godfather of soul.........and wife beater

james brown's death has brought to the forefront his natural, cosmos-given incredible musical ability.......the guy could sing, dance and feeeeel his way through his music........never did i see a performance of his be neutral (like so many of today's pop music performers)..........the guy brought the energy of the cosmos into his being when he was singing........

just too damn bad he's put on this pedestal without remembering his violent side, without remembering he liked to smack women around........

media bias.......promoting male supremacy............enough already...........if we're going to highlight someone's life, let's not forget to bring in the darker side, too..........when does the media ever do this when it comes to men? look at princess diana and marilyn--the media did and continue to do an extensive job of covering their ills and closet secrets. wtf can they not give equal treatment to those famous men who pass?

and now gerald ford has died and it's all over the news.........yawn.......he did what for our country? not only was he the accidental president, he seems to be the invisible president........gerald who????

i know when i die, i don't want people sitting around and remembering only one side of me......i want people to remember all of me...........my idealism........my temper, too.............my soft, tenderness..........and those times when my words can cut like a knife........

may these folks rest in peace..........and may we remaining persons on planet earth remember them for who they were--in every facet.


bizarro world

i applied for a freelance writing/editing position about 2 weeks ago. the magazine is set to launch in january. i followed the dude's instructions as expressed in his voicemail. "contact us with your material and we will get right back to you." suuuuuuuuure ya will. wtf is UP with folks not doing what they say? what is even worse is when i have said "you said you would do 'x' and you didn't" i very rarely receive an apology. just a list of excuses. i'm at a point where i want to create a special court system for those who have the gross habit of saying whatever they want and not owning up to their words or consequences resulting from their words.

for the freelance writing position, i also went through their site and found a major typo. they had misspelled one of their advertisers--a local biz. checking their site today, i noticed they changed the spelling. however, it is still misspelled.

so no response to my submission. not even a "thank you" for pointing out their error. flake. i already worked for a publisher who was a major flake. had all sorts of promises at the start, including the promise of a contract (i worked as a freelance writer). a contract that was never created despite my on-going requests, which in time became labeled as "nagging". i even wrote up my own contract but he just laughed and said he wouldn't sign it. when i would say "you never pay me on time" his answer was "hey at least i pay you". his reason for paying me with such inconsistency? "i cannot pay you until my advertisers pay me." moron. i finally quit. at one point i even said "you are a flake". his response? "i know." at least he owned it. made him more pitiful though.

here's another little ditty in my bizarro world. i haven't written about this before, at least i don't think i have. one of the things i do on the side is i pick up dog waste. yep, i pick up poop. not the most glamourous of jobs of course but, except for those days when it is a rainstorm of biblical proportions, it is easy money. my client list is pitifully small: one. i've had several calls but apparently people don't want spend more than $5/week or so on such a service. i charge a reasonable rate--$10/week for one dog, $15 for two. i provide all supplies. anyway last week i arrived to scoop. my client has a chain link fence. the entrance is two gates, which are held together by a chain and latch. well when it rains, the chain gets rusty. sometimes the owner loops the chain together very tightly, making it difficult to unlatch when it's dry. add the rain and it becomes quite the task. my fingers kept slipping and my hand, which already had a cut on it, kept bumping into the fence. after several minutes of this, i let out a "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" then let loose a couple of choice words. i then took a deep breath and went back at it. after another couple of minutes, i wasn't making any progress. my hands were very cold by this point and were covered with rust. my cut had also been rubbed open and was beginning to bleed. i considered my options. i could always just go and leave a note, explaining my dilemma. i am, afterall, to have easy access to the residence if i am to scoop. but i had already dropped off my bill in her mail slot. so i stared at the fence, put my hand on either side and shook it, let out a couple more choice words as i encouraged it to open, then went back at it. finally, i was able to get inside.

later that evening, my client called and asked what had happened today. at first i was confused until she said one of her neighbors had said someone was at her fence, swearing. i laughed and said i had had a bit of a tantrum trying to get into her gate. client didn't think this was funny. just kept repeating the words of her neighbor. while i wanted to say "your neighbor sounds like he or she has too much spare time on their hands. have they not gotten frustrated and expressed that frustration? were they not able to come out and ask me what was wrong?" i mean good lord............instead i put on my professional biz owner hat and said "i am sorry if my actions and choice of words disturbed your neighbor."

i would like to know which neighbor she was referring to. i'd like to give them a big fat smile when i see them and perhaps flip them the bird. i've been scooping at this home for over a year and a half. the neighbors know who i am by now. so silly...........although about what i would expect from our puritanical society. so uptight. this kind of public behavior is completely acceptable throughout parts of europe. i once had a friend visit italy. when she came back she told me i would appreciate it because people expressed themselves and their emotions very freely in public and it isn't looked down upon.

i already know i live in the wrong country. i'm not a christian. i don't support either political party. i despise capitalism, lies, greed and corporate/political corruption. i support sharing the wealth. i believe in freedom of expression. maybe i need to take my bizarro world underground.......i do fantasize--a lot--about coming into a lot of money, buying an acre in the woods, building a small, energy efficient/self sustainable cabin and spending my days gardening, creating music and art and hanging with my hub, dog and all that nature has to provide.

the day after

christmas is over. bittersweet. had some excellent food. my two closest friends called which was very comforting. watched some movies and snuggled w/the hub. had some entertaining phone calls with some family members. had some painfully frustrating conversations with others. got to hear about the time, sweat and money my bro and his wife have put into building their new "you must believe in jesus lest you wish to enter hell upon death" dogma center. (aka: church). if i had drank more wine i would have had the courage to say "bastard" and hang up. sob can't help out his own sister when i asked but he sure as hell can invest himself into his church. hub's mom and dad is the same way. i will never understand these folks who say 'we serve the lord'. doesn't that mean you serve those you love and care about first and foremost?

got to hear from my dad's wife about the foreigners in their area, how in some places "we [the white folks] are the minority." also got to hear her mention the term "lower class" when referencing the foreigners. wtf does that mean? my dad is into the whole class thing, which is a joke considering he grew up poor, and you cannot take the poverty experience out of the human. dad's still that simple poor kid down the street at heart. he just likes to tell himself he's ok because he has money. it's sad in a way. what is insulting to me is that my spouse and i are part of this "lower" class, as defined by society, as believed in by my dad and his wife, so why she would even reference this in such a way is beyond me. perhaps it's the foot and mouth disease.......

also got to hear from my spouses siblings and bitch-from-hell sister in law ranting in the background. she has her religious foot stuck so far up her ass, she refuses to visit us simply because my hub failed to wish her a happy easter one year. when she flipped out on him for this "sin", he asked her to calm down. when she refused, he hung up. she has refused to speak with him since. well, we sent the family a package anyway, a package we asked if they had received given hub's brother (sis-in-law from hell's hub) didn't mention it arriving. he wasn't sure where it was so he asked sil from hell. we heard her in the background as she said it arrived a week ago and she said very catty-like, "it's at the post office. we'll get it later, geez!" no "thank you". no acknowledgement. nothing. that's it, as i told my spouse.

actually that's it in terms of gifts we send without acknowledgement, which means next year, instead of 10 packages, i'll be limiting it to 2. if whatever it is i am giving to or investing in isn't coming back to me in some way, even in the form of an acknowledgment, then i will no longer invest my energy.

some people would say "love anyway". i say that's a quick road to disappointment. i've tried to do the "have no expectations" mantra. i can convince my head of it but not my heart. never my heart. certain experiences i can release the need for expectations. but when it comes to family, when it comes to those who you know in your heart are supposed to love you, i cannot escape the needs, the wants. so, while i can love in my heart and have hope, i will no longer invest my time and energy into anyone or anything that is not answering me back in kind.

so another christmas has come and gone, leaving me thinking why do i celebrate it at all. each year i invest less and less energy into the whole event. i haven't believed in the whole jesus story in a very long time, if i ever really did at all. maybe a few years as a kid when i was brainwashed by the church. maybe it's the desire to create more time with people of my choosing, people i feel a real connection with and who feel the same about me. creating my own family. and taking the time to celebrate together. celebrate the simple act of spending time together laughing, crying, talking, eating. even arguing now and then, then working through understanding and forgiving. being real.


Festivus for the Rest of Us

if you never watched seinfeld, you won't know what i am talking about. however if you did, you know what festivus is. it's for those of us who feel a certain disdain for christmas. all of those feelings of love and peace come into conflict with the pain that seems to rear its little head the most intensely during this time of year.

in honor of that television tradition, let me dedicate this post to those people in my life who have disappointed me this past year.

1) my spouses employer. you renigged on a promise of job title and pay. you then did away with vacation time. all of this to save money. you are a greedy pig.

2) employers i worked for or attempted to work for. too numerous to list. you all had a few things in common: an inability to keep your word; an inability to communicate your intentions, even when they had changed; and a refusal to own up to your end of any misunderstanding or conflict. you're all flakes.

3) our landlord. you've let this place fall apart while raising the rent. you made an illegal entry then threw a hissy fit when we called you on it. you have failed to keep your promises of repairs and landscape upkeep. and you have had the gall to complain about your financial life, at times using it as an excuse not to make a repair. you are both greedy and a flake.

4) certain members of our family. lots of promises to visit that never happened. distancing of yourselves because we aren't of your religious faith. in one instance, not only distancing but a flat out refusal to step foot in our house. all i can say is thank god for the nieces and nephews. it is you who keep us hopeful and our hearts attached. too damn bad your parents are so stupid.

5) certain organizations here in town who employ certain people who are clueless as to what it means to live in poverty, what it means to have health problems, what it means to be underpaid, what it means to look for and compete for work. your lack of compassion and sympathy do a disservice to the term "social service agency". may karma visit you and see you through to your termination of employment.

6) former friends. those folks who have bailed when conflict arose or when they couldn't handle seeing the struggles of yours truly (spouse included). so sorry my life was too difficult for you to handle. we're better off without you. i only hope others see behind that smile, that laugh. it's a facade. life ain't all smiles. it's smiles and frowns. thought you would have learned that by the time you entered your 40's.

happy holidays. and for the rest of us, happy festivus. OY



what do you get when you cross a would-be employer and promises of work? in my case, a FLAKE.

i recently wrote to this would-be person, stating after some contemplation, i believed they needed to compensate me for work i turned down. why? because i was waiting for work to come from them. work, by the way, that was told would be coming. first promised on a particular week (the week i turned down the offer of extra work from my current employer) then later promised in the upcoming 2 weeks. it turned into an utter dead end when i was told (after i made contact) all was on hold.

now this person has the nerve to tell me they owe me no such thing considering i should have written them telling me of this extra work opportunity. wtf? does this person fail to remember his own words? to add insult to injury, he said instead of compensating me for potential lost work opportunity (potential?? IT WAS A LOST WORK OPPORTUNITY, idiot), he said he will offer me their at-home course at no charge.

what a pretentious assumption to make. what an insult. and how utterly arrogant. typical salesman pitch.

i wrote back, reiterating his responsibility in the matter and again, this time rather than asking, commanding him to pay me. no more ms. nice gal.

good thing i found out about him before i was months into working for him. it has been my experience with so many of these new age folks that they are, in a nutshell, flaky. flightly. and completely unwilling (incapable?) of doing what they say and taking responsibility for their own words, instead saying such nonsense as "we are sorry things did not work out". excuse me, do not imply things did not work out because of what i did. you are the one who promised me work. you failed to deliver on that. and it is i who had to contact you to find out your intentions had changed. and not once did you say "woops, you are right, i did say these things to you and i am sorry for that." and in this situation, i e-mailed him his own e-mails, his own words.

put any of this on me? don't think so. look in the mirror. this one is on YOU.


Religious Hypocrisy

i received a christmas newsletter over the weekend from my brother and his family. his wife created it. it was in the form of a poem. a very clever, cute poem. something i would have no issues with if it weren't for the blaring hypocrisy.

my brother and his wife are very religious. so much so that they created their own church as modeled by their previous church, located in the state in which they used to reside. i've written about their beliefs in previous posts of long ago. let's just say their religious beliefs by and large clash with mine. he has his, i have mine. although ask my brother and he will say his are right and mine are wrong.

the newsletter spoke in quite a bit of detail about their church, the time and energy and money they've devoted to getting it off the ground and assisting in running it. they "serve the lord", as they put it.

again, in and of itself, no problem there. however, being they have found so much love and compassion in their hearts to devote to this, when in the hell has that love been sent my way? i would like to write them and say "hey, remember me? the sister/sister-inlaw? the one who loaned you my wedding dress because you couldn't afford to buy one? the one who played at your wedding and who threw you your bridal party? the one who let you stay with me while you were looking for work in the same city in which i lived? the one who did your resumes? the one who GAVE you money for college (while i was in college myself) because mom and dad had failed to do as promise? the one who agreed, lovingly, to be the godmother for your son? the one who babysat your son countless times, including traveling out of state to do so, never asking nor expecting anything in return other than maybe you come visit? the one who, along with my spouse, visited you numerous times over the years, hoping you would keep your word and visit us only to be disappointed and in time, gave up knowing the words were just words? the one who, upon your turning "religious", was told that my beliefs were bullshit, my feelings crap, that i was selfish for thinking on my own rather than reading the bible and believing some supposed church leader bible expert, and that just about every word that has ever come out of my mouth, you disagree with? the one who, when i announced i was getting married, i got criticized for having it on a weekday, even though i chose that day to honor a family member's birthday who had long since passed? and to add further insult to injury, who was criticized when i asked for your children, my niece and nephew, to be a part of the wedding, saying i "should not have" done that without checking with the family patriarch, despite the matriarch, mama bear, saying she was fine with the kids partaking? and adding even further insult to injury, when mama bear decided to write me a letter stating the reasons why i should not marry my spouse, claiming the entire family felt that way (which i later found out was utterly untrue) and when i got upset with her, not for her expressing her truth but in how she said it and when (2 days before christmas--when we were all planning to get togehter), i got critized sharply and then got told "it was all my fault" because my spouse was now hurt (saying i had no business sharing this information with him). and who, when i asked you, brother, for money during a time when my spouse and i struggled with health issues and lack of employment, was told "no" and later was offered such loving, brilliant advice from your wife who said "go pick broccoli" and that "we cannot give you anything" even though you were living RENT FREE (while making a good salary) with mom while you looked for a home to buy."

you serve the lord? bullshit. when you serve "god" you serve people, which means you put your family FIRST. i've done that for you both many times in the past, even when i have been sick with anxiety and panic. i see through your hypocrisy. have seen it over the years. now that i have read your words, i see it even more clearly now for your actions and words are now in direct alignment.

mankind vs. beast vs. planet

i tried posting this yesterday but either blogger or my browser was behaving dysfunctionally. i can no longer find the article so i'll just have to paraphrase. an elephant was shot and killed in india last week. this elephant had (supposedly) been terrorizing a village off and on for 2 years, trampling huts and people alike. a day or so later, after being killed, some of the other members of this elephant's herd charged through this same village, creating further havoc.

no surprise there. elephant's are very intelligent and every bit as emotional and connected with their "families" as we humans are.

once again, we are seeing another terrible example of what happens when humans invade a space and consume the surrounding resources. something always must be lost so that humans can gain. now of course i could go on and on about this, but then i would be a hypocrite, wouldn't i? the land on which my house resides had to see loss of vegetation and a displacement of a variety of animal species, all so i could have a warm place to live. and if an elephant were trampling the homes in my neighborhood, terrorizing the people, the children, the pets, i would want it removed. if it harmed (or worse) my dog or my spouse, i wouldn't hesitate putting a bullet through its head.

what the hell is the balance anymore? can there be a balance? is it possible for every living creature to have what they need at this stage in the evolutionary game?

when we speak of overpopulation, that angers a lot of people. "we have the RIGHT" is something we humans love to spout. "we have the RIGHT to have as many kids as we want!" "we have the RIGHT to build this 10,000 square foot mansion!" "we have the RIGHT to drive this car wherever we wish!" the question i've been asking myself when i have these same thoughts is "according to whom?" who says i have this right? i believe it's just me. and being there is more than just me residing on this planet, it is only fair that i consider others. not that this is easy for me to do. life has not been easy for me--at all. i don't have a strong family system. they're half-assed at best. certainly not predictable in their reliability. i struggle with depression and anxiety/panic. i have a couple of friends, one locally, who i know i could count on. i have my spouse, whose family is even more deplorable than my own. his friend situation is no better than mine. it could be worse, i realize that. but it could also be a hell of a lot better! given the life i have lived, it is difficult for me to consider others. when you've been kicked around and when it goes against your inherent desire to fight back, or fight at all, when life has simply not given you what you have tried to achieve, it is natural to fall into the "me first at the expense of you" mentality. i try not to. but it's there nonetheless.

one of the things i am opening up to is presenting something not only to myself but to the people of this planet. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all begin to talk about how we live. truly how we live. how we consume. how we interact with others around us. difficult to do for most considering it takes time to think at this level and who wants to realize that they could cut back on what they are consuming. there's a lot of talk about elevating consciousness. that has, overall, been a joke. i was once part of the new age/new thought movement. these folks love to talk about love of self and connecting with a higher intelligence, connecting with our higher selves. however, none have offered up any answer to the planetary crisis. they think simply having positive thoughts about it all is enough. hypocritical it is to me to see so many of these folks live a life of luxury, claiming this is due to their own thoughts and the gifts of the universe. i used to cling to those words. now they repel me. sure, thoughts and intentions create. and i believe the universe doesn't judge. (if it did, think we'd have this mess?) but don't these people realize their gluttony is causing others to go without (gluttony only as defined by the truth that the planet could not sustain their lifestyles for all)? don't they realize that there are only so many resources to go around and that if everyone were to live THEIR lifestyle, the planet could in no way sustain it? let's talk about, instead, of living in HARMONY (and i'm not just talking about peaceful spiritual harmony) with the earth. we need to establish some guidelines, beginning with creating a scenario that depicts what is the maximum lifestyle each of us can live (equally) that will be sustainable for our planet.

it's quite simple. while i realize that the above scenario and necessary thoughtfulness would be a very difficult pill to swallow, and while i realize not all would choose to live alike, we ALL deserve to have the equal chance to do just that.


A Friend In Need of Help

i have a good friend that, whenever i speak with, always seems to humble me and make me realize my problems ain't so difficult. at least compared to hers. this is a woman who lost custody to two of her children last year. some family court judge awarded the ex-husband primary custody. money seems to be the motivating factor. the ex has it, my friend does not. you can buy justice in this country if you have $$, the right judge and attorney's running the show.

this decision........a nightmare decision if ever there was one. he abuses the kids, especially the youngest, who he never wanted to begin with. my friend left this man (and the state in which he lives) when she was pregnant with the youngest back in early 1997, moved out here (where we met shortly thereafter) and started a new life for herself and her children. however, he came back into her life, full of promises of being a "changed man". desperate to have a family again and a father for her children, she returned to him in late 2000 where they then remarried. within a few months, she knew he had manipulated her. he hadn't changed one bit. if anything, his mood swings and violent behavior had only increased. i met the man once. that was enough for me. everything in me said this was someone not to be trusted. my spouse received the same impression.

the youngest daughter, who i knew the first 3 years of her life when it was just she and her mama and sisters, was a very happy, outgoing child. she had a sparkle in her eyes that put a smile in your heart and on your face. she could transform the grinch with just one of her giggles.

however, tragically and sadly, upon reuniting with daddy, this child's behavior took a drastic turn for the worst. when she visited with her mama and sisters just a little over a year after they had left to be with him again, i noticed the spark in her eye was gone. she was no longer the happy, outgoing little girl i had grown to know and love. replaced was a child who was very moody, clingy and defiant. she had taken up hitting and biting. to say this was an angry child was an understatement. she was particular clingy with my spouse. it was as though she was desperate for an adult male to love her and show her attention.

if this weren't bad enough, my friend is now recovering from cancer. she's also in the process of trying to regain custody. she and i are on a crusade to see that this happens. we will be writing talk shows and contacting powerful attorney's in the hopes of finding one who will take the case pro bono. if anyone knows of such a person, please post your contact information in the comment section. thank you.


potential to make more income

'tis the answer i received from the local hospital's financial/billing office. the question? we need financial assistance for a hospital bill can you please help us? after turning in our income statement for the prior 12 months, even though we fall within their own income guidelines for free care, stephanie (skank bitches name who is now on my personal shit list) decided to decline our request because of our earning potential. she claims it can be more.

no shit, sherlock. it can be a lot more. for us. and many others.

when i was told this by her assistant, i laughed and said "ok and your point is....." ? that was before i flipped my lid..........

so now i get to (ok, choose to) appeal where upon i must explain to them why i am only working part-time (their main issue was with me and my part-time employment) and lay out the steps i have taken to find additional part-time work. oh goodie. let's revisit the last year of employment-seeking hell. just in time for the holidays, too!

i will make sure i include my latest fiasco, where upon i was sold yet another lie by a biz owner who, after having me do some work for him over the course of a few weeks, decided the stresses of life were eating away at him, so he took off for some r & r. "i will call you when i return and assign you more work," he said. he returned, but no phone call arrived. i contacted him. "i am not quite ready to assign you work. please bear with me." i waited a few weeks and contacted him yet again. biz owner, who is now a royal jackass in my book, said "oh but wait, there is no work for you. it was never my intention that you wait for me. (oh really??? i believe the terms "i will have work for you" and "please bear with me" constitute WAITING.) i will be off for the holidays. (and you were going to tell me this when???) and i have put all contract work on hold. (again, you were going to tell me this when???)"

my response to his bullshit diatribe has yet to receive a response.

if life were fair and just, which is to say if people (like the above) were fair and just, i would receive compensation for this type of inconsiderate crap. until then, i get to explain to employees like stephanie, young enough to be my f'ing child and who hasn't a clue what it's like to look for work in today's market, why i am worthy of some financial assistance and justify what i have done to seek additional work this past year. i despise doing this and desire, instead, to tell her to bend over so i can kick her ass into the next county. or at least out of her cushy little job. let me have it. she can walk in my shoes for awhile. maybe then she'll catch a clue............


Sorry, I cannot do that.

i've been posting about my job search experience the past few days on a local website. the responses have surprised me. most have basically said, in a nutshell, "shut up and accept things as they are." one poster even said, "you asked why you should accept things as they are. um, because that IS how things are." wow! what an amazing ability this person has in engaging in dialogue of depth. encore, encore.

shut up? sorry, i cannot do that.

i brought up several points for discussion, including the low wages, lack of benefits, employers who are more interested in skills (which can be taught) than they are in interest or personality, the ever-invasive use of drug testing (which is not reliable. some of the most dangerous and harmful drugs are out of the system within 72 hours) and the ever-elusive background check. no way will i agree to "whatever means necessary". tell me precisely what those means are and we can discuss it.

most shocking to me was being told the employment situation is not a two-way deal. wtf? what is it then? also surprising was being told i had no right to demand a thing of an employer.

baaa baaaaa baaaaa

in all seriousness, such responses are frightening and should scare the shit out of all prospective applicants. the forces-that-be have done their job in brainwashing a large lot of american slaves, er i mean workers.

the assumptions about me were equally amusing. it was assumed i was in my 20's. male. uneducated. and, weirdly enough, not capable of working as an independent contractor (who the hell knows how this assumption was comprised). i laughed as i said i was 40, female, college-educated and my current and previous position consisted of contract work.

anyway.............i am still apathetic to my employment situation. actually apathetic isn't the word. depressed doesn't even adaquately apply. how do i feel? hmmm. blank. maybe that word will suffice for now.

i am holding on to a grain of hope here. don't know if it's wishful, fantasy-like thinking or not. don't know if there is any chance this hope is based on any universal truth or principle. or possibility. but something in me has always known i need to work for myself. have my own organization. yes, i admit, i have a difficult time working for others, especially when there is a clash in values between myself and the boss. i once worked for an accounting firm. it was there that i learned there is indeed truth in stereotypes. cpa's, at least at this firm, are boring as hell and oh so uptight. i remember one of them told a joke and everyone but me was laughing hysterically. feigning a smile, i quietly walked away. although i do admit to feeling a sense of relief that they could actually laugh! it was the first time i had ever seen one such cpa smile! i also remember the time when one of the cpa's has given me his billing sheet. i noticed he had charged full price for helping his sister with her taxes. figuring this was an error, i brought it to his attention. gruffly he said "full price". i stood there by the side of his desk, hand on my heart. "but this is your sister. surely, you would at least consider offering her a discounted rate." the look he gave me made it clear he was indeed serious and i had better get my bleeding-heart ass out of his office.

back to this grain of hope. for some time now i have known there is a group of people i am "meant" to meet. this feeling, this knowing, won't go away. it's the same feeling i had when i was waiting for my husband to show up. i had absolutely no doubt he was out there looking for me. so i am very familiar with this feeling. these people i am meant to connect with......a group of like-minded folks. humanitarians. passionate, independent thinkers. maybe even those who feel a little like outcasts, perhaps some even having gone through similar experiences as have i. we are meant to meet and form an organization, non-profit most likely. an agency whose mission will include at least one of the following: seeing an end to poverty, homelessness, hunger; helping to create policies to redistribute the wealth; ending unnecessary suffering; conflict resolution and peacemaking. i can get jazzed up about any of these ideas. and something within me continues to say i am here to be a part of something to help heal our planet, ourselves, our world, starting with one person at a time. do i wait for this to happen? searching, thus far, has not brought me the desired results. i have shared my ideas with others, including many in my community. so far, no takers, just nods of encouragement and "good luck" smiles.

perhaps then i need to trust as i did with my spouse. i felt something would be happening. knew it. wanted it to the core of my being. got as clear as i could as to my intentions. then let it go, trusting it would return to me..........


hey, see ya later employment world!

i am finished with the employment world. FINISHED. DONE. i am DONE applying for companies that want me to work a part-time job and where i must be ENSLAVED to these greedy motherfuckers every shift, all hours, every fucking day of the week. i am DONE applying for companies that want me to provide a million year background check, provide my urine and blood to make sure i haven't been smoking any crack (which at this point in the game IS STARTING TO BECOME A VIABLE OPTION in order to deal with the BULLSHIT GAMES OF TODAY'S EMPLOYMENT WORLD. long-term job search and u expect me to be sober???). i am FINISHED with the blood, sweat and tears of applying only to not hear back a god damn fucking thing--in other words, i am respectful of YOUR wishes and yet you aren't respecting mine. i am FINISHED with the insanely long list of skills and experience all for a whopping $8 per hour. woo hoo SIGN ME UP johnny!! i am FINISHED with posting a myriad of resumes on the career sites only to have my e-mail box fill up with nothing but SPAM. i am FINISHED with posting my resume on sites that provide jobs and careers that actually interest me only to have the same fucking results. i am FINISHED with visiting employment websites on a daily basis only to exit the site frustrated and disappointed. why? BECAUSE I CONTINUE TO SEE THE SAME FUCKING ADS I HAVE RESPONDED TO AND HAVEN'T HEARD A FUCKING WORD. i am finished with employment agencies and their bloody stupid endless list of tests and questions, only to be told "oh, we will be able to find you a job, no problem" and following that, only to be told by some perky gum-snapping bimbo upon calling in weekly "oh i am sorry we have nothing today please call back." i am DONE with networking and these STUPID lame-ass classes full of other desperate job seekers, taught by over-paid EMPLOYED lame brains who think this is an excellent place to network, failing to realize that as soon as word of an available job is spoken, especially a GOOD available job, people suddenly make a mad dash to leave. wake up instructors--people are DESPERATE. d e s p e r a t e. the pickings are slim. people do not come here to look for work and help others and socialize. they come for one reason alone: to FIND A JOB. PERIOD. i am DONE talking with others in the same/similar situation, trying to convince them we can put our minds together, come up with our own way of making an income, create our own business, only to realize i am talking to mindless sheep who are still convinced by and enslaved to the "work for another" mentality.

if society, if the working world still expects me to "work for a living" and "pay my own way", then fine. you bring me the fucking job because i am done knocking on doors, searching the web, filling out applications, submitting resumes and researching your stupid companies website. DONE. FINISHED. NO MORE. my mind and body have become chronically burned out, run down and sick as a result of this pathetic waste of time and energy i have put myself through. you want me bad enough? you can come to me. as a wise friend once told me, when i was searching for mr. right, "when the right one comes along, he will know it when he sees you and wild horses won't be able to keep him away from you". she was right. and i figure if this can apply for searching for the right man, it sure as hell can apply for my search for the right job.

so working world, i salute you with the big "FUCK OFF". put myself through one more second of frustration so i can maybe have tiny chance of being selected for an interview, but then only to be told later i am over-qualified or under-qualified? no thank you.


speaking the truth of my heart--in other words sometimes a "fuck you" will suffice

i am notorious for wanting to say something, but instead i stop and think "that's not nice" or "that's not appropriate" and either shut up or say something contrary to what i had originally wanted to say. has this worked for me? uh, no.

i remember once while in a counseling session a couple of years ago saying "it would feel SO FREEING to just say it as it is. feel what i feel. say the first thing that comes to mind without stopping to censor myself." i went on to say "in fact, i would love to just say 'fuck off' to someone. just once--fuck off."

i have finally arrived at a place where i can't be a doormat anymore. not for anyone. not for family, friends or employers. i took a risk and told someone with whom i was doing work for, well no let me correct that--for someone with whom i was SUPPOSED to be doing work for but this someone couldn't get their act together and come up with a working plan for me--i took a risk, said what i needed, pointed out how they were not meeting this need, and said i can't do this anymore. i cannot work for people who do not meet these needs. felt so damn good. i hesitated because i am the type who doesn't like to let things go until i can see a replacement situation. and being this involves money and being i am not making nearly what i desire nor deserve, that created even more hesitation. but something in me said "do it. trust. speak your truth." and i did. and it felt oh so fucking awesome.

i still have the desire to say "you're a flake". why is that? i can speak respectfully and assertively but still have that part of me that wants to say "you're a flake. fuck off."

i have learned no one will come to my rescue and speak for me or defend me. well ok, either than my spouse. he'd go to bat for me in a heartbeat and at times i have to literally hold him back from going on the attack on my behalf. he's a big guy who wouldn't hesitate in kicking the shit out of anyone who harmed me, intentionally or not. while i love that about him, i know that wouldn't make me feel any better about myself. i have a voice. it's time i use it more effectively and assertively.

i have endlessly let people cut in front of me in line (although do that in traffic and i'll "fuck you" from the safety of my car). i have let people's children run into me without saying a word. i have let certain family members lie to me and say ugly things all while i take it in without a word. i have let employers dick me around with excuses while i do nothing but take a deep breath and pretend things are ok. i have let people promise me one thing and not deliver and not say a damn thing other than "oh that's ok." NO IT'S NOT. NONE OF IT IS OK WITH ME. ENOUGH.

there is conflict within me as to how to speak my mind. i have studied non-violent communication and while i love how you focus on your needs and how they are being unmet, there is no room to tell someone to "fuck off". that is considered an act of violence. but isn't it ok to be violent at times? i mean come on, don't some people at certain times have a big "fuck off" coming their way??? i have a big list of situations with certain individuals who are worthy of such an outburst from yours truly. i remember once as a teen, my parents were, in my teenage mind, being unreasonably unfair. after trying to communicate with them, realizing i was getting nowhere, i became so enraged with teenage angst that i blurted out "you two are FUCKED". emphasis intended. ooooh, how great that felt. however, that relief was immediately replaced with fear. terror, actually. i had never muttered that word before in their presence. visions of beatings and being thrown out onto the streets raced through my mind. however, my parents were too shocked to do or say anything. instead, after their eyes returned to the front of their sockets and their jaws returned to their appropriate setting, they simply acted as though that word had never been spoken.

i felt a boost of power that day. for indeed, sometimes in speaking one's truth, there is nothing more powerful, direct and eloquent as a good old-fashioned "fuck you" to make your point. i must remember that........


An Eye-Opening Quiz

how many planets are needed if everyone were to sustain your level of living? i rate a 1.6, which was a bit of shocker considering our house is small, i buy locally as much as i am able, we recycle and resuse a lot and we don't much many miles on our car (part of that is due to needing transmission work). i'd like to bring it down to 1. playing around with the quiz, i lowered it to 1.1 simply by moving to a different country...... check it out: www.myfootprint.org

defining "progressive"

i'm not sure what the term "progressive" means anymore. i used to think it meant those things that are counter to the status quo--over-consumption, greed, staggering cost of living, class system, etc. however, i am beginning to see where it really means "ok we wish to see change but only if i don't have to change my behavior." case in point. i saw a flyer for a house for rent. tiny 2 bedroom. the owners say they are progressive, into sustainability. their home is on a small lot with organic veggie beds and fruit trees. tiny house on tiny lot. all for only $850/month. they had me hopeful until i saw the price. what typical renter can afford that price? if they were truly progressive, they would make it affordable for everyone.

visiting a website that labels itself "progressive", i have seen similar behavior. i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive who have said: "well, you know, folks who have to declare bankruptcy usually have a character flaw that leads them to be in this situation to begin with." yep. even sadder is that few people challenged this outrageous and arrogant statement. (i kept reading, hoping the reader would point out the character flaws of our government and the elite that have both created and kept the class system going.) i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive that "health care costs need to be made more affordable." nothing about universal coverage for all. and i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive who support NAFTA and think the solution is "more education so that we produce more engineers, high-tech personnel and doctors and less lawyers and social workers". unbelievable. and utterly naive.

i am sickened by people who drive suv's and slap bumperstickers on their car with sayings such as: "proud to be democrat" or "kerry/edwards" or "live simply". go on home to your big home in the subarbs, look through your stock portfolio and fall asleep watching your big screen tv with satellite dish. when you fully wake up and examine your own excessive consumption and realize how that is harming the planet and making it so millions of others are unable to create a safe, sustainable existance, THEN you can share your ideals with the world.

it's time to define what progressive means. i think i can come up with some ideas that fall under the term "progressive". health care for all. affordable housing for all (and housing that is practical--unless you have 9 children, which hopefully at least 6 have been adopted, no one needs a 3,000 plus square foot home). employment that provides a living wage, vacation, sick leave and retirement for all. clean air to breathe. healthy, abundant food that is free from pesticides and hormones. a safe environment. clean, running water. an elimination of the class system. redistribute the wealth. people first, profits second. living in a way that doesn't take away the right of another to live in the same manner, or put another way: live in balance with the earth and with your neighbors.


Excuse Me. I'm Not a Christian. Please Bring Me the Koran.

newly elected democratic keith ellison is refusing to pledge his oath of office by swearing on the bible. instead, being he's muslim, he wishes to use the koran. makes sense to me. but of course, being this is, according to the wacko's, a "christian nation", there are uproars from some religious folks.

i'm an american. i remember hearing we are all free to worship (or not) any god, statue or food item of our choice. i could care less what book a member of congress chooses to put their hands upon when taking the oath of office. i care about the person's character and how well they will serve their constituents. they could put their hand on "my pet goat" for all i care. (perhaps bush would have been better served by swearing on this book instead of the bible.) and lest we all forget: placing their hands upon this described holy book has not kept our representatives from lying and stealing and cheating you and i.

maybe we need to pick a new book altogether. scrap the religious books. people are very protective and thus passionately intense about their religious beliefs, so much so it can cloud their eyes to other ways of viewing the cosmos and the world. america is expanding. people of different color, ethnicity and religions are entering the polical arena. using a generic book, one free of religious connotations, may be a good idea. as such, i would like to present my list of ideas. please feel free to add your own.........

1) oh the places you will go, by dr. seuss. a beautifully written, simple book about encouragement and the ups and down of life. a good book to remind our elected officials that we are all in this life together.

2) all i really needed to know i learned in kindergarten, by robert fulghum. another simple book with a grand focus on respect, sharing and listening, values oh so needed in our government.

3) who's the boss, by nina and the rest of america. an excellent guidebook that reminds our government that we the people have the power to hire and fire them, we pay their salaries and their benefits and therefore, they work for us.

following the in's and out's of my blog readers

i have one of those counter's that allow me to see who has viewed my blog, their location, how long they visited (which isn't very long--perhaps i need to spice things up a bit), their referring page and their out page. some of these in and out pages have been quite interesting.

take for instance a recent viewer. this person's referring page was a site containing nude photos of a young woman. (how the hell this person went from this woman's page to mine, i haven't a clue. you certainly won't find nudie pics on this blog nor do i search for nudie pics myself. and even if i did, i would most definitely be searching for nudie shots of males.) this person's outpage? some christian religious nutcase. ah, the mind of the human being.........can go from looking at pornographic material to reading about the messages of jesus......

hey, i wonder if mark foley was reading my blog.........

this isn't my only viewer who has either entered or exited my blog via a porno site. one viewer entered via a political blog where i had left a comment. this same viewer stuck around for around 10 seconds before heading off for a porno site, likely disappointed i didn't have anything but words to offer.

i've had a few readers from d.c. if perhaps some are homeland security employees "just poking around" they were likely disappointed. i removed all potentially incriminating posts months ago. but just in case they are making an occasional visit, here's a carrot to dangle in front of their eyes: george bush is a giant poopiehead