Job Titles I'm Well-Suited For

I'm tired of reading the usual, run-of-the-mill job titles. I want to pick my own along with their corresponding job description. So, closing my eyes, gathering up all of the magic in the Universe around me, I wave my hands, open my eyes and suddenly see the following job descriptions in the paper:

1) Professional cheese eater. Must love cheese. Must be able to eat up to one pound of cheese per week without gaining weight or getting a tummy ache. Must love to sit on a comfy chair and sample bits of cheese. Must know how to write descriptive details of both the cheese and ones personal experience eating it. Pays $185/hour with full benefits. Flexible schedule. 27 hours a week.

2) Professional rant and raver. Must have a passion for those things that make us angry and those things that make us estatic. Must have a flair for and appreciation of drama. Excellent writing skills. Pays $200/hour with full benefits. Flexible schedule. 22 hours a week.

3) Sky Observer. Employee will spend up to 25 hours a week staring at the sky during the day and evening. A written follow-up description will follow. Pays $377/hour with full benefits, including alien abduction insurance. Employer not responsible for bird dropping stains on employees clothing.

4) Piano Player. Employee plays the piano, songs of his/her choosing, at select locations. Pays $1.5 million/month. No benefits, but we figure hey, at 1.5 million cool ones per month, the employee can provide that for her/himself.

5) Professional Blogger. Individual will write daily blogs about a variety of subjects. No subject is off limits. Blogger will use a code name to protect her/his privacy. Any name is fine except Nina. That one, we hear, is already taken. Pays $500/blog. Benefits include experiencing days of no hits, plus vision to deal with the computer bug-eye syndrome.

6) Certified Hugger. Employee will approach select individuals and offer them a hug. While the job doesn't pay, the rewards are priceless.

7) Practical Jokester. Individual will pull a variety of tricks on unsuspecting individuals. Pays $99/hour. A protective cup is provided for male employees.

8) Bullshit Detector. Employee will visit local private and public entities, schools, etc. and call people on their shit. Corporate CEO's and government offices are our speciality. Must have a strong stomach cause we gotta level with ya, you're gonna find a lot of shit as you travel down those rabbit holes. Payment is on a sliding scale, depending upon the bull, and varies between $185/hour on up to 200,000.

9) Professional Smiler. Individual stands on the street corner and smiles. That's it. Pays $100/hour. Must be willing to withstand a lot of inquisitive stares...

10) Puppy player. Employee plays with puppies, anywhere from 2-15 at a time. Payment depends upon the number of puppies and their size (and uh, sharpness of their teeth and claws too). $75-100/hour. Individual must have a lot of energy for this position and know how to speak dog.