.

I have been pleased to see many of my blog hits coming from visitors searching for "a world without money". None have commented yet and I wish they would. I would like to have conversations with them.

Back to my thoughts on the prayer website. Most of the requests were of the financial nature. How easy this is to fix. It is my prayer that more people will begin to imagine "a world without money". Afterall, according to these new ages books, all of creation starts with a thought.

Blacklisted on Craigslist

Awhile back, I shared of my experience in trying to create an account with Craigslist. Number one, I was questioning why I had to provide the phone verification when there were some people that I knew who weren't being asked to do the same thing. Number two, being I'm on dial-up and have just one land line phone, I had to sign off the computer to retrieve the phone verification access code. When signing back on, I was not able to return to the page in which to enter the code. I wrote craigslist 5 times (as well as twice today after a friend e-mailed me saying he was able to post something for sale w/o being asked for phone verification) without a response.

Why the discrepancy? I'll let you in on a little secret. When you've posted something that's been flagged, Craigslist essentially blacklists your IP address. That means no more freedom to post w/o providing a verifiable phone number. Being I used to post on rants and raves on occasion, sharing my political and social beliefs, and being my posts were flagged by little half-baked twits who don't know a damn thing about freedom of speech and who can't absorb any thought that doesn't reside outside of their own little pea-sized brains let alone be open to allowing others to have their own thoughts separate from theirs, that means my IP address has been blacklisted, thus the requirement of the phone verification.

Another little dirty craigslist secret I learned. Even if I were able to complete the phone verification process, I would only be allowed to post ONE AD every 48 hours. WTF. Craigslist has obviously resorted to fascist tactics. And for that, I am done with them. And you should be as well. I am being punished for EXPRESSING MY THOUGHTS.

Fuck craigslist. Spammers continue to find their way back into the system. There are lots of little tactics and hints online to keep those accounts going. It is innocent folks like myself who are getting screwed by this lame ass company (not to mention the little immature punk turds residing in the Corvallis/Albany area who can't accept differing opinions).

And for what reason?

Simply expressing my thoughts.