Sorry, I cannot do that.

i've been posting about my job search experience the past few days on a local website. the responses have surprised me. most have basically said, in a nutshell, "shut up and accept things as they are." one poster even said, "you asked why you should accept things as they are. um, because that IS how things are." wow! what an amazing ability this person has in engaging in dialogue of depth. encore, encore.

shut up? sorry, i cannot do that.

i brought up several points for discussion, including the low wages, lack of benefits, employers who are more interested in skills (which can be taught) than they are in interest or personality, the ever-invasive use of drug testing (which is not reliable. some of the most dangerous and harmful drugs are out of the system within 72 hours) and the ever-elusive background check. no way will i agree to "whatever means necessary". tell me precisely what those means are and we can discuss it.

most shocking to me was being told the employment situation is not a two-way deal. wtf? what is it then? also surprising was being told i had no right to demand a thing of an employer.

baaa baaaaa baaaaa

in all seriousness, such responses are frightening and should scare the shit out of all prospective applicants. the forces-that-be have done their job in brainwashing a large lot of american slaves, er i mean workers.

the assumptions about me were equally amusing. it was assumed i was in my 20's. male. uneducated. and, weirdly enough, not capable of working as an independent contractor (who the hell knows how this assumption was comprised). i laughed as i said i was 40, female, college-educated and my current and previous position consisted of contract work.

anyway.............i am still apathetic to my employment situation. actually apathetic isn't the word. depressed doesn't even adaquately apply. how do i feel? hmmm. blank. maybe that word will suffice for now.

i am holding on to a grain of hope here. don't know if it's wishful, fantasy-like thinking or not. don't know if there is any chance this hope is based on any universal truth or principle. or possibility. but something in me has always known i need to work for myself. have my own organization. yes, i admit, i have a difficult time working for others, especially when there is a clash in values between myself and the boss. i once worked for an accounting firm. it was there that i learned there is indeed truth in stereotypes. cpa's, at least at this firm, are boring as hell and oh so uptight. i remember one of them told a joke and everyone but me was laughing hysterically. feigning a smile, i quietly walked away. although i do admit to feeling a sense of relief that they could actually laugh! it was the first time i had ever seen one such cpa smile! i also remember the time when one of the cpa's has given me his billing sheet. i noticed he had charged full price for helping his sister with her taxes. figuring this was an error, i brought it to his attention. gruffly he said "full price". i stood there by the side of his desk, hand on my heart. "but this is your sister. surely, you would at least consider offering her a discounted rate." the look he gave me made it clear he was indeed serious and i had better get my bleeding-heart ass out of his office.

back to this grain of hope. for some time now i have known there is a group of people i am "meant" to meet. this feeling, this knowing, won't go away. it's the same feeling i had when i was waiting for my husband to show up. i had absolutely no doubt he was out there looking for me. so i am very familiar with this feeling. these people i am meant to connect with......a group of like-minded folks. humanitarians. passionate, independent thinkers. maybe even those who feel a little like outcasts, perhaps some even having gone through similar experiences as have i. we are meant to meet and form an organization, non-profit most likely. an agency whose mission will include at least one of the following: seeing an end to poverty, homelessness, hunger; helping to create policies to redistribute the wealth; ending unnecessary suffering; conflict resolution and peacemaking. i can get jazzed up about any of these ideas. and something within me continues to say i am here to be a part of something to help heal our planet, ourselves, our world, starting with one person at a time. do i wait for this to happen? searching, thus far, has not brought me the desired results. i have shared my ideas with others, including many in my community. so far, no takers, just nods of encouragement and "good luck" smiles.

perhaps then i need to trust as i did with my spouse. i felt something would be happening. knew it. wanted it to the core of my being. got as clear as i could as to my intentions. then let it go, trusting it would return to me..........