1.31.2007

If You Could See What I See

a little spin on sylvia brown's book.........

i see a world where people have forgotten who they are
i see a world where money has become more valuable than people
i see a world where the belief is war is necessary
i see a world full of "adults" who haven't a clue how to compromise, work through their differences or how to accept those differences
i see a world where acts of corruption and crime go ignored while acts of dissent are punished
i see a world where the personal lives of celebrities are more newsworthy than the suffering of persons in war torn countries
i see a world where people pray to a god they think is the right god of choice
i see a world where people worship this god then abuse, neglect and kill themselves and one another
i see a world where people blame a being they call satan whenever a human being does something horrifying
i see a world where energy sources such as wind, solar and the ocean have yet to be embraced in the way nuclear, coal and oil are

i see this world and i cry.
i see this world and i scream in rage.
then i remember again who i am.
and i cry some more.
and i rage some more.
and then i feel a sense of hope.
and i continue on.

1.21.2007

an abused little girl without a real voice

i have a dear friend who lives in colorado. she is trying to regain full custody of one of her children who has been terribly abused by the father. it is such a long, detailed, insanely frustrating story, i'll skip the details and instead ask if there is anyone who knows of a good attorney, experienced with the family court system, who, most importantly, believes in LETTING THE CHILD HAVE A VOICE and who is licensed to practice in Colorado. i have seen the changes in this child since she has been with her dad. she is overweight. she deals with chronic urinary tract infections/problems. she is depressed--as she told me--her hobbies are watching tv and sleeping. this from a little girl who used to love soccer and riding her bike. she is also acts out a lot in these terrifying fits of rage and has become very clingy, especially towards males who show any sign of loving affection. what is almost as sickening is how many times this little girl has told counselors and the most recent social worker, "i am afraid of my daddy. i don't want to live with him. i want to live with my mommy."

my friend called me yesterday, in tears, sounding utterly exhausted. her recent attempt failed to convince the system that this little girl needs to be removed from dad's custody and returned to live with mom. i asked her "didn't [little girls name] talk with the investigator and tell her she wanted to live with you and that she was afraid of her daddy?" yep. "what about the statement i provided, saying the dramatic changes i've observed in her since she has been living with her dad?" that was included but obviously, discounted, just like the little girl's statement. after going through my own period of disbelief and tears and anger, i told her we won't give up. we'll find a good attorney. the truth shall prevail. we will go public if we have to. start a website.

we've all heard conspiratory statements and stories such as "you can buy justice" and "the family court system is corrupt". given my friends long-standing ordeal, i can say that at times, these statements are not conspiratorial but are rather, truth.

any help is so greatly appreciated. it is for a child. a little girl who has, in her short time on this earth, seen enough ugliness, experienced enough abuse and neglect. it is time someone speak for her, or at the very least, let her voice be heard. and counted.

nina

1.20.2007

our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax

it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.

stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us. and oregon democrats are supposed to be amongst the most progressive. please........

we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.

we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax (yet again) a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.

yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?

our brilliant governor wants to impose a "sin" tax

it strikes me as odd, the idea that employers can get away with paying a shitty wage and offering no benefits w/o any pressures from the state, but if someone chooses to smoke, the state wants to penalize them. here in oregon, our governor has a brilliant plan for paying for health care for our children. he wants to impose a new tax on cigarettes.

stupid, stupid, stupid. why doesn't anyone talk about the money already being there? we don't need any new taxes. return the income tax levels of corporations to what they were 20 years ago. if we had a true progressive democratic party, we would be seeing policies that redistribute the wealth. instead, the "blue" party has become one of black and red. black for the wealthy. red for the rest of us.

we all know cigarettes are dangerous. ok, let me restate that. tobacco in and of itself is not that harmful (although of course i am not going to recommend people take up the habit of smoking it). it is the 400+ chemicals that are added that add the greatest threat to our health.

we all have our vices. why is it the democratic party is wanting to tax a vice that, according to research, is used by and large by the lowest income earners? if governor kulongoski really wants to create a new tax, let's impose a new tax on, oh say, people who own and operate leer jets. or let's impose a new tax on all vehicles that are worth more than $20,000. or let's increase the personal income tax for people who make more than $150,000 a year or increase the corporate income tax another few percentage points.

yes, this is indeed a sinful situation. it's a sinful situation because it is a sin to ask for more money from a segment of the population who are already struggling. it is time to change our consciousness, our values. it is time to value people--not just in words, but in action. any other progressives out there up to that task?

1.16.2007

what the fuck does one have to do to attract readers?!

hmm let's try this one. CORVALLIS, OREGON. there, maybe that will actually get this blog of mine to show up on the oregon weblogs page. CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON CORVALLIS OREGON. (just for good measure.......)

i've read and replied on countless blog websites. since i stopped doing my political pieces and in fact erased them, seems as though my already boring little site has become even more boring. what can i say? my life ain't that interesting. at least to most. and right now, it isn't even interesting to me.

i saw something unbelievably stupid today. some guy was on tv trying to promote food products made with hemp oil. the two female "journalists" who were supposed to be interviewing this man broke into giggles when he presented them hemp brownies. poor guy had to explain to these sad excuses for television journalists that hemps thc count is less than 1% compared to the thc found in marijuana, which ranges from around 5-20/25%, depending on the variety of the plant. these two lame brain females ruined a very viable opportunity for this man to promote the real positive uses of hemp and to present the insanely stupid hemp policies of our u.s. government. thankfully, he was able to get in that 25 states have legislation to legalize it. i wasn't aware of that. this should be national news. we can really save this planet with the hemp plant given it has endless uses, ranging from medicinal (it is very high in omega 3's and is an excellent anti-inflammatory agent) to energy (hemp oil can power our vehicles) to the use of construction to making clothes. and unlike cotton, the plant is highly resistant to pests not to mention it's more durable than cotton, which means clothing that lasts longer and is free of unnecessary, deadly chemicals. and for the freaks who think "oh no, people would grow that marywanna plant amongst the hemp plants"--RELAX. the hemp plant grows to a size much bigger than the typical mj plant and would thus greatly interfere with the ability of the mj plant to receive the light and nutrients it needs.

is it only me or am i the only one who turns on the tv and wonders where all of the true intellectuals have gone..........if yer purty with a perky persona and straight white teeth, we have a job for ya......only u can't think for yourself.

1.15.2007

funerals, raging alcoholics and birthdays, oh my!

last week was supposed to be a week of calm. it was, afterall, my birthday week. i don't just celebrate the day of my birth. i celebrate it as a week long event. i had plans for a haircut, a massage and dinner out. and lots of naps. after last week, i'm still in need of a nap.

to begin with, my spouses former co-worker's wife died very suddenly. whenever i hear of someone dying, i also think about the people i've lost through death. i think we all do. that put a quiet damper on my "yippie it's my birthday week" spirits. i wasn't angry about it. it is and it is, it was as it was. nonetheless, that quiet hush was there.

two nights later, we were awaken at 1am by a loud knock on the door. phone calls in the dead of night are anxiety-producing enough. but a knock on the door?? thinking it was a drunk, lost college kid (which has happened to us before, although not at that hour), we both stumble out of bed, bumping into each other in the dark like a laurel and hardy comedy routine, attempting to find some clothes. "don't open the door!" i whispered loudly. "just look out the patio door!" my spouse beat me in the act of getting dressed and thus was able to see who it was while i was still struggling to put on a t-shirt. seems as though a family member of ours decided to pay us a visit. did i mention he was also drunk? and ready to party? and also angry, raging out of control over his life?

my spouse and i were finally able to get him to calm down. we pacified him with some water, a sleeping bag and the couch. i was terrified for a little while, fearing he was going to hurt us. in fact, i barely slept a wink that night, fearing what he may do. he was hell bent on hurting someone. he kept reiterating that. the next morning, we awoke to find him still there. awake. acting as though everything was fine. i offered to make him some breakfast, which he declined. so i took the dog outside and when i returned inside, he and my spouse were having a screaming match. when i asked what was going on, our family visitor turned his rage on me, which in turn caused my husband to turn up his own anger.

inside i am beginning to seethe on my own. he shows up at 1am, drunk and raging, we give him a place to sleep and he's treating us like this? plus it's my birthday week and i was scheduled to have a massage in a few hours. i had planned on having a good night sleep (which he had basically ruined) and a quiet, peaceful morning to put me in the right state of mind. spouse spoke up first and said he wasn't welcome here if this is how he was going to treat us. he began to rage about how his family doesn't care about him, how they don't want him around. at that point i yelled "maybe it's because how you TREAT your family. because let me tell you, you've been a real ass during this unannounced visit of yours!" that seemed to get through to him. he apologized. we tried talking to him, expressed how concerned we were about him, to which he scoffed at, saying he was fine. we've both dealt with addicts--we know they excuse their behaviors until ready to face themselves in the mirror. so we gave him some cash and a box of food and he was off, acting as though everything, himself included, was fine.

i managed to have a quick nap before my massage, but by the time i arrived, all i wanted to do was be at home in my own bed, left alone to sleep.

the next night we went out to dinner. i was still feeling the effects of the night before. plus we had had some phone conversations with the rest of the family about what had transpired. we learned new things, which caused us to worry even more. what do you do when someone you care about is out of control and refusing help? so......sitting at our table, the restaurant was very crowded and noisy, something i didn't need nor want. the food, yes. the stimulation, no. so i burst into tears halfway through. dealing with death and an out of control family member visit was too much for me to deal with in one week, not to mention the phone calls back and forth to spouses family members to talk about what to do for him. sorry to be so damn selfish but this is my birthday. can't this shit wait until next week??? especially since last year's birthday was such a huge disappointment. it was my big 4 0 and i had had big plans of dinner out and dancing/partying with friends. however, i was very sick from new year's day through the end of the month. i had no voice by the time my birthday arrived and thus couldn't speak. double whammy. i had vowed this year i would be healthy. no stress. a week of calm.

fuck. oh well, at least i was healthy, unless emotional exhaustion counts as a health issue......

the next day we went to the funeral. it was a beautiful ceremony. very well done. beautiful slide show of pictures with really wonderful music. several members of the family spoke, a couple of them grandchildren, who broke into tears. i don't care who you are or how little you know the person who has died. seeing something like that puts you into a cascade of tears. grief is something you simply cannot hide. and i am incapable of being in the same space as someone who is crying and not crying myself. i've missed 2 funerals in the past couple of years, saying i simply cannot do funerals. who can? they are difficult at best. yesterday i realized why i have avoided these funerals. i'm afraid of the pain inside of me, afraid to let others see it. i'm afraid to bond with people (other than my spouse) in those moments of shared grief. i always have been.

as i wept at the funeral, i felt like i was doing something wrong. i had only met this woman a few times. i know her husband on a more personal level, so i was grieving deeply for him. however, i caught myself trying to hold back the tears, fearing others would look at me and say "who is she? we don't know her. who is she to cry?" silly, insecure thoughts i realize. but nonetheless, still there. in time, my insecurities couldn't stop the release that was needed. i cried for the family. i cried for those people i have lost. i cried feeling my husband's own pain as i watched him weep. i cried, in reality, for all of humanity. for the beauty of life, of love, of connection. and i cried for the other side, that bitter, sharp sword of loss and the deep, ugly, beautiful, wrenching pain that follows.

so despite this being a week of tremendous waves of emotional experiences, despite my own selfish anger and my confusion over wanting to both help someone and throw them out into the cold, despite the panic and anxiety i felt and the tears i cried, through it all i did what we all do. i survived and learned a few things about myself by allowing myself to reach out to others from the heart and in brutal honesty. maybe that is the birthday gift i really needed.

1.11.2007

A Solution to Ending The Fight Between Rosie and The Donald

i'm almost embarassed to even write about this but i just have to say something. each time i sign on to my ISP or attempt to watch any of the news channels on tv, i'm bombarded with pictures and headlines about this stupid childish moronic fight between two adults who are behaving like a miniature george bush in their own right. enough already. i have just the solution.

put them in an interrogation room with the CIA and have them subjected to some mind control experiments where they are given such suggestions as "i support osama bin laden" and "i hate america". then put them both in a room labeled "WMD" and send in some of our soldiers to deal with them. after labeling them "television terrorists", they are tried in a federal court, found guilty of treason, stupidity and wasting the publics time, and are then sent to guantanamo. at which point, their collection of billions in assets are used to build housing for the homeless, provide health care for the uninsured poor and to create a vast network of community gardens to feed the hungry. both are given makeovers--donald's head is shaved and rosie is put on a diet.

both are then required to write one zillion times: "i am an idiot. i am sorry i used (wasted) expensive media time saying such nasty comments about someone i don't even know. the truth was, i was too chicken to deal with him/her in person."

cast your vote in the comment section. or suggest your own solution.

1.10.2007

can i please just go back to bed now?

woke up this morning........stumbled out of bed........made me some oatmeal......tossed in some cranberries and walnuts (i ain't a coffee drinker--i rely on real food to get me going in the morning)........decided to check out what was happening out in the world........

first i turned on the tv.........700 club blared at me putting their "positive" spin on the war........next.........rosie o'donnell slamming bush and his iraq policies........ok, more in tune w/my heart but still, she's a grossly over-paid, highly consuming individual who hasn't a clue as to what is really needed in terms of solving the sufferings of humanity..........next.........hey, elmo's on........he's harmless and cute.......adorable and fuzzy.........oh but wait--i forgot--in a drunken moment i spontanteously did a routine on "porn star elmo" and ever since then, i am not able to view him in the same innocent light........

let's check out what the internet has to to say..........iraq veteran returns home to find storage facility has sold his belongings........wtf?.......next........barbara walters "rips" into donald trump ok do not want to hear or read ANOTHER FUCKING WORD about that waste of journalistic filth......next........lots of fluff articles about how to get that winter "glow" with our make-up ladies (gives one chills of excitement just reading that doesn't it?! WOW)......another piece on how to get the body u really want.......oh wait--it says i need to exercise everyday and :::shudder::: give up cheese. nope--ain't gonna happen........especially the cheese part.......

let's check the 'ole e-mail inbox...........work at home opportunity for christians........being i am not christian, i have no clue how that one arrived........delete......."join in with others to stop the carnage".......mass mailing from one of the political organizations i have signed up for over the past few years..........if it weren't butt nipping cold outside, i'd consider it.........delete........and wait, what's this? a reminder to tune into the president's speech tonight where he plans on unveiling his new strategy for iraq.......

sigh. at this point, do you really think i care? do you really think i plan on spending one precious second of my life to hear what he has to say? to quote a man whose work i recently read about bush, "our president is intellectually lazy". that's a kind way of saying he's a self-centered sloth. do i really think the democrats are going to do the right thing and pull out our troops? hell no. why would they? they've shown their true colors by saying there will be no impeachment hearings which reveals the truth of the criminal filth back in d.c. as my girlfriend recently told me: "i've finally realized our government doesn't give a crap about us. that's why i have the desire to live out my days in the mountains in a small cabin with my girls and other folks like myself. all of us self-sufficient."

hear hear. until then, can i please just go back to bed?

1.03.2007

The Insurance Industry Scam

mr. nina and i are in the process of signing up for private health insurance. we selected blue cross. i turned in our paperwork today at the insurance agents office. one of the agents looked it over and said "you should know that there is a high probability you will be turned down." i looked at her increduously. "what do you mean?" i asked. she pointed out our list of health ailments--none of them serious. i laughed and said "but those are issues that most people our age deal with." "i realize that. but nonetheless, you will likely be rejected."

she then went on to tell me about another plan that doesn't reject anybody. it's also owned and operated by guess who? you got it. BLUE CROSS. "oh, i see," i said. "let me guess. we get less coverage and pay a higher premium." yep. $150/month to be exact. and yep, less coverage too, including no vision, which is included in plan we are signing up for. "so let me see if i get this straight. blue cross will likely reject us. but they then will offer us a plan that has less coverage while they get more of our money?" insurance lady just looked at me and said "you could say that."

i could have stayed calm but i decided not to. for those who read my blog, you know i am pissed the farm fuck off at the greed that permeates our culture, creating a system that uses those at the bottom so those at the top can profit and live a life of luxury. i despise the laws and policies that protect these greedy fuckers. i blew a fuse today.

"how can you work in an industry that supports this kind of greed? i don't get that! it's criminal! these folks should be tried in a court of law! escaping into canada is sounding VERY APPEALING at the moment! i have had it with the american way. the capitalist system. had it! SOMETHING needs to be done about this crisis. health insurance should be a RIGHT and not the luxury that it is today! people like myself are going to begin revolting!"

she tried making me feel better by telling me the story of a recent client who was rejected because she has osteoporosis. THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!

i left in a huff, walked outside. even kicked my car and let out a vent of frustration. i was oh so tempted to march down to my spouses place of employment and kick his boss in the ass, demand that he do the right thing and provide his employees insurance. but being i don't wish to see my spouse fired, i decided to call a friend instead and toss back a brownie and some doritos. and given our health insurance situation, i stuffed a few carrots and some broccoli into my mouth as an afterthought. for good measure.

1.02.2007

it's a new year........

astrologically speaking, it's the year of the dragon. numerologically speaking, it's a "9" year (2007=2+0+0+7=9). what does this mean for you and me? i don't know. let us ask the prophecy experts. i listened to quite a few of them last night on coast to coast radio.

lots of storm activity, especially an increase in earthquakes and volcanos along the ring of fire in asia, most particularly japan.

possible nuclear meltdown, or a close call, here in the united states.

new bacterial illness in march.

increased accidents affecting children.

serious fires in the summer.

the pope will deal with health problems in april and october.

merging of oil and television companies. (which was heralded as a good thing by this particular psychic. wtf??)

a major ufo event in chicago.

not that i care, but the careers of rosie o'donnell and katie couric will fizzle this year.

lots of hints at a run in 2008 for al gore, but indicators show this will happen in 2012.

****
those are some highlights. what does this mean for you and i? i don't know. i could get into a major ufo event as long as it's benign, although i don't live near chicago. the health problems of the pope and careers of rosie and katie are of no consequence to me since i believe one is a deviant and the other two are of mediocre talent. what bothered me most was one person's prediction--a dr. louis turi--who said there was a karmic universal energy that was going to be targeting our children. how sick is that? children would be experiencing increased accidents and illness. i thought karma was about what you put out comes back to you. i don't know about you, but i certainly do not believe children put out energy that says "make others sick/destroy". i leave that one to the adults.

i'm not a psychic, but i have had experiences that have come to pass. the day before 9/11, i "knew" something awful was going to happen the next day, that the plans were already in place, and that i could do nothing about it. the morning the challenger crashed, i had a dream where some craft had crashed in a field. i've felt people i am close to "pass" upon their death--before knowing they have left the earth. what do i predict for the new year?

chaos.
questioning.
corruption.
greed.
lies and excuses.

and i also predict there will be a growing trend amongst people like myself who are tired of struggling, who are tired of working to ensure others create more and hold onto their wealth while we go without. we will rise up, come together in unique ways, and begin to talk about new ways of living that create the road to our own personal liberation, freedom and sustainability. in other words, a lot of what we call "modern living" is going to become a dying trend, for the very least of reasons being it has harmed our planet long enough and she, along with people like myself, are speaking up and saying "NO MORE".

happy new year--and may it indeed BE a "new" year.