you've got to be kidding me.......

i couldn't make this shit up even if i tried........here's another quoted passage from yet another ridiculous employment ad:

maximum hours 29, most of the time less. hours and shifts vary weekly. must be available for day or swing shifts.

the pay for this enslaved to the system position? thirty cents above minimum wage. oh yeah and there's a background check and you gotta pee in the cup. can't smoke or drink caffeinated beverages either. (i'm not a smoker but for this kind of ridiculous slavery, i'd sure as hell need some sort of vice.)

so let me get this straight. i would have to be available day and swing shift hours. my schedule would vary from week to week. and the most hours i would be working, despite having to be available 16 hours of the day every single day, is 29??? oh yeah and i get thirty cents above minimum wage too??? WOW! where do i sign up????

i've seen this position (and others similar to it) repeat itself every few months or so over the past few years. here is what i would like to tell this particular employer (and all others who have similar insane expectations): hi. my name is nina. i'm a person, just like you. and just like you, i have a life. and bills to pay. i also have the need for dignity and respect. a need for equality. i also have a need for a regular schedule. it enables me to plan for things outside of the work environment. remember that i will only burn out if your world becomes the only one i participate regularly in. and i am sure you wish for me to stick around for the long term. that is what largely leads to your business being a success.

i would very much like to work for your organization as i believe in the work you do. so let me make you an offer. i will work for you. the following are my needs to complete the deal: 1) a livable wage. i have estimated that to be $12-$14/hour. if i perform my duties well, i will want regular (annual) cost-of-living increases and wage increases. 2) a pro-rated benefits package. i am willing to pay for some of this out of my own pocket given this isn't a full-time position. 3) a regular schedule. 3) trust and respect that is given and not earned. it is up to me to retain a good standing with you. this means that no, you may not have my blood or my urine and no, you are not free to perform whatever background check you wish to perform without my specific consent. 4) a relationship that goes both ways. i am as interested in you as you are in me. it is equally as important to me that i feel good about what i do and how i fit in and what you provide for me as it is for you to feel good about what i do, how i fit in and what i provide for you.

i am sure we can agree upon this. however, if you choose otherwise, you need to be aware that you will likely continue to see employees enter and exit on a regular basis. and i will continue to read your ads, sigh and shake my head as i say "no way. absolutely no flipping way........"