Have you ever had a dream where a deceased relative (or friend, animal companion, etc.) visited you? I've had many throughout my life. Tonight, I recalled one I had last year, where my grandpa visited me. At the time, I had been experiencing a bothersome emotional state, where I realized I was angry with my grandpa for his part in raising my mother to dismiss "negative" emotional states. My mom's great when you're happy. But sad, angry, depressed and other such "negative" states? Forget it. This has made it difficult to bond with her, difficult to share certain experiences, difficult at times to even trust her. In trying to forgive my mother, I took a look at her childhood in an attempt to figure out where she learned this in order that I may empathize through this understanding. In my search, I realized it was largely due to her parents. Well, being my grandmother is still alive and is not the type to discuss such things, I decided to do some cosmic venting to my grandpa who died when I was a teenager. I yelled out to him: "I'm so angry with you for not showing mom that it's OK to be angry or sad or upset or depressed or afraid! This had a real effect on me, causing me a lot of unnecessary pain!" I really let myself go with the feelings I was experiencing. After this little bit of cosmic venting, I let it go.
A few weeks later, I had the dream. I was in a barn, up in the rafters. Grandpa was a farmer during much of his early adult life, so a barn seemed to be a good setting. I recall thinking "this is weird. I've never visited a barn in my dreamstate before!" Not knowing what to expect, I simply sat still, waiting, until I looked up and there was grandpa, in one of his typical dress attire's I had seen him in as a child: work pants and a heavy flannel shirt. He was carrying a rake, which he put down as he stopped in front of me. I looked at him with excitement and smiled. I always love seeing him in my dreams. I've missed him very much since his death some 25 years ago. I was going to say something but he spoke first.
"I'm so sorry honey. I should have done better. I could have done better. I'm so sorry what I did caused you pain!" He looked me in the eyes as he spoke. A single tear ran down his cheek. Well, at that, I burst into tears and we embraced.
"It's ok grandpa. It's really ok. I understand. I'm sorry I got so angry with you!" I said.
Forgiveness is a beautiful experience, the ultimate healer, no matter what state of mind one is in.
We held each other for, well, what seemed to be a long time in dreamland. He then pulled away, looked at me and smiled. It was then that I woke up, a sharp feeling of pain and longing in my heart, my eyes still wet from having cried. My tears, obviously shed in this dimension as well.
I miss you, grampy.