I Could Be The Next Britney....Or Spielberg! Somebody please pinch me...am I dreaming?!

Ok, so I don't really want to be the next Britney. I admit to only using her name to draw readership. I've come to learn, through looking at my readers patterns, they often find my blog using the google blog search engine. Some of those searches are surprising, some are humorous, others downright strange.

So ok. I had an unbelievable, magical day yesterday, hence the second part of my subject line, "somebody please pinch me, am i dreaming?!" I blogged about my upcoming work with a local production company weeks ago. Well yesterday was the big day. I was nervous as hell. My allergies had been bothering me terribly the day before. The night before, I hardly slept, but only because my spouse kept me up sneezing off and on until 3am, not including his decision to shut all of the windows, making it very stuffy and me sweaty. I need a cool, dark room to sleep in. And I also need a good night sleep or I'm no good the next day. If this had been any other ordinary night, I would have just let it go and kept quiet, letting him do what he needed to do for himself. However, I was going to be having myself professionally recorded the next day for an up and coming production company, so my needs came first in this instance, period. I don't always assert myself in this manner, but this night I did. I put in ear plugs, opened up the window, ignoring his demands that I shut it, and made it clear if he was to get out of bed one more time he was to do so quietly and not turn on the lights as he went. I told him I needed to sleep, to which he snapped back, "well so do I!" To which I said, "Tomorrow may just be the BIGGEST day of my life, got it? Tonight MY needs come first." That shut him up. And I slept fine the rest of the night. And oddly enough, so did he.

So yesterday morning and afternoon I kept myself busy and occupied so I wouldn't focus on what was about to happen in just hours. A Plumber came to take care of a slow draining tub, which normally I would find a bit annoying, but this time I welcomed the diversion and actually talked the guy's ear off. I even apologized for bothering him saying I was nervous and why, and therefore, needed to keep talking.

Well, that magical hour finally arrived and there I was... Sitting at my piano, two large microphones off to either side, all sorts of cables plugged into the mixer, the computer, and surprisingly, I was not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. This was likely due to the guy doing the recording, who was so kind and very laid back, which was a good thing. The energy coming from me was enough to fill up that space and then some.

I also knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. And most importantly, I knew I was talented. I knew what I was doing.

But there was still that little twinge of doubt that I was hoping would be erased by this man's comments. Afterall, before coming out, the original plan was for me to lay down a few tracks, pieces that weren't my own. Being he hadn't yet heard me, he wasn't sure if my own original material would be what they were looking for. However, after hearing me play a couple of songs, he realized they could indeed use some of my own material. So at that point, he decided to just record my own songs. That twinge of doubt? Gone.

By the time we were finished, I was flying high, drained at having played the piano for 2 hours, especially knowing I was being recorded, but still energized in a very wonderful way.

Halfway through the recording, the other partner came over, something I was not expecting (of course I was asked if this was ok). I'm glad I didn't know about this beforehand or I would have been even more nervous. Well, he was as equally pleased as his partner was with my playing. He recorded me with a video camera for a little while, then settled into one of the chairs in our living room and listened to me play, making very nice comments after each piece. And what was so wonderful, so fantastic, so cool for me was that he GOT the essence of my songs without me even having to TELL him. That's been a concern of mine, at least with some of my pieces. I want them to convey a certain feeling and they seem to do just that!

When Mr. Nina came home from work, he was immediately told he had a very talented wife. Wow! More magic to my ears! Mr. Nina then said he knew, that's part of the reason he had to marry me. Then he launched into how long I've been playing and composing, the places I've played, the audience reaction, etc. etc. Mr. Video Cameraman laughed and said "hey, you don't need us to manage your talent. You've got your manager right here!" I laughed and said I already knew that. My spouse has never been shy about sharing my talents and such with the world. I've always deeply appreciated that about him.

So we finished recording. We were able to record 8 songs, to which these will be converted to MP3 files, which I will be able to share here on my blog and elsewhere on the internet. Eventually a complete demo will be made. That is exciting in and of itself. However, there's more. These guys are in the building stages of their production company (please see the end of this entry for the name of their company, their website, and their names). That means they are putting together a production video to market to folks with the connections and the cash. Or as they put it, the "cashion"--a combination of passion AND cash. After hearing me record yesterday, they made the decision to include some of my pieces, some of my ORIGINAL pieces, in their production video. !!!!

So this means that MY MUSIC, MY PRECIOUS GEMS, MY SONGS THAT HAVE UP UNTIL NOW BEEN (pretty much) CONTAINED IN THE WALLS OF MY HOUSE, are going to be used in their marketing material to be heard by the big wigs in Hollywood. !!!


I'll be given credit for my material. I will also be included on their website.


I'm not done yet, folks.

For upcoming projects, they will give me DVD's with some scenes to which I will then watch and compose material.

Wow. WOW!

For now, it's bartering. But let me get this straight...if their company takes off, which I KNOW it will--these guys are very smart, talented, very passionate and have excellent contacts in Hollywood--I could actually find myself making an income composing songs. A SONGWRITER!! One of those dreams I've had for years.

Wow! Pinch me am I dreaming??!!

I'm still not done.

These guys are into the paranormal. They visit haunted places and record paranormal activity. They're both very science-minded about it. They have the equipment used by paranormal investigators. They shared some stories of local haunts they've been on. I even found out there's a ghost hunting group here in Corvallis! KEWEL!! I LOVE stuff like this! Anyway, I told them about some of my paranormal background, experiences I've had, the metaphysical group I was once a part of, and table tipping.

When I mentioned table tipping, video camera man asked if I could contact the people I once did this with. I said I could probably do that, and he said if you do, let us know and we will videotape it.


I'm almost finished.

I mentioned my non-profit business idea, my thoughts on poverty, etc., calling myself a "closet socialist". I wasn't sure what to expect when I said that, but was pleasantly surprised when my ideas were supported. The guy who recorded me said he too was a social radical.

KEWEL. My kind of people!

Anyway, so I told them I've had yet another idea (i have so flipping many) to create a documentary, following the lives of a few families who live in poverty for a week or two. Included would be my ideas for ending the problem.

They loved it. The video camera guy said if I could find someone to fund it, I could be the executive producer and they would supply the materials.

Executive producer?? I laughed. I don't even know what that means!

Mr. Nina also shared some of his illustrations he's done. He's amazingly gifted with sci-fi illustrations in particular. Very detail-oriented. He also has an acting background, all of which impressed/pleased them. They are still in the stages of gathering "talent".

So anyway, a magical day happened yesterday. I feel as though I've opened up a new door. Started a new chapter. And I feel alive! Alive for the first time in I don't know how long. Mr. Nina was looking at me last night, smiling. "You have that sparkle back in your eyes," he said. "I haven't seen that in so long. It's good to see."

Yes, that made me cry a bit. It felt good to FEEL that spark.

So ok, I am going to do what I can to help promote these guys. And I want you, my readers, to check them out. Spread the word on your own blog if you feel so inclined. Tell your family, your friends about them.

Brian Heater is the Technical Director and Producer and is the one who recorded me yesterday.
Stan Frietag is the other partner, the one who had the video camera (I don't have his card and so I don't know his official titles).

Their business is:
"What If Productions".
"An Infinitely Diverse, Multimedia Production Company"

Their web address is: http://www.whatifproductions.biz/



I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

That song has been running through my mind today. Well, not really the song. Just those 8 words, along with the melody. It seems like I've been looking for "something" for the past 15 years or so. I know it began right around the time I realized I wanted to get to know who I really am.

For some time I used to believe it was about finding the right partner. Well, I found him but that didn't take away the feeling. At times I think it's about finding the right career, and yet when I've had opportunities come my way or ideas jump out at me, I also know, "nope, this isn't what I'm looking for either." I look in the night sky in search of signs of other life, some lifeform that has all the answers, and yet when I've seen objects in the sky, the experience doesn't dissolve the feeling either.

This "thing" I am looking for feels just out of my reach. I don't even know how to describe it. I simply have this longing for SOMETHING. Is it to make me feel happy? Content? Special? Worthy? Is it to make me feel as though I matter, that I have something positive to contribute to the world?

Sometimes, like today, I am struck hard with the feeling that if I were to die this moment, would I leave any sort of real impact on the planet? What I mean is, maybe I'm not as important as I like to think I am, or as I WANT to think I am.

I've written some songs over the years that seem as though they are meant just for me, gifts, just for me to take in. One of the songs, Surrender, a rather haunting song surrounded in an air of, well, surrender, has the following lyrics that describe my search:

I've been searching, my whole life.
Looking around me, for the truth.
I've just wanted to feel I am worthy,

Another song, simple song, simple melody, which has remained untitled, has some interesting words on happiness:

Happiness isn't something you search for,
but rather found in every day moments.
Don't let life pass you by,
without knowing this.

I remember feeling pissed off and rather disappointed when those particular words came rushing through my mind. I was upset over the idea that happiness isn't something that is to be searched for, but rather, found. Here. Now. What about the whole "pursuit of happiness" we're indoctrinated with in our culture? Is it all really just an illusion?

Are we all searching for this "something"? Is it an earthly search? Is it simply a spiritual search? A search for God? A search for my own soul/truth? All of the above??

I can probably count on one hand the number of experiences I have had in which I feel complete peace, where everything is ok, where everything makes sense. The emotional experience is so vast, it's almost too big for my body to contain it.

Is that what I'm looking for?


Will I ever know for sure?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will I stop the search?


Like I have a choice?

Trying to Solve The Red Door Property Mystery

The mystery being: why is this company still in business and why haven't they been forced out of town? Given the countless stories I've read online from renters, not to mention Red Door's attempt to buy up property in Washington State, in particular Vashon Island, I've come to the conclusion that, much like our Federal Government and Big Business, Kip Schoning et. al and our City must be in bed together somehow. They have to be. Red Door brings a lot of money to the city through property taxes alone. If Kip Schoning et al were brought down, that leaves a lot of vacant properties in need of ownership. It would be interesting to know how many properties the dude owns. It also wouldn't surprise me if money exchanges hands to hush things up.

It's all about the benjamins, baby. How else to explain why these folks have been allowed to continue renting to unsuspecting renters?

I spoke with someone from the City awhile back, someone I happen to trust (a rare thing I acknowledge). This person told me they could tell me stories about Red Door that would make my head spin. I asked straight out "why are they still allowed to do business in this town?" I received silence in return followed by a quick change of topics. After pondering this conversation for awhile, I came to the conclusion above.

As Mr. Nina always says, "Corruption is everywhere."


Some Bills Worth Noting

As taken from Prison Planet:

1) Marriage equality: Assemblywoman Fiona Ma, D-San Francisco, has a bill that would make it easier for men to take their wives' last names when they get married. It's on the Senate Judiciary Committee's agenda on Tuesday.

2) Hemp farming: Assemblyman Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, is making another attempt to allow California farmers to grow hemp, a distant, low-potency cousin of marijuana that is used in myriad products. The bill is before the Senate Agriculture Committee on Tuesday. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed the proposal last year.

when i married mr. nina, i kept my last name. he had an issue with it for awhile, but he learned to come around. i've had the idea for some time now for both of us to pick a last name to share. he likes the idea, but we haven't been able to come up with one. i kinda like nevaeh--heaven spelled backwards. any ideas??

hemp farming is one of those "duh" no-brainer issues to me. of course it should be legal to grow (as should its 'cousin'). it can free of us of our dependency on oil, on cotton, on woods used to build homes. it's an excellent moisturizer (i love my hemp conditioner). it's virtually pesticide-free. so many uses. so stupid it isn't legal. so time for industries such as oil and cotton to back off and let in some new ideas, or should i say bring back a good idea. and of course, get the hysterical "oh my god we can't allow THAT to be grown! kids would want to smoke it!" folks out of the picture as well. or at least educate them. you can't smoke it. well, you can. but if you smoke it to get high, you're gonna have to consume a huge quantity of it, and you would likely puke before experiencing any sort of a buzz. isn't is funny--you can get buzzed off of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, otc pressurized spray containers--all legal. but uncle sam and some americans freak out on a plant.

Oregon's $10 Corporate Minimum Utterly Outdated

I've known about the $10 Corporate Minimum tax here in Oregon for about 10 years now. However, after doing some research online, it seems as though most Oregonians aren't aware of this little fact. These folks may also be unaware that steps taken earlier in the year to increase this failed. If we speak out and demand Oregon Corporations pay their fair share, we can get this pitiful law changed. There are some Legislatures in Salem who listen to the voters.

Here are some facts (with my own emphasis and comments) sure to enlighten, and likely, enrage: (as taken from this site. Click to read the article in its entirety.)

1. Oregon has the country's lowest minimum tax: $10.00.

2. In 2006 in Oregon, individuals pay 90% of the tab for education, public safety and health care - $10.6 billion.

3. While individuals paid $10.6 billion in taxes, corporations paid $705 million.

4. 13 companies with more than $5 million in Oregon profits paid the $10 minimum tax in 2004.

5. Three corporations with more than $25 million in profits paid the $10 minimum tax in 2004.

6. In Washington, which has a stronger economy and high-tech sector, businesses have a much greater tax burden – they pay about half the cost for education, public safety and health care.

(Hmmm. Half the cost as compared to 10%. AND they have a stronger economy.)

Under the corporate tax fairness package, the corporate minimum tax would be increased to $25 – a whopping $15 for companies with up to $50,000 in Oregon sales. Above that, there would be a sliding scale, with $1,000 for a corporation with more than $500,000 Oregon sales and capping out at $50,000 for companies with $25 million in Oregon sales. (And Oregon businesses are balking at this "massive" increase. A $50,000 tax liability for a biz with $25 million in sales is .002%.)

The plan would generate an additional $150 million for schools, public safety and health care, which make up more than 90 percent of the state general fund.

What do Oregonians think about this?


Buzzing's In My Brain for Today

here's a highlight of what's buzzing through my brain today (i've been writing off and on the past two days, working on a project, so if my words don't make sense, please forgive me):

*article after article i have read online about the world coming to an end. about prophecy. the conspiracies. aliens. chemtrails. new world order. the illuminati. bohemian grove. child sex trade. all of them conflicting in some way or another. who do you believe?? some of these people totally discredit themselves in my eyes when they toss in religion. henry makow, author of savethemales website (yes, that is the name. ) is one such crackpot. on the one hand, he's smart as hell. well-read. but then he goes off in this weird direction when it comes to feminism and homosexuality. this guy is under the impression, illusion i would say, that feminism and homosexuality have destroyed man's place in the world. boo fucking hoo. why doesn't he dig deeper and tell the truth, which is that women and gays/lesbians have demanded their FAIR ACCESS to said world. this guy really thinks women will only truly be happy when they are caring for their families. doing the housework, taking care of the needs of their spouses (who MUST be male) and children. i'll remember that the next time i'm cleaning the shower or cooking the meal. this is my duty, my assigned role as the gender with a vagina and boobs. and as such, it makes me HAPPY. happy happy happy

*unions. corporations. some saying unions are bad. some saying corporations need protecting. protecting? from what? from the evil WORKERS who simply want their fair share of the wealth? god forbid those doing the daily work share in the success, eh? unions are bad. please. unions are needed to protect the workers from the true evil: today's corporate ceo. mr. nina's employer is such a classic example. his business brings him a net profit of well over a million a year. his highest paid employee? around $12/hour. most of the rest are minimum wage. mr. biz owner spends little time at said business. so the picture is: workers do most of the work, get paid crap, aren't receiving ANY benefits but the one who had the money to buy the business gets to cash in on the wealth? i dare one person, i challenge one person who thinks this is OK to tell me exactly how this is fair and decent. those words only. fair and decent.

*family. they suck. i changed my blog address because i noticed they may have found my little sanctuary here. now if we had the kind of relationship where i could express myself openly without being ignored, belittled or silenced, i'd welcome them to read what i have to say, even about them, although if we DID have that kind of loving, respectful relationship, i likely wouldn't bitch about them as i tend to do from time to time.

*contrails/chemtrails. what the fuck are they? for once i'd just like to know what the fuck they are and what their purpose is.

*grass pollen. fucking pollen levels are through the roof this year. a meteorologist described how they measure the levels--in tonage. he said he has never seen pollen levels this high. duh. at least this explains why i've had to keep myself inside since memorial day weekend. oh sure, i can go outside, but inevitably my nose starts to tickle and the sneeze fest begins. even mr. nina is bothered, if not more than i am. he's never had classic allergy symptoms until this year. i hope they drop soon because i'm going fucking stir crazy feeling so damn cooped up!

*dumb ass landlords. the siding on this place is in dire need of being replaced. it's old--likely the original siding, making it 50 years old. there are moisture stains on one side. we've even had water droplets come through the walls during the rainy months. landlord knows this. his solution? it's brilliant, i tell you. he's going to paint the place. yep, that will take care of that pesky problem. idiot. i'm about ready to take over a house and say "this is what we can afford. don't like it? tough shit. we're as deserving as anyone else who makes more money, so put that in your pipe and smoke it. we're moving in!"

*the strange odor coming from my sweet little dog right now. good lord! i hope she didn't get into my bean burrito.........

Lifting the Ban on the Military's "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" Policy

The following arrived in my e-mail box this morning. It's about stinkin' time this ban be lifted. How frightened are we of our own sexuality that this should even be an issue? Time to boot the Puritan agenda to the curbside. Homosexuality isn't a disease, afterall. Geesh........

Dear friends,
Repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

1. Watch the video
2. Sign the petition

People choose their line of work for different reasons. After working in various aspects of the film industry, I choose to work with Robert Greenwald because I felt he had a passion to make a difference on key social issues ? issues that I also felt needed 'adjustment'. This work is not always fun, but it does give me and the group I work with a sense of satisfaction knowing we are accomplished our goals with the help of people like you.

During my time here I have been able to meet many other people whose work provides inspiration for their lives. Recently we met a man who studied and worked hard to get such a job. It was a job that he sought because he knew he had the capacity to do it well. It was a job that made a difference in the lives of many US servicemembers and it was a job that he performed honorably with devotion. Unfortunately, he is now prevented from doing this job because of his sexuality.

Watch the video: http://www.democracyinaction.org/dia/track.jsp?v=2&c=jq7iFQ6Ayxh0LBVCWSwzARGLY7VvfefS

Since 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' became law, over 11,000 servicemembers have been discharged (nina here--i highlighted this for emphasis--11,000?! REDICULOUS!!) because of their sexuality. The number of servicemembers who have left on their own volition, or have decided not to re-enlist because of this law is not documented. The government has spent over $363 million dollars in taxpayer money to implement (another emphasis of mine. imagine where that money could be going instead.) this unfair legislation. Dozens of other countries, many of whom have fought side-by-side with our soldiers, allow lesbians, gays and bisexuals to serve openly. Those are the facts and they have nothing to do with a servicemembers passion and skill to perform his duty.

At Brave New Foundation we have fought many battles for people's rights and to shed light on particular subjects, but this battle is different. It is different because it is dealing with sexuality and that is a topic that has long been taboo in this country. It is different because it is dealing with perceptions and prejudices that are ingrained into our very core from years of misinformation about what 'gay' means. We feel strongly that it is time to allow lesbians, gays, and bisexuals to not live in fear of losing their hard won and extremely vital jobs because of their sexuality. Please help us by signing the petition to your Congressmember to LIFT THE BAN and support the Military Readiness Enhancement Act which will allow gays to volunteer to join the military.

The United States was built on personal freedom. It seems incomprehensible that something as personal as a consenting man or woman's sexual preference will not allow them to proudly and openly serve to defend their country. Lift the ban and let them serve!
Thanks for all of your support.

Sincerely,Jim Miller and the team at Brave New Foundation

UFO Over Corvallis

did anyone else see this big ball of hovering light last night around 10:20pm? heading in a southeastern direction?

we were outside last night watching the skies (we had JUST walked outside actually) mostly checking out the beautiful crescent moon and how it was in alignment with venus and 2 other stars, when we saw this fairly large ball of light--it was bigger than the light of venus. upon closer observation, we both thought it looked like a circular object of yellowish light with a blueish light underneath. (i wish we had a telescope!) at first it appeared to be moving at a good speed. we ruled out a satellite given it was not moving in a straight direction, but rather seemed to be moving back and forth in a sideways motion. we followed it out into the street where it seemed to slow down, hover for a few moments then slowly faded out until it was gone completely.

what's wildly strange is that over the weekend we were reading an article on alien races, who they are, how many they are, who are the "good" guys and the "bad" guys.

seeing this in the sky was fascinating but equally disconcerning. we've each seen a few unusual objects in the sky, but they have been triangular in shape. i've never seen anything like this. certainly we weren't the only ones who saw this. given i'm loud when i'm excited and kept saying "holy crap LOOKIT that!" over and over, i kept thinking one of our neighbors would come outside to see what the fuss was about, but alas, no one did.

anyone else see the same thing? let me know!


Seceding From The US?

Whatcha think? I'm all for it and have been for the past couple of years. This article discusses the growing movement in Vermont to do just that. Similar movements exist in South Carolina, Texas (ironic, eh?) and New Hampshire. I hear Vermont is beautiful....


A Tribute To Paris Hilton

ok, yes i am sinking to a new low tonight. i have deliberately made the choice not to watch or read a thing about this spoiled little skank and her boo hoo latest little fiasco. however, about 10 minutes ago that Velveeta song began running through my mind. ok, it's not CALLED the Velveeta song--i know it's a classical piece but i cannot recall the name. so i'm calling it the Velveeta song. anyway the words "my name is paris, i am in jail" ran through my mind along with the tune. when inspiration strikes, i know to write it down, which i did. this is what i came up with. (for those who don't know the Velveeta song off of the top of your head, here are some lyrics to help: "when the cookbook, calls for cheddar. make it with velveeta it cooks better.")

good lord........... ok, here it is, my first and last mentioning of this i swear.

my name is paris
i am in jail.
you will see me
looking pale.

if you knew me,
you would see.
i'm really not so bad
for a celebrity.

oh sure i suck off
mommy and daddy.
and i laugh at
people beneath me.

i really don't
give a shit
about anything else
but men seeing my tits.

when i get out
i'll go shopping.
i'll get my hair done
then go bar hopping.

it will be like
the good 'ole days.
except for the memories
of my jailbird haze.

Rewatching Fahrenheit 9/11

My work has ended for now and won't begin again until the end of the month. That's given me a lot of free time this week and I've been spending some of it watching movies in our collection. Today's choice was Fahrenheit 9/11. It's been some time since I watched it. I chose to watch it to see how some of the information applies at this point in history and mostly, how it would make me feel today. I gotta admit: I was more moved watching it today than I was when I first saw it.

The images of the injured and dead Iraqi citizens, many of them children, had me crying so deeply, I was practically hyperventilating. Why, I wondered. Why was I more affected today? About the only answer I could come up with was because that damn blood bath is still going on every second of every day, the number of Iraqi civilians dead estimated to be over a million, all largely to GW & Co's. (and their Saudi buddies and god knows who else) agenda to get their hands on that oil.

Also more disturbing to me today was a scene filmed in D.C. A mother of a soldier killed in Iraq wanted to visit D.C. At the time the documentary was made, she was questioning why her son was killed. What was the purpose? The point? She already knew the war was based on lies. Her pain was understandably and undeniably deeper than any pain I can imagine. Upon her arrival outside the White House lawn, she was greeted by a woman sitting inside a tent, protesting the war. The mother listened to her and nodded. However, up walked some uptight, clueless white middle-aged bitch with expensive looking sunglasses and perfectly coiffed hair, talking about all of these protestors being nothing more than a "stage". Well, that sparked the mother's pain. She turns to clueless one and says "my SON died in Iraq and I want to know WHY!" Clueless bitch is also obviously lacking in sympathy, compassion, empathy. Instead of saying something like "Oh gosh, I am SO sorry" she says "well a lot of people have lost loved ones."

Wow. Brilliant answer. Cold hearted wench. For a brief second, I visualized myself having the power to reach through the screen and the space-time continuum and so that I could slap her across the face. I hope she's been redeemed since that film, hopefully by watching it and seeing herself.

My anger and pain likely increased again due to the fact that this f'ing war is still being waged and there are still people who support it, although obviously those numbers have dropped dramatically.

The biggest thing I dislike about this film is Mr. Moore's support of the official story. A bunch of men of middle eastern descent hijacked planes with box cutters. He failed to address the lunacy of that theory. Box cutters?? He failed to address that the twin towers collapsed in the exact same fashion as does a building under controlled demolition. He failed to inquire WHY those planes weren't shot down by our military jets. He failed to mention the insanity behind the FBI saying they somehow, in all of that burned up debris, found the, oh what was it, a passport I believe, of one of the suspected terrorists. A miracle right there that some paper surrounded in cheap plastic could survive such a collision, followed by that massive explosion and resulting heat and fire.

3100 people, all dead. And why? It's one of those questions that have been worked over, discussed, theorized and debated to death in the past 5 years, 9 months. I wonder if we will ever have the real truth presented to us in its entirety. Doubtful. Afterall, according to Uncle Sam, to quote one of Jack Nicholson's characters: "You can't handle the truth!" Can't handle or won't tolerate.......

Ladies and Gentleman: I Present To You The World's Sexiest Legs

I couldn't resist taking this picture. My sweet baby came home from work one evening, removed his dress pants and put on shorts, leaving his socks, dress shoes and top on. This is the result. (And yes, I received his permission to post this.) Lookit them legs! Woo Hoo!! Hot stuff, huh?! Sigh....after 9 years, I still have a crush on him.

I don't know about you, but this brings back memories of my dad from childhood. Only my dad would actually wear his dress slacks as cut-off shorts. So far Mr. Nina hasn't done that one.

A Post Without The Passion

ok, I'm going to try to do just that. write a post without my usual passion woven throughout my words. given what i have to say, i think i can do that. however, just know that the passion is still racing through my veins nonetheless.

i wrote about this on the comment section of one of my previous blogs of this week. the idea is the usage of resources and sustainability. i know those are two buzz words at the moment. but there is something i see that is missing from this topic. something that is likely taboo in our western culture for it likely blasts in the face of free markets, competition and capitalism. that being said, it needs to be addressed. and i welcome ALL thoughts on what i have to present.

i first present the idea that this planet can only sustain so many people living out their lives. we can't deny that one. (if you can, please enlighten me.)

having presented that concept, let me then share the following: given the above statement, is it possible for every one of us to live as the wealthiest do? is it possible for every one of us to own multiple homes, many of which are in the 10,000 square foot and above range, own multiple cars, fly in private jets, vacation at spas? could the planet sustain this lifestyle if every one of us lived this life?

of course not.

so then my question is: Who gets to decide who is allowed to live this lifestyle and who isn't?

now i realize not everyone wants to live this life. however, don't we all have the equal right and worth to pursue such a life? i believe we do. if i didn't, then i'm really playing god/ruler. which brings me back to my question--who gets to make that decision?

imagine if the majority of us decide to set off on that path. what happens when there is only a very tiny amount of land left to build that huge home? what happens when there is little fuel left to power that private jet? who then will decide who gets the land to build the home, the fuel for the jet and who doesn't?

the bottom line is there is only so much this planet can sustain, and yet a real conundrum is created when we remember we all have equal rights and worth. it's a difficult pill to swallow, but it's time to do so now.


Conservative Publication's "Spin" On Hugo Chavez

Each month, a copy of Reader's Digest arrives at our house. It wasn't our idea. It was a Christmas gift from a family member. This little publication does hold some endearing memories for me from childhood though. As a little girl, I used to love staying up late at my grandparents house, reading the joke sections in RD. I hadn't picked up a copy since then until last December. Wow. Talk about slant "journalism".

The latest edition has an article on the most dangerous leaders for the United States. I'll let you take some time to think up that list and then you can compare it to RD's list.................. (Hint: George Bush isn't on there. Neither is Cheney.)

Finished? Ok. Good.

RD's opinion is that the following dudes post the greatest threat to you and me:
1) Kim Jong-Il (North Korea)
2) Bashar Al-Assad (Syria)
3) Mahmoud Admadinejad (Iran)
4) Hugo Chavez (Venezuela)

Ok, first I'll give credit where credit's due. Kim Jong-Il is likely the most dangerous half-baked little fuck on the planet, if only because he shows clear signs of serious mental psychosis on top of his addiction to power and control.

Not surprising are the leaders of Syria and Iran on this list. Our government hates these folks. They pose a huge threat against our desire to take over the middle east. They also support Hezbollah and Palestine.

The most laughable part of this piece was the information on Hugo Chavez. The entire article was written about him--focused on him, with 3 sidebars that highlighted the remaining three. So, according to this article, apparently Mr. Chavez is the greatest threat.

Laughable piece number one:
You know how articles take quotes from pieces and enlarge their size, placing them in the middle of a page. RD chose to use the following quote to blow up: "Chavez spreads cash and discounted oil around in a bid to undermine America's influence." I had to read that a few times to make sure I read correctly. About all I could think of was "and your point is??" So what? Isn't that how market competition is in this global marketplace? God forbid someone try to dominate, much less weaken, the US of A in the marketplace. Think anywhere in the article did RD mention the fact that Venezuela provided energy assistance to low income americans this past year? Hell no. While Hugo's motivations may have been in part to undermine GW, the fact that another leader from another nation stepped in to help OUR OWN FRIGGING CITIZENS because our own government is too busy playing world police and thus spending OUR money that needs to be used here at home for social programs is, indeed, pitiful.

Laughable piece number two:
Chavez charged Israel with committed genocide while saying they criticize Hitler but have done something far worse. Another US publication that supports Israel. When Israel uses violence against the Palestinian's, it's always justified. When Palestine uses violence, they're labeled terrorists. I'd love for this reporter to come to my neighborhood and interview my neighbors down the street, a young family who moved here last summer from Palestine. Let them talk about the land that they and their family have been forced from. Let them talk about having to dodge bullets as they went to work in the morning or walked their children to school. Let them talk about hearing bombs going off on a regular basis. And these beautiful people spoke as though it were just an ordinary part of life.

Laughable piece number three:
Chavez wants to build a pipeline on the Pacific Coast to increase sales to China and India. RD says it's to shake dependency from America, given over 50% of it's oil is sold to the states. Again, so what? And I say "so what" only because America has an equal desire to be the world's best at everything and has been aggressive and at times violent in pursuing such interests. A little taste of humble pie and we can't take it? Please.

Laughable piece number four:
Chavez is building up his military in order to protect themselves from a potential US invasion. Another "and your point is?" Don't they have the right to do this??? When oh WHEN will the US stop thinking WE HOLD THE TRUTH ON HOW THINGS NEED TO BE for the world?! Honest to god, am I the ONLY one who knows that this sort of thinking and resulting behavior only serves to create enemies?? Anyone but me remember the playground bully?

Laughable piece number five:
He's labeled a Socialist and criticized as such, in particular for sharing oil wealth with his citizens. Another fucking individualistic American organization who thinks sharing the wealth is taboo. Why, if we follow that lead, the Oil Companies would have to share some of their billions with little 'ole you and me american citizen. God forbid! God forbid we all ride in the same boat and share in the wealth as generated by OUR country.

Need I remind folks that this is OUR country. When in the FUCK did it become Uncle Sam's country and Corporate America's country? Hasn't this country always supposed to belong first and foremost to the private citizen? The people? The interests OF said people? This country is NOT Shell or Mobile or Exxon's. It isn't IBM's country. It isn't Microsoft's. It isn't Walmart's country either. And it sure as hell is not GW Bush and company's country. It is OUR country. It belongs to us ALL. And it's about fucking time Uncle Sam and Corporate America incorporate that mantra into their psyches before ordinary American's begin to not only accept but ask for help from the "evil" Socialists such as Chavez. (And btw, I've said it before and I'll say it again. TRUE Socialism has yet to exist on this planet.. At least not in our lifetimes. If you study Socialism, you will see that it is a system of fairness. In order to lead a Socialist system, one has to be fair, just and honest. It is a pretty enlightened system and thus requires a level of maturity that we have yet to find amongst our political leaders, here at home and around the globe. We have yet to have a truly enlightened leader in these supposed "Socialist" nations. So attack the leaders and not the philosophy. And also remember that Bush isn't a true Republican just as Clinton wasn't a true Democrat.)

Ok, all that being said I frankly don't trust any of these leaders. All have shown signs of being hugely discriminatory towards women. They're the typical political leader--hungry for power and control. No different than the majority of leaders. (A term, btw, which has become grossly mis-used. It's long past time to redefine what a leader is than we shall see no true leader really exists today in the political arena.) The little squat out of North Korea simply needs to be removed from power and placed in a psychiatric ward. Even Chavez needs some enlightenment--with his announcement that he would rule by decree. He knew what he was doing by consolidating power to garner support. However, given this article was focused on leaders who are a threat to you and I, I'd say it was a blantantly exagerrated and grossly slanted article, especially the information about Israel and Palestine. Again, by a threat to "America", do they mean to joe and jane citizen or is it more about a threat to America's interest in the global marketplace? Funny, isn't it, how Uncle Sam and spouse Corporate America promote a global marketplace--until some country wants to increase their power and undermine ours. Isn't that what America has been doing globally for decades?

Maybe Chavez needs to add the terms "spoiled tyrant" and "whiney baby" when referring to some of our leaders here at home.


Stinkin', Flippin' Mad

Where do I begin? There are so many things upsetting me this morning I could fuel a fleet of 747's with the energy of my anger flowing through me.

There's a beautiful house sitting vacant down the street. It's been vacant for two years now. that's right. TWO YEARS. The owners had it for rent for over a year with no takers. About 8 months in, I phoned them up and gave them an offer. It was a few hundred dollars less than what they were asking for, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. Afterall, it had been sitting vacant for months, so these folks were likely losing money. Well, I was laughed at. They couldn't afford to rent it at that price. But it's been vacant for almost 8 months, I said. And we'd guarantee you 12 months. Nope. That was over a year ago. And it still sits empty and alone. Idiots.

What a fucking waste of a beautiful resource. I could smack people like this upside the head. This place could house about 25 homeless people on any given night. Whoever owns it seems to no longer care about it. The yard has become an eyesore. Looking inside, it's not much better. The beautiful hardwood floors are dusty and scuffed up. There's a dead, rotting tree out back. It sickens me to the pit of Who I Am when I see such irresponsibility. What greedy self-centered fucktards these people must be in order to care so little about something that folks such as my spouse and I would give just about ANYTHING to own, much less live in. On an upnote, Mr. Nina and I discovered a wonderful, lush garden of strawberries in their yard that we've been picking off of the past couple of weeks. We have 3/4 of a freezer bag full already of lush, ripe, delicious and I am assuming, organic strawberries. YUMMY!

I had a hard time, a very hard time these days, wondering how people can support the current system. I question why folks flip out and go into their hardened shells when words like love and compassion and the concepts of socialism and sharing the wealth are presented to them. Do people really think it's ok to create and live in a world where we keep our love and compassion locked up in a safe box as we head out into the world with our hats of rugged individualism and distrust??? WHERE IN THE FUCK IS THE IDEALISM THAT THIS COUNTRY WAS SUPPOSEDLY FOUNDED ON??!! Have we lost it feeding our minds, hearts and souls to the system of greed?!

Our electricity has jumped up once again. This time it's due to a credit that was distributed to Pacific Power by the BPA (Bonneville Power Admin), which the BPA has decided not to offer anymore. Think Pacific Power would eat that one instead of taking it away from their customers? I mean come on, given their rates have jumped a good 30% in the past 7 years or so, you would think someone at that place has an ounce of compassion inside, right? Nope. (Now remember folks, if Nina were in charge, there would be no mega monopolies. Folks would have a variety of sources from which to seek and thus choose from their electricity/energy needs.)

Also up, once again, is our milk (up forty cents in the past 2 months). The price of corn is up due to the demand for ethanol (FOCUS SHOULD BE ON THE ELECTRIC CAR, PERIOD). Blah blah blah. So once again, GOD FORBID Corporate America eat the cost. Pass it on to Mom and Pop and their kiddies.

Insurance premium, up 20%.

I swear, same shit, different day. Me, this one little person, can't do a damn thing about it. I called Puget Power. I called our insurance company. I've told them "what if I refuse?" Sure. Like that's going to scare these corporate pigs. I lose services, that's what happens.

Know what? A part of me doesn't care. Doesn't care one fucking bit. Go ahead, cut me off. I'm sick of feeding into your filth quite frankly. Beyind sick, to be truthful. I've become so filled with disgust towards how things are. I struggle every fucking day in one way or another in how I can cohabit amongst a system that goes so contrary to my values. I put on a smile--a lot. That mask I wear so that others don't see how flipping angry and deeply saddened I am. I listen to self empowerment tapes. I try and find some ounce of gratitude for something every day. Little things to escape from the hell and thus, remember who I really am. But god damn....if this continues on course, the system will break me. And even though I like to think of myself as a fighter, lately I wonder if being a part of this system is even worth it anymore. Being free is better than being a slave.

The only answer I have and keep coming back to is to get busy with others who feel the same way, pool our resources, our talents, our gifts, go buy a chunk of land in some remote location (rocky mountains sounds good to me) and create our own intentional, self-containing community. The idea of being paid $8.50/hour, watching that pitiful wage going towards $700/month for an old, run down house, watching the insurance pigs, the energy fucks, our local city water folks and others like them suck off me until I'm dry is no longer tolerable.


Chemtrails: Friend or Foe?

I was inspired to do some research tonight on the Chemtrail phenomena after reading one of the Letters to the Editor in this week's Eugene Weekly. The writer states that chemtrails are in fact contrails and compared the trails to exhaling and seeing our breath on a cold day. She goes on to say that "A contrail can spread horizontally into a layer thin cirrus clouds." (sic)

Uh huh, I thought. Tell me another. I don't recall seeing the skies covered this way when I was growing up. However, she may be on to something when she writes the following: "It has been estimated that in heavy air-traffic corridors, cloud cover could increase as much as 20% with two opposing effects: solar energy reaching the earth is reduced, causing surface cooling; and reduction of heat loss from the planet resulting in warming." She then refers readers to a website, which oddly enough, I was told by MSIE could not be found.

Hmmm. I'm not a scientist in any way shape or form. However, having studied this whole chemtrail/contrail controversy for the past three years, I've come to the conclusion that something's up. All you have to do is look in the skies to notice. No brainer there. Just here in Corvallis tonight, around 8pm, I noticed a bunch of trails. Three of them came together, forming an "X" in two places. Again, don't recall seeing things like that 20 years ago. So while I disagree with this letter writer that chemtrails don't exist and are really harmless contrails, I do believe she is on to something when she says solar energy from the sun is reduced as a result of these trails. She may not realize she is, in her own way, supporting a pretty popular Chemtrail theory: these trails are being put down not to harm us nor to cull the population (although there are very likely health risks (gastrointestinal, respiratory and weakening of the immune system), which given some of the chemicals they've found but rather to save us. Save us by forming a barrier to reduce the increased heat coming from the Sun. There's strong evidence to suggest that Global Warming is being caused by the Sun. Scientists, including NASA, have said there continues to be an increase in solar activity from our glowing friend. Google this fmi.

I've come across an interesting article to support this theory, at least in part. Check it out. The author provides information which states the earth isn't the only planet in our solar system to be undergoing some pretty dramatic changes. Pluto and Mars, like Earth, have shown signs that they are heating up. Like Earth, the ice caps on Mars are melting. And check out this interesting little tidbit: Mercury has actually cooled and has formed an ice cap. The gas planets are said to be heating up, increasing the amount of radiation being emitted. Yikes!

Hmmm. I'll have to do more research to see if these bits of information are true.

I've always had a hard time accepting that this spraying was some massive attempt on a global scale to reduce the population. Afterall, we all breathe the same air. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've wondered if these trails were forming a barrier in some way, to stop the planet from "warming", or at least slow down the process. This isn't the first article I've come across to suggest this theory. My nagging question though is Why won't Uncle Sam come clean? If this really is about saving the people, why not tell us? Probably the usual fear that we the meager public won't be able to handle such information. That or we may revolt. Riot. Demand. Not what an elected official wants when seeking re-election. A complacent society is easier to control afterall.


Songs To Remember Me By

earlier this morning, i thought about songs that resonate most with who i am. songs i would want played at a gathering upon my passing. their styles are completely different, but they still capture who i really am. the first is frank sinatra's "i did it my way". the second is survivor's "eye of the tiger".

when i think of "i did it my way", i think back to an early childhood memory. a first--learning how to ride a bike. my parents bought me a junky, but cute, little red bike at a garage sale for the experience. the same thing many parents across america have done for years. that's where the normalcy of the experience ends. unlike most, if not all, parents and their children, who use this opportunity to bond and work together, i chose to do it my way. i learned how to ride a bike alone. it was my choice. something i was adament about, too.

i rode around in circles in our garage for hours one afternoon until i got the hang of it. i fell--a lot. i remember getting pretty banged up, too. but i never cried, at least not outloud. instead, i got back on after each fall, determined to master the ability to ride. doing it my way. i remember my mom opening the door now and then, usually after hearing me fall, asking me if i was ok, if i was sure i didn't need any help. in my 5 year old voice, i would insist "i am FINE" and i wanted to "do it MYSELF". so, she would go back inside, i'm sure standing by that door all afternoon until i had finally, at last, learned how to ride that little red bike. in my later years, i apologized to her--and my dad--for not having been able to share in that experience with me as most other parents do. i thanked them for not interfering and letting me truly learn it the way i wanted to.

i remember when i first heard "eye of the tiger". rocky 3. 1982 or 1983. i went to see the movie with a friend, who was equally enamored with sylvester stallone as i was, not to mention our common "girls kick ass" attitude. something about that song resonated deeply with me. it sparked my own ability to survive. i had survived 8 years of teasing and harassment from school bullies. i had survived being raised by a father who was loving one moment and violently hateful the next. i had survived years of family gatherings where alcohol and teasing were the norm. i had survived my mother's on-going pressure to make my only goal in life to be a wife and mom.

the name calling. the screaming rages. the aggressive quieting of my feelings, my thoughts, my desires. betrayal. ignoring. that was my childhood. and i had survived it all. and today, all these years later, having survived a host of other messes, including divorce and sexual assault, i'm still alive and kicking. maybe more weary. but that spark is still there. that kick ass attitude. it is, afterall, who i really am. and no one or no experience will ever destroy that spark.

speaking of the rocky movies, for 10 years now i've wanted a punching bag (the standing kind) and gloves. if you have something like this that you no longer use or is collecting dust, i'll gladly take it off your hands. :)


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