Employment Terms: The Real Definitions

Now that I'm back in the job market (something every ounce of my being is resisting, btw), I'm reading those lame-ass employment ads. When I think about it, they're really sales ads. Employers are trying to sell these job positions to potential applicants. Don't apply over there, apply with us! In the end, these positions are nothing more than lousy paying, boring positions, many of them so tedious and uninspiring, you can train a monkey to perform them. But nonetheless, these employers still do their best to sell themselves with an endless list of terms. Below is some of the terms they use and what they really mean.

1) Applicant must be energetic.
Truth: Must be under 30. Or live off of caffeine and no-doze.

2) Competitive wages.
Truth: $10/hour and under.

3) Professional office.
Truth: Uptight, always smiling folks who, well, all look and act alike but deep inside are yearning to rip off the pantyhose and white starchy shirts and ties and dive into yoga pants and birkenstocks and, well, see the following...

4) Drug and Alcohol testing.
Truth: It sucks so much to work here, most of our applicants need to be high or drunk much of the time, either here at work or after hours.

5) Benefits and Wages: Open to discussion.
Truth: If you want benefits, you will pay for most if not all of them. Willing to discuss wages up to $10-$12/hour. After that, forget it.

6) Must have Excellent Customer Service skills.
Truth: Must be willing to kiss ass and put up with a lot of demanding idiots for crappy pay.

7) Must be willing to work any and all shifts.
Truth: Must be willing to work any and all shifts. (No stretching of the truth with this one.)

8) Must know how to multi-task.
Truth: We know no one can multi-task on an on-going basis with great efficiency. But we still expect our workers to do that and we will ride your ass if you fail to perform like a robot.

9) Must be a team-player.
Truth: Gotta know when to suck it up and shut up, ignore your own truth, sell your soul perhaps, and go with whatever is expected from The Boss.

and lastly, my favorite...

10) Must have excellent communication skills.
Truth: Ok, this one is pretty silly since every one of us communicates in our own way and who can really determine what is excellent. It's all perception. We just include this, because, well, everyone else does. Not sure who started it. We're still looking into that... hint: If you can write and speak with understandable words at the fifth grade level, that's all that is really necessary to work here.