In the midst of this hellhole called third dimensional living, the truth is we're all alone.
Not that anyone really cares what I think. (Yeah, I know--passive-aggressive behavior. Today, simply do not care.)
I want to throw in the towel. Give up. I have no close family connections. Given up on that one. I feel old and tired. I have to push myself to even WANT to get out of bed. Most mornings I awaken, only to sigh. Damn planet is still here and I on it. For 20 years I've searched for my purpose. I've done the self-help stuff. Done the affirmations and the visualizations. Made the vision boards. Done the journaling. In short, I've done the work. And this is the result?
Maybe the whole "what is my purpose" concept is nothing more than a distraction. I have some acquaintances. I've learned it's next to impossible to really make friends once you're into your adult years. Most people I know are friends with their siblings or family or friends from their younger years. Or else they aren't really wanting a friendship or don't have the time or energy to expand their current circle. Or else they move.
Yes, I am creating quite the pity party for myself. But as I said above, I simply don't care. It is at it is. I feel as I feel. I don't feel like I own my life. Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore or what I really want. When I think about that, all I get is "I want a million dollars". Seriously. That's what comes to me.
I've searched out avenues for help and support and gotten burned as a result. I know people whose lives have been simple(r) or full of support don't get this. In fact, I can bet any such person would have already stopped reading by now. Who wants to see a person suffering and actually do something?
I need a hole to crawl into.
And an angel would be nice, too.