i sit here, typing with one hand as the little one commands that i hold/nurse/snuggle her every day after 8pm. sometimes this goes on for more than 2 hours. what this means is my days (or nights) of partying are over for now.
pausing as i wait for confusion and laughter to cease as for anyone who knows me knows i am not a partyier. and hell, i can't even spell the word - but i do like a good time in my own way and where am i going w/all of this anyway????
ah yes, the little one.
breastfeeding is draining what few precious brain cells i have left (due to the partying i did in my younger years). add in sleep deprivation and singing "the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round" every day and you have a recipe for.....
ah, fooled ya, huh?
i never knew love like this before...
the first time ever i saw your face...
we can take forever just a minute at a time...
so many songs i sing to my little angel everyday - looking into her eyes - seeing heavenly forever/all there is - well...it never tires me. even when i am utterly spent with fatigue. why didn't i do this sooner?
for once i was lost and now i am found...what used to pass my days - keeping up with the latest political and agenda happenings and screaming about it is no longer my passion. a little person, under 15 lbs, is my passion.
and yet i want to present her with the reality as i see it. i want her prepared. aware. strong. courageous. loving and kind. i want to live another 60 plus years so that i can be here for her as she enters her own mid-life experiences. i'm anti-pill but find me an anti-aging pill and i'll take it just to add to that self-assurance.
did i mention she has my eyes? and smile?
did i mention she is adorably beautiful?
did i mention she greets me with a smile each and every morning, without fail?
did i mention i cannot live without her?
did i mention i wonder why i did not do this sooner?
what was i so afraid of?
she's discovered television. and is mesmerized by it. the tv 'off' button is the most-used button in the house now. mostly it is now a big square thing with a black face, sitting silently in the living room. it's a silence i can live with.
she loves to dance. i'll turn on some tunes, roberta flack being one of my faves, and she and i will dance, cheek-to-cheek. we've created several spontanteous baby naps doing this.
did i mention there is nothing more calming than your baby's sweet little breathe on your neck?
did i mention there is nothing softer than your baby's skin?
did i mention there is nothing more precious than 5 little fingers stroking your shoulder?
did i mention there is nothing more addictive than inhaling your baby's sweet scent?
i write her letters, expressing my wishes for her and my concerns. i wish for myself, at times, super-hero characteristics. i want to protect her from harm and pain of any kind. i want to clean the slate clean of our world of all the ills and evils so that her life experience can be of the heavenly kind. my one goal is to work to ensure i leave her with a home and land so that she many never know homelessness. and the skills to garden and hunt so that she may never know hunger. i wish for her to be surrounded by good friends, the kind who can be trusted and counted on.
for now, we are focused on learning how to scoot and sit up - on how to catch the drool and spit-up before they find their place on the carpet or mama's clothing. life is good.
and now the clock tells me it is 10:30pm and little one is finally asleep. therefore, it is also time for the mama (that would be me) to tuck myself in to bed as well.