Sign of the Times........

this is for those who insist: "the economy is doing swell!"

my spouse works with the public on a daily basis. some of his customers are employees of a large high-tech company (large for our city standards). said company is in the midst of a big scandal involving the former chairwoman, prompting a federal investigation. (can ya guess which company i am referring to? our local paper has an awesome opportunity--FOR ONCE-- to do some real journalistic work, some real deep, investigate work with this story but so far, nothing. just reprints from the ap. spouse said an employee of said company hinted that the paper may be on the company's payroll. would not surprise me.......) anyway, back to my little story.....people are jumping ship (or planning on it) left and right, at least according to what my spouse is hearing from these poor folks. many are coming into the place of business where my husband works and asking him such questions: "what is your salary? is there vacation and sick leave? a medical plan?" my spouse answers politely, but has a difficult time holding back his emotions--which range from hysterical laughter to anger to sadness.

when he tells these poor souls he is paid an hourly wage that ain't deviating too far from minimum wage and that there are no benefits of any kind, these folks asked, stunned, "how on earth do you support yourself and your family?" when my husband says "we have no children. we can't afford it. we live in poverty. we're barely making it." these folks shake their heads. wow.

when you've been out of the job market, out of touch with the reality of today's job scenario, you can indeed suffer from a bit of "sticker shock" upon hearing such information.

i wonder how many of them are rethinking their desire to depart...........

Proposition 42 Fearmongering

our state has an interesting proposition on our ballot for the upcoming november election. proposition 42 would increase the restrictions on the use of credit scores by insurance companies. there is already in effect, since 2003, a ban on the use of credit scores to determine rates for current insurance customers. proposition 42 would add to this restriction new customers.

i decided to check into the "no on 42" people. i found some interesting little tidbits. for starters, nowhere does their site say this new restriction would raise rates, only that it "may". i also noticed they were backed by 48 businesses, 21 of them which are in the insurance industry.

i'm smelling a little bit of bias here..............

i put little trust into those studies that claim a person's credit history determines their accident and claim filing history. these studies are funded by the insurance industry. what i find interesting is something i read insurance companies "assume". according to one website that explained some of the logic behind the insurance industry's reasoning for using credit history to determine rates, if you file a claim for minor damage due to an accident, it's often because you lack the income/funds to pay for the expense yourself........ read that again. the insurance companies say if one files a claim for minor damage due to an accident it's usually because they lack the income. now why is it the insurance industry says credit report scores do not show or determine ones income? why is it the insurance industry says they do not ever ask for a person's income nor is income considered when establishing rates? here is some little proof, in a roundabout way, that THE INDUSTRY DOES INDEED use income as a means for determining rates.

also interesting is that insurance companies are not required to show you the score they assigned to you. therefore, most of them don't. i am smelling more dirty little maneuvering here..........

sigh. need i mention that insurance scoring is quite profitable, especially since almost nobody qualifies for the lowest-tier pricing. insurance premiums are a recurring little for insurance companies, and the scores help justify higher premiums.

i see this resistance to proposition 42 as simply about keeping the insurance industry free to continue to swim in their capitalist profit making. i think the measure is fair. using numbers to determine someone's potential for filing claims is ridiculous. numbers only assume. they never take into consideration the person in his or her entirety.

vote YES on 42.

replacing one addiction for another?

i had an interesting experience this afternoon. i had just returned home when there was a knock on my door. opening it, i found a male close to my age, late 30's/early 40's. i noticed he had on a large, silver cross, hanging from a silver chain. it stood out against the black t-shirt he wore. he smiled and handed me a small piece of bright pink paper. he told me he was from a drug rehabilitation house where he himself had once been a client.

always intrigued to hear about people's life stories, their struggles, how they overcame them, i gave indication that i was interested in hearing more of what he had to say. he told me this treatment facility was a christian/bible-based facility, privately funded. clients stay, free of charge, for one year and receive room and board and treatment. at the present time they only treat males, but plans are underway for the creation of a facility for women. he told me everyone affiliated with the center are christians and that the graduates go on to become ministers, house managers, evangelicals. he said they have an 84% success rate, which given they treat primarily meth and heroin addicts, i would say those results are excellent.

in time, he began to quote scripture to me. this has always bothered me, especially when i haven't asked for a religious sermon or lesson. i respect people's right to practice whatever religious or spiritual practice they deem fit. religious freedom. however, i also wish to enjoy my own religious freedom (or freedom from religion as some may say). today though, i merely nodded my head and smiled. instead of focusing on my own discomfort, i felt the urge to focus more on this man. i noticed he was rattling off verses left and right in great speed. the look in his eyes was almost half-crazed. then it hit me: had this man simply traded one addiction for another?

it isn't that uncommon afterall. i've heard stories of people who, having spent years being addicted to binge eating, upon giving up this addiction, replace it with exercise. they become utterly fanatically obsessed about exercise.

after i went inside, i began asking myself some questions. are people required to listen to christian teachings in order to receive treatment at this facility? are people required to convert to christianity in order to receive treatment and graduate from the program? do you have to agree with their religious views in order to receive treatment?

when you are in the throes of addiction, you are vulnerable to the suggestions of others, especially to those who you are seeking assistance from. i know having been to my share of counselors for traditional psychotherapy, it is easy to look up to them as someone who holds the answer, the solution to your personal misery. it is therefore very easy to take what they say as "gold". without question. and this is all without the added element of drug addiction. add in a drug addiction and i would say the chances of making a convert out of someone is quite high (no pun intended).

does this treatment facility have as it's main goal rehabilitation or conversion? it is possible, in their eyes, to merely treat without converting? what about the client who enters and is hindu? muslim? jewish? agnostic? aethiest?

given this man's presense of near fanatical enthusiasm, i have to wonder. did he simply change one addiction for another? the end result may look better in the eyes of society, however addiction is addiction. and when you are caught in its cycles, you have lost your own power, your own voice. and the world needs people who are using their own voice, not the voices of others. that isn't empowerment, no matter how loudly you preach from your pulpit.

finally someone who gets tough on drunk drivers

as someone who has been in two accidents involving drunk drivers, i can only say "it's about time!" after reading this article.

people who choose to drink then get behind the wheel of a car need to have much more accountability. all too often they are released back into to society only to repeat again.

the first accident i was in involved a young male, early 20's. he hit me from behind, thankfully the only damage done was to my car. the guy was so drunk, he could barely walk. i remember he kept thinking he could fix my car....the second accident i was involved in was quite different. this time it was 2 men who had stolen a car. they ran a light, plowed head-on into the car off to my left who then plowed into me. at the time i was driving a small 2-door honda. the car off to my left was a pinto wagon with a long front end. just moments before the impact, i had been in the same lane and position as the pinto but something told me to "get right", which i did. as i explained this to the officer, he said it was a good thing i had listened to that voice. if i hadn't listened to it and instead had been hit first, given the size of my car, i likely would not have survived the impact.

talk about having one of those surreal moments. i was already experiencing some mild shock. upon hearing that, i began shaking all over and had to be guided back to my car. i have experienced driving phobias ever since that accident.

in the first accident, the guy's parents insurance paid to fix my car. in the second accident, the driver was homeless, had no insurance and being the car was also stolen, i had no recourse. thankfully i had uninsured motorist coverage. but, i received nothing for the emotional/physical/mental pain and trauma i experienced--and still experience. i remember the prosecutor called me and said i could have the driver's boombox. it was his only possession. of course i refused. i didn't need one of his possessions. i needed him to fix my car. i needed him to pay for the therapy i was in need of.

i was young and thoughtless. i drove drunk a few times in my late teen years. however, i grew out of it. why? largely because of the accidents i was in. they caused me to really think. i realized the responsibility i had when operating a car. oh there were times when i wanted to drink when i was the driver, but you know what? i didn't give in to the temptation. i know first hand the dangers of driving drunk. and in a way i am thankful for the accidents i experienced for they showed me first hand, at a young age, what can happen when you mix drinking and driving. i just thank god the few times i did it, i didn't hurt anyone.

starving oneself to make a buck.........

while i am happy to see this issue brought to public attention once again, i am sceptical as to whether any changes will be made. simply saying only women who weigh 125lbs and up are allowed to walk the runways isn't enough. we need to change our thoughts we hold on beauty and ultimately, truly embrace the idea that we each hold our own vision of what we define as beauty. as attractive. and weight is simply numbers and doesn't, in and of itself, equate whether one is healthy or not.

i have to laugh at the 125lb comment. many of these models are close to 6 feet. a 125 lb woman who is close to 6 feet cannot be healthy. i am 5' 5" and while i ain't sharing my weight, doctors often underestimate my weight by a good 10-20 lbs. even when i was a young girl, my weight never went below 120-125. when it did, i looked unhealthy. for a woman, i have a lot of muscle, which means for a woman, i am very strong. just ask my hub. the other day i moved our king size foam mattress into another room--all by myself. : )

i say let's do away with the height and weight requirements altogether. let those who know how to compose themselves and walk the runway elegantly hold the title of "model" (which leaves me out--put me in heels of any sort and i stumble all over the place).

until real changes are made in the mindsets of those who operate the modeling world, women will continue to starve themselves to fit into the next outfit. i don't know about you, but women need to not only eat healthy, they need to be free to fill themselves with good chocolate and ice cream now and then. and even some greasy, delicious french fries. all without having to worry whether they may put on a few pounds and be criticized for it, or worse, told "sorry, no work for you my dear".

entitlement.........

i've been thinking about that word the past few days............"entitlement".........a friend of mine who is a social worker told me we aren't entitled to squat...........i laughed as i told her "i dare you to say that to donald trump!"

i asked her to define entitlement for me and she had a difficult time.........it's a sense of "i deserve this because......." i said "i believe i am worthy--i believe we are all worthy--of having everything we desire simply because we exist." this is when she said she agreed but said making one worthy doesn't make one entitled. i asked her again to clarify it for me. when the conversation ended, i was no more clear than i was to begin with. but i have continued thinking about the word.......

maybe it's the difference between demanding and wanting. an energy of "i am going to get this no matter what the consequences".

maybe it's the art of creating our desires with ego interference--from the place of fear. (uh oh--my ego just stood to attention upon hearing that one!)

sigh. the circles we spin when first we practice to get clear...........

i cannot think of one person, myself included, who i have not seen have a sense of entitlement at one point or another. it's difficult not to. we're taught to compete with one another, taught that there isn't enough to go around (which actually, if we do not begin living in balance with our planet, that may not be an altogether untrue statement at some point in the very near future). we're taught to look at one another as the enemy--someone who may steal or take our "stuff" (whatever it is we define our "stuff" to be--food, employment, money, relationships, etc. etc.). i completely understand this mindset. it was ingrained in me from a very early age that i was not to trust others, that i needed to hold on tightly to what was mine. this lead me to feel afraid of everything and i mean everything. with this fear of everything came the feeling of entitlement. ironic, isn't it, that behind entitlement, at least for me, is fear. our society portrays the energy of entitlement in a way that is powerful. in charge. in control. all of those factors, we believe, make us fearless. but in reality, we're really running around like frightened children, demanding what we believe we're entitled to, clinging to what we have, distrusting others whom we think *may* be out to take what it is we are clinging so tightly so.

i don't know about you, but this is an utterly exhausting way to live. the question is, how to break out of this mindset. and do i even want to? or better yet, can i trust myself, trust that i will be ok if i break free of it?

whew.......that's a big question and i am not sure of the answer.........which means there will be no appropriate or well-defined ending for this piece. nothing nice and neat in which to wrap it up. there will only be the void of "i don't know". but in that void comes the desire TO know.

gone are the days of the "built to last" product.......

i am in possession of a DVR (digital voice recorder). for those of you who don't know what they are (and i didn't until i picked up the thing), it's a tiny little device, smaller than even the smallest cell phone, that enables you to record music and voice files. it's made mostly of cheap plastic and weighs in at maybe 2.5 oz. holding it in my hand, i know it is built to fall apart in 1-2 years.

remember when cd's first came out? everyone RAVED about them. they were built to last. last oh so much longer than records and tapes. what a joke. i have records and tapes from 20 plus years ago that still work better than cd's i bought in the 1990's. then came the dvd's. supposedly better than the cd's. another scam. i cannot tell you how often we rent one of these dvd's only to have them skip or pause or cause the picture to look as though it's melting on the screen.

my sister-in-law owns one of those kia's, another commodity that is consists of a lot of cheap plastic, another in a long line of cars that are no longer built to last. it's 2 years old. during a recent visit, we set out for a drive in her kia. honest to god, i feared the thing wouldn't hold the weight of 3 adults and 1 dog. absolute piece of shit. made so many squeaky noises. everything from the steering wheel to the dashboard to the door handles--piece of cheap ass plastic. poor dear--she's had nothing but troubles with this car ever since she bought it. but, as she said, it's a good thing she bought the extended warranty, which is laughable considering the car will likely fully expire before the warranty expires.

ah, the extended warranty. notice how popular that term has become? companies know their products are cheaply built, aren't designed to last the way they did in the "old days" (sigh.......). so they will charge you a small amount of money for their pieces of shit product, which will seem very attractive to the consumer. wow! lookit how CHEAP so many products are now! then company says for an extra $100 or so bucks, you can get the extended warranty. considering the throw-away society we live in, many americans would simply opt to throw away their product once it broke, died, etc. rather than go through the hassle of the warranty. in short, the companies win.

i LONG to pick up a picture frame and say "wow! now that is made from real wood. real silver!" i LONG to pick up an eletronic item and say "wow! this sure is heavy!" i LONG to test drive a car and see well-made parts. hell, i LONG to get inside of a car and know i could engage in a demolition derby and walk away with my car having only a few dents and scratches--the engine and all major components still in tact and ready to rock and roll............reminds me of a car accident we witnessed a few years ago. a guy driving an early 1990's honda smashed into the back end of a 1960's american made car (chrysler, chevy, don't remember the model--just one of those big boats, made when cars were built to perform and made to last and were heavy as hell). the guy's front end was munched up pretty good. the american made 'boat'? a long scratch and a minor 6" dent. THAT'S IT! i learned to drive on one of these "boats". i put her into a ditch on more than one occasion, drove (stupidly) drunk through some big pot holes and always returned her home in the same shape as when we left.

today, different story. plastic is found everywhere. lightweight, cheaply made plastic. (derived from oil of course.)

forgive me for sounding ignorant and perhaps naive and out-dated, but tv's and computers and phones and stereo and electronic equipment etc. etc. are SUPPOSED TO BE FRIGGING HEAVY. you know--built to last. 'tis why my spouse and i often shop at goodwill. not only are we saving items from going to the landfill, we have a good chance of buying an item that will last longer than their newer, supposedly 'more approved' counterparts.

i realize change is a constant. i'm not wanting to see a return to the big gas guzzling cars of the past or the huge stereo speakers and computers of the past. i think there can be a balance. a balance of a well-made product in a size that is suitable to the consumer AND to the environment. built to last.

built to last.............with the days of plastic upon us, that seems to be a thing of the past doesn't it?

too many thoughts for one little brain.......

so many things running through my brain........the evils of capitalism........the lack of democracy in the workplace..........the damaging effects of the individualistic perspective.........the grossly inflated housing market..........the lack of affordable housing and a livable wage...........what to make for dinner........

i once heard a great phrase. "if you want to find something to offend you, you never have to look far or hard."

so many things piss me off..........so many injustices and inequities that i know aren't necessary. that i know can be changed. and yet with each ounce of energy i spend on simply diving into my opinions, entering the pool of my values and thus experience the difficult feelings, i become worn out. little by little.

i think it's time to retrain this tired brain of mine. or at least give it a break....

i often ask "why am i here?" ok, i used to ask that question. now i ask "why did i come here at this particular time?" my feelings have been an excellent indicator in allowing me to discover my own values and beliefs. and yet given my particular set of "rules" runs so contrary to much of the current social system, i simply have to ask "why the fuck did i choose this time in history in which to make an appearance?"

what gives me faith is knowing i am not alone. while i may be in a minority, i know the kind of world i hold in my heart is one that others also share. i'm reading an interesting book (college text book actually) called "health and social justice: politics, ideology, and inequity in the distribution of disease". while the books focus centers on health, it discusses many of the current inequities in today's society and how the following are detrimental to creating positive health states for all: capitalism, lack of a livable wage, grossly low minimum wage, cost of health insurance, our ever-growing global economy and transnational corporations, segregation, lack of pressure/regulations on corporate america to enact policies that put the earth and human well being ahead of profits...........

sigh. until there's a shift in consciousness amongst our government and corporate/business leaders, people will continue to struggle to create the changes they desire so that ALL have equal opportunity for pursuing happiness. until such a time, the shit will continue to blow in the wind.

which brings me back to my brain. my tired brain. she needs a lot of rest right now. self-love. dark chocolate (honestly--it has been proven to raise serotonin levels). i now see the way things are. i have received plenty of validation to support my own views, my own feelings. now i need to put it all on a shelf, give it the time and rest needed to figure out what to do next. if i choose to do anything at all. learning to live amongst the inequalities in a way that is simple and quiet, raise a family, grow as much of my own food as possible, have as minimal of an impact upon this planet as possible.........'tis sounding like a very appealing option for me. question is, is this enough? i don't know at the moment. or to better put it, i awaken to the knowing within me.

until that "awakening" occurs, my body is telling me winter is approaching. i've spent enough time focusing outward. it's now time to turn inward. and rest.

Remembering 9/11

like many people, i remember where i was when i was told of the attacks on 9/11. i remember the look on my husband's face as he told me--a look of disbelief and fear. i remember my first reaction. "no." denial. couldn't be happening to us. this was america. the world loved us. the superpower. the light of good. the light of strength. the light of freedom.

that morning marked the beginning of what i call my awakening. an awakening that has been wrought with rage, confusion, grief and the most intense sensation of feeling utterly overwhelmed. on 9/10 i was living an illusion, inside of a (supposedly) safe little bubble. 24 hours later, i was questioning everything i had been told about our government, our place in the world, our values, our culture. let me tell you.....when i say i have moments in which i wish to god i could crawl back inside that bubble, i ain't kidding! it is so very parallel to the scenes in the matrix when neo is first awakening to the truth of his existance. awakening is messy and will try both your mental your emotional sanity.

it's easy to remain wrapped up in the anger: anger either felt at our government or in the religious terrorists. or both, depending upon what you believe to be true about the events of that day. however, when we remain wrapped up in that anger, it is easy to forget about the thousands of people who died oh so unecessarily on that day.

so maybe today, just for today, we can focus on the lives lost instead of our anger. we can pause and reflect on those lives, how they were a part of our world. their families and friends left behind. we can reflect on how so many of us stopped our outside lives and instead focused inward. we slowed waaaaay down and remembered our common connection. not to sound cliche, but we remembered how precious, how truly precious, life is. we remembered what is important--truly important--more than ANYTHING ELSE--and that is our relationships with one another.

peace is actually very simple. all we need to do is remember who we really are and then live that consciously, moment by moment. and maybe one day, i (and others) won't need some individual or global tragic disaster in order to do so.

You Know You're Middle Aged When........

you know you're middle aged when:

1) you begin to read the fiber count on food labels

2) you know all of the songs on the car commercials

3) you actually cut off the kernels from corn on the cob

4) you not only impose a curfew on your kids, you impose one on yourself

5) you bring ear plugs to concerts

6) conversations about the weather actually become quite interesting

7) you once laughed at those "help me i've fallen and i can't get up" commercials. now you don't find them so funny.

8) those times where you must choose between sex and sleep, you now choose sleep.

says a wise sage

as we age

the lines they appear

but have no fear

for the years shall find you

this is true

bringing forth the chance

to sing, learn and dance

to share love in a new way

whether thru work or play

yes this is the time

to run barefoot in the grass

before father time comes

and kicks you in the ass.

(c) 2006 & 2003

you've got to be kidding me.......

i couldn't make this shit up even if i tried........here's another quoted passage from yet another ridiculous employment ad:

maximum hours 29, most of the time less. hours and shifts vary weekly. must be available for day or swing shifts.

the pay for this enslaved to the system position? thirty cents above minimum wage. oh yeah and there's a background check and you gotta pee in the cup. can't smoke or drink caffeinated beverages either. (i'm not a smoker but for this kind of ridiculous slavery, i'd sure as hell need some sort of vice.)

so let me get this straight. i would have to be available day and swing shift hours. my schedule would vary from week to week. and the most hours i would be working, despite having to be available 16 hours of the day every single day, is 29??? oh yeah and i get thirty cents above minimum wage too??? WOW! where do i sign up????

i've seen this position (and others similar to it) repeat itself every few months or so over the past few years. here is what i would like to tell this particular employer (and all others who have similar insane expectations): hi. my name is nina. i'm a person, just like you. and just like you, i have a life. and bills to pay. i also have the need for dignity and respect. a need for equality. i also have a need for a regular schedule. it enables me to plan for things outside of the work environment. remember that i will only burn out if your world becomes the only one i participate regularly in. and i am sure you wish for me to stick around for the long term. that is what largely leads to your business being a success.

i would very much like to work for your organization as i believe in the work you do. so let me make you an offer. i will work for you. the following are my needs to complete the deal: 1) a livable wage. i have estimated that to be $12-$14/hour. if i perform my duties well, i will want regular (annual) cost-of-living increases and wage increases. 2) a pro-rated benefits package. i am willing to pay for some of this out of my own pocket given this isn't a full-time position. 3) a regular schedule. 3) trust and respect that is given and not earned. it is up to me to retain a good standing with you. this means that no, you may not have my blood or my urine and no, you are not free to perform whatever background check you wish to perform without my specific consent. 4) a relationship that goes both ways. i am as interested in you as you are in me. it is equally as important to me that i feel good about what i do and how i fit in and what you provide for me as it is for you to feel good about what i do, how i fit in and what i provide for you.

i am sure we can agree upon this. however, if you choose otherwise, you need to be aware that you will likely continue to see employees enter and exit on a regular basis. and i will continue to read your ads, sigh and shake my head as i say "no way. absolutely no flipping way........"

VAAAACAAAATION!!!!!

thank god tomorrow evening marks the start of a much needed and oh so deserved vacation. ever have one of those days when you realize, before even leaving your house, "i should just stay in bed today!" yep--been one of those days for both myself and my sweet.

what was supposed to be my payday, yesterday, left me empty-handed. bank hadn't received any deposit (i'm on a direct deposit system). i called my employer's payroll office. what followed was a bureaucratic red tape nightmare. at first i was told the problem was with my bank. uh, nope. bank shows nothing coming in from your end, which was to have been done yesterday. i was finally able to get the person to do a little bit of digging, whereupon i was told my contract renewal paperwork was turned in late, thus my paycheck had not been processed, therefore no direct deposit. wait a minute, i said, i turned in my paperwork on time. gave it to my supervisor. oh, it was finally received--just late, i was told. so what about my check?? i asked. well that i cannot tell you, i was told. call e. she will be the one who will write you your check. and where can i reach her? i asked. call your department, i was told.

ok, so i call my department and i'm told "oh, e. works for another department." ok fine, i said. may i have her number? so i call e. heard a piercing ringing in my ear and realized 'ah, fax number.' so i call back my dept. and say hello dear, it's me again. you gave me a fax number.

so i was given a different number and finally got through to e, who told me she wasn't the one i wanted to speak with. i would have to speak with l.

by this time, i was ready to spit nails. instead, i asked, "how do you people get anything done around there?? none of you seem to know what the other one does. all i want is my paycheck, which i was supposed to receive yesterday. what i want to know is what can you do to make sure i have it by 5pm today?" to make a long story short, i am picking up my paycheck tomorrow morning. it's the soonest i can pick it up and it's the only way i can get it into my hands.

spouse had a similar day, although he's still having to swim through the muck where upon i was able to finish up by early afternoon.

vacation...............vacation.................vacation..............'tis my mantra for today....

other misc. interesting items.........book i'm reading.........here are some quotes:

"...in the united states, income and wealth inequality is greater than in any other industrialized country in the world." hear that all of you 'america is the land of opportunity for all' drum beaters??? income and wealth inequality is GREATER than in any other industrialized country. these stats come from a variety of sources, between the years 1999-2002.

"the richest 200 people in the world have wealth equivalant to 41% of the world's population." (united nations development program, 1999) forty-one percent. unfuckingreal.

"household net worth has declined dramatically since 1983."

"tax rates for the wealthiest americans also continue to decline as their wealth increases." (this little quote comes from the congressional budget office, 2001)

"great social costs arise from these inequities, including threats to economic development, democracy, quality of life, the exclusion of people from full participation in society, and the social well-being of the nation." (kawachi and kennedy, 2002)

"inequality limits people's freedom to develop their capacities and capabilities to the fullest." (sen, 1992)

AMEN! america does not provide equal opportunity for all. it never has and under the current system, never will. anyone who claims otherwise is a blind fool--or rich. capitalism creates wealth and profit for the few while dismantling the lives of the rest. a new system is needed NOW. N O W

Thoughts On Ending Poverty

For years now people have discussed ways to end poverty. Quite often these folks are rich, part of the group who control the wealth on this planet or at least have a big and thus unequal share of it. It's often seemed hypocritical to me to see celebrities such as Oprah and Bono talk about ending poverty when the very lifestyle they lead is one the planet could in no way sustain if everyone were to live such a lifestyle, not to mention they drive away in their limos, fly away in their private jets, and return to one of their many gargantuan homes. I laugh when their supporters say "but they give away 10% of their income". I laugh because it is so very easy to give away 10% of your income when you're a millionaire or a billionaire. I'm not denying the work they do. I'm just saying it isn't enough.

Education, these wealthier folks proclaim. People need to become better educated to end poverty. Some folks like to proclaim that people simply need to take advantages of opportunities in order to put an end to poverty. Both of these opinions are naive and short-sighted. In the U.S. alone, more persons go to college than in past generations, and yet poverty continues to increase. As far as opportunities, I would ask "and where are they?" Millions of jobs have disappeared from our economy and have yet to be replaced by jobs of equal pay and benefits. Many of us have jobs we don't enjoy or at the very least, tolerate. We have talents we would much prefer sharing for an income, only to do such would mean we would sink into poverty (or sink further into poverty) or become homeless because the competition is so tough or because there simply isn't enough value placed upon or need for such talents. You can do it, anyone can do it, these folks proclaim, those who have quit the rat race and found a successful, financially abundant lifestyle doing what they love. Not as simple as they think. The current system in place makes it extremely difficult for these eccentric types to find a place. I should know. I've been struggling for years to find my own spot and have unfortunately had to continue working at jobs I tolerate and keep only because I need an income to help pay the bills. Sound familiar? Good. Please keep reading.

The way to end poverty as I see it? Here are some ideas. One is to redistribute the wealth. I know that's a sensitive topic. People don't like to share their money, even though we cram this philosophy into our children's heads from the time they enter kindergarten. It's often felt a bit strange to me to train our children to share only to send them off into a world that, overall, does anything but except for in times of crisis. Redistribute the wealth. Kind of takes the air out of the balloon of rugged individualism. Do it on your own. You're worth this and I'm worth that. Obviously what needs to accompany the action of wealth redistribution is a change of consciousness where we truly live all of the religious and God talk we so love to spout about love and kindness and compassion and fairness. (2,000 years after this visitation from the man Jesus and we still haven't fully understood his message.) We truly put the value where it belongs and that is on people, on you and me. We redefine worth as well and in doing so, realize each of us plays an equally valuable role out in the world, whatever it is we are doing. We discover what it is we love to do and we have a system in place that pays us, at the very least, a livable wage according to what the cost of living is in the particular area. A livable wage means an end to the minimum wage rubbish. It also does away with the class system. That's right. No more classifications of wealth. The well being and happiness of people becomes the new profit (or perhaps prophet).

I believe the people could become open to these ideas. The government and corporations and lobbyists that created the current system to begin with would likely have a problem with them, though. These types love power, typically love money instead of people, love to control. However, as cold and uncaring as they can appear to be, I still believe in the goodness that is within them. I still believe in the power of the spirit, the human heart, the power of evolution of the mind and spirit. When one can break free from the rigid rules and judgments we are trained to blindly obey, this opens the heart and mind to the wisdom that is within (although be prepared to deal with the intense anger and pain you are likely to feel). Something powerful happens in this natural state of being. You look into the eyes of those around you and you see yourself. You see the connection. And you know we are all truly equal. All truly worthy. There is nothing to prove. Nothing to fight for. It is in this state of being in which we need to be striving for. For when we do, there will be no need for domination and control. No need for poverty or a class system. No need for a power base and no need for separation. It will be one heck of a mountain to climb and it will be chaotic at times, but it is doable.

celebrity thought police

apparently rob reiner has gone public to request mel gibson do some soul searching for his supposed anti-semitic comments as well as his anti-semite views as supposedly shown in his passion for the christ movie.

i don't know what is more offensive to me. racial comments or the judgements from others saying what THEY think the racial commenter ought to do, as though they are free of such thinking.

it's become very popular these days to support israel. support the jewish community. when anyone speaks out against them, even on a political level, you're an anti-semite. it's easy to attach a label onto someone but it doesn't do a damn thing to allow the conversation to continue. in fact, i would say labeling is a form of censorship.

how odd it was to me as well to see mr. reiner's words, about mr. gibson needing to come clean as to how his own views were reflected in his movie the passion. his supposedly anti-semitic views. my question to mr. reiner would be: and your point is??? whose views wouldn't be reflected in such a film? and who is to say it's anti-semitic? i saw the movie. i was a practicing catholic until a few years ago. i am also 1/2 jewish (lineage only). personally, i found the movie slow going and too graphic for my tastes. glad i only rented it. however, i didn't walk away thinking this was an attack on jews. mr. gibson portrayed the movie according to his belief system. if the story as outlined in the christian bible is true, then some of the jewish faith killed the man named jesus. depicting this as such, how can that be anti-semite? i know i certainly don't look at jewish people today (myself included) and think or say "your kind killed my lord". however, i know there are people who do so just as there are folks in the black community who look at whites and think "your kind brought me here and made us slaves".

i would say those in the jewish community who become so offended as a result of this movie also may benefit from a good soul searching. perhaps they are anti-christian in their own way. and that's ok! geesh people--it's OK to have those negative views about others of different races and religions. i don't see how it's NOT possible to walk this planet and not hold some stereotypical or racist view. the important thing is to stop pointing the fingers and engage in honest dialogue. that is how the healing begins. anything else is simply anger in action. and that accomplishes nothing.

a little bit of field burning smoke won't kill ya.......

apparently things got a leetle out of hand today when a local farm decided to field burn. assholes. that crap they put out into our atmosphere, damaging our lungs and irritating our throats and nasal passageways, is bad enough when they burn legally and when it's controlled. however, people mess up and today was no expection for mr. and mrs. farmer. i returned home to find my house filled with a hazy, smelly smoke. wtf??? i thought, closing up the windows and turning on the fans. the smoke filled my street and neighborhood. i called the non-emergency police number to ask what was up. i was told a field burn approximately 20 miles from town had been improperly lit and was therefore spreading all over the place. "this is ridiculous! i have allergies and my sinuses are burning like mad right now!" i said. i was given the number to lodge a complaint, which i immediately called. i was surprised to get a live person. 'is this the number to complain about the field burning smoke that's now entered my house?' i asked.

yep, i had the right number.

'so what happens once i give you my complaint?' i asked.

government worker says all the information is compiled and sent to the governor at the end of each week.

'listen, i've been lodging complaints like this yearly for over 6 years under NORMAL field burning conditions. and i have yet to see our current nor our former governor address this unnecessary practice.'

i was told 'oh the governor takes these complaints very seriously.'

it was then that i asked 'and how much are you paid to push that propaganda?'

hey--he hung up on me!

so i called our trusty local paper, hoping they may be willing to write up a piece about the incident from the perspective of those of us who had to breathe this smoke. well sad to say there likely won't be an investigative piece coming out of this, even though i suggested otherwise. but there will be a little blurb in the paper about it.

a little blurb. whoop-di-doo. the same level of attention our state government has given the issue of field burning.

about what i would expect................

things that make my heart smile

i thought it would be nice to counter my previous post with a list of things that truly open up and warm my heart......

*my doggie, holding a ball in her mouth, looking at me with her head tilted and her ears perked.

*hugs

*looking into my sweeties eyes

*chocolate and macaroni and cheese (not together though! although.... hmmmm.......)

*those dreams i have where the struggle ends, the power base has collapsed and all are truly, equally, at peace

*e-mails from my nieces and nephews, simply saying "i love you auntie"

*along those lines, visits with nieces and nephews

*a baby or child's giggle

and the one, last thing that makes my heart smile........

*L O V E

things that make me go "yeah right...wtf ever"

*models in magazines with quoted captions saying "i know real beauty comes from the inside" when the entire advertisement is geared towards looking at this woman who has no wrinkles, no blemishes, perfectly shiny hair, perfectly straight, blinding-white teeth and not an ounce of noticable fat or cellulite on her. oh yeah and she is never over 30.

*counselors and psychologists who like to say certain behavior is acceptable and certain behavior is unacceptable. (i want to know who gets to decide so I can get on that committee! driving on a cell phone and watching fox news would fall under the unacceptable category for sure.)

*anything that comes out of bill o'reilly's mouth.

*any promise that comes from an employer.

*food nazis (the vegans) who say "no honestly you will LOVE tofu!"

*the landlord saying "ok. leak is repaired!"

*men and women stuffed into bland suits who say with no emotion "the economy is improving. the numbers are up. unemployment is down."

*any person who says "all you need to do is vote and write letters to your government officials to make a change in the system."

*whenever anyone in the medical profession says "this will only hurt a leetle bit".

and finally, the #1 thing that makes me go "yeah right, wtf ever":

*the religious freaks who say "i love you" but then say "you're going to hell" upon hearing of my beliefs--all with a smile on their face. the american way. insults with a smile.

Holy Crap!

just when you think religiously-based discrimination can't get any worse........

after reading this article, if you wish to send your comments to the "me scared of girls" reverend, here's the churches website addy: www.nnyinfo.com/firstbaptist/

you can also check out his blog: www.baptist13601.blogspot.com

he may appreciate some comments as it appears he hasn't received any (at least going back to the first part of july). must be lonely when you are a dumbass.......

fuck is a good word isn't it

looking around at the books and videos i have checked out from the library. all focusing on NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION. something i am passionately interested in. someplace inside that is. my approach lately though in dealing with people i consider inconsiderate or abusive is the flippant "fuck you" approach. inside my mind, a small voice is reminding me of the books and tapes i have. here's how ready i am to embrace these techniques. i told that small voice to "fuck off" yesterday.

why am i in this state of mind? i feel tired. i feel apathetic. i feel so intensely angry. i simply feel deeply saddened. the question is, can i break free of this? do i force it? do i just allow it all to be? just be me? me in all of my "fuck off/fuck you" glory? maybe it isn't such a 'bad' state of mind. maybe it's more common than i realize.

as i heard today, 'fuck' isn't a bad word. it's an adult word.

good thing it's still not on some new governmental "words you must never say" list. i plan on using it for a fucking looooooooooooooooong time.

more adventures with my local city government

earlier in the week, i whined about a new 'fee' inserted in my water bill. transportation maintenance fee is what the city is calling it. well, puking my venom online wasn't enough. i wanted to puke this venom, er, speak with an actual city official about this little 'fee'.

so i called up our local utility office. i was surprised at how pleasant the receptionist was. he didn't sound like a robotic drone. i've called the offices before. whenever the woman has answered, she is about as exciting as a turtle.

i politely said i was calling about the transportation maintenance 'fee' and wished to speak with someone in charge. (ok, i didn't actually include the quotations when saying the word 'fee'. i cannot call it a 'fee' without adding the quotes as a sort of qualifier. in my mind it is a tax being it's coming from my pocket and going to the city to provide for services. and i wasn't given the chance to vote on it.)

i was immediately put in touch with someone. an actual live person. no voice mail to talk into. so blah blah, i stated my reason for calling, stated my upset over such a 'fee', and said i had some questions. live person said, "i would be happy to answer your questions."

well, anytime i let someone know i am upset and have some questions......and when this someone says they would be HAPPY to answer my questions, i immediately know i am dealing with someone who has a script in front of them or is going to speak a lot of gobbly goop.

"how is this fee determined? i have assumed it's based on my water consumption. is this correct?" i asked.

"actually, it is a flat fee and it's based on road usage. we did a national study and determined the average amount of time the average family uses the public roads, determined by how much time they spend in their car, driving back and forth to work, to school, to run errands, etc. from there we took the number of households in the city and came up with this amount. we also conducted a similar study for businesses in the city," was the response.

"what if a family rides their bike? what if the family doesn't own a car?" i asked.

"the family who uses their bikes, or walks on foot or uses the bus, all use the roadways," was the response.

"you mean to tell me people who ride a bike or walk for that matter have the same damaging effect on the roadways as does a car?" i asked.

"well no," was the response.

"so you are telling me that i am paying the same fee as a family who owns 2-3 gas-guzzling monster size vehicles?" i asked.

"yes," was the response, followed immediately by "i realize this doesn't seem fair. however, it would have taken us tremendous time and utilized tremendous resources in order to determine every family's particular transportation methods and how far they drive, etc. we decided a flat fee was the best way to go."

"even though it isn't necessarily the fairest," i said.

"you could say that," was the response.

"sounds like the typical government plan to me," i said. was there sarcasm and resentment brewing in my voice at this point? i believe there was.

"so tell me, why wasn't i informed about this earlier? i would have liked to have had the chance to voice my opinion," i said.

"oh, we advertised this on the local cable channel," was the response.

"we don't have cable," i said.

"well, we also put this in the city newsletter a couple of years ago," was the response.

"you're assuming i lived here a couple of years ago," i said. (i really did live here a couple of years ago--but i don't always read the city newsletter. i just wanted to make a point.)

"well we also put out this plan in numerous publications. we really did do what we could to spread the news," was the response.

"you know, the best way would have been to have attached a note to the actual water bill," i said.

"that would not have been feasible being the old water bills were very small until two months ago," was the response.

"that's a very convenient answer," i said.

this time there was silence.

"i'd like to ask you a personal question," i said.

"a personal question?" was the response.

"yes. a personal question," i said.

there was some hesitation. "all right," was the response.

"have you received a cost of living increase on a fairly consistent basis?" i asked.

"that is personal. and to answer your question i will say that i have seen my salary increase on a fairly regular basis," was the response.

"thank you for sharing that. now let me share my story. my income has actually declined 18% in the past 5 years. you see, i used to work for a local company that went out of business. since that time, i have had to settle on jobs that pay less. the competition is unbelievable and most of the available jobs are low end service type jobs. i haven't seen the city address these facts in any of one of the newsletters."

i was growing upset, so i took a breath and continued on.

"what i am saying is that i cannot afford another basic living increase. do you have any idea what it is like to live in this city, or this society for that matter, without having a secure little well paid job? private or public job for that matter? do you have any idea what it is like to see 50% of your income go to the high cost of housing in this community?"

i was on a roll, so i took another breath and trudged on.

"you want to see more funding for the streets in this town? QUIT WASTING THE MONEY YOU TAKE FROM THE PEOPLE. put a freeze on your salaries and start living more modestly like many of the citizens in this town. and begin demanding that the federal government stop stealing from the state and local governments so that they can fund their ongoing agenda of global domination. I AM POOR, lady. I AM POOR. and I CANNOT AFFORD FEE!" i looked around for a cigarette at that point, even though i don't smoke. give me something to inhale, my brain screamed.

there was silence on the other end for a few moments. finally came the response.

"i understand," was spoken in nearly a whisper.

"you can only understand it if you are living it," i said quietly.

"do you have any other questions?" i was asked.

"no," i said. then as an afterthought i said, "but i do have a lot more to say. and i am not going to be quiet. not anymore." then i hung up.

i later thought about this conversation. the government employees aren't the only people who piss me off these days. it's ANYBODY who doesn't see what is happening. anybody who doesn't see the work force enslavement. the greed. the gut wrenching, disgusting assault on the whole idea of the american dream....the home ownership, the savings, the retirement, the children, the family, the whole white picket fence bullshit of a lie. and the people who hurt me the most are people like my folks. my secure in their big homes folks. my folks who profited off of the housing and stock market booms. my folks who were able to create the american dream on ONE INCOME. one meager little office manager type income. back when employers gave ya benefits. lots of 'em.

it is these people who hurt me the most with their callousness. for you see, they are aware of what is going on. they comment on it. and they see me living it. and what do they have to say? "i wouldn't want to be in your shoes. i am just lucky the world was different when i was your age," upon which they return to their nice big comfy home.

:::deep sigh:::

honest to god.........at this stage in my life i simply do not know what to do anymore. it's all so overwhelming. too overwhelming. i'm not a rugged individualist. i used to be, or least i was good at pretending i was. now i'm just simply tired. when you're in quicksand, sinking, calling out for some help, looking around for some way out, a different way, a better way, you keep hoping someone will come along and will say "i see you" and offer you their hand.

faith. hope. words that are hard to digest lately. but other than my anger and my pain, it's all i feel i really have to rely on. and i am clinging tightly to them. i just don't know how much longer my grip is gonna last...

nina

Labels

i woke up this morning with that word running through my mind. "labels".

we as a society, as a world, have labels for just about everything, don't we. we most especially like to use labels when defining people and behavior.

"hey, he cut me off in traffic. he's an idiot!"

"she cheated on me. she's a liar!"

"my landlord raised my rent. he's a greedy bastard!" (used that one yesterday myself.)

yep, it's something we all do. however, accepting that isn't good enough for me. i want to know WHY we label people. at the very least, i want to know why i do it.

i think i have the answer. or at least an answer. i'll take my own example above--the comment about my landlord. it is true, he recently raised our rent. and as a result, i walked around yesterday, fuming, calling him a greedy bastard (and other choice words) both to myself and to others.

as i thought about this, i thought ok is he really a greedy bastard? i don't know why he raised the rent. while i find it unfair and am understandably frustrated that my income isn't going up to match the cost of other rising life expenses, is there something else going on inside of me that keeps me in this state of anger, labeling people whose behaviors i don't like?

the more i thought about this, the deeper i dove into the depths of my heart and my feeling place, i realized that i simply feel sad. overwhelmingly sad. i know life can be different. i know there is no need for greed. no need for poverty or suffering. i know there is no need for housing to be too expensive for so many. i know there is "enough" for everyone.

when you know life can be different...when you know it in your bones...when you no longer buy into the mantra "that's just how things are", something happens to you. you wake up to the illusion you've been living. that is when disillusionment sets in. and it's not a pleasant place. it feels heavy. the energies of despair and apathy permeate. some days it seems as though all i am capable of doing is watching the sky, my heart feeling so very heavy, while shaking my head now and then as i wonder "why?" over and over again.

maybe it's time we begin to explore our anger and the labels we so quickly slap onto people and situations when we are angry. there's something deeper beneath. there's a truth waiting to be explored. your own unique truth. my own unique truth. it's a scary place to venture to and i cannot guarantee it won't be without pain. a lot of pain. but there's also a sense of empowerment when you awaken to a truth. and awake, we can accomplish a lot more than if we were to remain asleep.

your anger is telling you something. take the time and listen to it.

nina

a face everyone could love

in the midst of the violence and fear that seems to bombard us from every media outlet, i thought it would be nice to share a picture of the sweet little face that greets my husband and i every morning. she's almost 7 years old, is amazingly intelligient, friendly, loving and loyal beyond words, and positively, absolutely obsessed with chasing tennis balls (or 'ballie' as we refer to them).

Radical Kindness

i thought of that term "radical kindness" upon reading the article (as linked in my title). i'm sure many of you have already heard of this story. the homeless man, staying in a shelter, out and about collecting bottles and cans, happens upon $30k in traveler's checks and rather than pocketing the money, turns them in to the shelter director, who in turn finds the owner. the owner then gives the man $100 and upon having the news story circulate throughout the country, the man has since received over $4,000.

i thought about this story and asked myself if i would feel the same way about this man if he had opted instead to keep the money. at first my reaction was "of course not!" being i am undertaking a new step in my journey that includes being aware of my defenses and my judgements, i began to wonder if my reaction was helping to contribute to the violence and fear and hatred that permeates our world.

my conclusion? it was and is.

so i began by asking myself "why would i feel differently about this man if he had chosen to keep the money?" i mean afterall--i hardly know the man. how could i pass judgement on him for one behavior? why, that is easy. it's ingrained in us to think in terms of right and wrong. black and white. we're even motivated in our behavior by fear of punishment and desire for reward.

all of it based on fear.

so then i began to imagine a scenario where this man had chosen to keep the money. having been close to being homeless myself once upon a time, having no source of income, i know how tempting it would have been for me to have kept a large sum of found money. i then imagined society embracing this man nonetheless. the term "radical kindness" then came to me. i mean honestly--how radical of a concept would that be to embrace a homeless man who essentially kept something that wasn't his? how many of us would be open to embracing such a concept? embracing such a behavior?

i imagine if he had kept the money, the news story would have had a more negative slant to it. the focus would be on some sort of punishment. some sort of punitive action and negative judgement.

i am curious to know what this man's motivation was for turning in the money. was it because he felt it was the "right" thing to do based on his values? was it because he was hoping for some kind of reward or recognition or help? did he stop for a moment and contemplate keeping it?

all of this is stirring up some thoughts i've been considering lately on the idea of sharing the wealth. communism to those who know the real meaning of the term. helen keller, i recently read, was a socialist and a staunch supporter of the communist agenda. i was applauding this essay until i reached one of the author's conclusion: most americans would be unwilling to support the socialist viewpoint. that was so discouraging for me to read. discouraging because it was a short-sighted assumption. discouraging because i believe that in our hearts, in that part of us that is free from the rules and judgements of our rigid black and white western thinking, we authentically do support the concept of equal sharing--and the author failed to dig deep enough to explore this possibility.

we teach this to our children for goodness sake, this concept of equal sharing. are we hypocrites? are we blind sheep, parenting unconsciously or semi-consciously?

i contemplate the idea why people hoard the wealth. the resources. what are they so afraid of? i know i am afraid of money--afraid that i won't have enough to support myself, own a home, have a nice savings acount. afraid i never will no matter what attempts i make. what is it that those with the wealth are so afraid of that they fail to look at their exagerrated lives and ponder this question: are there enough resources for everyone to live the life i am? be interesting to ask that question, eh? be even more interesting to hear the answer(s). reminds me of the bumper sticker: live simply so that others many live simply.... pretty powerful statement if you ask me......

president bush has the educational agenda of "leave no child behind". we need to truly embrace this concept and change the words to "let us leave no one behind".

i think people (myself included) have a sense of entitlement. i worked hard therefore i am entitled to this money. i do this job, therefore i am entitled to "x" amount of money. entitled to more money than this job or that. what about the idea that we are all worthy in what we choose to do with our lives? all jobs having an equal value in their own way.

we've removed the idea of sharing from our dialogue when it comes to money. in fact, turn on any of those tv courtroom shows and most cases are about people refusing to pay back a loan for a variety of reasons. the mantra of the judges are the same "do not ever lend money to family or friends". is it just me, or does this statement make anyone sad? there was one bold young man who was being sued by his niece for a loan she said she gave him. he was very openly upset and said he had given her money many times over the years and was very hurt this one time he asked her for money she expected repayment. the judge ripped into him and when she did, the courtroom bursted with applause.

sigh. that good 'ole rugged individualism at work.

i've given money to friends and family in the past when i've had it to give (which truth be told, has been less as i've gotten older--something i find a bit strange...). i give what i can afford and i don't expect repayment. i'm not saying i'm without fault in other areas of human life, but i believe my belief and behavior surrounding the concept of giving money is one that could really help create a more beautiful world. certainly less conflict.

in that same essay i referred to above, helen keller took many trips to a variety of towns and came to the conclusion that rugged individualism, the concept of "do it on your own" and "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is in fact largely a myth. the american economic class system is set up to make room for only so many to own the wealth. and not everyone is raised in an environment that supports our dreams but instead is an existance of abandonment and abuse. the world is hard enough--competitive enough as it is. having a supportive family environment increases your chances for success. while i believe in the absolute power of our thoughts and our intentions, i am no longer naive in thinking that this alone is what creates our reality. we all affect one another, therefore our success IS dependent not just on our thoughts and our intentions but by others from our family and friends on up to the school system, the class system, the economic system of capitalism and our own government.

it's always made me laugh when i hear people say "i made it on my own! got no help at all!"

so i return to this dear homeless man--this human being--this soul--living now, the same time that i am. maybe his story will inspire others to view the homeless as simply people. remarkably similar in our needs and desires. maybe his story will inspire others to think along the lines that i did. why did i cheer this story and why would i be more likely to harshly judge the same story had the man made a different choice?

ultimately it is only you and i who judge. the universe certainly doesn't. it is you and i who have the ultimate power, with the cooperation of this grand universe and with like-minds to create the reality we wish to see. and i have hope that you, dear reader, can begin to embrace the idea of a new reality based on equal sharing and on radical kindness.

WANTED: Happy News! Or two tickets to Europe will also suffice.....

what a week.............and i mean what a week.........the kind where come sunday evening, i slump down in my recliner and let out a sigh as i mutter "thank god that one's over!"

for starters, a job i was promised didn't come through. what made it more distressing to me was that i had to contact the person to find this out. oops--decided to hire someone else even though this same person had told me they would be in contact in 1-2 weeks to arrange a time to train me. just 3 weeks ago i had a phone interview suddenly canceled. why? company decided to hire others with high tech. background, even though their ad originally said no experience was necessary--they were instead more interested in those with great customer service experience/skills and a love of the arts. fit me perfectly, which is why i was asked to interview. never had an interview canceled like that. that was certainly a first. but it seems to be a growing trend amongst employers--this energy of inconsideration and thoughtlessness. or as i say when i am pissed off "what a flake!"

there was the guy i met at a party a month ago. he was good friends with the host, a friend of my hubs. a group of us were talking and he was talking with us about his non-profit he has and how he is looking for writers. i told him i had worked as a freelance writer for a few years awhile back. this peaked his interest--we talked about what he was looking for, etc. he said he would put me in touch with a woman who was going to be doing some writing for him. a few days later, the dude who hosted the party informed my spouse that i should know this friend of his suffers from schizophrenia. anything he says you just cannot take seriously. he creates a lot of stories in his mind. honest to god. my husband asked "why didn't anyone say anything to my wife? she was very interested in the possibility of working for him." his friend apologized for that and said he wanted to but didn't wish to embarass his friend.

at that point i was thinking "oh man......." that and he should wear a damn sign that says "i suffer from schizophrenia. anything i say cannot be taken seriously." but now that i have had these additional experiences--now i am thinking "WTF?!"

when it comes to trying to pick up additional part-time income, i have come to the conclusion that i have a "FUCK ME" sign around my body. invisible of course but still there nonetheless. i could write down my experiences in the job search/income producing as of late, but being i have a hard time believing my own 'bad luck' or whatever you want to call it, i will spare myself the time in doing so.

my spouse threw his back out and is now pretty much laid up. not so annoying when the weather cooperates or when i haven't had a suck ass week. however, we have been hit with 100 plus temps for the past several days and our little window a/c unit only cools things so much. we're used to temps in the low 80's during our peak summer time. this is unreal. as a result, he and i (and likely the whole state) are so drained from the heat, neither of us want to move. and someone has to fix some food, feed the dog, go the store, etc...........

a good friend of mine lost a friend of hers she had been caring for for the past several months. her death was inevitable but of course when it hits, it hits hard. so i tried being there for my friend as much as i could. she has also just dealt with the break-up of a relationship and some other personal crisis so the phone calls have been plenty and honestly, at this point for myself, just draining.

good lord.....i could use some caretaking right now!

i've been following the story of the young boy from virginia (or west virgina--can't remember). he's 16 and is dealing with a return of cancer. he doesn't wish to go through chemo or radiation anymore so he and his family have sought out alternative treatments. some social worker with a stick up her nazi-ass decided this was child abuse and neglect so she stuck her nose into where it didn't belong and got a court order for the state, granting them temporary custody where upon he would be ordered--forced--to check into the hospital and undergo the western way for treating cancer.

well naturally his family was outraged and they put up a fight. unfortunately, the family and ultimately, this young boy lost and the judge has ordered the boy be admitted to the hospital.

i hope they pack up and leave the country or at the very least, the state. i would be more than willing to put them up. i am sure they are receiving hundreds of similar offers. makes me want to put up a sign on my house that says "THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE. A GOVERNMENT FREE ZONE."

i watched a news story tonight about these americans who are wired 24/7. who work 60 plus hours a week. who IM and e-mail their own spouses WHILE AT HOME TOGETHER. who are so addicted to work and their gadgets they are missing out on real human connections. they talk about the downfalls of this loss as though they were referring to losing a cheap piece of jewelry. it's the new american way. gotta have more more more. gotta work more more more. gotta gotta gotta gotta do do do do.

the europeans have it right. they work less hours. they take tons of vacation. afternoon siestas. government paid health care. they also have less stress-related illnesses AND higher productivity than we over-worked, enslaved americans. (where's my visa and ticket overseas? any european wanna temporarily adopt a couple of burned out americans who are looking for a new way??) in as much as they have become westernized in their own way, they haven't forgotten what really matters: taking care of ourselves and one another. connecting with one another. pleasure and health and play. they haven't adopted the western rugged individualism concept. let's hope they never do.

the latest statistic on the average size home for americans? 4,500'. jesus louisus frigging flipping chrissy. i mean come ON don't these folks stop and think about the word gluttony??? who in the world needs a home that big? unless you have adopted a bunch of kids or run a medium size business out of your home, i cannot imagine anyone really NEEDING this size of a home.

i know some would say "that's none of your business"--the same crowd that says "that's none of your business" when i have asked "why do you own a hummer?" but know what? it is my business. it's my business because i care about our planet. if our planet could handle everyone owning a 4,500' home, could handle everyone driving hummers and other gas-guzzling vehicles, i'd say ok, so be it. however being this isn't plausible (and i am operating under the value that everyone is worthy of owning such a home and vehicle and that income should not be the determining factor that it is), that is why i feel i must speak out and say ok, come on now......let's rethink how we live. let's be more conscious of how we interact with those around us and our planet. let's be more responsible. let's begin to think in terms of "us" instead of simply "me".

this is probably why i feel so annoyed when i see these big name celebrities talk about poverty and other unnecessary, needless human suffering then get into their limo and go home to their 10,000 square foot mansions.

then there is the fighting in the middle east and the spin doctors of our corporate media doing their thing to provide the favortism for israel. violence though is entertaining. we're taught that. we eat our meals and watch violent programming on the news, in the movies, etc. study after study has shown that watching such violence has damaging effects on the body. it can raise blood pressure. it can release stress hormones. and watching such violence while eating provides additional damage. it's like before putting that bite of salad into your mouth, you pour a drop of gasoline on it.

that's why when i want to watch tv in the morning, i watch mr. rogers when i eat my morning cereal. : )

ok.........so it's just been too much of a week for me. i spent part of the day reading the book "the celestine vision" trying to center myself and restill my hope and faith. the author talks a lot about a changing world and how all of this chaos we now see will blossom into a new spiritual age where peace and harmony will be fully realized as we remember our authentic selves.

all i wanna know is this: IS THIS GONNA HAPPEN IN MY LIFETIME??? cause if not, i'm ready to pack up what i need, sell what i don't, and go find some abandoned cabin and live as far away from modern society as i can cause this american way of living no longer suits me.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive. Does that mean UFO's too?

last night around midnight, my hub and i decided to take advantage of the clear night skies. we gathered the blankets and pillows and settled down for a nightly star viewing. as we lay there silently, i thought to myself "it's been about a year since i saw a 'ufo' in the night sky. i'd really like to see another one." as an afterthought, i said to myself "it would be really cool to see one during the day."

as i watched the sky, i got this peaceful feeling. i thought it didn't really matter if i saw a ufo or not. what i was witnessing was beautiful and spectacular on its own.

after seeing a shooting star, hub and i decided to go inside and retire for the evening. i forgot about my desire to see a ufo and quickly drifted off to sleep.

this morning, as i was outside on my patio enjoying a quiet breakfast of cereal and freshly picked blueberries, i noticed something in the sky. it struck me as odd. it seemed to be out of place. it looked like a long cylinder with a small tail at the end. no wings. i remember thinking how wide it was. it was headed due west and was absolutely silent. at first i thought, given its size, maybe it was a local aircraft--a glider of some sort. but then i realized it was flying way too fast for a glider. it wasn't gliding--it had a definite course it was charting. and a local craft would have been loud. i determined it was even too fast for a regular jetliner and certainly too large, given the elevation. i later determined you could have fit 2-3 jets to cover the length and 3 or so jets to cover the width. we have enough air traffic over our house for me to distinguish between the different aircraft. this was something i have never seen in the daytime skies.

given it was moving along at a fast clip, i raced inside to grab my digital camera and told my spouse. he came outside with me and grew all excited. he kept insisting it was a ufo. "whatever it is, it's flying out in space," he kept saying. i was able to get two shots as it headed off into the horizon. however, when i uploaded them onto my computer, after zooming in as much as my photo editor program will allow me to, nothing appeared in the picture. don't know if that's due to my camera's pixelation or my photo editor software. or perhaps it's something altogether mysterious, much as this object itself was. (if anyone reading this has a good photo editing program and knows more about photo editing than i do-which is next to nothing-please contact me and i will gladly send you the two photos i took.)

the next step, we decided, was to check the nasa website. i kept thinking that it looked like the space shuttle. so after going to spaceflight.nasa.gov, there was no shuttle or ISS (international space shuttle) trackings. the shuttle is headed our way--but it's coming from the west, headed east and going to the north of us (the border of canada). this object was headed due west.

so who knows what it was. i used to believe that all unidentified objects in the sky were craft from other galaxies. other intelligient beings. now i have come to a place where i simply don't know. while i absolutely believe in life on other planets, in other galaxies (how people still don't know that is something i have a hard time being understanding of), i also believe there are so many projects and technologies our government and our military have been exploring and developing. it wouldn't surprise me one bit if one of these craft i have seen in the past 5 years (today's sighting making it 3) were one of 'ours'.

but until such information is made factual for my eyes and mind, i tend to lean towards the side of the mystery. this was not just about me seeing a ufo. it was about me making an intention, releasing it and having it come back to me in a surprising way. it's about my growing awareness, my "remembering" if you will, that we are not alone. we are part of some grand cosmic, wonderous intelligence that is always available to us to tap into. its scope beyond what our brain's are able to fully comprehend given our current evolution. whether this object i saw today was local or not doesn't really matter much to me. what matters is that last night i had the intention of seeing a ufo in the sky. the day sky. a desire i surrendered and actually forgot about as i went to sleep. a desire that came back to me, just 11 hours later.

that in and of itself is pretty darn cool. i may be just a little spot in this thing called life. but like all the other 'spots', i am equally as powerful, at least according to the laws of the universe. and that is about the most empowering gift i can imagine.

my city wants to impose a new tax

a telecommunications tax (all phone usage--cell, mobile, land). from what i understand, this would lower (or erase) a tax (franchise one i believe) on my bill, which would initially lower my phone bill. however, if i have voice mail, caller id, call waiting, etc., my bill would actually go up. i have voice mail so this tax would place its creepy little fingers into my pockets and want more of my income.

i thought about all of this earlier in the morning. i thought about the expenses in my life and my income. that ratio. here's what i put together. since 1999:

1) my housing costs (rental) have increased 20%

2) cable costs (if i were to sign up again) have increased 100%

3) electric costs have increased 30-35%

4) the cost of a basic plan for health insurance has tripled

and my income? drumroll, please...........

my income has decreased by approximately 18%. (i had steady employment until i was laid off.......replacement jobs have been extremely difficult to come by with the competition growing fiercely........i have had to settle for employment at a lower wage as a result.)

and now my city wants to impose yet another tax. and the well-to-do citizens of this city, the corporate supporters, are talking about how we're all in this together. how we must all pull our own weight. how this tax is needed to fund necessary city services. while i agree with them in theory, i would like to ask them what their income has done. has their income been able to keep up with the ever-increasing costs of basic expenses?

i have an idea. let us have this tax be an option. those who really support it can choose to toss in their change every month to ensure city services are adaquately funded. those of us who simply cannot financially withstand yet another hand-in-our-pockets-tax can opt out.

at this stage in the game folks, new taxes on those of us currently in the lower income brackets is unfair. we need to have a choice. the choice to opt out. those dollars and cents are better spent trying to get ahead.

Pink Floyd co-founder dies.

May he rest his peace..........and may this brilliant music always remain a part of our world......

would you like salt and pepper on that egg?

just another reason not to be plugged into your cell phone............

cell phone chatter

july is the month we celebrate cell phone etiquette. i am totally serious. i heard it on the radio. does that mean i am to be extra tolerant of the cell phone user who is rambling on about what they had for dinner to the invisible person on the other end, standing right next to me in line at the store? or does this mean the cell phone user needs to show the consideration and hang up until they are outside in their car to have their conversation. oh but wait--that would mean they would likely drive away while talking and pose a threat to those around them.

the guy on the radio who announced this month long holiday seemed confused as well to as to the meaning. anyone care to take a stab at this one?

i am not one to multi-task. this has probably weeded me out of certain employment opportunities and was likely behind at least one of my "sorry we must let you go" terminations. ask me to multi-task and i simply get flustered. ask me to focus on one project and i can stick with it for hours. don't even have to stop to pee or eat. i am capable of being that focused. in fact, once i am in that mental space, you can walk up to me, ask me to look at you and ramble off a request. it will appear as though i am both looking at and listening to you. however, looks can be deceiving. i am really still focused on my previous project. drives my husband nuts. he has slowly learned over the years to state the following: "nina. NINA. honey. LOOK AT ME. look at me please," all while tapping me on the shoulder. hearing my name a couple of times, followed by a tap or two usually begins to break the ice. once the other person hears me say "huh?" followed by a look of confusion can be assured i am slowly plugging myself into their reality.

my point is.......how do cell phone users have conversations and drive.....order their espresso's......shop for videos and groceries, etc.? i don't get it. i wouldn't know how even if explained to me. what would likely happen if i were to attempt to talk on the phone and say, oh, shop for groceries. my original intention would be to buy peanut butter, bananas and bread. i would likely leave with jelly, apples and hamburger buns. not too bad of an exchange of course but i would certainly not leave the store with the items in which i was shopping for. imagine if i were shopping for videos. dr. zhivago would be replaced with dr. death, ax murderer.

i have actually seen folks talk on their cell phones while riding their bikes. it used to make me laugh until i saw a young man fall off his bike while attempting such a feat. he had on no helmet and fell into the street, a street that is normally very busy. it obviously wasn't his departure time because miraculously, there was no traffic. he also avoided hitting his head. he did, however, manage to not drop his cell phone. explain THAT one to me would ya?

much to my dismay, cell phones are here to stay as are the public conversations. now they have those phones that have the plug that goes directly into the ear. for those who have hair that covers their ears, you can't even tell they're on the phone. until you realize this, they appear to be having a conversation with themselves. not a bad thing of course considering i do this myself at times. however, some of these folks, when they look at you in the eye, give the impression they are talking TO you. i had that experience a few months ago. honest to god, true story. i was in ROSS, the discount clothing store. i thought i was minding my own business when i heard a woman repeat herself. "hey are you listening to me? hello? i said are you listening to me?" i glanced up and she was looking directly at me. i did what anyone else would do. i looked around to see if she was talking to someone else. nope. no one else but me in the general vicinity. did i know this woman? nope. never seen her before. so i looked at her, pointed to myself and mouthed "me?" she seemed to stare straight through me. it was pretty creepy at this point. then what she said next made me turn and walk away to find the nearest psycho patrol. "fine. look, i said i don't want to be your friend anymore so stop calling me!" as i headed off i thought the words "stop calling me". calling me. huh??? i wasn't calling her. oh wait, i thought, turning around.....noticing she was no longer looking at me but instead was ripping something off her ear, stuffing it into her purse. that's when i understood.

my spouse's boss has one of those things....confuses my sweetie at times......not knowing if boss is talking with him or someone on the other end of that tiny microphone. as i said above, kind of creepy.

it all just feels so pretentious and downright weird to me. i screen my calls in my own home. i cannot imagine wanting to be wired to the world 24/7.

so given it is cell phone etiquette month i have a compromise to offer cell phone users. please keep your conversations quiet and private. you do that and i will promise not to give you dirty looks or think nasty thoughts. and please don't drive or bike and talk. we're counting on you to save the multi-tasking for when you aren't operating heavy equipment.