A friend of mine and I have this saying. When one of us has felt the need to vent, the other says "puke it out". I did just that this morning. Literally. From 6am on I was praising the porcelain goddess and waste basket when the trip to the bathroom just wasn't gonna work.
It felt like a metaphoric purge. This wasn't some little stomach virus or the result of eating spicy food. One or both may have triggered it, but certainly neither was the cause. Nope. The cause of this was pent up frustration. Not only was my stomach on fire, but my skin, my pores seemed to burn with anger and pain. Now of course no one likes to puke, least of all me and given I can count on one hand the number of times I've had this little experience, today was a first.
As I hugged the waste can in bed, inside I screamed. I cried. No more, I kept saying to myself. No more. No more news about war, the economy, job loss, foreclosures. No more stupid things being done to one another and to our planet. No more lies. No more labels. No more finger-pointing. No more talk about trying to save this pathetic, lame, archaic, totally UNFAIR and UNJUST economic system. No more talk about money. No more thinking about money. No more competition. No more of this pressure to PRODUCE PRODUCE PRODUCE PROVE PROVE PROVE WORK WORK WORK DO DO DO. No more of this pressure to BE someone by DOING. No more of having to prove yourself worthy to get x y or z. No more of the religious crap whose primary purpose serves to further divide, giving a select group a certain arrogance/I-am-better-than-you whilst wearing the "Because That's What The Bible Says" crown. That same arrogance being found in the political parties, in those who place importance on lame job titles, incomes, fat cat portfolios and the size of their fucking homes. It can be found in those who are mass consumers and those who live off the grid (surprisingly, saw that example tonight).
No more of this bullshit mantra out in the world and in my mind that tells me--that tells us--I am not good enough, I am worthless, I am lazy, I am a no one, I am stupid, I am naive (if you're on the fringe in any way, if you grew up with church talk, if you grew up molded by the public school system, if you grew up around ANY typical western thinking individuals you carry at least one of these lying mindsets).
I pounded on that waste can. My body hurled as I clutched the sides. I trembled.
I heard the words of my friend. "Puke it out. Puke it out."
And then it stopped. My stomach settled down. The voice of pain in my head did the same.
Behind all of this release was the voice of a very very tired, weary soul who could only muster up a small whisper: It doesn't have to be this way.
It doesn't have to be this way.