Very Upsetting, Very Disappointing News

What If Productions, the production company I have raved about, the company I hooked up with earlier in the year and made several recordings of my music, has dissolved. Very sad, disappointing news in and of itself. However, what has me pissed the farm fuck off and I mean P S S E D is the fact that these two men failed to inform me of this news. I had to e-mail the audio engineer to find out. His reason for not telling me himself at the onset? He had ASSUMED my spouse had heard, for you see, the other partner is a customer of my spouses, so he assumped Mr. Nina had been told of the news and had then passed it along to me.

WRONG. First of all, Mr. Nina is under no obligation to be the one to inform me of such news. That is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY. And even if Mr. Nina had been told of this news, good lord, don't they see that to make themselves LOOK GOOD this news should still be coming DIRECTLY FROM THEM?! Without any prodding from me as well??!!

I would say the business didn't fail--THEY failed. They failed because they are flakes. They failed because this didn't mean as much as them as it should have. Hell, honestly, a couple of times I felt I had more enthusiasm than did they. Certainly more enthusiasm than the audio engineer.

I don't know what to make of any of this, or for my (professional) life for that matter at this point. Having recently lost my job, my intention was to work with them musically speaking, perhaps even doing other odd jobs for them as well when their pilot was launched and when they were up and running as a successful company. Now I realize that not every business succeeds, but jesus h. fucking christ, where is the consideration here?! I gotta say I feel backed into a corner, directionless, hurt, disappointed (extremely disappointed).

I have had too many similar situations in regards to my music in this area. Too many promises broken when it comes to my music and I have truly had it. Words are cheap and too many use them as pieces of toilet paper.

Anyway, a very disappointing situation. I am so fucking sad. My music, well, it's hard to put into words, but my music is probably my most special part of my life and who I am. It's such a part of my heart, of my being. In a sense, it's Me. I feel as though the guiding forces of the Universe have said, once again (this is certainly not the first disappointing news I've received when it comes to getting my material published), "No". And I don't get it. I really do not get it. At all. Maybe some day I will. Although as I have come to understand, the magic of the universe does work through us all, bringing us opportunities. After that, it's up to the people involved to continue that magical process. So ok... That's been my beef--it has been the PEOPLE fucking things up for me. ENOUGH!!!!!

I am fucking finished with the flakes. I want people to come into my life who will 1) keep their word, 2) believe in me and in what they do and 3) be respectful and considerate.


A Ramble Here...A Ramble There...

As I pull myself out of this snot-induced mental haze, here are some of the rambling thoughts seen and heard running through my brain...

Measure 50. Here in Oregon, we have on the ballot a measure that will increase the tax on cigarettes something like $.65. Not sure of the exact amount at this moment--just know it's slightly under a dollar. The dollars are to go towards paying for children's health insurance for approximately 100,000 uninsured little ones. In theory, of course, I am all for this idea. However, it's bad policy if you ask me. Number one, the revenue is not sustainable. How can the government hope to use this money to insure children and also use some of the revenue to reduce the number of smokers? Doesn't this mean a decline in tobacco revenue? I have yet to see this question answered. Number two, it's a regressive tax. The average smoker is middle to lower income. No need to go into further detail about how ridiculously unfair this is. Number three, it's simply unfair to tax a small percentage of the population to pay for universal health care. This needs to be something we as a whole help to ensure with a progressive tax, regulating the hell out of the insurance industry and/or making big business pair their fair share of taxes. I'm voting No.

Bush and Co's recent sanctions against Tehran. Insane. Inept. Psychotic. And yet, exactly what I've come to expect.

My employer. Sigh. Or shall I say my co-workers. I'm on temporary lay-off status, which is one part relief and one part discomfort. The discomfort is obvious. The relief, well, this means a reprieve from having to rely on any sort of normal communication with these folks. Talk about a frustrating experience. Things change there (for example: policies, location, department name, staff) and I am not informed until well after-the-fact. I've spoken up about this numerous times to no avail. E-mails go unanswered. Phone calls, not returned. I have grown tired of the crap. I asked the head of the department some tough questions a few days ago. For example, I wanted to know why if there was indeed no additional work, why does the staff website show there is abundant material available. The answer? The student worker has not updated the website due to being away for a summer internship. Sounds good in theory except for the fact that much of it has yet to be updated since March of this year. And student has been back for almost 2 months. What has the student been doing? Certainly not responding to my e-mails when I ask questions about work (and this is the person in which I am to be communicating). I also was able to check on the amount of work being done by some of the other workers (who are mostly students) and compared them to my own work. Turns out, overall, I am doing about twice the amount of work in the same amount of time. Upsetting to say the least, especially since I was told what was expected for this particular kind of work and I've been meeting and exceeding their expectations. Apparently if you're a student worker, you get cut some major slack?? While I have absolutely zero desire to look for work again in this town (considering I've applied to just about every employer who, when hiring, advertises), I have about the same amount of desire to continue working for this employer. It's time for a change.

There's supposed to be something going on today called a football game. All I know is that thousands of loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate, drunken fools permeate this fine little city on days like today. I think we should charge them a fee.

Speaking of fees, I have an idea that Mr. Nina thinks is great in theory but may get me in trouble. Whatever. Like I've always been one to follow the trail as already laid out? Hell no. I'm a trail blazer at heart. This goes along with my ever-growing desire to give the finger to the federal and perhaps even the state governments and focus on creating a local community that meets the needs of the people--where the most vulnerable are taken care of first and foremost. Yes, that means housing the homeless and feeding the hungry take precedence over lining the streets with flower baskets and putting sculptures all over downtown. Any sort of government is strictly run and monitored by the citizens. Nothing and I mean NOTHING is created or passed without voter approval. That being said, if I were on such a governmental committee, I would impose the idea that any business wishing to do business here in the city or county would be required to follow the values as laid out by the people. For starters, every employee would be paid a living wage (as defined by the cost of living in our city). I would also look into the antics of one Mr. Kip Schoning and if he is found guilty of, in short, being a slumlord, he would be given the option of cleaning up his ways or leaving town. I have had so many hits on this website by viewers who have googled "kip schoning". As the local housing authority gentleman told me during a phone call a few months ago, in discussing Mr. S, "the stories I could tell you..." and he left it at that. There's a reason Mr. S. is allowed to do business in this town and it's about money. And that, in fact, drives the system, even down to our little community, where corruption still resides. But it doesn't have to be that way. Change the world by changing your community. That's my motto of the day.

Tissue sure does come in handy, even if it does mean trees are destroyed. I cannot imagine having to rely on cloth rags to do the job when faced with the revenge of the snot kingdom. Sometimes, when sick and nasally incapacitated, it's easiest to use something disposable and toss it away before the germs have the chance to multiply in the laundry basket into something even more disgusting.

Achoo to you and yours...


F U AOL (amongst others)

Rather pissy today. Yesterday was the first day in weeks I finally felt purely healthy, back on my feet, you know the deal. This morning? Woke up with a cold virus Mr. Nina brought home. That's what happens when you're married or partnered up--you tend to share everything.

When I'm (again!!) mended and feeling well, I'm getting the hell away from AOL and going to a local ISP. I had 3 phone calls yesterday from their "tech support" department. These supposed "technical experts" had me doing things to my computer that only fucked it up even more. Instead of one issue, I suddenly had 3. Their brilliant suggestion? Uninstall and reinstall, which is the techno geeks real way of saying "haven't a clue what to do or what's wrong". No fucking way, I said, was I going to do that. And besides, I don't have the software. That's ok, I was told, just go to Walmart. Uh, don't have one of those (thank god) in my town, says I. Well then call around until you find one, I was told.

Uh, no. How about you send me a disc in the mail, says I (knowing full well though that I wasn't about to use it, knowing full well I was done with their controlling virus-infested software). Nope, we don't do that any longer.

You've got to be kidding, I said. What if I can't find a local store that carries your disc?

I don't know what to tell you, I was told by the brilliant techie.

Fuck you, AOL. You've lost (another) customer.

Another "fuck you"? Blockbuster. I blogged about these folks a month or two ago, about how they're raising their prices and eliminating some of their "perks" on their monthly internet rental plans. Their service is deplorable. Their selection, dismal. I've been waiting for Whose Afraid of Virginia Wolf for 4 months now, even though in my queue it shows it being available. I've had 3 different customer services reps tell me they will locate it at another warehouse and ship it. Never happened. We're switching back to Netflix at weeks end.

Ordered some items yesterday from a fairly large company. First time doing so, and it will be my last. Customer service rep was surprisingly rude and snide and only raised the bar on her attitude when I said I didn't want to hear about their sales promotions, just wanted the items I had ordered. She gave a rude "thank you" and hung up on me. Fuck you. Won't be returning to your company.

Also had more religious visitors, Mormons. I am always polite and respectful to them. They're only kids afterall who have been brainwashed since birth. I feel for them. Anyway, I've decided to type up a list of my beliefs and hand it off to them (and to other such visitors). They come onto my property and ignore the "No Solicitors" signs. I don't ask for such visits. It's time I let them know of my beliefs, since that's what they are doing to me. I'll also include a list of questions for them to ask their Church Leaders, all in the hopes it will spark something within these youngsters to think for themselves, to see how manipulated, unintentionally or not, they have been. I give a blessing to these kids--but I give an F U to the church leaders, at least until they own up to their real intentions.

And lastly, an F U to people who are sick but go out in the world anyway, sneezing all over the place, spreading their germs and viruses for all. If you are sick and IF you can afford it or have sick pay, STAY HOME. Please.



I am finding fun, relaxation and joy by:

~Listening to one of my gospel cd's.

~Playing a video game. Mr. N bought a gaming system and he's been bugging me to "play it, try it out, play it!" Now I admit I was a video game addict when I was in high school, back in the days when there were no video game ratings, back in the days, as I like to say, when "video games didn't make you want to invoke violence on others." YOu know what I mean, the good ole days. Ms. Pac Man, Centipede, Frogger, Tempestt, Asteroids, Donkey Kong, Pull Position...........sigh But that was 20 years ago and I haven't done any "gaming" since... Until today, when I finally decided to try one of these modern games. Non-violent one, I might add. Harry Potter game. These games that show blood, these games that are disgustingly, offensively violent, no thank you. Besides the violence, there's too much stimulation for my fairly simple, sweet brain. Anyway, WOW! What a fun time I had! Apparently I got too animated, for Mr. N asked me to "please keep it down" and "ouch, that's my ear you're yelling into". Woops. Next move: Buy one of those collection of old-time video arcade games.

~Watching the leaves fall by the bucket. I gave up sweeping and decided to just let mother nature do the job herself with the wind, and after realizing I was wasting my effort. With the fairly mild breeze we had today and the dry conditions, feeling leaves fall on my head and face was very enjoyably relaxing.

~Sleeping. Been doing a lot of that the past month. I should rephrase that to "sleeping like a baby".




When life throws you a curve ball, it can force you to focus on what really matters. When you're faced with a health-related situation, even a temporary, fairly mild one, it can make you retreat from the world at large and remember what really matters.

For the past several weeks, I have been, by and large, completely and utterly uninterested in all things political, social, economic. And by and large, I haven't missed being "out of the loop".

The health and happiness of myself, of Mr. Nina, matter to me more than anything. I can find true gratitude in moments of simply being. Certainly moments of feeling well and healthy. God, how easy it is to take feeling well for granted! We only have the one body. Take care of it every day--mind, body and soul.

I've been thinking about the powers-that-be, those who have essentially created the current System by which we all work in, live by. And yeah, it's (mostly) run by criminals, thugs, people without souls (or likely forgotten they have one). It's lead by people who think money and power are more important than kindness and love. But I've been having this growing feeling of "ok, and?" These folks, through advertisers, through our schools and on into our communities and even our families, have convinced us of some things: "Live like THIS to be happy!"

Oh really?

Yeah, I don't make the kind of money I'd like, I have yet to find what kind of life work I am to create, and I have yet to own my own home (all things "associated" with "the american dream")....and while I have every intention of changing all of the aforementioned, I'm tired of thinking along the lines of "I'll finally be happy, feel good, when I achieve X Y and Z." Maybe the American Dream need be about simply being H A P P Y.

This is a small example, but I think about the cell phone. I saw something on PBS tonight where the journalist mentioned something about the people she spoke with claimed to never be without their phones, how much they believe they need them. I know of a few people, young and old, who, if you took away their cell phone, would go through a mini-breakdown. When I have seen this happen on some of the talk shows, I can't help but laugh and think, "You'll be just fine."

It's all perspective. What we think we need. What we think we must have to feel good, to be happy. Today, to me, that is good health, the company of people I enjoy--love of self and others. Appreciating the so-called little things which are in truth the BIG things.

Yes, I am beginning to finally see, to finally believe, I can be happy NOW. Today. And not just one of those moments of happiness, but truly happy with who I am right now. Even in spite of what's going on out in the world at large. I recall once reading the following: Fall in love with everything in your life and you will not want or need for anything.

Maybe that's what is finally going on inside of this little heart and soul of mine. Maybe it's expanding. Or maybe she's just remembering who she really is again. Maybe I'll finally really know and live this thing called love before I leave this earthly plane. It's probably the "best" goal I could ever accomplish.


"No one who works for a living should live in poverty."

...As quoted in one of the following articles/discussion pieces I found on wages whilst doing some net surfing. According to what I read, the federal minimum wage should be closer to $9.50/hour. Sounds about right. If government had done it's job (worked for the people), they would have been working to ensure the minimum wage continued to keep pace with inflation. 1968 was the last time the minimum wage was just above the poverty level. History shows us raising the minimum wage doesn't hurt business. In fact, job creation typically increases upon such increases. I did note something of interest on a PDF chart: during the (disasterous) years of Bush Sr. and Reagan, the minimum wage remained stagnate. No surprise there, eh?

Uncle Sam continually gives itself pay raises. Uncle Sam gladly receives the best health care plan in town. All at our expense.

And there are still private citizens who vocally resist the concepts of government-funded health care for all and raising the minimum wage so that it once again becomes a true living wage and yet don't say a damn thing about the privileges Uncle Sam bestows upon itself, at our expense?

Unbelieve. They gotta be in bed with Uncle Sam as well. Or else utterly asleep at the wheel. Zzzzz...

Happy reading.





Drinking Juice Is Bad. Taking Pharmaceutical Drugs Is Good.

This is a rather lengthy piece. And it contains, in my opinion, a little too much wackiness (one must consider the site), but overall it shows the growing move by Government to downplay (which is putting it mildly) the benefits of alternative health care means. The fear is growing. These methods can be very beneficial and are only becoming more popular here in the states and Big Government/Big Pharmaceutical folks know it. And they are determined to take away our right to choose while they force their overly-priced, addictive, toxic drugs down our throats.

While in this particular story the patient (sadly) ended up dying of cancer anyway, despite using a juice therapy method, the point is this therapy WAS HIS CHOICE and now his wife, understandably distressed, experiencing deep levels of grief and sadness, wants to press charges against the pharmacist who recommended this therapy, not as a means of REPLACING chemotherapy, but as a supplemental method. And now there are folks who are jumping on this bandwagon to downplay alternative means of health and healing.

I've been researching alternative means of health and healing for over 10 years. I've read countless books and tried a host of things ranging from herbal supplements, massage (my personal favorite--if you can afford a weekly one, I highly recommend it!), chiropractice care, homeopathy to name a few. I've learned that just because it's something you can buy OTC does not mean it will work for you or that it is even safe for your particular body chemistry. You have to do your research and then, in the end, it's a trial and error process.

Some methods have worked, others have not. So be it. I have experienced the same thing with more traditional methods. For example, OTC anti-histamines and decongestants don't do a thing for my nasal symptoms. One type knock me flat on my ass. Another make me feel looped up. Neither a fun experience.

I had an experience earlier in the year where I needed to undergo a medical procedure. My doctor wanted to pump me full of narcotics and anti-anxiety medications. All very toxic. I took the prescriptions and said nothing. Instead, I used focused concentration, deep-breathing, ibuprofen and kava. I did just fine. Both she and her nurse were surprised when I told them I didn't take their prescriptions and instead, what I opted to do. I even gave them a mini-education on the benefits of certain herbal products, which of course are still "drugs" in their own right, but the side effects are often much less toxic and certainly, they are not addictive. Many even have health benefits.

There have been measures taken by our representatives (on both sides of the political fence) to take away our right to buy such supplements. It's of course ridiculous that there is outcry over herbal remedies and vitamin supplements that have been used for hundreds, at times thousands of years, in other countries and amongst the native populations, and yet the FDA continually approves medications that have been linked to serious health consequences, even death. And as in the above referenced story, this outrage is over JUICE. Yes, juice! Quick! I better throw away my cranberry juice collection. And woops, that orange juice carton looks like it can be a real threat to my health. Good lord...

I recently watched a couple of recently-approved medications advertise on tv. One medication is used to treat nasal allergy symptoms. One of the possible side effects? Eh, just glaucoma. No biggie. Yep, our product will clear up your nose, but it may cause you to go blind. Another medication (its use I cannot recall) said something along the lines of "leading to a potential fatal result". Oh come on, call a spade a spade people. Use this and you may die.

I recall 10, 20 years ago, the side effects from medications was pretty short. Today? They could fill a novella. Aside from car commericals, pharmaceutical drug ads take up more time and space on television and in most magazines. I recently ripped out all of the drug ads from a particular magazine and mailed them to the publisher. If we began doing this, you'd see these ads decline dramatically.

I believe in the right to choose. If people want to take pharmaceutical medications, go right ahead. They certainly have their place. If people want to choose more "alternative" means such as herbal remedies, homeopathy, food diets, massage, chiropractic care, etc., then by all means go ahead. Bottom line, it should be a choice. And as Uncle Sam continues to take away other rights, they are now wanting to take away this right to choose our health care choices as well. It's insane. Rediculous. Without merit. And yet that's how certain people respond when faced with the possibility that the dollars in their pockets face the idea of shrinkage because of competition.

Wow. And here I thought these Big Business types whole-heartedly supported a free market.

Saturday Ramblings on Love

I've been thinking about love, how it plays out in our human connections, in the System, as I call it. Also been thinking about the presidential elections. I'll likely not vote next year. I don't think fixing our federal government is the solution to our nations issues. At this point, they all sound so much the same. Even Kucinich has lost me. Something very false to me these days about the way he smiles when he talks. Something in his eyes says "deceipt" (perhaps it's fatigue from repeating the same things over and over and over...).

I think the answer lies in creating local communities that reflect the values and needs of the community and working with the local government to set forth policies that reflect those values, those needs. It's like the saying--think globally, act locally. I look to my own community in particular. Certainly we need more affordable housing. More help for the homeless, the hungry, the mentally ill. We need a business community that embraces paying its employees living wages and benefits.

Love. What is it? I don't think anyone really knows for sure, but I'm positive we each have some inkling of what it is. Certainly we know what it isn't. We come into this world trusting, open (or as we in western civilization would refer to as "naive"). I remember hearing in a movie once, 25 years ago, that when you become an adult, your heart dies. That's always stayed with me. While it's a rather dramatic, pessimistic description, it has a lot of truth in it. Love is all our souls know, is all our human self needs. And yet being Love is in short supply in our modern world, being we're taught to live in fear, to believe it's better to be tough than it is soft, to believe we're, by and large, powerless and at the mercy of others decisions, that removes us from that state of love. There is nothing more frightening to me than having the thought: "I am powerless." Love is powerful. Fear is what's powerless.

Damn. I should have written down my thoughts on this subject when I figure had them at 6am this morning, lying in bed. Much more eloquent and descript then.

I guess the best thing to do is Know Thyself. Ask "what would the love that is Me do?" Love in action. It's courageous. Bold. Accepting. Respectful. Compassionate. Understanding. Flexible when it need be, unwavering when it need be.

We keep that love to ourselves, out of pain and fear. Pain because of those times we've been disappointed and betrayed by others and yet, instead of being taught to speak up for ourselves, instead of being taught how to work through those complex emotions, how to express them and remain strong in who we are at the same time, we're told to suck it up. That's life, we're told. This leads to fear. Fear because we somehow believe love is in short supply. Fear because we don't believe we can deal with another hurt, another betrayal. All of these mindsets, places of powerlessness. So this leads to a society of extremes: the rugged, tough, no-tears cowboy-type of behavior/mindset and the timid victim. NEITHER of these mindsets embraces the true concepts of personal power.

Love tells you exactly how it feels, thinks and believes without apology. Love tells you exactly what it believes, feels and thinks without thinking its mindset is better than yours.

Imagine if this were played out in our daily interactions with others, known and unknown. I can. Can you?