a leak in the housing bubble here in benton county

a visit to foreclosures.com shows there may, at least, finally be a noticable leak in the housing bubble. housing in benton county, in particular corvallis, is so obscenely over-priced. i first visited the foreclosure website around 4 years ago. at that time, there was only a couple of foreclosures in corvallis and one in philomath. today? 14. 26 more are in preforeclosure status. one of the sufferers? kip schoning, local real estate mogul turned slumlord. ah, karma is a beautiful thing, ain't it? if you see a property with a red door and a for rent sign, run as fast as you can, far far away. my spouse and i have checked out several of these properties in the past when we have been in the market for a home to rent. we walked away from each property, laughing. NO THANK YOU in one of the homes, the floor actually slanted. i remember thinking how in the hell can this be legal to rent?

while a part of me doesn't wish to see people lose their homes, the part of me that longs to own a home of my own and is oh so tired of being pissed as hell that despite both my spouse and i working we are not able to afford one, well, i want to see something change. i want to see the bubble burst (or at least spring a leak) and home prices brought back down to where they should have remained--keeping up with inflation. i know that would mean a lot of financial suffering for many, but hell, that has been my life for long enough. if people have to deal with loss so that folks like myself and my spouse can finally get into a home of our own, then so be it. i've been screaming for years my ideas on sharing the wealth, my thoughts about balance and how economies collapse when they are out of balance for so long. who has listened? certainly no one of real importance (to the world that is).

one day, perhaps very soon, people will remember my words and they will say "maybe she had a point. maybe we should have listened to her."

a modicum of hope for the MSM

ok, so it's a local news station. hope is hope i figure. i have no link for this given i just witnessed it on tv less than 15 minutes ago. eugene's KMTR news station aired a report on this evening's 5pm broadcast about the x-ray scanning machine at the arizona airport--the one that gives screeners an intimate view of what's underneath our clothing. renee mccullough, one of the news anchors, was covering the piece and added that two other airports were considering adding this technology sometime in the upcoming year. i don't recall what the other two airports are as i wasn't paying close attention. however, what she added at the end prompted me into alert mode. she said, "well, that is three places i won't be traveling to this year." wow. a sign of defiance. it's about time. "rock on sister!" i said to the tv screen, raising a saluted fist into the air as a sign of solidarity.

the look on her face was a combination of "woops" and "darn right". her co-anchor smiled as well in a way that said "yep, she said it allright" and "ok what do we do next".

if we all say "no" to traveling to airports that use this invasive means of looking for box cutters, etc., they will have no choice but to listen to us. start a new trend. "if you wish to view my private cohorts, i won't be passing through your airports."

oregon sen. gordon smith's staff have two grandma's arrested

check it out.

little bit o' this, little bit o' that........as heard on talk radio

i haven't listened to talk radio in years. i used to listen to it at a former place of employment to pass the time. lately, given the tedious and boring nature of my current job, i realized i needed some outside distraction to make the time pass quicker. thus i began listening to talk radio again. i was hoping for more progressive or at least more balanced talk. i searched and searched. not even npr could enlighten or soothe me........ if it's possible, these freaks have become even more ridiculous in their babbling barrage of bullshit.

1) john edwards came out today and announced israel is the greatest threat to world peace. according to michael savage, anyone who supports that position is an anti-semite. did you know that? i'm jewish (by blood only) and while i can't quite say if they are THE greatest threat, they certainly don't score any bonus points for peace with me. (i'm not a fan of john edwards but i am silently cheering him for having the balls to bring the other side of middle east politics to light.)

2) rush limbaugh has been nominated for a nobel peace prize. i know, i know. are you peeing your pants yet from hysterical bursts of laughter? i haven't heard yet for what and that continues to be my question. i'm thinking it's a public relations ploy. if anything, it gives me a good case of the giggles whenever i hear him plug the news. the day rush is a nobel peace prize winner is the day i convert to his brilliant political philosophy.

3) our own albany/corvallis company morse bros. is changing its name to "knife river". (check on the spelling if you wish. i'm too lazy.) knife river is a mega corporation based out of north dakota. they currently "own" (a polite term for "sleazy takeover") 60 other companies. they have owned morse. bros. for the past 9 years, but for some reason, are only now deciding to change the name. why? well according to morse bros. it is to "better serve our customers". ok and how many people are going to buy that with a smile and a nod? watch out all vendors and customers of morse. bros. things are about ready to go even more corporate on your watch and dollar.

4) our brilliant oregon legislatures have decided not to pass legislation making it a traffic offense to talk on the cell phone whilst driving. instead, they decided on a bill that said police may ticket a driver if they are noticeably distracted as a result of talking on their cell phone. now see, the thing is, police can already ticket a motorist for showing signs of being distracted whilst driving, irregardless of what the driver's chosen "distracting" activity is. no way will this change the behavior of stupid ass motorists who "think" they can drive and talk at the same time. while i dislike government intrusion, after having experienced numerous near-miss collisions myself and having witnessed numerous near-miss collisions not to mention the numerous times i have seen people run red lights and stop signs, all resulting from people driving and talking, i was in strong support of ticketing these morons.

5) and once again, the people in the state of oregon are crying how we need more money, more taxes raised, for our children, our schools. give me a break. tax the corporations at the level they deserve to be and you'll have your funding. until then, quit expecting your neighbors to cough it up. start running the schools like any other business and STOP running it like a beaucratic governmental nightmare that it is. lookit the truth, people. and speak up about it. this ongoing whine of "we need more money" has yet to fix the fiasco of public education. i had the privilege to speak with and interview the former assistant superintendent of corvallis public schools a few years ago when i was a freelance writer for a local publication. also sitting in on the meeting was someone from accounting. i was shown a chart. 85 cents for every dollar given to education goes to teacher's salaries and benefits. that's right. EIGHTY-FIVE CENTS. that means a whopping 15 cents goes to our kids. a large part of the problem was, if you haven't already guessed, the huge increase in health insurance coverage.

6) lots of backlash aimed at and against illegal immigrants that is, in my opinion, misguided. lets throw it where it belongs... on the employers who hire these folks... on government officials, who now brilliantly are discussing whether to give these folks social security and workers comp. benefits. but of course what the people don't want to see, or won't see, or can't see because they're too glued to the babble that comes out of the mouths of the MSM and talk radio garbage, is that our government obviously wants these people infiltrating into our country. there's money to be made from hiring an illegal. big biz and uncle sam know that and thus, will allow it to continue. just follow the money and you'll find the answers. and given the upcoming North American Union, a beautiful marriage of america, canada and mexico, we will only see more of the same.

6) did you know that america is going to hell quickly, in large part, because gays and lesbians are allowed to continue living together and are allowed to adopt? i did not know that. dang. and here i foolishly thought it was due to government corruption and big business greed. whew. at least now i know who to blame. ranting about uncle sam and his mistress big "bosom" biz was getting very tiring!

workin' for a living......

i'm ready for a revolution. let's do it. i'm sick of slaving away for a pitiful wage. i'm especially sick of working for a wealthy university who will not pay me a living wage. i have realized a growing apathy with the work i perform. even though my work benefits and helps the disabled student, i'm tired of working the hours i do only to see the reality of my meager paycheck.

this all hit me like a brick wall recently as i added up my hours. my job has finally, after sticking it out for over a year, turned into the kind of job i was told it would in terms of hours. as i excitedly added up my hours i multiplied them by my hourly rate. my excitement was quickly deflated as i saw the amount. i worked this fucking hard for this many hours and this is all i am going to have to show for it? what's frustrating is that if i were doing this same kind of work for say the forestry or engineering departments, my pay would be double what it is. it's all on what we value and that is money and what stands a better chance of bringing in money to the glorified university: science and technology departments or disability services.

i worked under the table yesterday for someone i know who owns a flower shop. i delivered a lot of beautiful flower arrangements in some big ass (and heavy!) vases yesterday. and again, considering the hours i worked and the type of work i was doing (you try loading and unloading a massive arrangement of exotic flowers out of a small sedan), when i added up the amount i would be receiving, i felt deflated. apathetic. the amount of money people in this town spent alone on flowers was in a way, a bit sickening. i felt like a hypocrite passing the old man on the street, hauling his collection of aluminum cans as i delivered my arrangement of flowers to the next unsuspecting customer. that $50 could have provided that man with 2 weeks worth of food.

that's the kinds of things i think about. and it is that kind of thinking that has prompted my spouse and i to stop honoring the retail frenzy holidays. yesterday was the first valentines day that we didn't spend a dime on each other (not that we have a dime to spend on one another this year). in a way it felt strange, but it also felt empowering. it's just one more moment in our awakening, where we realize living life on autopilot and following the crowd isn't what it's cracked up to be. we are more the types to think "ok so that is how things are. it sucks. how can things be better?"

working for a living is certainly at the top of our agenda. how can we create an income that provides us what we need and desire plus doesn't hurt our bodies in the process. (my spouses position requires a lot of lifting, bending, stooping and standing on hard surfaces. my position requires a lot of repetitive movement with a mouse. both of us deal with physical problems as a result.) i certainly don't buy into the 40 hour work week. i never have. it's a ridiculous amount of time to put into something that most of us don't particularly enjoy, taking us away from the very people we have chosen to be with, the very people with whome we would much prefer to be spending the bulk of our time. give me 20 hours a week doing something i love that pays me what i desire and determine i am worthy of. people have a problem with that concept though. i cannot tell you how many times i have been told i am lazy or demanding and my very favorite, "but nina, that isn't how things are." as though the "how things are" is some rule forever cast in stone, never to be touched. please. it's all simply what people have created it to be. and as i always say (to the annoyance of some), "we can create something new together if we really want."

i ask myself "why did i come here? what is my purpose?" quite often these days. while i am not a religious person, i do believe we go on to a different level of existance. i believe in freedom of choice in this "afterworld" and i believe i made the choice to come here as i did (although i have come to believe i am always in a state of "evolvement" and as such was under some real illusions as to my full potential even in this afterworld including the concepts of reincarnation and karma). now the questions have become "WHY?" and "what am i here to do?" i don't know yet but i hope to know soon because i simply am not enjoying my life the way i know i could. and while i have some modicum of hope that there will be changes in the system (i.e.--wealth will be returned to the citizens who need it most, housing and health care will be brought back into a balance so all can afford, employment will be abundant and will provide living wage for all and if this isn't the case, there will be income assistance programs, etc. etc. etc), i am fairly certain this won't be happening in my lifetime. even the most "progressive" of folks still cling to the notions of rugged individualism and capitalism. but i know that no civilization lasts forever. no system, especially a system that creates so much unbalance, will last long without collapsing. my concern, fear actually, is that if this does happen in my lifetime, another system equally as unfair and lacking in values such as respect and sharing will be created.

but that doesn't have to be the case so long as people open their minds to the knowings and desires of the heart and soul. that takes time, something that is indeed lacking in today's modern way of living. our elected officials have failed to address this. the church has failed to address this. business has failed to address this as has the media. our time is focused on things that keep us away from these knowings and desires. but they're still there. and it is my wish for humanity to open up to them and claim them and unite together in a strong spirit of love for change. i'm oh so very ready and oh so very willing. are you?

summing up global warming......

........as heard last night on coast to coast radio. cannot recall the name of the guest--i tuned in late and only listened for about 15 minutes. the discussion at the moment was global warming, the on-going debates people and the science community engage in--is it a natural cycle or is it human caused. as this guest said, it doesn't matter at this point. he nailed it when he said "the air is a mess. we need to clean it up."

Just An Example of What Greed Has Done To Our Beautiful Planet

in our species non-stop quest for wealth, we once again see how the need for greed can cause us to do terribly abusive things to the world around us. in this case, people are cutting down trees, destroying what once was a pristine rain forest, in order to claim a few nuggets of gold. it appears as though most of these folks are poor to begin with so their plight, i can honestly and heartfully understand. i know from experience the desperation one feels when living in poverty. i know the stress and the fatigue that goes hand-in-hand with living in poverty. i know the frustration and the anger one feels when watching others bank accounts go through the roof while you work every bit as hard just to make enough to pay the rent and utilities. deep inside you know "this isn't right." and most importantly, "things don't have to be this way."

i want to believe that if i were faced with an opportunity like this, i wouldn't throw my respect for this planet out the window, the way so many of the already wealthy/elite have done. what happens when this forest has been forever destroyed? has our search for riches rendered us blind and worse, utterly uncaring as to the long term consequences? what good is all that wealth when our planet is no longer able to sustain our lifestyles and begins bumping us off (as she is already showing signs of doing)?

i swear to the cosmos we are desperately in need of a new way of living, a new way of being. but first comes first. we need a new way of THINKING.

it's easy to say we need to take away the wealth from the elitists and redistribute it. it's easy to think changing political figures will equally solve the problem. but change has to come from awakening to something new and different, to knowing things can be different. something that doesn't come from inside a book or church. something that comes from within. i'm not a religious person for sure, but when i think about this, that is how i define "god". that part of us that has always been there. that part of us that isn't influenced by the rules of our families, our communities, our society. it's something that cannot be defined. but when you are in tune with it, you know it ain't going anywhere. it's solid. and it always has concern for the well being of everyone and everything. always.

we've lost that. we've lost it in our quest for more. we've lost it in our desire to please those who tell us they are in charge. we've lost it from being told who are are and who we aren't. we've lost it in our anger and in our rage. we've lost it in our apathy and sense of powerlessness, instead thinking of "that's the way things are" as something that is permanent.

i love the song "amazing grace". while i can do without the phrase "that saved a wretch like me", there is an energy that song talks about--that sense of grace. that sense of remembering who you are. it is going to take us remembering that if we are ever to actually see the kind of world we all like to talk about: a world of peace for all life forms.

Are You A Disgruntled Worker?

if so, i have just the website for you. come on all you oregonians. come one come all, all of you willamette valley workers. visit and vent, all you under-paid workers of corvallis, albany, portland, salem, eugene. let the world know how truly disgruntled you are. release some pressure without doing something that will land you in jail. stick it to the "man" who sticks it to you everyday.

ok, i've run out of cliches. go have some fun!

nina

If You Could See What I See

a little spin on sylvia brown's book.........

i see a world where people have forgotten who they are
i see a world where money has become more valuable than people
i see a world where the belief is war is necessary
i see a world full of "adults" who haven't a clue how to compromise, work through their differences or how to accept those differences
i see a world where acts of corruption and crime go ignored while acts of dissent are punished
i see a world where the personal lives of celebrities are more newsworthy than the suffering of persons in war torn countries
i see a world where people pray to a god they think is the right god of choice
i see a world where people worship this god then abuse, neglect and kill themselves and one another
i see a world where people blame a being they call satan whenever a human being does something horrifying
i see a world where energy sources such as wind, solar and the ocean have yet to be embraced in the way nuclear, coal and oil are

i see this world and i cry.
i see this world and i scream in rage.
then i remember again who i am.
and i cry some more.
and i rage some more.
and then i feel a sense of hope.
and i continue on.

an abused little girl without a real voice

i have a dear friend who lives in colorado. she is trying to regain full custody of one of her children who has been terribly abused by the father. it is such a long, detailed, insanely frustrating story, i'll skip the details and instead ask if there is anyone who knows of a good attorney, experienced with the family court system, who, most importantly, believes in LETTING THE CHILD HAVE A VOICE and who is licensed to practice in Colorado. i have seen the changes in this child since she has been with her dad. she is overweight. she deals with chronic urinary tract infections/problems. she is depressed--as she told me--her hobbies are watching tv and sleeping. this from a little girl who used to love soccer and riding her bike. she is also acts out a lot in these terrifying fits of rage and has become very clingy, especially towards males who show any sign of loving affection. what is almost as sickening is how many times this little girl has told counselors and the most recent social worker, "i am afraid of my daddy. i don't want to live with him. i want to live with my mommy."

my friend called me yesterday, in tears, sounding utterly exhausted. her recent attempt failed to convince the system that this little girl needs to be removed from dad's custody and returned to live with mom. i asked her "didn't [little girls name] talk with the investigator and tell her she wanted to live with you and that she was afraid of her daddy?" yep. "what about the statement i provided, saying the dramatic changes i've observed in her since she has been living with her dad?" that was included but obviously, discounted, just like the little girl's statement. after going through my own period of disbelief and tears and anger, i told her we won't give up. we'll find a good attorney. the truth shall prevail. we will go public if we have to. start a website.

we've all heard conspiratory statements and stories such as "you can buy justice" and "the family court system is corrupt". given my friends long-standing ordeal, i can say that at times, these statements are not conspiratorial but are rather, truth.

any help is so greatly appreciated. it is for a child. a little girl who has, in her short time on this earth, seen enough ugliness, experienced enough abuse and neglect. it is time someone speak for her, or at the very least, let her voice be heard. and counted.

nina

our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax

it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.

stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us. and oregon democrats are supposed to be amongst the most progressive. please........

we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.

we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax (yet again) a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.

yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?

our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax

it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.

stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us.

we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.

we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.

yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?

what the fuck does one have to do to attract readers?!

hmm let's try this one. CORVALLIS, OREGON. there, maybe that will actually get this blog of mine to show up on the oregon weblogs page. CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON. (just for good measure.......)

i've read and replied on countless blog websites. since i stopped doing my political pieces and in fact erased them, seems as though my already boring little site has become even more boring. what can i say? my life ain't that interesting. at least to most. and right now, it isn't even interesting to me.

i saw something unbelievably stupid today. some guy was on tv trying to promote food products made with hemp oil. the two female "journalists" who were supposed to be interviewing this man broke into giggles when he presented them hemp brownies. poor guy had to explain to these sad excuses for television journalists that hemps thc count is less than 1% compared to the thc found in marijuana, which ranges from around 5-20/25%, depending on the variety of the plant. these two lame brain females ruined a very viable opportunity for this man to promote the real positive uses of hemp and to present the insanely stupid hemp policies of our u.s. government. thankfully, he was able to get in that 25 states have legislation to legalize it. i wasn't aware of that. this should be national news. we can really save this planet with the hemp plant given it has endless uses, ranging from medicinal (it is very high in omega 3's and is an excellent anti-inflammatory agent) to energy (hemp oil can power our vehicles) to the use of construction to making clothes. and unlike cotton, the plant is highly resistant to pests not to mention it's more durable than cotton, which means clothing that lasts longer and is free of unnecessary, deadly chemicals. and for the freaks who think "oh no, people would grow that marywanna plant amongst the hemp plants"--RELAX. the hemp plant grows to a size much bigger than the typical mj plant and would thus greatly interfere with the ability of the mj plant to receive the light and nutrients it needs.

is it only me or am i the only one who turns on the tv and wonders where all of the true intellectuals have gone..........if yer purty with a perky persona and straight white teeth, we have a job for ya......only u can't think for yourself.

funerals, raging alcoholics and birthdays, oh my!

last week was supposed to be a week of calm. it was, afterall, my birthday week. i don't just celebrate the day of my birth. i celebrate it as a week long event. i had plans for a haircut, a massage and dinner out. and lots of naps. after last week, i'm still in need of a nap.

to begin with, my spouses former co-worker's wife died very suddenly. whenever i hear of someone dying, i also think about the people i've lost through death. i think we all do. that put a quiet damper on my "yippie it's my birthday week" spirits. i wasn't angry about it. it is and it is, it was as it was. nonetheless, that quiet hush was there.

two nights later, we were awaken at 1am by a loud knock on the door. phone calls in the dead of night are anxiety-producing enough. but a knock on the door?? thinking it was a drunk, lost college kid (which has happened to us before, although not at that hour), we both stumble out of bed, bumping into each other in the dark like a laurel and hardy comedy routine, attempting to find some clothes. "don't open the door!" i whispered loudly. "just look out the patio door!" my spouse beat me in the act of getting dressed and thus was able to see who it was while i was still struggling to put on a t-shirt. seems as though a family member of ours decided to pay us a visit. did i mention he was also drunk? and ready to party? and also angry, raging out of control over his life?

my spouse and i were finally able to get him to calm down. we pacified him with some water, a sleeping bag and the couch. i was terrified for a little while, fearing he was going to hurt us. in fact, i barely slept a wink that night, fearing what he may do. he was hell bent on hurting someone. he kept reiterating that. the next morning, we awoke to find him still there. awake. acting as though everything was fine. i offered to make him some breakfast, which he declined. so i took the dog outside and when i returned inside, he and my spouse were having a screaming match. when i asked what was going on, our family visitor turned his rage on me, which in turn caused my husband to turn up his own anger.

inside i am beginning to seethe on my own. he shows up at 1am, drunk and raging, we give him a place to sleep and he's treating us like this? plus it's my birthday week and i was scheduled to have a massage in a few hours. i had planned on having a good night sleep (which he had basically ruined) and a quiet, peaceful morning to put me in the right state of mind. spouse spoke up first and said he wasn't welcome here if this is how he was going to treat us. he began to rage about how his family doesn't care about him, how they don't want him around. at that point i yelled "maybe it's because how you TREAT your family. because let me tell you, you've been a real ass during this unannounced visit of yours!" that seemed to get through to him. he apologized. we tried talking to him, expressed how concerned we were about him, to which he scoffed at, saying he was fine. we've both dealt with addicts--we know they excuse their behaviors until ready to face themselves in the mirror. so we gave him some cash and a box of food and he was off, acting as though everything, himself included, was fine.

i managed to have a quick nap before my massage, but by the time i arrived, all i wanted to do was be at home in my own bed, left alone to sleep.

the next night we went out to dinner. i was still feeling the effects of the night before. plus we had had some phone conversations with the rest of the family about what had transpired. we learned new things, which caused us to worry even more. what do you do when someone you care about is out of control and refusing help? so......sitting at our table, the restaurant was very crowded and noisy, something i didn't need nor want. the food, yes. the stimulation, no. so i burst into tears halfway through. dealing with death and an out of control family member visit was too much for me to deal with in one week, not to mention the phone calls back and forth to spouses family members to talk about what to do for him. sorry to be so damn selfish but this is my birthday. can't this shit wait until next week??? especially since last year's birthday was such a huge disappointment. it was my big 4 0 and i had had big plans of dinner out and dancing/partying with friends. however, i was very sick from new year's day through the end of the month. i had no voice by the time my birthday arrived and thus couldn't speak. double whammy. i had vowed this year i would be healthy. no stress. a week of calm.

fuck. oh well, at least i was healthy, unless emotional exhaustion counts as a health issue......

the next day we went to the funeral. it was a beautiful ceremony. very well done. beautiful slide show of pictures with really wonderful music. several members of the family spoke, a couple of them grandchildren, who broke into tears. i don't care who you are or how little you know the person who has died. seeing something like that puts you into a cascade of tears. grief is something you simply cannot hide. and i am incapable of being in the same space as someone who is crying and not crying myself. i've missed 2 funerals in the past couple of years, saying i simply cannot do funerals. who can? they are difficult at best. yesterday i realized why i have avoided these funerals. i'm afraid of the pain inside of me, afraid to let others see it. i'm afraid to bond with people (other than my spouse) in those moments of shared grief. i always have been.

as i wept at the funeral, i felt like i was doing something wrong. i had only met this woman a few times. i know her husband on a more personal level, so i was grieving deeply for him. however, i caught myself trying to hold back the tears, fearing others would look at me and say "who is she? we don't know her. who is she to cry?" silly, insecure thoughts i realize. but nonetheless, still there. in time, my insecurities couldn't stop the release that was needed. i cried for the family. i cried for those people i have lost. i cried feeling my husband's own pain as i watched him weep. i cried, in reality, for all of humanity. for the beauty of life, of love, of connection. and i cried for the other side, that bitter, sharp sword of loss and the deep, ugly, beautiful, wrenching pain that follows.

so despite this being a week of tremendous waves of emotional experiences, despite my own selfish anger and my confusion over wanting to both help someone and throw them out into the cold, despite the panic and anxiety i felt and the tears i cried, through it all i did what we all do. i survived and learned a few things about myself by allowing myself to reach out to others from the heart and in brutal honesty. maybe that is the birthday gift i really needed.

A Solution to Ending The Fight Between Rosie and The Donald

i'm almost embarassed to even write about this but i just have to say something. each time i sign on to my ISP or attempt to watch any of the news channels on tv, i'm bombarded with pictures and headlines about this stupid childish moronic fight between two adults who are behaving like a miniature george bush in their own right. enough already. i have just the solution.

put them in an interrogation room with the CIA and have them subjected to some mind control experiments where they are given such suggestions as "i support osama bin laden" and "i hate america". then put them both in a room labeled "WMD" and send in some of our soldiers to deal with them. after labeling them "television terrorists", they are tried in a federal court, found guilty of treason, stupidity and wasting the publics time, and are then sent to guantanamo. at which point, their collection of billions in assets are used to build housing for the homeless, provide health care for the uninsured poor and to create a vast network of community gardens to feed the hungry. both are given makeovers--donald's head is shaved and rosie is put on a diet.

both are then required to write one zillion times: "i am an idiot. i am sorry i used (wasted) expensive media time saying such nasty comments about someone i don't even know. the truth was, i was too chicken to deal with him/her in person."

cast your vote in the comment section. or suggest your own solution.

can i please just go back to bed now?

woke up this morning........stumbled out of bed........made me some oatmeal......tossed in some cranberries and walnuts (i ain't a coffee drinker--i rely on real food to get me going in the morning)........decided to check out what was happening out in the world........

first i turned on the tv.........700 club blared at me putting their "positive" spin on the war........next.........rosie o'donnell slamming bush and his iraq policies........ok, more in tune w/my heart but still, she's a grossly over-paid, highly consuming individual who hasn't a clue as to what is really needed in terms of solving the sufferings of humanity..........next.........hey, elmo's on........he's harmless and cute.......adorable and fuzzy.........oh but wait--i forgot--in a drunken moment i spontanteously did a routine on "porn star elmo" and ever since then, i am not able to view him in the same innocent light........

let's check out what the internet has to to say..........iraq veteran returns home to find storage facility has sold his belongings........wtf?.......next........barbara walters "rips" into donald trump ok do not want to hear or read ANOTHER FUCKING WORD about that waste of journalistic filth......next........lots of fluff articles about how to get that winter "glow" with our make-up ladies (gives one chills of excitement just reading that doesn't it?! WOW)......another piece on how to get the body u really want.......oh wait--it says i need to exercise everyday and :::shudder::: give up cheese. nope--ain't gonna happen........especially the cheese part.......

let's check the 'ole e-mail inbox...........work at home opportunity for christians........being i am not christian, i have no clue how that one arrived........delete......."join in with others to stop the carnage".......mass mailing from one of the political organizations i have signed up for over the past few years..........if it weren't butt nipping cold outside, i'd consider it.........delete........and wait, what's this? a reminder to tune into the president's speech tonight where he plans on unveiling his new strategy for iraq.......

sigh. at this point, do you really think i care? do you really think i plan on spending one precious second of my life to hear what he has to say? to quote a man whose work i recently read about bush, "our president is intellectually lazy". that's a kind way of saying he's a self-centered sloth. do i really think the democrats are going to do the right thing and pull out our troops? hell no. why would they? they've shown their true colors by saying there will be no impeachment hearings which reveals the truth of the criminal filth back in d.c. as my girlfriend recently told me: "i've finally realized our government doesn't give a crap about us. that's why i have the desire to live out my days in the mountains in a small cabin with my girls and other folks like myself. all of us self-sufficient."

hear hear. until then, can i please just go back to bed?

The Insurance Industry Scam

mr. nina and i are in the process of signing up for private health insurance. we selected blue cross. i turned in our paperwork today at the insurance agents office. one of the agents looked it over and said "you should know that there is a high probability you will be turned down." i looked at her increduously. "what do you mean?" i asked. she pointed out our list of health ailments--none of them serious. i laughed and said "but those are issues that most people our age deal with." "i realize that. but nonetheless, you will likely be rejected."

she then went on to tell me about another plan that doesn't reject anybody. it's also owned and operated by guess who? you got it. BLUE CROSS. "oh, i see," i said. "let me guess. we get less coverage and pay a higher premium." yep. $150/month to be exact. and yep, less coverage too, including no vision, which is included in plan we are signing up for. "so let me see if i get this straight. blue cross will likely reject us. but they then will offer us a plan that has less coverage while they get more of our money?" insurance lady just looked at me and said "you could say that."

i could have stayed calm but i decided not to. for those who read my blog, you know i am pissed the farm fuck off at the greed that permeates our culture, creating a system that uses those at the bottom so those at the top can profit and live a life of luxury. i despise the laws and policies that protect these greedy fuckers. i blew a fuse today.

"how can you work in an industry that supports this kind of greed? i don't get that! it's criminal! these folks should be tried in a court of law! escaping into canada is sounding VERY APPEALING at the moment! i have had it with the american way. the capitalist system. had it! SOMETHING needs to be done about this crisis. health insurance should be a RIGHT and not the luxury that it is today! people like myself are going to begin revolting!"

she tried making me feel better by telling me the story of a recent client who was rejected because she has osteoporosis. THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!

i left in a huff, walked outside. even kicked my car and let out a vent of frustration. i was oh so tempted to march down to my spouses place of employment and kick his boss in the ass, demand that he do the right thing and provide his employees insurance. but being i don't wish to see my spouse fired, i decided to call a friend instead and toss back a brownie and some doritos. and given our health insurance situation, i stuffed a few carrots and some broccoli into my mouth as an afterthought. for good measure.

it's a new year........

astrologically speaking, it's the year of the dragon. numerologically speaking, it's a "9" year (2007=2+0+0+7=9). what does this mean for you and me? i don't know. let us ask the prophecy experts. i listened to quite a few of them last night on coast to coast radio.

lots of storm activity, especially an increase in earthquakes and volcanos along the ring of fire in asia, most particularly japan.

possible nuclear meltdown, or a close call, here in the united states.

new bacterial illness in march.

increased accidents affecting children.

serious fires in the summer.

the pope will deal with health problems in april and october.

merging of oil and television companies. (which was heralded as a good thing by this particular psychic. wtf??)

a major ufo event in chicago.

not that i care, but the careers of rosie o'donnell and katie couric will fizzle this year.

lots of hints at a run in 2008 for al gore, but indicators show this will happen in 2012.

****
those are some highlights. what does this mean for you and i? i don't know. i could get into a major ufo event as long as it's benign, although i don't live near chicago. the health problems of the pope and careers of rosie and katie are of no consequence to me since i believe one is a deviant and the other two are of mediocre talent. what bothered me most was one person's prediction--a dr. louis turi--who said there was a karmic universal energy that was going to be targeting our children. how sick is that? children would be experiencing increased accidents and illness. i thought karma was about what you put out comes back to you. i don't know about you, but i certainly do not believe children put out energy that says "make others sick/destroy". i leave that one to the adults.

i'm not a psychic, but i have had experiences that have come to pass. the day before 9/11, i "knew" something awful was going to happen the next day, that the plans were already in place, and that i could do nothing about it. the morning the challenger crashed, i had a dream where some craft had crashed in a field. i've felt people i am close to "pass" upon their death--before knowing they have left the earth. what do i predict for the new year?

chaos.
questioning.
corruption.
greed.
lies and excuses.

and i also predict there will be a growing trend amongst people like myself who are tired of struggling, who are tired of working to ensure others create more and hold onto their wealth while we go without. we will rise up, come together in unique ways, and begin to talk about new ways of living that create the road to our own personal liberation, freedom and sustainability. in other words, a lot of what we call "modern living" is going to become a dying trend, for the very least of reasons being it has harmed our planet long enough and she, along with people like myself, are speaking up and saying "NO MORE".

happy new year--and may it indeed BE a "new" year.

godfather of soul.........and wife beater

james brown's death has brought to the forefront his natural, cosmos-given incredible musical ability.......the guy could sing, dance and feeeeel his way through his music........never did i see a performance of his be neutral (like so many of today's pop music performers)..........the guy brought the energy of the cosmos into his being when he was singing........

just too damn bad he's put on this pedestal without remembering his violent side, without remembering he liked to smack women around........

media bias.......promoting male supremacy............enough already...........if we're going to highlight someone's life, let's not forget to bring in the darker side, too..........when does the media ever do this when it comes to men? look at princess diana and marilyn--the media did and continue to do an extensive job of covering their ills and closet secrets. wtf can they not give equal treatment to those famous men who pass?

and now gerald ford has died and it's all over the news.........yawn.......he did what for our country? not only was he the accidental president, he seems to be the invisible president........gerald who????

i know when i die, i don't want people sitting around and remembering only one side of me......i want people to remember all of me...........my idealism........my temper, too.............my soft, tenderness..........and those times when my words can cut like a knife........

may these folks rest in peace..........and may we remaining persons on planet earth remember them for who they were--in every facet.

bizarro world

i applied for a freelance writing/editing position about 2 weeks ago. the magazine is set to launch in january. i followed the dude's instructions as expressed in his voicemail. "contact us with your material and we will get right back to you." suuuuuuuuure ya will. wtf is UP with folks not doing what they say? what is even worse is when i have said "you said you would do 'x' and you didn't" i very rarely receive an apology. just a list of excuses. i'm at a point where i want to create a special court system for those who have the gross habit of saying whatever they want and not owning up to their words or consequences resulting from their words.

for the freelance writing position, i also went through their site and found a major typo. they had misspelled one of their advertisers--a local biz. checking their site today, i noticed they changed the spelling. however, it is still misspelled.

so no response to my submission. not even a "thank you" for pointing out their error. flake. i already worked for a publisher who was a major flake. had all sorts of promises at the start, including the promise of a contract (i worked as a freelance writer). a contract that was never created despite my on-going requests, which in time became labeled as "nagging". i even wrote up my own contract but he just laughed and said he wouldn't sign it. when i would say "you never pay me on time" his answer was "hey at least i pay you". his reason for paying me with such inconsistency? "i cannot pay you until my advertisers pay me." moron. i finally quit. at one point i even said "you are a flake". his response? "i know." at least he owned it. made him more pitiful though.

here's another little ditty in my bizarro world. i haven't written about this before, at least i don't think i have. one of the things i do on the side is i pick up dog waste. yep, i pick up poop. not the most glamourous of jobs of course but, except for those days when it is a rainstorm of biblical proportions, it is easy money. my client list is pitifully small: one. i've had several calls but apparently people don't want spend more than $5/week or so on such a service. i charge a reasonable rate--$10/week for one dog, $15 for two. i provide all supplies. anyway last week i arrived to scoop. my client has a chain link fence. the entrance is two gates, which are held together by a chain and latch. well when it rains, the chain gets rusty. sometimes the owner loops the chain together very tightly, making it difficult to unlatch when it's dry. add the rain and it becomes quite the task. my fingers kept slipping and my hand, which already had a cut on it, kept bumping into the fence. after several minutes of this, i let out a "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" then let loose a couple of choice words. i then took a deep breath and went back at it. after another couple of minutes, i wasn't making any progress. my hands were very cold by this point and were covered with rust. my cut had also been rubbed open and was beginning to bleed. i considered my options. i could always just go and leave a note, explaining my dilemma. i am, afterall, to have easy access to the residence if i am to scoop. but i had already dropped off my bill in her mail slot. so i stared at the fence, put my hand on either side and shook it, let out a couple more choice words as i encouraged it to open, then went back at it. finally, i was able to get inside.

later that evening, my client called and asked what had happened today. at first i was confused until she said one of her neighbors had said someone was at her fence, swearing. i laughed and said i had had a bit of a tantrum trying to get into her gate. client didn't think this was funny. just kept repeating the words of her neighbor. while i wanted to say "your neighbor sounds like he or she has too much spare time on their hands. have they not gotten frustrated and expressed that frustration? were they not able to come out and ask me what was wrong?" i mean good lord............instead i put on my professional biz owner hat and said "i am sorry if my actions and choice of words disturbed your neighbor."

i would like to know which neighbor she was referring to. i'd like to give them a big fat smile when i see them and perhaps flip them the bird. i've been scooping at this home for over a year and a half. the neighbors know who i am by now. so silly...........although about what i would expect from our puritanical society. so uptight. this kind of public behavior is completely acceptable throughout parts of europe. i once had a friend visit italy. when she came back she told me i would appreciate it because people expressed themselves and their emotions very freely in public and it isn't looked down upon.

i already know i live in the wrong country. i'm not a christian. i don't support either political party. i despise capitalism, lies, greed and corporate/political corruption. i support sharing the wealth. i believe in freedom of expression. maybe i need to take my bizarro world underground.......i do fantasize--a lot--about coming into a lot of money, buying an acre in the woods, building a small, energy efficient/self sustainable cabin and spending my days gardening, creating music and art and hanging with my hub, dog and all that nature has to provide.

the day after

christmas is over. bittersweet. had some excellent food. my two closest friends called which was very comforting. watched some movies and snuggled w/the hub. had some entertaining phone calls with some family members. had some painfully frustrating conversations with others. got to hear about the time, sweat and money my bro and his wife have put into building their new "you must believe in jesus lest you wish to enter hell upon death" dogma center. (aka: church). if i had drank more wine i would have had the courage to say "bastard" and hang up. sob can't help out his own sister when i asked but he sure as hell can invest himself into his church. hub's mom and dad is the same way. i will never understand these folks who say 'we serve the lord'. doesn't that mean you serve those you love and care about first and foremost?

got to hear from my dad's wife about the foreigners in their area, how in some places "we [the white folks] are the minority." also got to hear her mention the term "lower class" when referencing the foreigners. wtf does that mean? my dad is into the whole class thing, which is a joke considering he grew up poor, and you cannot take the poverty experience out of the human. dad's still that simple poor kid down the street at heart. he just likes to tell himself he's ok because he has money. it's sad in a way. what is insulting to me is that my spouse and i are part of this "lower" class, as defined by society, as believed in by my dad and his wife, so why she would even reference this in such a way is beyond me. perhaps it's the foot and mouth disease.......

also got to hear from my spouses siblings and bitch-from-hell sister in law ranting in the background. she has her religious foot stuck so far up her ass, she refuses to visit us simply because my hub failed to wish her a happy easter one year. when she flipped out on him for this "sin", he asked her to calm down. when she refused, he hung up. she has refused to speak with him since. well, we sent the family a package anyway, a package we asked if they had received given hub's brother (sis-in-law from hell's hub) didn't mention it arriving. he wasn't sure where it was so he asked sil from hell. we heard her in the background as she said it arrived a week ago and she said very catty-like, "it's at the post office. we'll get it later, geez!" no "thank you". no acknowledgement. nothing. that's it, as i told my spouse.

actually that's it in terms of gifts we send without acknowledgement, which means next year, instead of 10 packages, i'll be limiting it to 2. if whatever it is i am giving to or investing in isn't coming back to me in some way, even in the form of an acknowledgment, then i will no longer invest my energy.

some people would say "love anyway". i say that's a quick road to disappointment. i've tried to do the "have no expectations" mantra. i can convince my head of it but not my heart. never my heart. certain experiences i can release the need for expectations. but when it comes to family, when it comes to those who you know in your heart are supposed to love you, i cannot escape the needs, the wants. so, while i can love in my heart and have hope, i will no longer invest my time and energy into anyone or anything that is not answering me back in kind.

so another christmas has come and gone, leaving me thinking why do i celebrate it at all. each year i invest less and less energy into the whole event. i haven't believed in the whole jesus story in a very long time, if i ever really did at all. maybe a few years as a kid when i was brainwashed by the church. maybe it's the desire to create more time with people of my choosing, people i feel a real connection with and who feel the same about me. creating my own family. and taking the time to celebrate together. celebrate the simple act of spending time together laughing, crying, talking, eating. even arguing now and then, then working through understanding and forgiving. being real.

Festivus for the Rest of Us

if you never watched seinfeld, you won't know what i am talking about. however if you did, you know what festivus is. it's for those of us who feel a certain disdain for christmas. all of those feelings of love and peace come into conflict with the pain that seems to rear its little head the most intensely during this time of year.

in honor of that television tradition, let me dedicate this post to those people in my life who have disappointed me this past year.

1) my spouses employer. you renigged on a promise of job title and pay. you then did away with vacation time. all of this to save money. you are a greedy pig.

2) employers i worked for or attempted to work for. too numerous to list. you all had a few things in common: an inability to keep your word; an inability to communicate your intentions, even when they had changed; and a refusal to own up to your end of any misunderstanding or conflict. you're all flakes.

3) our landlord. you've let this place fall apart while raising the rent. you made an illegal entry then threw a hissy fit when we called you on it. you have failed to keep your promises of repairs and landscape upkeep. and you have had the gall to complain about your financial life, at times using it as an excuse not to make a repair. you are both greedy and a flake.

4) certain members of our family. lots of promises to visit that never happened. distancing of yourselves because we aren't of your religious faith. in one instance, not only distancing but a flat out refusal to step foot in our house. all i can say is thank god for the nieces and nephews. it is you who keep us hopeful and our hearts attached. too damn bad your parents are so stupid.

5) certain organizations here in town who employ certain people who are clueless as to what it means to live in poverty, what it means to have health problems, what it means to be underpaid, what it means to look for and compete for work. your lack of compassion and sympathy do a disservice to the term "social service agency". may karma visit you and see you through to your termination of employment.

6) former friends. those folks who have bailed when conflict arose or when they couldn't handle seeing the struggles of yours truly (spouse included). so sorry my life was too difficult for you to handle. we're better off without you. i only hope others see behind that smile, that laugh. it's a facade. life ain't all smiles. it's smiles and frowns. thought you would have learned that by the time you entered your 40's.

happy holidays. and for the rest of us, happy festivus. OY

joke

what do you get when you cross a would-be employer and promises of work? in my case, a FLAKE.

i recently wrote to this would-be person, stating after some contemplation, i believed they needed to compensate me for work i turned down. why? because i was waiting for work to come from them. work, by the way, that was told would be coming. first promised on a particular week (the week i turned down the offer of extra work from my current employer) then later promised in the upcoming 2 weeks. it turned into an utter dead end when i was told (after i made contact) all was on hold.

now this person has the nerve to tell me they owe me no such thing considering i should have written them telling me of this extra work opportunity. wtf? does this person fail to remember his own words? to add insult to injury, he said instead of compensating me for potential lost work opportunity (potential?? IT WAS A LOST WORK OPPORTUNITY, idiot), he said he will offer me their at-home course at no charge.

what a pretentious assumption to make. what an insult. and how utterly arrogant. typical salesman pitch.

i wrote back, reiterating his responsibility in the matter and again, this time rather than asking, commanding him to pay me. no more ms. nice gal.

good thing i found out about him before i was months into working for him. it has been my experience with so many of these new age folks that they are, in a nutshell, flaky. flightly. and completely unwilling (incapable?) of doing what they say and taking responsibility for their own words, instead saying such nonsense as "we are sorry things did not work out". excuse me, do not imply things did not work out because of what i did. you are the one who promised me work. you failed to deliver on that. and it is i who had to contact you to find out your intentions had changed. and not once did you say "woops, you are right, i did say these things to you and i am sorry for that." and in this situation, i e-mailed him his own e-mails, his own words.

put any of this on me? don't think so. look in the mirror. this one is on YOU.

Religious Hypocrisy

i received a christmas newsletter over the weekend from my brother and his family. his wife created it. it was in the form of a poem. a very clever, cute poem. something i would have no issues with if it weren't for the blaring hypocrisy.

my brother and his wife are very religious. so much so that they created their own church as modeled by their previous church, located in the state in which they used to reside. i've written about their beliefs in previous posts of long ago. let's just say their religious beliefs by and large clash with mine. he has his, i have mine. although ask my brother and he will say his are right and mine are wrong.

the newsletter spoke in quite a bit of detail about their church, the time and energy and money they've devoted to getting it off the ground and assisting in running it. they "serve the lord", as they put it.

again, in and of itself, no problem there. however, being they have found so much love and compassion in their hearts to devote to this, when in the hell has that love been sent my way? i would like to write them and say "hey, remember me? the sister/sister-inlaw? the one who loaned you my wedding dress because you couldn't afford to buy one? the one who played at your wedding and who threw you your bridal party? the one who let you stay with me while you were looking for work in the same city in which i lived? the one who did your resumes? the one who GAVE you money for college (while i was in college myself) because mom and dad had failed to do as promise? the one who agreed, lovingly, to be the godmother for your son? the one who babysat your son countless times, including traveling out of state to do so, never asking nor expecting anything in return other than maybe you come visit? the one who, along with my spouse, visited you numerous times over the years, hoping you would keep your word and visit us only to be disappointed and in time, gave up knowing the words were just words? the one who, upon your turning "religious", was told that my beliefs were bullshit, my feelings crap, that i was selfish for thinking on my own rather than reading the bible and believing some supposed church leader bible expert, and that just about every word that has ever come out of my mouth, you disagree with? the one who, when i announced i was getting married, i got criticized for having it on a weekday, even though i chose that day to honor a family member's birthday who had long since passed? and to add further insult to injury, who was criticized when i asked for your children, my niece and nephew, to be a part of the wedding, saying i "should not have" done that without checking with the family patriarch, despite the matriarch, mama bear, saying she was fine with the kids partaking? and adding even further insult to injury, when mama bear decided to write me a letter stating the reasons why i should not marry my spouse, claiming the entire family felt that way (which i later found out was utterly untrue) and when i got upset with her, not for her expressing her truth but in how she said it and when (2 days before christmas--when we were all planning to get togehter), i got critized sharply and then got told "it was all my fault" because my spouse was now hurt (saying i had no business sharing this information with him). and who, when i asked you, brother, for money during a time when my spouse and i struggled with health issues and lack of employment, was told "no" and later was offered such loving, brilliant advice from your wife who said "go pick broccoli" and that "we cannot give you anything" even though you were living RENT FREE (while making a good salary) with mom while you looked for a home to buy."

you serve the lord? bullshit. when you serve "god" you serve people, which means you put your family FIRST. i've done that for you both many times in the past, even when i have been sick with anxiety and panic. i see through your hypocrisy. have seen it over the years. now that i have read your words, i see it even more clearly now for your actions and words are now in direct alignment.

mankind vs. beast vs. planet

i tried posting this yesterday but either blogger or my browser was behaving dysfunctionally. i can no longer find the article so i'll just have to paraphrase. an elephant was shot and killed in india last week. this elephant had (supposedly) been terrorizing a village off and on for 2 years, trampling huts and people alike. a day or so later, after being killed, some of the other members of this elephant's herd charged through this same village, creating further havoc.

no surprise there. elephant's are very intelligent and every bit as emotional and connected with their "families" as we humans are.

once again, we are seeing another terrible example of what happens when humans invade a space and consume the surrounding resources. something always must be lost so that humans can gain. now of course i could go on and on about this, but then i would be a hypocrite, wouldn't i? the land on which my house resides had to see loss of vegetation and a displacement of a variety of animal species, all so i could have a warm place to live. and if an elephant were trampling the homes in my neighborhood, terrorizing the people, the children, the pets, i would want it removed. if it harmed (or worse) my dog or my spouse, i wouldn't hesitate putting a bullet through its head.

what the hell is the balance anymore? can there be a balance? is it possible for every living creature to have what they need at this stage in the evolutionary game?

when we speak of overpopulation, that angers a lot of people. "we have the RIGHT" is something we humans love to spout. "we have the RIGHT to have as many kids as we want!" "we have the RIGHT to build this 10,000 square foot mansion!" "we have the RIGHT to drive this car wherever we wish!" the question i've been asking myself when i have these same thoughts is "according to whom?" who says i have this right? i believe it's just me. and being there is more than just me residing on this planet, it is only fair that i consider others. not that this is easy for me to do. life has not been easy for me--at all. i don't have a strong family system. they're half-assed at best. certainly not predictable in their reliability. i struggle with depression and anxiety/panic. i have a couple of friends, one locally, who i know i could count on. i have my spouse, whose family is even more deplorable than my own. his friend situation is no better than mine. it could be worse, i realize that. but it could also be a hell of a lot better! given the life i have lived, it is difficult for me to consider others. when you've been kicked around and when it goes against your inherent desire to fight back, or fight at all, when life has simply not given you what you have tried to achieve, it is natural to fall into the "me first at the expense of you" mentality. i try not to. but it's there nonetheless.

one of the things i am opening up to is presenting something not only to myself but to the people of this planet. wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all begin to talk about how we live. truly how we live. how we consume. how we interact with others around us. difficult to do for most considering it takes time to think at this level and who wants to realize that they could cut back on what they are consuming. there's a lot of talk about elevating consciousness. that has, overall, been a joke. i was once part of the new age/new thought movement. these folks love to talk about love of self and connecting with a higher intelligence, connecting with our higher selves. however, none have offered up any answer to the planetary crisis. they think simply having positive thoughts about it all is enough. hypocritical it is to me to see so many of these folks live a life of luxury, claiming this is due to their own thoughts and the gifts of the universe. i used to cling to those words. now they repel me. sure, thoughts and intentions create. and i believe the universe doesn't judge. (if it did, think we'd have this mess?) but don't these people realize their gluttony is causing others to go without (gluttony only as defined by the truth that the planet could not sustain their lifestyles for all)? don't they realize that there are only so many resources to go around and that if everyone were to live THEIR lifestyle, the planet could in no way sustain it? let's talk about, instead, of living in HARMONY (and i'm not just talking about peaceful spiritual harmony) with the earth. we need to establish some guidelines, beginning with creating a scenario that depicts what is the maximum lifestyle each of us can live (equally) that will be sustainable for our planet.

it's quite simple. while i realize that the above scenario and necessary thoughtfulness would be a very difficult pill to swallow, and while i realize not all would choose to live alike, we ALL deserve to have the equal chance to do just that.

A Friend In Need of Help

i have a good friend that, whenever i speak with, always seems to humble me and make me realize my problems ain't so difficult. at least compared to hers. this is a woman who lost custody to two of her children last year. some family court judge awarded the ex-husband primary custody. money seems to be the motivating factor. the ex has it, my friend does not. you can buy justice in this country if you have $$, the right judge and attorney's running the show.

this decision........a nightmare decision if ever there was one. he abuses the kids, especially the youngest, who he never wanted to begin with. my friend left this man (and the state in which he lives) when she was pregnant with the youngest back in early 1997, moved out here (where we met shortly thereafter) and started a new life for herself and her children. however, he came back into her life, full of promises of being a "changed man". desperate to have a family again and a father for her children, she returned to him in late 2000 where they then remarried. within a few months, she knew he had manipulated her. he hadn't changed one bit. if anything, his mood swings and violent behavior had only increased. i met the man once. that was enough for me. everything in me said this was someone not to be trusted. my spouse received the same impression.

the youngest daughter, who i knew the first 3 years of her life when it was just she and her mama and sisters, was a very happy, outgoing child. she had a sparkle in her eyes that put a smile in your heart and on your face. she could transform the grinch with just one of her giggles.

however, tragically and sadly, upon reuniting with daddy, this child's behavior took a drastic turn for the worst. when she visited with her mama and sisters just a little over a year after they had left to be with him again, i noticed the spark in her eye was gone. she was no longer the happy, outgoing little girl i had grown to know and love. replaced was a child who was very moody, clingy and defiant. she had taken up hitting and biting. to say this was an angry child was an understatement. she was particular clingy with my spouse. it was as though she was desperate for an adult male to love her and show her attention.

if this weren't bad enough, my friend is now recovering from cancer. she's also in the process of trying to regain custody. she and i are on a crusade to see that this happens. we will be writing talk shows and contacting powerful attorney's in the hopes of finding one who will take the case pro bono. if anyone knows of such a person, please post your contact information in the comment section. thank you.

potential to make more income

'tis the answer i received from the local hospital's financial/billing office. the question? we need financial assistance for a hospital bill can you please help us? after turning in our income statement for the prior 12 months, even though we fall within their own income guidelines for free care, stephanie (skank bitches name who is now on my personal shit list) decided to decline our request because of our earning potential. she claims it can be more.

no shit, sherlock. it can be a lot more. for us. and many others.

when i was told this by her assistant, i laughed and said "ok and your point is....." ? that was before i flipped my lid..........

so now i get to (ok, choose to) appeal where upon i must explain to them why i am only working part-time (their main issue was with me and my part-time employment) and lay out the steps i have taken to find additional part-time work. oh goodie. let's revisit the last year of employment-seeking hell. just in time for the holidays, too!

i will make sure i include my latest fiasco, where upon i was sold yet another lie by a biz owner who, after having me do some work for him over the course of a few weeks, decided the stresses of life were eating away at him, so he took off for some r & r. "i will call you when i return and assign you more work," he said. he returned, but no phone call arrived. i contacted him. "i am not quite ready to assign you work. please bear with me." i waited a few weeks and contacted him yet again. biz owner, who is now a royal jackass in my book, said "oh but wait, there is no work for you. it was never my intention that you wait for me. (oh really??? i believe the terms "i will have work for you" and "please bear with me" constitute WAITING.) i will be off for the holidays. (and you were going to tell me this when???) and i have put all contract work on hold. (again, you were going to tell me this when???)"

my response to his bullshit diatribe has yet to receive a response.

if life were fair and just, which is to say if people (like the above) were fair and just, i would receive compensation for this type of inconsiderate crap. until then, i get to explain to employees like stephanie, young enough to be my f'ing child and who hasn't a clue what it's like to look for work in today's market, why i am worthy of some financial assistance and justify what i have done to seek additional work this past year. i despise doing this and desire, instead, to tell her to bend over so i can kick her ass into the next county. or at least out of her cushy little job. let me have it. she can walk in my shoes for awhile. maybe then she'll catch a clue............

Sorry, I cannot do that.

i've been posting about my job search experience the past few days on a local website. the responses have surprised me. most have basically said, in a nutshell, "shut up and accept things as they are." one poster even said, "you asked why you should accept things as they are. um, because that IS how things are." wow! what an amazing ability this person has in engaging in dialogue of depth. encore, encore.

shut up? sorry, i cannot do that.

i brought up several points for discussion, including the low wages, lack of benefits, employers who are more interested in skills (which can be taught) than they are in interest or personality, the ever-invasive use of drug testing (which is not reliable. some of the most dangerous and harmful drugs are out of the system within 72 hours) and the ever-elusive background check. no way will i agree to "whatever means necessary". tell me precisely what those means are and we can discuss it.

most shocking to me was being told the employment situation is not a two-way deal. wtf? what is it then? also surprising was being told i had no right to demand a thing of an employer.

baaa baaaaa baaaaa

in all seriousness, such responses are frightening and should scare the shit out of all prospective applicants. the forces-that-be have done their job in brainwashing a large lot of american slaves, er i mean workers.

the assumptions about me were equally amusing. it was assumed i was in my 20's. male. uneducated. and, weirdly enough, not capable of working as an independent contractor (who the hell knows how this assumption was comprised). i laughed as i said i was 40, female, college-educated and my current and previous position consisted of contract work.

anyway.............i am still apathetic to my employment situation. actually apathetic isn't the word. depressed doesn't even adaquately apply. how do i feel? hmmm. blank. maybe that word will suffice for now.

i am holding on to a grain of hope here. don't know if it's wishful, fantasy-like thinking or not. don't know if there is any chance this hope is based on any universal truth or principle. or possibility. but something in me has always known i need to work for myself. have my own organization. yes, i admit, i have a difficult time working for others, especially when there is a clash in values between myself and the boss. i once worked for an accounting firm. it was there that i learned there is indeed truth in stereotypes. cpa's, at least at this firm, are boring as hell and oh so uptight. i remember one of them told a joke and everyone but me was laughing hysterically. feigning a smile, i quietly walked away. although i do admit to feeling a sense of relief that they could actually laugh! it was the first time i had ever seen one such cpa smile! i also remember the time when one of the cpa's has given me his billing sheet. i noticed he had charged full price for helping his sister with her taxes. figuring this was an error, i brought it to his attention. gruffly he said "full price". i stood there by the side of his desk, hand on my heart. "but this is your sister. surely, you would at least consider offering her a discounted rate." the look he gave me made it clear he was indeed serious and i had better get my bleeding-heart ass out of his office.

back to this grain of hope. for some time now i have known there is a group of people i am "meant" to meet. this feeling, this knowing, won't go away. it's the same feeling i had when i was waiting for my husband to show up. i had absolutely no doubt he was out there looking for me. so i am very familiar with this feeling. these people i am meant to connect with......a group of like-minded folks. humanitarians. passionate, independent thinkers. maybe even those who feel a little like outcasts, perhaps some even having gone through similar experiences as have i. we are meant to meet and form an organization, non-profit most likely. an agency whose mission will include at least one of the following: seeing an end to poverty, homelessness, hunger; helping to create policies to redistribute the wealth; ending unnecessary suffering; conflict resolution and peacemaking. i can get jazzed up about any of these ideas. and something within me continues to say i am here to be a part of something to help heal our planet, ourselves, our world, starting with one person at a time. do i wait for this to happen? searching, thus far, has not brought me the desired results. i have shared my ideas with others, including many in my community. so far, no takers, just nods of encouragement and "good luck" smiles.

perhaps then i need to trust as i did with my spouse. i felt something would be happening. knew it. wanted it to the core of my being. got as clear as i could as to my intentions. then let it go, trusting it would return to me..........

hey, see ya later employment world!

i am finished with the employment world. FINISHED. DONE. i am DONE applying for companies that want me to work a part-time job and where i must be ENSLAVED to these greedy motherfuckers every shift, all hours, every fucking day of the week. i am DONE applying for companies that want me to provide a million year background check, provide my urine and blood to make sure i haven't been smoking any crack (which at this point in the game IS STARTING TO BECOME A VIABLE OPTION in order to deal with the BULLSHIT GAMES OF TODAY'S EMPLOYMENT WORLD. long-term job search and u expect me to be sober???). i am FINISHED with the blood, sweat and tears of applying only to not hear back a god damn fucking thing--in other words, i am respectful of YOUR wishes and yet you aren't respecting mine. i am FINISHED with the insanely long list of skills and experience all for a whopping $8 per hour. woo hoo SIGN ME UP johnny!! i am FINISHED with posting a myriad of resumes on the career sites only to have my e-mail box fill up with nothing but SPAM. i am FINISHED with posting my resume on sites that provide jobs and careers that actually interest me only to have the same fucking results. i am FINISHED with visiting employment websites on a daily basis only to exit the site frustrated and disappointed. why? BECAUSE I CONTINUE TO SEE THE SAME FUCKING ADS I HAVE RESPONDED TO AND HAVEN'T HEARD A FUCKING WORD. i am finished with employment agencies and their bloody stupid endless list of tests and questions, only to be told "oh, we will be able to find you a job, no problem" and following that, only to be told by some perky gum-snapping bimbo upon calling in weekly "oh i am sorry we have nothing today please call back." i am DONE with networking and these STUPID lame-ass classes full of other desperate job seekers, taught by over-paid EMPLOYED lame brains who think this is an excellent place to network, failing to realize that as soon as word of an available job is spoken, especially a GOOD available job, people suddenly make a mad dash to leave. wake up instructors--people are DESPERATE. d e s p e r a t e. the pickings are slim. people do not come here to look for work and help others and socialize. they come for one reason alone: to FIND A JOB. PERIOD. i am DONE talking with others in the same/similar situation, trying to convince them we can put our minds together, come up with our own way of making an income, create our own business, only to realize i am talking to mindless sheep who are still convinced by and enslaved to the "work for another" mentality.

if society, if the working world still expects me to "work for a living" and "pay my own way", then fine. you bring me the fucking job because i am done knocking on doors, searching the web, filling out applications, submitting resumes and researching your stupid companies website. DONE. FINISHED. NO MORE. my mind and body have become chronically burned out, run down and sick as a result of this pathetic waste of time and energy i have put myself through. you want me bad enough? you can come to me. as a wise friend once told me, when i was searching for mr. right, "when the right one comes along, he will know it when he sees you and wild horses won't be able to keep him away from you". she was right. and i figure if this can apply for searching for the right man, it sure as hell can apply for my search for the right job.

so working world, i salute you with the big "FUCK OFF". put myself through one more second of frustration so i can maybe have tiny chance of being selected for an interview, but then only to be told later i am over-qualified or under-qualified? no thank you.
I AM DONE WITH THIS!

speaking the truth of my heart--in other words sometimes a "fuck you" will suffice

i am notorious for wanting to say something, but instead i stop and think "that's not nice" or "that's not appropriate" and either shut up or say something contrary to what i had originally wanted to say. has this worked for me? uh, no.

i remember once while in a counseling session a couple of years ago saying "it would feel SO FREEING to just say it as it is. feel what i feel. say the first thing that comes to mind without stopping to censor myself." i went on to say "in fact, i would love to just say 'fuck off' to someone. just once--fuck off."

i have finally arrived at a place where i can't be a doormat anymore. not for anyone. not for family, friends or employers. i took a risk and told someone with whom i was doing work for, well no let me correct that--for someone with whom i was SUPPOSED to be doing work for but this someone couldn't get their act together and come up with a working plan for me--i took a risk, said what i needed, pointed out how they were not meeting this need, and said i can't do this anymore. i cannot work for people who do not meet these needs. felt so damn good. i hesitated because i am the type who doesn't like to let things go until i can see a replacement situation. and being this involves money and being i am not making nearly what i desire nor deserve, that created even more hesitation. but something in me said "do it. trust. speak your truth." and i did. and it felt oh so fucking awesome.

i still have the desire to say "you're a flake". why is that? i can speak respectfully and assertively but still have that part of me that wants to say "you're a flake. fuck off."

i have learned no one will come to my rescue and speak for me or defend me. well ok, either than my spouse. he'd go to bat for me in a heartbeat and at times i have to literally hold him back from going on the attack on my behalf. he's a big guy who wouldn't hesitate in kicking the shit out of anyone who harmed me, intentionally or not. while i love that about him, i know that wouldn't make me feel any better about myself. i have a voice. it's time i use it more effectively and assertively.

i have endlessly let people cut in front of me in line (although do that in traffic and i'll "fuck you" from the safety of my car). i have let people's children run into me without saying a word. i have let certain family members lie to me and say ugly things all while i take it in without a word. i have let employers dick me around with excuses while i do nothing but take a deep breath and pretend things are ok. i have let people promise me one thing and not deliver and not say a damn thing other than "oh that's ok." NO IT'S NOT. NONE OF IT IS OK WITH ME. ENOUGH.

there is conflict within me as to how to speak my mind. i have studied non-violent communication and while i love how you focus on your needs and how they are being unmet, there is no room to tell someone to "fuck off". that is considered an act of violence. but isn't it ok to be violent at times? i mean come on, don't some people at certain times have a big "fuck off" coming their way??? i have a big list of situations with certain individuals who are worthy of such an outburst from yours truly. i remember once as a teen, my parents were, in my teenage mind, being unreasonably unfair. after trying to communicate with them, realizing i was getting nowhere, i became so enraged with teenage angst that i blurted out "you two are FUCKED". emphasis intended. ooooh, how great that felt. however, that relief was immediately replaced with fear. terror, actually. i had never muttered that word before in their presence. visions of beatings and being thrown out onto the streets raced through my mind. however, my parents were too shocked to do or say anything. instead, after their eyes returned to the front of their sockets and their jaws returned to their appropriate setting, they simply acted as though that word had never been spoken.

i felt a boost of power that day. for indeed, sometimes in speaking one's truth, there is nothing more powerful, direct and eloquent as a good old-fashioned "fuck you" to make your point. i must remember that........

An Eye-Opening Quiz

how many planets are needed if everyone were to sustain your level of living? i rate a 1.6, which was a bit of shocker considering our house is small, i buy locally as much as i am able, we recycle and resuse a lot and we don't much many miles on our car (part of that is due to needing transmission work). i'd like to bring it down to 1. playing around with the quiz, i lowered it to 1.1 simply by moving to a different country...... check it out: www.myfootprint.org

defining "progressive"

i'm not sure what the term "progressive" means anymore. i used to think it meant those things that are counter to the status quo--over-consumption, greed, staggering cost of living, class system, etc. however, i am beginning to see where it really means "ok we wish to see change but only if i don't have to change my behavior." case in point. i saw a flyer for a house for rent. tiny 2 bedroom. the owners say they are progressive, into sustainability. their home is on a small lot with organic veggie beds and fruit trees. tiny house on tiny lot. all for only $850/month. they had me hopeful until i saw the price. what typical renter can afford that price? if they were truly progressive, they would make it affordable for everyone.

visiting a website that labels itself "progressive", i have seen similar behavior. i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive who have said: "well, you know, folks who have to declare bankruptcy usually have a character flaw that leads them to be in this situation to begin with." yep. even sadder is that few people challenged this outrageous and arrogant statement. (i kept reading, hoping the reader would point out the character flaws of our government and the elite that have both created and kept the class system going.) i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive that "health care costs need to be made more affordable." nothing about universal coverage for all. and i have read statements by people who call themselves progressive who support NAFTA and think the solution is "more education so that we produce more engineers, high-tech personnel and doctors and less lawyers and social workers". unbelievable. and utterly naive.

i am sickened by people who drive suv's and slap bumperstickers on their car with sayings such as: "proud to be democrat" or "kerry/edwards" or "live simply". go on home to your big home in the subarbs, look through your stock portfolio and fall asleep watching your big screen tv with satellite dish. when you fully wake up and examine your own excessive consumption and realize how that is harming the planet and making it so millions of others are unable to create a safe, sustainable existance, THEN you can share your ideals with the world.

it's time to define what progressive means. i think i can come up with some ideas that fall under the term "progressive". health care for all. affordable housing for all (and housing that is practical--unless you have 9 children, which hopefully at least 6 have been adopted, no one needs a 3,000 plus square foot home). employment that provides a living wage, vacation, sick leave and retirement for all. clean air to breathe. healthy, abundant food that is free from pesticides and hormones. a safe environment. clean, running water. an elimination of the class system. redistribute the wealth. people first, profits second. living in a way that doesn't take away the right of another to live in the same manner, or put another way: live in balance with the earth and with your neighbors.

Excuse Me. I'm Not a Christian. Please Bring Me the Koran.

newly elected democratic keith ellison is refusing to pledge his oath of office by swearing on the bible. instead, being he's muslim, he wishes to use the koran. makes sense to me. but of course, being this is, according to the wacko's, a "christian nation", there are uproars from some religious folks.

i'm an american. i remember hearing we are all free to worship (or not) any god, statue or food item of our choice. i could care less what book a member of congress chooses to put their hands upon when taking the oath of office. i care about the person's character and how well they will serve their constituents. they could put their hand on "my pet goat" for all i care. (perhaps bush would have been better served by swearing on this book instead of the bible.) and lest we all forget: placing their hands upon this described holy book has not kept our representatives from lying and stealing and cheating you and i.

maybe we need to pick a new book altogether. scrap the religious books. people are very protective and thus passionately intense about their religious beliefs, so much so it can cloud their eyes to other ways of viewing the cosmos and the world. america is expanding. people of different color, ethnicity and religions are entering the polical arena. using a generic book, one free of religious connotations, may be a good idea. as such, i would like to present my list of ideas. please feel free to add your own.........

1) oh the places you will go, by dr. seuss. a beautifully written, simple book about encouragement and the ups and down of life. a good book to remind our elected officials that we are all in this life together.

2) all i really needed to know i learned in kindergarten, by robert fulghum. another simple book with a grand focus on respect, sharing and listening, values oh so needed in our government.

3) who's the boss, by nina and the rest of america. an excellent guidebook that reminds our government that we the people have the power to hire and fire them, we pay their salaries and their benefits and therefore, they work for us.

following the in's and out's of my blog readers

i have one of those counter's that allow me to see who has viewed my blog, their location, how long they visited (which isn't very long--perhaps i need to spice things up a bit), their referring page and their out page. some of these in and out pages have been quite interesting.

take for instance a recent viewer. this person's referring page was a site containing nude photos of a young woman. (how the hell this person went from this woman's page to mine, i haven't a clue. you certainly won't find nudie pics on this blog nor do i search for nudie pics myself. and even if i did, i would most definitely be searching for nudie shots of males.) this person's outpage? some christian religious nutcase. ah, the mind of the human being.........can go from looking at pornographic material to reading about the messages of jesus......

hey, i wonder if mark foley was reading my blog.........

this isn't my only viewer who has either entered or exited my blog via a porno site. one viewer entered via a political blog where i had left a comment. this same viewer stuck around for around 10 seconds before heading off for a porno site, likely disappointed i didn't have anything but words to offer.

i've had a few readers from d.c. if perhaps some are homeland security employees "just poking around" they were likely disappointed. i removed all potentially incriminating posts months ago. but just in case they are making an occasional visit, here's a carrot to dangle in front of their eyes: george bush is a giant poopiehead