TGIF. Not Really.

In the midst of this hellhole called third dimensional living, the truth is we're all alone.

Not that anyone really cares what I think. (Yeah, I know--passive-aggressive behavior. Today, simply do not care.)

I want to throw in the towel. Give up. I have no close family connections. Given up on that one. I feel old and tired. I have to push myself to even WANT to get out of bed. Most mornings I awaken, only to sigh. Damn planet is still here and I on it. For 20 years I've searched for my purpose. I've done the self-help stuff. Done the affirmations and the visualizations. Made the vision boards. Done the journaling. In short, I've done the work. And this is the result?

Maybe the whole "what is my purpose" concept is nothing more than a distraction. I have some acquaintances. I've learned it's next to impossible to really make friends once you're into your adult years. Most people I know are friends with their siblings or family or friends from their younger years. Or else they aren't really wanting a friendship or don't have the time or energy to expand their current circle. Or else they move.

Yes, I am creating quite the pity party for myself. But as I said above, I simply don't care. It is at it is. I feel as I feel. I don't feel like I own my life. Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore or what I really want. When I think about that, all I get is "I want a million dollars". Seriously. That's what comes to me.

I've searched out avenues for help and support and gotten burned as a result. I know people whose lives have been simple(r) or full of support don't get this. In fact, I can bet any such person would have already stopped reading by now. Who wants to see a person suffering and actually do something?

I need a hole to crawl into.

And an angel would be nice, too.


Devin said...

Nina -you can consider me an angel for you if you want-but I feel very very much as you do anymore!! I keep thinking-WTF is the point? I feel largely that I am just taking up space anymore-and it seems like more of my life erodes daily like the shoreline of a beach-The only person I really try to stay strong for anymore is my mom-and I feel like I am sinking her too-altho she never acts this way! wishing for better days for both of us soon!!

Anonymous said...

I totally relate too what you are saying about life!I just want to hit the pause button untill I feel ready to deal with anymore crappy energy,people affecting my life in negetive ways!scifigoat.

Nina said...

honest to f'ing god...i just wonder why i'm here when i dislike the ways of the system and dislike this 3D existance. i'm done with thinking "but it could be so much easier....different.....more loving....." of course it could. but it's not going to happen in our lifetimes. my faith in humanity embracing and actually working toward a paradise has been shattered. hence--why the hell am i here when what i desire so deeply is simply out of the realm of reality? most days i simply feel like a pawn where my wishes, desires and needs are completely and totally overlooked and ignored.

thanks for the comments. : )

Pugs in Space said...

Your angel is on its way ;)

Devin said...

Just checking in to say hi Nina and I hope you are doing better and that your family is doing great! It can be very trying also I have noticed if people like you and me -and many others i am sure have noticed this-who believe in things that others laugh at-I had an experience like this recently with someone I care about-he didn't really laugh but said, "You and your conspiracy theories!" it kinda made me feel even more blah-for a bit i tried to work a bit on my blog and writing to get out of depressed feeling-but now I just feel damn tired-didn't do crap this weekend!! I hope Pugs is right and your angel is on the way-and please ask him if she or he has a friend to stop by my place when the angel gets to you!:-) all the best to you my friend!!

Nina said...

thank you devin. i will ask for angelic help to come your way. :) i'm doing better. just been a very trying couple of weeks but i'm coming out of it and feeling everything is ok. i'll blog more about it in the upcoming weeks. i'm also contemplating starting another blog altogether.

i'm kind of focused on other things at the moment so wordly events don't have much room on my plate--which is a good thing. the past few months i've felt less of a need to talk about the goings-on in the world. today, that need is almost nonexistant. certainly not where it once was. i had a family member over yesterday and he spoke of political happenings. he and i had totally different pov's on a couple of subjects--but it just wasn't worth it to me to argue or express my pov. i'm fine w/what i believe and that's all that really matters.

remember--there's a lot to be said for NOT doing and just being--however that is. you need to rest--just rest. thanks for checking in devin. remember you can always e-mail me, too. : )

nolocontendere said...