Today

I don't normally do this. But today, I am.

Today was a fucking lousy day. Frustrating as hell. And a reminder that hey, when it comes to me trying to record some fucking music for some fucking god damn holiday gifts, I am alone in trying to fucking learn how to do this.

So I read. And re-read. Then went to record. Hours I spent. First I hook up the USB cable from the piano to the computer. I go back to my keyboard manual and try to find SOMETHING that tells me what to do once I've done this. Nothing. Not a god damn thing. Just essentially says "hook it up". Uh yeah and NEXT I do WHAT????

Nothing shows up on my computer that says "houston we've got a keyboard hooked up". "Houston we are ready to upload some files." Just that little "kachung" noise it makes when hooking up external hardware equipment.

One word of note: I am not tech saavy. AT ALL. You either are or are not. I don't learn these things well on my own, IF at all. And yet finding someone who IS tech saavy who can just be kind and generous and offer to help you out for no cost is, well you know. People don't do a thing for free anymore. If I am told ONE MORE TIME to "RTFM" (read the fucking manual) I am going to intentionally cause myself to vomit on the person's face.

So here I am thinking "wtf"?

So I decide to call Yamaha (keyboard dealer).

They're closed for the day.

Great.

So I think about it and decide "screw this". I'll just load up the recorded material onto my jump drive.

Which I do.

All goes well.

I then upload it all onto the computer and dump it on a blank CD.

All still going well.

That is until I actually played it. The piano only pieces sound wonderful. However, the pieces with piano AND drum sound awful. The drum sounds like someone is scratching nails on a chalkboard. WTF?? It doesn't sound this way when played on my Yamaha at all.

I've spent 2 hours online researching this and have come up empty handed. I try looking up things on recording and faulty jump drives. NADA.

Apparently I am the only damn person on this hell hole who has ever had this problem.

Also up my ass today is a friend who is, for the millionth time, suicidal. Suicidal people are the most selfish you will find. So focused on their own lives and suffering, they can't--they won't--find it in their hearts to let you know how they are. Silence is what you get. What I'm getting. She has reasons to dismiss all of my suggestions. So what do I say? Fine. Go ahead. Do it.

Hearing someone say "I hate my life I want to die" over and over again wears on you. Don't these people GET that? I've dealt with the desire of wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up. I battle with it some days. But I do not spread this little information to those around me over and over and over again. Why? Uh, because, my selfishness doesn't bypass into the category of insanity and I happen to THINK about the feelings of others and about what I say even when I am at my most low.

Calling one of those suicide hotlines or shelters is a waste of time. My friend's in a horrible relationship, has health problems that interfere with her ability to work, certainly full time, no car and no family support. In a nutshell, she's on her own, no place to go, no place to live. Hotlines just gives you someone to talk to and talk isn't usually what these people need. Shelter's offer temporary housing. So while I have anger and frustration and pain aimed at her, I have even more for this fucked up system of ours.

In a loving system, such folks would have a place to go stay and HEAL and recooperate before they're told "Get your ass out into the world and support yourself. We'll let you stay here for a few weeks." In a loving system, money wouldn't ever ever be an issue for such folks.

It breaks my heart. And it enrages me.

Our local shelter/agency, CARDV, SUCKS. I know one of their former counselor's and she said it was the most unhealthy, dysfunctional agency she had ever worked for. A friend of mine went there a few years ago seeking advice and help. Her experience was deplorable. She became so disgusted she walked out. They have a very high staff turnover. That speaks volumes right there about an agency. Community Outreach also has a very high staff turnover. A former friend once worked there and had similar things to say about the place.

Also on my mind is my DESIRE to help people in need by landing employment at one of these god damn agencies. Something I've sought to do off and on for close to 15 years. And with each god damn attempt, I'm told "no". Why? Experience. I don't have it. Education, yep. Experience IN such an agency? Nope.

Well excuse me you fucking pious assholes, but how in the FUCK am I supposed to GET experience if no one will hire me? And.......perhaps the fact that your agencies have a HIGH TURNOVER and the fact that you ONLY higher people with experience, doesn't that mean perhaps you should open yourselves up to those like me who HAVE the education AND the desire and passion and REAL WORLD EXPERIENCE?

A social worker once told me I was too idealistic and passionate to work in the field. WTF? Slap me in the face, why don'tcha. She was serious. She herself was idealistic and passionate but she said these qualities got her into more trouble with co-workers and management. The "help the people" system, private and public, is broken. It is (by and large) run by burned out, broken people who follow too many god damn rules instead of listening to the needs of the clients and fighting within to change the system. And hell, here in this town, to work at such an agency, if you are female, you often have to be fat, over 50 and have some sort of strange body odor.

I have had a couple of interviews though. On one such occasion, after such an interview with Community Outreach, I was told I came in 1st for personality match and 2nd for skills.

That's right. C.O. went for the one with the skills over personality.

Apparently these dumb fucks don't realize SKILLS can be taught and thus learned but PERSONALITY fits cannot.

So there you have it. A multi-faceted insight to my inner dialogue, which on the one hand feels way too stupid to be a part of this system and on the other hand, feels way too wise brilliant and wonderful to be a part of this same system.