I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

That song has been running through my mind today. Well, not really the song. Just those 8 words, along with the melody. It seems like I've been looking for "something" for the past 15 years or so. I know it began right around the time I realized I wanted to get to know who I really am.

For some time I used to believe it was about finding the right partner. Well, I found him but that didn't take away the feeling. At times I think it's about finding the right career, and yet when I've had opportunities come my way or ideas jump out at me, I also know, "nope, this isn't what I'm looking for either." I look in the night sky in search of signs of other life, some lifeform that has all the answers, and yet when I've seen objects in the sky, the experience doesn't dissolve the feeling either.

This "thing" I am looking for feels just out of my reach. I don't even know how to describe it. I simply have this longing for SOMETHING. Is it to make me feel happy? Content? Special? Worthy? Is it to make me feel as though I matter, that I have something positive to contribute to the world?

Sometimes, like today, I am struck hard with the feeling that if I were to die this moment, would I leave any sort of real impact on the planet? What I mean is, maybe I'm not as important as I like to think I am, or as I WANT to think I am.

I've written some songs over the years that seem as though they are meant just for me, gifts, just for me to take in. One of the songs, Surrender, a rather haunting song surrounded in an air of, well, surrender, has the following lyrics that describe my search:

I've been searching, my whole life.
Looking around me, for the truth.
I've just wanted to feel I am worthy,
inside.

Another song, simple song, simple melody, which has remained untitled, has some interesting words on happiness:

Happiness isn't something you search for,
but rather found in every day moments.
Don't let life pass you by,
without knowing this.

I remember feeling pissed off and rather disappointed when those particular words came rushing through my mind. I was upset over the idea that happiness isn't something that is to be searched for, but rather, found. Here. Now. What about the whole "pursuit of happiness" we're indoctrinated with in our culture? Is it all really just an illusion?

Are we all searching for this "something"? Is it an earthly search? Is it simply a spiritual search? A search for God? A search for my own soul/truth? All of the above??

I can probably count on one hand the number of experiences I have had in which I feel complete peace, where everything is ok, where everything makes sense. The emotional experience is so vast, it's almost too big for my body to contain it.

Is that what I'm looking for?

Perhaps.

Will I ever know for sure?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Will I stop the search?

Hmmm.

Like I have a choice?