Speaking Out......But Is Anyone Listening?

i've concluded, no wait, i've fully accepted my existance is shit. or perhaps i should say i've fully accepted those things about my life i despise. it's an awful feeling--one i've avoided for quite some time in my attempts to change my life. sometimes though you've just gotta accept things as they are.

i was asked a few weeks back "what if this is all there is for you?" holy crap, i thought. absolutely no fucking way is that ok, tolerable, acceptable for me.

i liken the feeling to having your heart torn apart, your guts ripped wide open and thus you are bleeding, in need of help and yet no one sees. no one cares, at least not enough to help.

i've had so many of my dreams and goals gone unmet for simply too long. i'm fucking tired of going it alone. i'm too fucking tired to continue going it alone. course, it isn't like i haven't been asking for what i need. and want. i have. i just keep receiving the "NOPE" sign. i can't rely on mr. nina anymore than i already do. he's experiencing the same mental/emotional state.

living in poverty certainly can do this to a person. when you desire to own a home and when you desire to find/create employment that pays you a wage that ensures you will own a home--when this ongoing process continually fails to be achieved, something begins to happen to the psyche. call it a breakdown. i don't know what else to call it. what makes it even more difficult is when you are someone like myself, an idealist, the type who can accept reality but who also knows "things do not need to be like this", whose value system doesn't even come close to the capitalistic/rugged individualistic approach of our society.

it's even more painful when you have immediate family members who see you struggle, who themselves are doing swimmingly well financially and yet who don't do a damn thing to help. and when you ask for some help, you're met with judgement. my mother, who is doing very well financially, just sold her home for around $400,000. she is moving in with her boyfriend so they are combining households and therefore a lot of items must go. there are two things she knows my spouse and i have been in need of: a platform for our mattress and a couch. she has a platform she decided to get rid of. and yet she gave it to my brother and his wife. their income? over $100,000/year. our income? just under $25,000. yep. sounds fair to me.

anyone know what it's like to be the black sheep of the family? to be neglected, ignored? it's excrutiatingly painful. and i know i need to stop wishing and wanting for things to be different. but how do you do that? as long as i have a heart capable of experiencing emotions, this will always be painful. i believe in sharing the wealth. looking back on my childhood, i realize i always have. i shared my money with my brother countless times. gave him money to help him get through college. never even thought of asking for it back. yet when i asked him for money--the one time i did--a couple of years back, he said no. and yet this fucker, this greedy son of a bitch, this flaky lying asshole, just a few years ago when he took this good paying job, told me it would finally be wonderful to be able to help out family financially if someone ever needed it. as he said "afterall, that's what family is for. always there for you in whatever way possible, right?" i had tears in my eyes at the time, thinking "he's finally coming around!"

LIE. fucking fucking LIE.

i have a dream. i have many dreams. i dream of home ownership. i dream of having a child. i dream of having my own non-profit. i dream of seeing my music sung. i dream of writing a regular column for a publication. i have networked with so many people over the years in this town. i've written to oh so many "famous" type folks who i admire, who i believe in, offering my gifts, talents, skills. i've written the talk show folks saying I NEED HELP CREATING MY LIFE. whenever i hear of something, whenever life has brought something to me that says "follow this", I FOLLOW IT. and each and every fucking time it's a false lead. goes nowhere. i've become oh so pessimistic as a result. it's hard not to. i've resisted the apathy, oh god how i've resisted it. but it is there.

i need a life coach. i need someone who can help me realize and create my goals. i can do it with that support, that guidance. i need someone who will stick with me. (i say that because for awhile i was a client of vocational rehabilitation and within 2 months of sticking me with a job coach, they terminated my services--without warning. i begged them to reconsider as my job coach was wonderful. i asked if she would then work with me on a volunteer basis, saying i really needed the assistance. she couldn't--or wouldn't--do that. my motto: if you're unreliable, if you're a flake, STAY AWAY FROM ME.) i'm seeing a counselor to deal with the emotional pain of life. and yet i need so much more than that. my greatest pain i have realized is knowing i have yet to achieve the goals, the dreams i have set for myself. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. I NEED HELP.

of course i know life coaches charge, usually $75/hour or so. i don't have that kind of money (if i had the kind of career i long for I WOULD, course then i likely wouldn't need a life coach so that point is kind of mute, eh?). the counselor i'm seeing is free for x number of sessions (long story on that one that i won't go into).

blah blah blah. as i so often feel, i am screaming, but is anyone listening????????????