I've been having these itching fits all over my body lately. My hands, legs, back, neck. It isn't just about a body saying "itch me" but rather, a mind saying STOP THIS FUCKING INSANITY I NEED SOMETHING DIFFERENT TODAY. NOW. N O W. I am irritated, both inside and out.
I hide this state of mind and emotion most of the time, usually with a smile and a calm outer demeanor. However, within, I am a churning storm of thoughts and emotions that have simply become overwhelmed with the system and the braindead idiotic sheep-like mentality that exists. As such, I feel this deep loneliness and this utter lack of connection despite trying to convince myself 'we're all connected'. At some level, yes that is likely true. However, at the human level and all of this bullshit human stupidity being played out, no. I do not feel a connection to any of it.
My ideas are out there. Way out there. This past week I've been presenting the concept of a society that isn't focused on money but rather, on the well-being of the people and when that is employed, the well-being of the planet naturally follows. While there has been some interest, overall the opinion has been "money is here to stay".
One person asked me "would this idea be forced on us?" I just looked at her, wondering why she would say such a thing given the current system is forced on us. When I said "no of course not" she said "ok, whew!" and laughed. It was then that I said "even if it was, how would that differ than what is forced on us today?" She just looked at me.
D U H.
I don't know. I know I'm hard on people at times. I'm hard on myself. I've longed for something new since I was a child. Even as a little girl I hated money. I hated the focus it received. I hated that it was more important than I was. I despised the stress it created in my own home, causing unnecessary disharmony. I hated war. I couldn't understand the desire to want to control a person to the extent that picking up a weapon and threatening their demise lest they comply.
All over pieces of fucking green paper with ink and numbers. Completely worthless in and of itself. And yet worshipped and given more importance, more credence, more value than the heart, mind and soul of a person, an animal, a planet. This disease is within every one of us to varying degrees.
Today, while I still don't understand the previous (despite understanding the conditions that create such dysfunctional thought), more than anything what I do not understand is this on-going need to support what is. Oh sure there's talk about growing more of our own food and developing more alternative forms of powering our lives, all of which are wonderful. And yet, there's still this worship of money.
Yesterday I was reading one of those new age fluffy newspapers. Mr. N brought it home and so I thought to browse through it. I used to eat this shit up until something in me said these folks were missing half the boat. In one piece I read, Caroline Myss was speaking of our sense of entitlement, how we all have this belief that we are entitled to the big home and all of that stuff. How we live in fear of lack. And yet she stopped short of actually diving into this issue further (these folks are famous for this). She failed to talk about the need for something different--a system where money is not at the heart but rather, the heart of the people is. She's still behind the support of an ancient, archaic system that creates the very lack she claims is all in our heads! It isn't just our thoughts doing this! WHY DO THESE PEOPLE FAIL TO SEE THIS? Why likely if they were to see this, their big-name for-profit money whoring publishing companies would stop supporting them. 'Tis why today I think "take that starry-eyed fluffy phoniness and shove it".
Love for all. Spiritual awakenings. MY ASS. Ain't gonna happen as long as money is at the center of our lives.
So today I now ask myself, what do I want to do? Where do I find such a place already in existance? I don't have the mental energy to invest into trying to convince others of such a society. I've simply had this feeling for about 40 years now that has said: "this place is fucked up. i want something different. i need something different."
Today I know, more and more, I can't fake it anymore.