2.28.2007
in search of a couch
My spouse and I are looking for a couch. We prefer a solid color, brushed/soft fabric, green or burgundy or purple/plum color. Must be comfortable--NO SAGGING. We can haul and are willing to spend up to $125. If anybody in Corvallis is looking to sell such a couch, please leave me a comment. Please help! We've been sitting on a worn out, ugly plaid couch with scratchy, torn up fabric for years and have finally saved up enough to get us something nice. It's been so uncomfortable, we've had to put plywood under the cushions. That helped for awhile but now the padding is worn out, so sitting on it is literally a pain in the ass. We've resorted to putting a comforter on it for some extra padding. Ugh. : )
you say you want a revolution........
i love the beatles. i love their music. and while i love love love their song "revolution", i've always had issue with the line "but if you wanna talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out." ok, maybe not always. in the past, back when my wages were decent and health care and housing affordability wasn't a really big issue, i loved the song in its entirety. i believed the problem was that i needed to free my mind instead. and i could resist the need to revolt in an aggressive way because, afterall, don'tcha know it's gonna be allright.
well "allright" has yet to happen and i have grown up and out of the new age/hippie la la land to know that freedom is not just a state of mind. and today i am tired of hearing rich types spew such mantras. being poor in america 30 plus years ago was a lot different than it is today. take my dad. he grew up in the 40's, poor as you can imagine. his mama worked part-time in a dry cleaning facility. papa was a jeweler, who oddly enough in his eccentric ways, refused money for his services but rather, suits. despite all of this, they owned a home. it wasn't glamourous by any means. in fact, it was old and run down. but they owned it and the land that it sat on. today if you are poor, you can barely afford to rent a home much less own it. bottom line, incomes have not kept up with the cost of, well, everything. back then you could be poor and yet still own a house and get by with just one person working.
today as i wrote out my bills, i longed to write "electricity monopoly" and "insurance monopoly" in the "pay to" section. and one look at my city of corvallis water bill brought forth a scream. $58 fucking dollars?! upon closer inspection i noticed, quite inconspicuously, a little note that said as of february 1st, water would be rising approximately 4.3% per month. nice of them to tell us this after the fact. 4.3%. hmmmm. my hourly rate did jump up last month. let me calculate how much................. .025%. water bill, up 4.3%. electricity up another 7% this past year (approximately 35% in the past 5 years). rent, 10%. my income, up .025%. spouses, up .050%. yep, seems fair to me!
i wonder if john lennon is paying attention. if so, i wonder what he would have to say today.......
well "allright" has yet to happen and i have grown up and out of the new age/hippie la la land to know that freedom is not just a state of mind. and today i am tired of hearing rich types spew such mantras. being poor in america 30 plus years ago was a lot different than it is today. take my dad. he grew up in the 40's, poor as you can imagine. his mama worked part-time in a dry cleaning facility. papa was a jeweler, who oddly enough in his eccentric ways, refused money for his services but rather, suits. despite all of this, they owned a home. it wasn't glamourous by any means. in fact, it was old and run down. but they owned it and the land that it sat on. today if you are poor, you can barely afford to rent a home much less own it. bottom line, incomes have not kept up with the cost of, well, everything. back then you could be poor and yet still own a house and get by with just one person working.
today as i wrote out my bills, i longed to write "electricity monopoly" and "insurance monopoly" in the "pay to" section. and one look at my city of corvallis water bill brought forth a scream. $58 fucking dollars?! upon closer inspection i noticed, quite inconspicuously, a little note that said as of february 1st, water would be rising approximately 4.3% per month. nice of them to tell us this after the fact. 4.3%. hmmmm. my hourly rate did jump up last month. let me calculate how much................. .025%. water bill, up 4.3%. electricity up another 7% this past year (approximately 35% in the past 5 years). rent, 10%. my income, up .025%. spouses, up .050%. yep, seems fair to me!
i wonder if john lennon is paying attention. if so, i wonder what he would have to say today.......
2.25.2007
a leak in the housing bubble here in benton county
a visit to foreclosures.com shows there may, at least, finally be a noticable leak in the housing bubble. housing in benton county, in particular corvallis, is so obscenely over-priced. i first visited the foreclosure website around 4 years ago. at that time, there was only a couple of foreclosures in corvallis and one in philomath. today? 14. 26 more are in preforeclosure status. one of the sufferers? kip schoning, local real estate mogul turned slumlord. ah, karma is a beautiful thing, ain't it? if you see a property with a red door and a for rent sign, run as fast as you can, far far away. my spouse and i have checked out several of these properties in the past when we have been in the market for a home to rent. we walked away from each property, laughing. NO THANK YOU in one of the homes, the floor actually slanted. i remember thinking how in the hell can this be legal to rent?
while a part of me doesn't wish to see people lose their homes, the part of me that longs to own a home of my own and is oh so tired of being pissed as hell that despite both my spouse and i working we are not able to afford one, well, i want to see something change. i want to see the bubble burst (or at least spring a leak) and home prices brought back down to where they should have remained--keeping up with inflation. i know that would mean a lot of financial suffering for many, but hell, that has been my life for long enough. if people have to deal with loss so that folks like myself and my spouse can finally get into a home of our own, then so be it. i've been screaming for years my ideas on sharing the wealth, my thoughts about balance and how economies collapse when they are out of balance for so long. who has listened? certainly no one of real importance (to the world that is).
one day, perhaps very soon, people will remember my words and they will say "maybe she had a point. maybe we should have listened to her."
while a part of me doesn't wish to see people lose their homes, the part of me that longs to own a home of my own and is oh so tired of being pissed as hell that despite both my spouse and i working we are not able to afford one, well, i want to see something change. i want to see the bubble burst (or at least spring a leak) and home prices brought back down to where they should have remained--keeping up with inflation. i know that would mean a lot of financial suffering for many, but hell, that has been my life for long enough. if people have to deal with loss so that folks like myself and my spouse can finally get into a home of our own, then so be it. i've been screaming for years my ideas on sharing the wealth, my thoughts about balance and how economies collapse when they are out of balance for so long. who has listened? certainly no one of real importance (to the world that is).
one day, perhaps very soon, people will remember my words and they will say "maybe she had a point. maybe we should have listened to her."
2.23.2007
a modicum of hope for the MSM
ok, so it's a local news station. hope is hope i figure. i have no link for this given i just witnessed it on tv less than 15 minutes ago. eugene's KMTR news station aired a report on this evening's 5pm broadcast about the x-ray scanning machine at the arizona airport--the one that gives screeners an intimate view of what's underneath our clothing. renee mccullough, one of the news anchors, was covering the piece and added that two other airports were considering adding this technology sometime in the upcoming year. i don't recall what the other two airports are as i wasn't paying close attention. however, what she added at the end prompted me into alert mode. she said, "well, that is three places i won't be traveling to this year." wow. a sign of defiance. it's about time. "rock on sister!" i said to the tv screen, raising a saluted fist into the air as a sign of solidarity.
the look on her face was a combination of "woops" and "darn right". her co-anchor smiled as well in a way that said "yep, she said it allright" and "ok what do we do next".
if we all say "no" to traveling to airports that use this invasive means of looking for box cutters, etc., they will have no choice but to listen to us. start a new trend. "if you wish to view my private cohorts, i won't be passing through your airports."
the look on her face was a combination of "woops" and "darn right". her co-anchor smiled as well in a way that said "yep, she said it allright" and "ok what do we do next".
if we all say "no" to traveling to airports that use this invasive means of looking for box cutters, etc., they will have no choice but to listen to us. start a new trend. "if you wish to view my private cohorts, i won't be passing through your airports."
2.20.2007
little bit o' this, little bit o' that........as heard on talk radio
i haven't listened to talk radio in years. i used to listen to it at a former place of employment to pass the time. lately, given the tedious and boring nature of my current job, i realized i needed some outside distraction to make the time pass quicker. thus i began listening to talk radio again. i was hoping for more progressive or at least more balanced talk. i searched and searched. not even npr could enlighten or soothe me........ if it's possible, these freaks have become even more ridiculous in their babbling barrage of bullshit.
1) john edwards came out today and announced israel is the greatest threat to world peace. according to michael savage, anyone who supports that position is an anti-semite. did you know that? i'm jewish (by blood only) and while i can't quite say if they are THE greatest threat, they certainly don't score any bonus points for peace with me. (i'm not a fan of john edwards but i am silently cheering him for having the balls to bring the other side of middle east politics to light.)
2) rush limbaugh has been nominated for a nobel peace prize. i know, i know. are you peeing your pants yet from hysterical bursts of laughter? i haven't heard yet for what and that continues to be my question. i'm thinking it's a public relations ploy. if anything, it gives me a good case of the giggles whenever i hear him plug the news. the day rush is a nobel peace prize winner is the day i convert to his brilliant political philosophy.
3) our own albany/corvallis company morse bros. is changing its name to "knife river". (check on the spelling if you wish. i'm too lazy.) knife river is a mega corporation based out of north dakota. they currently "own" (a polite term for "sleazy takeover") 60 other companies. they have owned morse. bros. for the past 9 years, but for some reason, are only now deciding to change the name. why? well according to morse bros. it is to "better serve our customers". ok and how many people are going to buy that with a smile and a nod? watch out all vendors and customers of morse. bros. things are about ready to go even more corporate on your watch and dollar.
4) our brilliant oregon legislatures have decided not to pass legislation making it a traffic offense to talk on the cell phone whilst driving. instead, they decided on a bill that said police may ticket a driver if they are noticeably distracted as a result of talking on their cell phone. now see, the thing is, police can already ticket a motorist for showing signs of being distracted whilst driving, irregardless of what the driver's chosen "distracting" activity is. no way will this change the behavior of stupid ass motorists who "think" they can drive and talk at the same time. while i dislike government intrusion, after having experienced numerous near-miss collisions myself and having witnessed numerous near-miss collisions not to mention the numerous times i have seen people run red lights and stop signs, all resulting from people driving and talking, i was in strong support of ticketing these morons.
5) and once again, the people in the state of oregon are crying how we need more money, more taxes raised, for our children, our schools. give me a break. tax the corporations at the level they deserve to be and you'll have your funding. until then, quit expecting your neighbors to cough it up. start running the schools like any other business and STOP running it like a beaucratic governmental nightmare that it is. lookit the truth, people. and speak up about it. this ongoing whine of "we need more money" has yet to fix the fiasco of public education. i had the privilege to speak with and interview the former assistant superintendent of corvallis public schools a few years ago when i was a freelance writer for a local publication. also sitting in on the meeting was someone from accounting. i was shown a chart. 85 cents for every dollar given to education goes to teacher's salaries and benefits. that's right. EIGHTY-FIVE CENTS. that means a whopping 15 cents goes to our kids. a large part of the problem was, if you haven't already guessed, the huge increase in health insurance coverage.
6) lots of backlash aimed at and against illegal immigrants that is, in my opinion, misguided. lets throw it where it belongs... on the employers who hire these folks... on government officials, who now brilliantly are discussing whether to give these folks social security and workers comp. benefits. but of course what the people don't want to see, or won't see, or can't see because they're too glued to the babble that comes out of the mouths of the MSM and talk radio garbage, is that our government obviously wants these people infiltrating into our country. there's money to be made from hiring an illegal. big biz and uncle sam know that and thus, will allow it to continue. just follow the money and you'll find the answers. and given the upcoming North American Union, a beautiful marriage of america, canada and mexico, we will only see more of the same.
6) did you know that america is going to hell quickly, in large part, because gays and lesbians are allowed to continue living together and are allowed to adopt? i did not know that. dang. and here i foolishly thought it was due to government corruption and big business greed. whew. at least now i know who to blame. ranting about uncle sam and his mistress big "bosom" biz was getting very tiring!
1) john edwards came out today and announced israel is the greatest threat to world peace. according to michael savage, anyone who supports that position is an anti-semite. did you know that? i'm jewish (by blood only) and while i can't quite say if they are THE greatest threat, they certainly don't score any bonus points for peace with me. (i'm not a fan of john edwards but i am silently cheering him for having the balls to bring the other side of middle east politics to light.)
2) rush limbaugh has been nominated for a nobel peace prize. i know, i know. are you peeing your pants yet from hysterical bursts of laughter? i haven't heard yet for what and that continues to be my question. i'm thinking it's a public relations ploy. if anything, it gives me a good case of the giggles whenever i hear him plug the news. the day rush is a nobel peace prize winner is the day i convert to his brilliant political philosophy.
3) our own albany/corvallis company morse bros. is changing its name to "knife river". (check on the spelling if you wish. i'm too lazy.) knife river is a mega corporation based out of north dakota. they currently "own" (a polite term for "sleazy takeover") 60 other companies. they have owned morse. bros. for the past 9 years, but for some reason, are only now deciding to change the name. why? well according to morse bros. it is to "better serve our customers". ok and how many people are going to buy that with a smile and a nod? watch out all vendors and customers of morse. bros. things are about ready to go even more corporate on your watch and dollar.
4) our brilliant oregon legislatures have decided not to pass legislation making it a traffic offense to talk on the cell phone whilst driving. instead, they decided on a bill that said police may ticket a driver if they are noticeably distracted as a result of talking on their cell phone. now see, the thing is, police can already ticket a motorist for showing signs of being distracted whilst driving, irregardless of what the driver's chosen "distracting" activity is. no way will this change the behavior of stupid ass motorists who "think" they can drive and talk at the same time. while i dislike government intrusion, after having experienced numerous near-miss collisions myself and having witnessed numerous near-miss collisions not to mention the numerous times i have seen people run red lights and stop signs, all resulting from people driving and talking, i was in strong support of ticketing these morons.
5) and once again, the people in the state of oregon are crying how we need more money, more taxes raised, for our children, our schools. give me a break. tax the corporations at the level they deserve to be and you'll have your funding. until then, quit expecting your neighbors to cough it up. start running the schools like any other business and STOP running it like a beaucratic governmental nightmare that it is. lookit the truth, people. and speak up about it. this ongoing whine of "we need more money" has yet to fix the fiasco of public education. i had the privilege to speak with and interview the former assistant superintendent of corvallis public schools a few years ago when i was a freelance writer for a local publication. also sitting in on the meeting was someone from accounting. i was shown a chart. 85 cents for every dollar given to education goes to teacher's salaries and benefits. that's right. EIGHTY-FIVE CENTS. that means a whopping 15 cents goes to our kids. a large part of the problem was, if you haven't already guessed, the huge increase in health insurance coverage.
6) lots of backlash aimed at and against illegal immigrants that is, in my opinion, misguided. lets throw it where it belongs... on the employers who hire these folks... on government officials, who now brilliantly are discussing whether to give these folks social security and workers comp. benefits. but of course what the people don't want to see, or won't see, or can't see because they're too glued to the babble that comes out of the mouths of the MSM and talk radio garbage, is that our government obviously wants these people infiltrating into our country. there's money to be made from hiring an illegal. big biz and uncle sam know that and thus, will allow it to continue. just follow the money and you'll find the answers. and given the upcoming North American Union, a beautiful marriage of america, canada and mexico, we will only see more of the same.
6) did you know that america is going to hell quickly, in large part, because gays and lesbians are allowed to continue living together and are allowed to adopt? i did not know that. dang. and here i foolishly thought it was due to government corruption and big business greed. whew. at least now i know who to blame. ranting about uncle sam and his mistress big "bosom" biz was getting very tiring!
2.15.2007
workin' for a living......
i'm ready for a revolution. let's do it. i'm sick of slaving away for a pitiful wage. i'm especially sick of working for a wealthy university who will not pay me a living wage. i have realized a growing apathy with the work i perform. even though my work benefits and helps the disabled student, i'm tired of working the hours i do only to see the reality of my meager paycheck.
this all hit me like a brick wall recently as i added up my hours. my job has finally, after sticking it out for over a year, turned into the kind of job i was told it would in terms of hours. as i excitedly added up my hours i multiplied them by my hourly rate. my excitement was quickly deflated as i saw the amount. i worked this fucking hard for this many hours and this is all i am going to have to show for it? what's frustrating is that if i were doing this same kind of work for say the forestry or engineering departments, my pay would be double what it is. it's all on what we value and that is money and what stands a better chance of bringing in money to the glorified university: science and technology departments or disability services.
i worked under the table yesterday for someone i know who owns a flower shop. i delivered a lot of beautiful flower arrangements in some big ass (and heavy!) vases yesterday. and again, considering the hours i worked and the type of work i was doing (you try loading and unloading a massive arrangement of exotic flowers out of a small sedan), when i added up the amount i would be receiving, i felt deflated. apathetic. the amount of money people in this town spent alone on flowers was in a way, a bit sickening. i felt like a hypocrite passing the old man on the street, hauling his collection of aluminum cans as i delivered my arrangement of flowers to the next unsuspecting customer. that $50 could have provided that man with 2 weeks worth of food.
that's the kinds of things i think about. and it is that kind of thinking that has prompted my spouse and i to stop honoring the retail frenzy holidays. yesterday was the first valentines day that we didn't spend a dime on each other (not that we have a dime to spend on one another this year). in a way it felt strange, but it also felt empowering. it's just one more moment in our awakening, where we realize living life on autopilot and following the crowd isn't what it's cracked up to be. we are more the types to think "ok so that is how things are. it sucks. how can things be better?"
working for a living is certainly at the top of our agenda. how can we create an income that provides us what we need and desire plus doesn't hurt our bodies in the process. (my spouses position requires a lot of lifting, bending, stooping and standing on hard surfaces. my position requires a lot of repetitive movement with a mouse. both of us deal with physical problems as a result.) i certainly don't buy into the 40 hour work week. i never have. it's a ridiculous amount of time to put into something that most of us don't particularly enjoy, taking us away from the very people we have chosen to be with, the very people with whome we would much prefer to be spending the bulk of our time. give me 20 hours a week doing something i love that pays me what i desire and determine i am worthy of. people have a problem with that concept though. i cannot tell you how many times i have been told i am lazy or demanding and my very favorite, "but nina, that isn't how things are." as though the "how things are" is some rule forever cast in stone, never to be touched. please. it's all simply what people have created it to be. and as i always say (to the annoyance of some), "we can create something new together if we really want."
i ask myself "why did i come here? what is my purpose?" quite often these days. while i am not a religious person, i do believe we go on to a different level of existance. i believe in freedom of choice in this "afterworld" and i believe i made the choice to come here as i did (although i have come to believe i am always in a state of "evolvement" and as such was under some real illusions as to my full potential even in this afterworld including the concepts of reincarnation and karma). now the questions have become "WHY?" and "what am i here to do?" i don't know yet but i hope to know soon because i simply am not enjoying my life the way i know i could. and while i have some modicum of hope that there will be changes in the system (i.e.--wealth will be returned to the citizens who need it most, housing and health care will be brought back into a balance so all can afford, employment will be abundant and will provide living wage for all and if this isn't the case, there will be income assistance programs, etc. etc. etc), i am fairly certain this won't be happening in my lifetime. even the most "progressive" of folks still cling to the notions of rugged individualism and capitalism. but i know that no civilization lasts forever. no system, especially a system that creates so much unbalance, will last long without collapsing. my concern, fear actually, is that if this does happen in my lifetime, another system equally as unfair and lacking in values such as respect and sharing will be created.
but that doesn't have to be the case so long as people open their minds to the knowings and desires of the heart and soul. that takes time, something that is indeed lacking in today's modern way of living. our elected officials have failed to address this. the church has failed to address this. business has failed to address this as has the media. our time is focused on things that keep us away from these knowings and desires. but they're still there. and it is my wish for humanity to open up to them and claim them and unite together in a strong spirit of love for change. i'm oh so very ready and oh so very willing. are you?
this all hit me like a brick wall recently as i added up my hours. my job has finally, after sticking it out for over a year, turned into the kind of job i was told it would in terms of hours. as i excitedly added up my hours i multiplied them by my hourly rate. my excitement was quickly deflated as i saw the amount. i worked this fucking hard for this many hours and this is all i am going to have to show for it? what's frustrating is that if i were doing this same kind of work for say the forestry or engineering departments, my pay would be double what it is. it's all on what we value and that is money and what stands a better chance of bringing in money to the glorified university: science and technology departments or disability services.
i worked under the table yesterday for someone i know who owns a flower shop. i delivered a lot of beautiful flower arrangements in some big ass (and heavy!) vases yesterday. and again, considering the hours i worked and the type of work i was doing (you try loading and unloading a massive arrangement of exotic flowers out of a small sedan), when i added up the amount i would be receiving, i felt deflated. apathetic. the amount of money people in this town spent alone on flowers was in a way, a bit sickening. i felt like a hypocrite passing the old man on the street, hauling his collection of aluminum cans as i delivered my arrangement of flowers to the next unsuspecting customer. that $50 could have provided that man with 2 weeks worth of food.
that's the kinds of things i think about. and it is that kind of thinking that has prompted my spouse and i to stop honoring the retail frenzy holidays. yesterday was the first valentines day that we didn't spend a dime on each other (not that we have a dime to spend on one another this year). in a way it felt strange, but it also felt empowering. it's just one more moment in our awakening, where we realize living life on autopilot and following the crowd isn't what it's cracked up to be. we are more the types to think "ok so that is how things are. it sucks. how can things be better?"
working for a living is certainly at the top of our agenda. how can we create an income that provides us what we need and desire plus doesn't hurt our bodies in the process. (my spouses position requires a lot of lifting, bending, stooping and standing on hard surfaces. my position requires a lot of repetitive movement with a mouse. both of us deal with physical problems as a result.) i certainly don't buy into the 40 hour work week. i never have. it's a ridiculous amount of time to put into something that most of us don't particularly enjoy, taking us away from the very people we have chosen to be with, the very people with whome we would much prefer to be spending the bulk of our time. give me 20 hours a week doing something i love that pays me what i desire and determine i am worthy of. people have a problem with that concept though. i cannot tell you how many times i have been told i am lazy or demanding and my very favorite, "but nina, that isn't how things are." as though the "how things are" is some rule forever cast in stone, never to be touched. please. it's all simply what people have created it to be. and as i always say (to the annoyance of some), "we can create something new together if we really want."
i ask myself "why did i come here? what is my purpose?" quite often these days. while i am not a religious person, i do believe we go on to a different level of existance. i believe in freedom of choice in this "afterworld" and i believe i made the choice to come here as i did (although i have come to believe i am always in a state of "evolvement" and as such was under some real illusions as to my full potential even in this afterworld including the concepts of reincarnation and karma). now the questions have become "WHY?" and "what am i here to do?" i don't know yet but i hope to know soon because i simply am not enjoying my life the way i know i could. and while i have some modicum of hope that there will be changes in the system (i.e.--wealth will be returned to the citizens who need it most, housing and health care will be brought back into a balance so all can afford, employment will be abundant and will provide living wage for all and if this isn't the case, there will be income assistance programs, etc. etc. etc), i am fairly certain this won't be happening in my lifetime. even the most "progressive" of folks still cling to the notions of rugged individualism and capitalism. but i know that no civilization lasts forever. no system, especially a system that creates so much unbalance, will last long without collapsing. my concern, fear actually, is that if this does happen in my lifetime, another system equally as unfair and lacking in values such as respect and sharing will be created.
but that doesn't have to be the case so long as people open their minds to the knowings and desires of the heart and soul. that takes time, something that is indeed lacking in today's modern way of living. our elected officials have failed to address this. the church has failed to address this. business has failed to address this as has the media. our time is focused on things that keep us away from these knowings and desires. but they're still there. and it is my wish for humanity to open up to them and claim them and unite together in a strong spirit of love for change. i'm oh so very ready and oh so very willing. are you?
2.07.2007
summing up global warming......
........as heard last night on coast to coast radio. cannot recall the name of the guest--i tuned in late and only listened for about 15 minutes. the discussion at the moment was global warming, the on-going debates people and the science community engage in--is it a natural cycle or is it human caused. as this guest said, it doesn't matter at this point. he nailed it when he said "the air is a mess. we need to clean it up."
2.04.2007
Just An Example of What Greed Has Done To Our Beautiful Planet
in our species non-stop quest for wealth, we once again see how the need for greed can cause us to do terribly abusive things to the world around us. in this case, people are cutting down trees, destroying what once was a pristine rain forest, in order to claim a few nuggets of gold. it appears as though most of these folks are poor to begin with so their plight, i can honestly and heartfully understand. i know from experience the desperation one feels when living in poverty. i know the stress and the fatigue that goes hand-in-hand with living in poverty. i know the frustration and the anger one feels when watching others bank accounts go through the roof while you work every bit as hard just to make enough to pay the rent and utilities. deep inside you know "this isn't right." and most importantly, "things don't have to be this way."
i want to believe that if i were faced with an opportunity like this, i wouldn't throw my respect for this planet out the window, the way so many of the already wealthy/elite have done. what happens when this forest has been forever destroyed? has our search for riches rendered us blind and worse, utterly uncaring as to the long term consequences? what good is all that wealth when our planet is no longer able to sustain our lifestyles and begins bumping us off (as she is already showing signs of doing)?
i swear to the cosmos we are desperately in need of a new way of living, a new way of being. but first comes first. we need a new way of THINKING.
it's easy to say we need to take away the wealth from the elitists and redistribute it. it's easy to think changing political figures will equally solve the problem. but change has to come from awakening to something new and different, to knowing things can be different. something that doesn't come from inside a book or church. something that comes from within. i'm not a religious person for sure, but when i think about this, that is how i define "god". that part of us that has always been there. that part of us that isn't influenced by the rules of our families, our communities, our society. it's something that cannot be defined. but when you are in tune with it, you know it ain't going anywhere. it's solid. and it always has concern for the well being of everyone and everything. always.
we've lost that. we've lost it in our quest for more. we've lost it in our desire to please those who tell us they are in charge. we've lost it from being told who are are and who we aren't. we've lost it in our anger and in our rage. we've lost it in our apathy and sense of powerlessness, instead thinking of "that's the way things are" as something that is permanent.
i love the song "amazing grace". while i can do without the phrase "that saved a wretch like me", there is an energy that song talks about--that sense of grace. that sense of remembering who you are. it is going to take us remembering that if we are ever to actually see the kind of world we all like to talk about: a world of peace for all life forms.
i want to believe that if i were faced with an opportunity like this, i wouldn't throw my respect for this planet out the window, the way so many of the already wealthy/elite have done. what happens when this forest has been forever destroyed? has our search for riches rendered us blind and worse, utterly uncaring as to the long term consequences? what good is all that wealth when our planet is no longer able to sustain our lifestyles and begins bumping us off (as she is already showing signs of doing)?
i swear to the cosmos we are desperately in need of a new way of living, a new way of being. but first comes first. we need a new way of THINKING.
it's easy to say we need to take away the wealth from the elitists and redistribute it. it's easy to think changing political figures will equally solve the problem. but change has to come from awakening to something new and different, to knowing things can be different. something that doesn't come from inside a book or church. something that comes from within. i'm not a religious person for sure, but when i think about this, that is how i define "god". that part of us that has always been there. that part of us that isn't influenced by the rules of our families, our communities, our society. it's something that cannot be defined. but when you are in tune with it, you know it ain't going anywhere. it's solid. and it always has concern for the well being of everyone and everything. always.
we've lost that. we've lost it in our quest for more. we've lost it in our desire to please those who tell us they are in charge. we've lost it from being told who are are and who we aren't. we've lost it in our anger and in our rage. we've lost it in our apathy and sense of powerlessness, instead thinking of "that's the way things are" as something that is permanent.
i love the song "amazing grace". while i can do without the phrase "that saved a wretch like me", there is an energy that song talks about--that sense of grace. that sense of remembering who you are. it is going to take us remembering that if we are ever to actually see the kind of world we all like to talk about: a world of peace for all life forms.
2.01.2007
Are You A Disgruntled Worker?
if so, i have just the website for you. come on all you oregonians. come one come all, all of you willamette valley workers. visit and vent, all you under-paid workers of corvallis, albany, portland, salem, eugene. let the world know how truly disgruntled you are. release some pressure without doing something that will land you in jail. stick it to the "man" who sticks it to you everyday.
ok, i've run out of cliches. go have some fun!
nina
ok, i've run out of cliches. go have some fun!
nina
1.31.2007
If You Could See What I See
a little spin on sylvia brown's book.........
i see a world where people have forgotten who they are
i see a world where money has become more valuable than people
i see a world where the belief is war is necessary
i see a world full of "adults" who haven't a clue how to compromise, work through their differences or how to accept those differences
i see a world where acts of corruption and crime go ignored while acts of dissent are punished
i see a world where the personal lives of celebrities are more newsworthy than the suffering of persons in war torn countries
i see a world where people pray to a god they think is the right god of choice
i see a world where people worship this god then abuse, neglect and kill themselves and one another
i see a world where people blame a being they call satan whenever a human being does something horrifying
i see a world where energy sources such as wind, solar and the ocean have yet to be embraced in the way nuclear, coal and oil are
i see this world and i cry.
i see this world and i scream in rage.
then i remember again who i am.
and i cry some more.
and i rage some more.
and then i feel a sense of hope.
and i continue on.
i see a world where people have forgotten who they are
i see a world where money has become more valuable than people
i see a world where the belief is war is necessary
i see a world full of "adults" who haven't a clue how to compromise, work through their differences or how to accept those differences
i see a world where acts of corruption and crime go ignored while acts of dissent are punished
i see a world where the personal lives of celebrities are more newsworthy than the suffering of persons in war torn countries
i see a world where people pray to a god they think is the right god of choice
i see a world where people worship this god then abuse, neglect and kill themselves and one another
i see a world where people blame a being they call satan whenever a human being does something horrifying
i see a world where energy sources such as wind, solar and the ocean have yet to be embraced in the way nuclear, coal and oil are
i see this world and i cry.
i see this world and i scream in rage.
then i remember again who i am.
and i cry some more.
and i rage some more.
and then i feel a sense of hope.
and i continue on.
1.21.2007
an abused little girl without a real voice
i have a dear friend who lives in colorado. she is trying to regain full custody of one of her children who has been terribly abused by the father. it is such a long, detailed, insanely frustrating story, i'll skip the details and instead ask if there is anyone who knows of a good attorney, experienced with the family court system, who, most importantly, believes in LETTING THE CHILD HAVE A VOICE and who is licensed to practice in Colorado. i have seen the changes in this child since she has been with her dad. she is overweight. she deals with chronic urinary tract infections/problems. she is depressed--as she told me--her hobbies are watching tv and sleeping. this from a little girl who used to love soccer and riding her bike. she is also acts out a lot in these terrifying fits of rage and has become very clingy, especially towards males who show any sign of loving affection. what is almost as sickening is how many times this little girl has told counselors and the most recent social worker, "i am afraid of my daddy. i don't want to live with him. i want to live with my mommy."
my friend called me yesterday, in tears, sounding utterly exhausted. her recent attempt failed to convince the system that this little girl needs to be removed from dad's custody and returned to live with mom. i asked her "didn't [little girls name] talk with the investigator and tell her she wanted to live with you and that she was afraid of her daddy?" yep. "what about the statement i provided, saying the dramatic changes i've observed in her since she has been living with her dad?" that was included but obviously, discounted, just like the little girl's statement. after going through my own period of disbelief and tears and anger, i told her we won't give up. we'll find a good attorney. the truth shall prevail. we will go public if we have to. start a website.
we've all heard conspiratory statements and stories such as "you can buy justice" and "the family court system is corrupt". given my friends long-standing ordeal, i can say that at times, these statements are not conspiratorial but are rather, truth.
any help is so greatly appreciated. it is for a child. a little girl who has, in her short time on this earth, seen enough ugliness, experienced enough abuse and neglect. it is time someone speak for her, or at the very least, let her voice be heard. and counted.
nina
my friend called me yesterday, in tears, sounding utterly exhausted. her recent attempt failed to convince the system that this little girl needs to be removed from dad's custody and returned to live with mom. i asked her "didn't [little girls name] talk with the investigator and tell her she wanted to live with you and that she was afraid of her daddy?" yep. "what about the statement i provided, saying the dramatic changes i've observed in her since she has been living with her dad?" that was included but obviously, discounted, just like the little girl's statement. after going through my own period of disbelief and tears and anger, i told her we won't give up. we'll find a good attorney. the truth shall prevail. we will go public if we have to. start a website.
we've all heard conspiratory statements and stories such as "you can buy justice" and "the family court system is corrupt". given my friends long-standing ordeal, i can say that at times, these statements are not conspiratorial but are rather, truth.
any help is so greatly appreciated. it is for a child. a little girl who has, in her short time on this earth, seen enough ugliness, experienced enough abuse and neglect. it is time someone speak for her, or at the very least, let her voice be heard. and counted.
nina
1.20.2007
our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax
it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.
stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us. and oregon democrats are supposed to be amongst the most progressive. please........
we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.
we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax (yet again) a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.
yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?
stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us. and oregon democrats are supposed to be amongst the most progressive. please........
we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.
we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax (yet again) a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.
yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?
our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax
it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.
stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us.
we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.
we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.
yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?
stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us.
we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.
we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.
yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?
1.16.2007
what the fuck does one have to do to attract readers?!
hmm let's try this one. CORVALLIS, OREGON. there, maybe that will actually get this blog of mine to show up on the oregon weblogs page. CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON. (just for good measure.......)
i've read and replied on countless blog websites. since i stopped doing my political pieces and in fact erased them, seems as though my already boring little site has become even more boring. what can i say? my life ain't that interesting. at least to most. and right now, it isn't even interesting to me.
i saw something unbelievably stupid today. some guy was on tv trying to promote food products made with hemp oil. the two female "journalists" who were supposed to be interviewing this man broke into giggles when he presented them hemp brownies. poor guy had to explain to these sad excuses for television journalists that hemps thc count is less than 1% compared to the thc found in marijuana, which ranges from around 5-20/25%, depending on the variety of the plant. these two lame brain females ruined a very viable opportunity for this man to promote the real positive uses of hemp and to present the insanely stupid hemp policies of our u.s. government. thankfully, he was able to get in that 25 states have legislation to legalize it. i wasn't aware of that. this should be national news. we can really save this planet with the hemp plant given it has endless uses, ranging from medicinal (it is very high in omega 3's and is an excellent anti-inflammatory agent) to energy (hemp oil can power our vehicles) to the use of construction to making clothes. and unlike cotton, the plant is highly resistant to pests not to mention it's more durable than cotton, which means clothing that lasts longer and is free of unnecessary, deadly chemicals. and for the freaks who think "oh no, people would grow that marywanna plant amongst the hemp plants"--RELAX. the hemp plant grows to a size much bigger than the typical mj plant and would thus greatly interfere with the ability of the mj plant to receive the light and nutrients it needs.
is it only me or am i the only one who turns on the tv and wonders where all of the true intellectuals have gone..........if yer purty with a perky persona and straight white teeth, we have a job for ya......only u can't think for yourself.
i've read and replied on countless blog websites. since i stopped doing my political pieces and in fact erased them, seems as though my already boring little site has become even more boring. what can i say? my life ain't that interesting. at least to most. and right now, it isn't even interesting to me.
i saw something unbelievably stupid today. some guy was on tv trying to promote food products made with hemp oil. the two female "journalists" who were supposed to be interviewing this man broke into giggles when he presented them hemp brownies. poor guy had to explain to these sad excuses for television journalists that hemps thc count is less than 1% compared to the thc found in marijuana, which ranges from around 5-20/25%, depending on the variety of the plant. these two lame brain females ruined a very viable opportunity for this man to promote the real positive uses of hemp and to present the insanely stupid hemp policies of our u.s. government. thankfully, he was able to get in that 25 states have legislation to legalize it. i wasn't aware of that. this should be national news. we can really save this planet with the hemp plant given it has endless uses, ranging from medicinal (it is very high in omega 3's and is an excellent anti-inflammatory agent) to energy (hemp oil can power our vehicles) to the use of construction to making clothes. and unlike cotton, the plant is highly resistant to pests not to mention it's more durable than cotton, which means clothing that lasts longer and is free of unnecessary, deadly chemicals. and for the freaks who think "oh no, people would grow that marywanna plant amongst the hemp plants"--RELAX. the hemp plant grows to a size much bigger than the typical mj plant and would thus greatly interfere with the ability of the mj plant to receive the light and nutrients it needs.
is it only me or am i the only one who turns on the tv and wonders where all of the true intellectuals have gone..........if yer purty with a perky persona and straight white teeth, we have a job for ya......only u can't think for yourself.
1.15.2007
funerals, raging alcoholics and birthdays, oh my!
last week was supposed to be a week of calm. it was, afterall, my birthday week. i don't just celebrate the day of my birth. i celebrate it as a week long event. i had plans for a haircut, a massage and dinner out. and lots of naps. after last week, i'm still in need of a nap.
to begin with, my spouses former co-worker's wife died very suddenly. whenever i hear of someone dying, i also think about the people i've lost through death. i think we all do. that put a quiet damper on my "yippie it's my birthday week" spirits. i wasn't angry about it. it is and it is, it was as it was. nonetheless, that quiet hush was there.
two nights later, we were awaken at 1am by a loud knock on the door. phone calls in the dead of night are anxiety-producing enough. but a knock on the door?? thinking it was a drunk, lost college kid (which has happened to us before, although not at that hour), we both stumble out of bed, bumping into each other in the dark like a laurel and hardy comedy routine, attempting to find some clothes. "don't open the door!" i whispered loudly. "just look out the patio door!" my spouse beat me in the act of getting dressed and thus was able to see who it was while i was still struggling to put on a t-shirt. seems as though a family member of ours decided to pay us a visit. did i mention he was also drunk? and ready to party? and also angry, raging out of control over his life?
my spouse and i were finally able to get him to calm down. we pacified him with some water, a sleeping bag and the couch. i was terrified for a little while, fearing he was going to hurt us. in fact, i barely slept a wink that night, fearing what he may do. he was hell bent on hurting someone. he kept reiterating that. the next morning, we awoke to find him still there. awake. acting as though everything was fine. i offered to make him some breakfast, which he declined. so i took the dog outside and when i returned inside, he and my spouse were having a screaming match. when i asked what was going on, our family visitor turned his rage on me, which in turn caused my husband to turn up his own anger.
inside i am beginning to seethe on my own. he shows up at 1am, drunk and raging, we give him a place to sleep and he's treating us like this? plus it's my birthday week and i was scheduled to have a massage in a few hours. i had planned on having a good night sleep (which he had basically ruined) and a quiet, peaceful morning to put me in the right state of mind. spouse spoke up first and said he wasn't welcome here if this is how he was going to treat us. he began to rage about how his family doesn't care about him, how they don't want him around. at that point i yelled "maybe it's because how you TREAT your family. because let me tell you, you've been a real ass during this unannounced visit of yours!" that seemed to get through to him. he apologized. we tried talking to him, expressed how concerned we were about him, to which he scoffed at, saying he was fine. we've both dealt with addicts--we know they excuse their behaviors until ready to face themselves in the mirror. so we gave him some cash and a box of food and he was off, acting as though everything, himself included, was fine.
i managed to have a quick nap before my massage, but by the time i arrived, all i wanted to do was be at home in my own bed, left alone to sleep.
the next night we went out to dinner. i was still feeling the effects of the night before. plus we had had some phone conversations with the rest of the family about what had transpired. we learned new things, which caused us to worry even more. what do you do when someone you care about is out of control and refusing help? so......sitting at our table, the restaurant was very crowded and noisy, something i didn't need nor want. the food, yes. the stimulation, no. so i burst into tears halfway through. dealing with death and an out of control family member visit was too much for me to deal with in one week, not to mention the phone calls back and forth to spouses family members to talk about what to do for him. sorry to be so damn selfish but this is my birthday. can't this shit wait until next week??? especially since last year's birthday was such a huge disappointment. it was my big 4 0 and i had had big plans of dinner out and dancing/partying with friends. however, i was very sick from new year's day through the end of the month. i had no voice by the time my birthday arrived and thus couldn't speak. double whammy. i had vowed this year i would be healthy. no stress. a week of calm.
fuck. oh well, at least i was healthy, unless emotional exhaustion counts as a health issue......
the next day we went to the funeral. it was a beautiful ceremony. very well done. beautiful slide show of pictures with really wonderful music. several members of the family spoke, a couple of them grandchildren, who broke into tears. i don't care who you are or how little you know the person who has died. seeing something like that puts you into a cascade of tears. grief is something you simply cannot hide. and i am incapable of being in the same space as someone who is crying and not crying myself. i've missed 2 funerals in the past couple of years, saying i simply cannot do funerals. who can? they are difficult at best. yesterday i realized why i have avoided these funerals. i'm afraid of the pain inside of me, afraid to let others see it. i'm afraid to bond with people (other than my spouse) in those moments of shared grief. i always have been.
as i wept at the funeral, i felt like i was doing something wrong. i had only met this woman a few times. i know her husband on a more personal level, so i was grieving deeply for him. however, i caught myself trying to hold back the tears, fearing others would look at me and say "who is she? we don't know her. who is she to cry?" silly, insecure thoughts i realize. but nonetheless, still there. in time, my insecurities couldn't stop the release that was needed. i cried for the family. i cried for those people i have lost. i cried feeling my husband's own pain as i watched him weep. i cried, in reality, for all of humanity. for the beauty of life, of love, of connection. and i cried for the other side, that bitter, sharp sword of loss and the deep, ugly, beautiful, wrenching pain that follows.
so despite this being a week of tremendous waves of emotional experiences, despite my own selfish anger and my confusion over wanting to both help someone and throw them out into the cold, despite the panic and anxiety i felt and the tears i cried, through it all i did what we all do. i survived and learned a few things about myself by allowing myself to reach out to others from the heart and in brutal honesty. maybe that is the birthday gift i really needed.
to begin with, my spouses former co-worker's wife died very suddenly. whenever i hear of someone dying, i also think about the people i've lost through death. i think we all do. that put a quiet damper on my "yippie it's my birthday week" spirits. i wasn't angry about it. it is and it is, it was as it was. nonetheless, that quiet hush was there.
two nights later, we were awaken at 1am by a loud knock on the door. phone calls in the dead of night are anxiety-producing enough. but a knock on the door?? thinking it was a drunk, lost college kid (which has happened to us before, although not at that hour), we both stumble out of bed, bumping into each other in the dark like a laurel and hardy comedy routine, attempting to find some clothes. "don't open the door!" i whispered loudly. "just look out the patio door!" my spouse beat me in the act of getting dressed and thus was able to see who it was while i was still struggling to put on a t-shirt. seems as though a family member of ours decided to pay us a visit. did i mention he was also drunk? and ready to party? and also angry, raging out of control over his life?
my spouse and i were finally able to get him to calm down. we pacified him with some water, a sleeping bag and the couch. i was terrified for a little while, fearing he was going to hurt us. in fact, i barely slept a wink that night, fearing what he may do. he was hell bent on hurting someone. he kept reiterating that. the next morning, we awoke to find him still there. awake. acting as though everything was fine. i offered to make him some breakfast, which he declined. so i took the dog outside and when i returned inside, he and my spouse were having a screaming match. when i asked what was going on, our family visitor turned his rage on me, which in turn caused my husband to turn up his own anger.
inside i am beginning to seethe on my own. he shows up at 1am, drunk and raging, we give him a place to sleep and he's treating us like this? plus it's my birthday week and i was scheduled to have a massage in a few hours. i had planned on having a good night sleep (which he had basically ruined) and a quiet, peaceful morning to put me in the right state of mind. spouse spoke up first and said he wasn't welcome here if this is how he was going to treat us. he began to rage about how his family doesn't care about him, how they don't want him around. at that point i yelled "maybe it's because how you TREAT your family. because let me tell you, you've been a real ass during this unannounced visit of yours!" that seemed to get through to him. he apologized. we tried talking to him, expressed how concerned we were about him, to which he scoffed at, saying he was fine. we've both dealt with addicts--we know they excuse their behaviors until ready to face themselves in the mirror. so we gave him some cash and a box of food and he was off, acting as though everything, himself included, was fine.
i managed to have a quick nap before my massage, but by the time i arrived, all i wanted to do was be at home in my own bed, left alone to sleep.
the next night we went out to dinner. i was still feeling the effects of the night before. plus we had had some phone conversations with the rest of the family about what had transpired. we learned new things, which caused us to worry even more. what do you do when someone you care about is out of control and refusing help? so......sitting at our table, the restaurant was very crowded and noisy, something i didn't need nor want. the food, yes. the stimulation, no. so i burst into tears halfway through. dealing with death and an out of control family member visit was too much for me to deal with in one week, not to mention the phone calls back and forth to spouses family members to talk about what to do for him. sorry to be so damn selfish but this is my birthday. can't this shit wait until next week??? especially since last year's birthday was such a huge disappointment. it was my big 4 0 and i had had big plans of dinner out and dancing/partying with friends. however, i was very sick from new year's day through the end of the month. i had no voice by the time my birthday arrived and thus couldn't speak. double whammy. i had vowed this year i would be healthy. no stress. a week of calm.
fuck. oh well, at least i was healthy, unless emotional exhaustion counts as a health issue......
the next day we went to the funeral. it was a beautiful ceremony. very well done. beautiful slide show of pictures with really wonderful music. several members of the family spoke, a couple of them grandchildren, who broke into tears. i don't care who you are or how little you know the person who has died. seeing something like that puts you into a cascade of tears. grief is something you simply cannot hide. and i am incapable of being in the same space as someone who is crying and not crying myself. i've missed 2 funerals in the past couple of years, saying i simply cannot do funerals. who can? they are difficult at best. yesterday i realized why i have avoided these funerals. i'm afraid of the pain inside of me, afraid to let others see it. i'm afraid to bond with people (other than my spouse) in those moments of shared grief. i always have been.
as i wept at the funeral, i felt like i was doing something wrong. i had only met this woman a few times. i know her husband on a more personal level, so i was grieving deeply for him. however, i caught myself trying to hold back the tears, fearing others would look at me and say "who is she? we don't know her. who is she to cry?" silly, insecure thoughts i realize. but nonetheless, still there. in time, my insecurities couldn't stop the release that was needed. i cried for the family. i cried for those people i have lost. i cried feeling my husband's own pain as i watched him weep. i cried, in reality, for all of humanity. for the beauty of life, of love, of connection. and i cried for the other side, that bitter, sharp sword of loss and the deep, ugly, beautiful, wrenching pain that follows.
so despite this being a week of tremendous waves of emotional experiences, despite my own selfish anger and my confusion over wanting to both help someone and throw them out into the cold, despite the panic and anxiety i felt and the tears i cried, through it all i did what we all do. i survived and learned a few things about myself by allowing myself to reach out to others from the heart and in brutal honesty. maybe that is the birthday gift i really needed.
1.11.2007
A Solution to Ending The Fight Between Rosie and The Donald
i'm almost embarassed to even write about this but i just have to say something. each time i sign on to my ISP or attempt to watch any of the news channels on tv, i'm bombarded with pictures and headlines about this stupid childish moronic fight between two adults who are behaving like a miniature george bush in their own right. enough already. i have just the solution.
put them in an interrogation room with the CIA and have them subjected to some mind control experiments where they are given such suggestions as "i support osama bin laden" and "i hate america". then put them both in a room labeled "WMD" and send in some of our soldiers to deal with them. after labeling them "television terrorists", they are tried in a federal court, found guilty of treason, stupidity and wasting the publics time, and are then sent to guantanamo. at which point, their collection of billions in assets are used to build housing for the homeless, provide health care for the uninsured poor and to create a vast network of community gardens to feed the hungry. both are given makeovers--donald's head is shaved and rosie is put on a diet.
both are then required to write one zillion times: "i am an idiot. i am sorry i used (wasted) expensive media time saying such nasty comments about someone i don't even know. the truth was, i was too chicken to deal with him/her in person."
cast your vote in the comment section. or suggest your own solution.
put them in an interrogation room with the CIA and have them subjected to some mind control experiments where they are given such suggestions as "i support osama bin laden" and "i hate america". then put them both in a room labeled "WMD" and send in some of our soldiers to deal with them. after labeling them "television terrorists", they are tried in a federal court, found guilty of treason, stupidity and wasting the publics time, and are then sent to guantanamo. at which point, their collection of billions in assets are used to build housing for the homeless, provide health care for the uninsured poor and to create a vast network of community gardens to feed the hungry. both are given makeovers--donald's head is shaved and rosie is put on a diet.
both are then required to write one zillion times: "i am an idiot. i am sorry i used (wasted) expensive media time saying such nasty comments about someone i don't even know. the truth was, i was too chicken to deal with him/her in person."
cast your vote in the comment section. or suggest your own solution.
1.10.2007
can i please just go back to bed now?
woke up this morning........stumbled out of bed........made me some oatmeal......tossed in some cranberries and walnuts (i ain't a coffee drinker--i rely on real food to get me going in the morning)........decided to check out what was happening out in the world........
first i turned on the tv.........700 club blared at me putting their "positive" spin on the war........next.........rosie o'donnell slamming bush and his iraq policies........ok, more in tune w/my heart but still, she's a grossly over-paid, highly consuming individual who hasn't a clue as to what is really needed in terms of solving the sufferings of humanity..........next.........hey, elmo's on........he's harmless and cute.......adorable and fuzzy.........oh but wait--i forgot--in a drunken moment i spontanteously did a routine on "porn star elmo" and ever since then, i am not able to view him in the same innocent light........
let's check out what the internet has to to say..........iraq veteran returns home to find storage facility has sold his belongings........wtf?.......next........barbara walters "rips" into donald trump ok do not want to hear or read ANOTHER FUCKING WORD about that waste of journalistic filth......next........lots of fluff articles about how to get that winter "glow" with our make-up ladies (gives one chills of excitement just reading that doesn't it?! WOW)......another piece on how to get the body u really want.......oh wait--it says i need to exercise everyday and :::shudder::: give up cheese. nope--ain't gonna happen........especially the cheese part.......
let's check the 'ole e-mail inbox...........work at home opportunity for christians........being i am not christian, i have no clue how that one arrived........delete......."join in with others to stop the carnage".......mass mailing from one of the political organizations i have signed up for over the past few years..........if it weren't butt nipping cold outside, i'd consider it.........delete........and wait, what's this? a reminder to tune into the president's speech tonight where he plans on unveiling his new strategy for iraq.......
sigh. at this point, do you really think i care? do you really think i plan on spending one precious second of my life to hear what he has to say? to quote a man whose work i recently read about bush, "our president is intellectually lazy". that's a kind way of saying he's a self-centered sloth. do i really think the democrats are going to do the right thing and pull out our troops? hell no. why would they? they've shown their true colors by saying there will be no impeachment hearings which reveals the truth of the criminal filth back in d.c. as my girlfriend recently told me: "i've finally realized our government doesn't give a crap about us. that's why i have the desire to live out my days in the mountains in a small cabin with my girls and other folks like myself. all of us self-sufficient."
hear hear. until then, can i please just go back to bed?
first i turned on the tv.........700 club blared at me putting their "positive" spin on the war........next.........rosie o'donnell slamming bush and his iraq policies........ok, more in tune w/my heart but still, she's a grossly over-paid, highly consuming individual who hasn't a clue as to what is really needed in terms of solving the sufferings of humanity..........next.........hey, elmo's on........he's harmless and cute.......adorable and fuzzy.........oh but wait--i forgot--in a drunken moment i spontanteously did a routine on "porn star elmo" and ever since then, i am not able to view him in the same innocent light........
let's check out what the internet has to to say..........iraq veteran returns home to find storage facility has sold his belongings........wtf?.......next........barbara walters "rips" into donald trump ok do not want to hear or read ANOTHER FUCKING WORD about that waste of journalistic filth......next........lots of fluff articles about how to get that winter "glow" with our make-up ladies (gives one chills of excitement just reading that doesn't it?! WOW)......another piece on how to get the body u really want.......oh wait--it says i need to exercise everyday and :::shudder::: give up cheese. nope--ain't gonna happen........especially the cheese part.......
let's check the 'ole e-mail inbox...........work at home opportunity for christians........being i am not christian, i have no clue how that one arrived........delete......."join in with others to stop the carnage".......mass mailing from one of the political organizations i have signed up for over the past few years..........if it weren't butt nipping cold outside, i'd consider it.........delete........and wait, what's this? a reminder to tune into the president's speech tonight where he plans on unveiling his new strategy for iraq.......
sigh. at this point, do you really think i care? do you really think i plan on spending one precious second of my life to hear what he has to say? to quote a man whose work i recently read about bush, "our president is intellectually lazy". that's a kind way of saying he's a self-centered sloth. do i really think the democrats are going to do the right thing and pull out our troops? hell no. why would they? they've shown their true colors by saying there will be no impeachment hearings which reveals the truth of the criminal filth back in d.c. as my girlfriend recently told me: "i've finally realized our government doesn't give a crap about us. that's why i have the desire to live out my days in the mountains in a small cabin with my girls and other folks like myself. all of us self-sufficient."
hear hear. until then, can i please just go back to bed?
1.03.2007
The Insurance Industry Scam
mr. nina and i are in the process of signing up for private health insurance. we selected blue cross. i turned in our paperwork today at the insurance agents office. one of the agents looked it over and said "you should know that there is a high probability you will be turned down." i looked at her increduously. "what do you mean?" i asked. she pointed out our list of health ailments--none of them serious. i laughed and said "but those are issues that most people our age deal with." "i realize that. but nonetheless, you will likely be rejected."
she then went on to tell me about another plan that doesn't reject anybody. it's also owned and operated by guess who? you got it. BLUE CROSS. "oh, i see," i said. "let me guess. we get less coverage and pay a higher premium." yep. $150/month to be exact. and yep, less coverage too, including no vision, which is included in plan we are signing up for. "so let me see if i get this straight. blue cross will likely reject us. but they then will offer us a plan that has less coverage while they get more of our money?" insurance lady just looked at me and said "you could say that."
i could have stayed calm but i decided not to. for those who read my blog, you know i am pissed the farm fuck off at the greed that permeates our culture, creating a system that uses those at the bottom so those at the top can profit and live a life of luxury. i despise the laws and policies that protect these greedy fuckers. i blew a fuse today.
"how can you work in an industry that supports this kind of greed? i don't get that! it's criminal! these folks should be tried in a court of law! escaping into canada is sounding VERY APPEALING at the moment! i have had it with the american way. the capitalist system. had it! SOMETHING needs to be done about this crisis. health insurance should be a RIGHT and not the luxury that it is today! people like myself are going to begin revolting!"
she tried making me feel better by telling me the story of a recent client who was rejected because she has osteoporosis. THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!
i left in a huff, walked outside. even kicked my car and let out a vent of frustration. i was oh so tempted to march down to my spouses place of employment and kick his boss in the ass, demand that he do the right thing and provide his employees insurance. but being i don't wish to see my spouse fired, i decided to call a friend instead and toss back a brownie and some doritos. and given our health insurance situation, i stuffed a few carrots and some broccoli into my mouth as an afterthought. for good measure.
she then went on to tell me about another plan that doesn't reject anybody. it's also owned and operated by guess who? you got it. BLUE CROSS. "oh, i see," i said. "let me guess. we get less coverage and pay a higher premium." yep. $150/month to be exact. and yep, less coverage too, including no vision, which is included in plan we are signing up for. "so let me see if i get this straight. blue cross will likely reject us. but they then will offer us a plan that has less coverage while they get more of our money?" insurance lady just looked at me and said "you could say that."
i could have stayed calm but i decided not to. for those who read my blog, you know i am pissed the farm fuck off at the greed that permeates our culture, creating a system that uses those at the bottom so those at the top can profit and live a life of luxury. i despise the laws and policies that protect these greedy fuckers. i blew a fuse today.
"how can you work in an industry that supports this kind of greed? i don't get that! it's criminal! these folks should be tried in a court of law! escaping into canada is sounding VERY APPEALING at the moment! i have had it with the american way. the capitalist system. had it! SOMETHING needs to be done about this crisis. health insurance should be a RIGHT and not the luxury that it is today! people like myself are going to begin revolting!"
she tried making me feel better by telling me the story of a recent client who was rejected because she has osteoporosis. THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!
i left in a huff, walked outside. even kicked my car and let out a vent of frustration. i was oh so tempted to march down to my spouses place of employment and kick his boss in the ass, demand that he do the right thing and provide his employees insurance. but being i don't wish to see my spouse fired, i decided to call a friend instead and toss back a brownie and some doritos. and given our health insurance situation, i stuffed a few carrots and some broccoli into my mouth as an afterthought. for good measure.
1.02.2007
it's a new year........
astrologically speaking, it's the year of the dragon. numerologically speaking, it's a "9" year (2007=2+0+0+7=9). what does this mean for you and me? i don't know. let us ask the prophecy experts. i listened to quite a few of them last night on coast to coast radio.
lots of storm activity, especially an increase in earthquakes and volcanos along the ring of fire in asia, most particularly japan.
possible nuclear meltdown, or a close call, here in the united states.
new bacterial illness in march.
increased accidents affecting children.
serious fires in the summer.
the pope will deal with health problems in april and october.
merging of oil and television companies. (which was heralded as a good thing by this particular psychic. wtf??)
a major ufo event in chicago.
not that i care, but the careers of rosie o'donnell and katie couric will fizzle this year.
lots of hints at a run in 2008 for al gore, but indicators show this will happen in 2012.
****
those are some highlights. what does this mean for you and i? i don't know. i could get into a major ufo event as long as it's benign, although i don't live near chicago. the health problems of the pope and careers of rosie and katie are of no consequence to me since i believe one is a deviant and the other two are of mediocre talent. what bothered me most was one person's prediction--a dr. louis turi--who said there was a karmic universal energy that was going to be targeting our children. how sick is that? children would be experiencing increased accidents and illness. i thought karma was about what you put out comes back to you. i don't know about you, but i certainly do not believe children put out energy that says "make others sick/destroy". i leave that one to the adults.
i'm not a psychic, but i have had experiences that have come to pass. the day before 9/11, i "knew" something awful was going to happen the next day, that the plans were already in place, and that i could do nothing about it. the morning the challenger crashed, i had a dream where some craft had crashed in a field. i've felt people i am close to "pass" upon their death--before knowing they have left the earth. what do i predict for the new year?
chaos.
questioning.
corruption.
greed.
lies and excuses.
and i also predict there will be a growing trend amongst people like myself who are tired of struggling, who are tired of working to ensure others create more and hold onto their wealth while we go without. we will rise up, come together in unique ways, and begin to talk about new ways of living that create the road to our own personal liberation, freedom and sustainability. in other words, a lot of what we call "modern living" is going to become a dying trend, for the very least of reasons being it has harmed our planet long enough and she, along with people like myself, are speaking up and saying "NO MORE".
happy new year--and may it indeed BE a "new" year.
lots of storm activity, especially an increase in earthquakes and volcanos along the ring of fire in asia, most particularly japan.
possible nuclear meltdown, or a close call, here in the united states.
new bacterial illness in march.
increased accidents affecting children.
serious fires in the summer.
the pope will deal with health problems in april and october.
merging of oil and television companies. (which was heralded as a good thing by this particular psychic. wtf??)
a major ufo event in chicago.
not that i care, but the careers of rosie o'donnell and katie couric will fizzle this year.
lots of hints at a run in 2008 for al gore, but indicators show this will happen in 2012.
****
those are some highlights. what does this mean for you and i? i don't know. i could get into a major ufo event as long as it's benign, although i don't live near chicago. the health problems of the pope and careers of rosie and katie are of no consequence to me since i believe one is a deviant and the other two are of mediocre talent. what bothered me most was one person's prediction--a dr. louis turi--who said there was a karmic universal energy that was going to be targeting our children. how sick is that? children would be experiencing increased accidents and illness. i thought karma was about what you put out comes back to you. i don't know about you, but i certainly do not believe children put out energy that says "make others sick/destroy". i leave that one to the adults.
i'm not a psychic, but i have had experiences that have come to pass. the day before 9/11, i "knew" something awful was going to happen the next day, that the plans were already in place, and that i could do nothing about it. the morning the challenger crashed, i had a dream where some craft had crashed in a field. i've felt people i am close to "pass" upon their death--before knowing they have left the earth. what do i predict for the new year?
chaos.
questioning.
corruption.
greed.
lies and excuses.
and i also predict there will be a growing trend amongst people like myself who are tired of struggling, who are tired of working to ensure others create more and hold onto their wealth while we go without. we will rise up, come together in unique ways, and begin to talk about new ways of living that create the road to our own personal liberation, freedom and sustainability. in other words, a lot of what we call "modern living" is going to become a dying trend, for the very least of reasons being it has harmed our planet long enough and she, along with people like myself, are speaking up and saying "NO MORE".
happy new year--and may it indeed BE a "new" year.
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