stuffed with turkey and some sadness

my sweet and i had a quiet holiday...........napped.......watched a movie........had some good conversation.........cooked up a storm and ate more than we needed to, although our little pooch had no complaints in this regard..........being we feed her a primarily fresh food diet, she loved the turkey and veggies and gravy.......i even let her have a tiny bite of pumpkin pie...all three of us were crashed on the couch by 8pm........there was even some snoring.

there was some sadness this year, as there often is for the two of us. neither of us are that close with our families, the past few years having brought this to our full attention. the sadness this year though was a bit different. it was tinged with a bit of acceptance. a forlorn acceptance, this inner knowing of "that's just the way things are", but still an inner hope and wish for something different, something better. something more. no one in my spouses family called. my mother did call, though, something i had already expected. phone calls with her are often of the mixed-emotion kind. there's that longing for something different mixed in with the knowledge that i will never have the connection i want or need from her.

we could have invited any number of them down, but we no longer do that. it gets old asking your family to please come visit, only to hear "yes we must do that" over and over again, the words being just that: words. without action. it's painful.

i had been hoping to speak with my brother. he was going to be staying at my mother's place thanksgiving evening and she had said she could call when he was there. i said i'd like that. i have been trying to get to know my brother for years. after making numerous visits to his home, after opening up to him about who i am, what i think and feel, what i want for my life....you know what i speak of......those things you say to those with whom you wish to develop a real relationship........after i took those risks and was met with so much judgement from him, after being told to shut up, after being told my opinions were bullshit, my feelings were crap and that statement he made in which i will never forget: "i disagree with almost everything that comes out of your mouth" (which at the time i remember thinking, how can you say that when you hardly know me??).......after speaking with him about all of this and saying "you don't even know me"..........after him listening and agreeing........after hearing him make promise after promise of offers to come visit us......to call more........to listen to me without judgement.........after all of this went nowhere, i let it go. fuck it, i thought. i don't need this from anyone, i don't care if he is "family". if he really is that interested in knowing me, he can take the next step. i made the last phone call 10 months ago. i haven't heard a word from him since--the longest we've gone without speaking.

so i was hoping when my mother called, my brother would be there and would want to speak with me. i was surprised when, at not quite 5pm, the phone rang. it was my mother. i told her i thought she was going to later in the evening when my brother was to be there. she said he had gone out to a movie. rather than question it, i just let it go. if i were to question it and show any sort of thoughts surrounded with any sort of emotion, i would be hushed in some way. my family's funny weird strange in this regard. have an emotion??? why that's a sin! they're so robotic at times, it can be quite uncomfortable to be around. i can remember funerals where no one showed their sadness. everyone walked around very stiff and formal. i thought this was normal until i went to my friend's sister's funeral in college. the tears were flowing. grief was everywhere. as sad as this was of course, in a way it was so refreshing to me. PEOPLE IN FAMILIES ACTUALLY CRY TOGETHER!! wow.........

my dad, who i also didn't hear from, is not like this though. when dad's angry, you know it. when he's sad, you know it. this is likely where i get my ability to show my emotions, although i still have the energy/influence from my mother's side of the family to keep it all inside and put on a smile instead.

my dad is another family member with whom i kind of tossed the towel in this year as well. his retirement activities are his priority. i guess if i had had a good relationship with him growing up, i would be more supportive of this, more understanding, but being his needs always came first while growing up, it just adds fuel to the fire. he has also made numerous promises to visit, each one never seeing a follow-through. one such visit he simply never showed. a few weeks ago i tried speaking with him about this, saying how much i would love to visit with him. oh but i am so busy each day playing golf, he said. well what about on sunday, i asked. oh that's rest day, he said. ok well maybe you can skip saturday golf to come spend the day with me, i asked. he gave a "eeehhhh"--one of those points of hesitation, which to me was a "ok i know i COULD but i really don't want to and i know you're my daughter and i shouldn't want to say no but that's what i really think so instead i'll just say eeeehhh".

dad's another family member in which i had made numerous trips to visit. our last visit happened because my spouse and i went to visit him. part of me says if this is the only way you can see them, you'll just have to make the effort.

and yet, what's the point? why would i want to invest any energy into a relationship that is not being created by both parties? family or not, it isn't ok with me. and given our one vehicle needs transmission work, we're certainly not comfortable driving it out of our area. the family knows this, too.

that kind of makes me laugh. when we first discovered our transmission issue, at first it felt like a huge burden. when you're low income, coming up with over $1,000 feels like a very big mountain to climb. when we have been able to save that kind of money, a medical expense or other more important expense comes along. now i see though that this car problem has opened up my eyes. for you see, when we first learned of the problem, i thought "ok well now our families will have to come to us until we fix this situation." i had hopeful visions of family visits at our place. maybe even a holiday or two.

reality can be a bitter pill to swallow..........

nonetheless, as i said, this year's holiday sadness was a bit different. there was more acceptance. maybe resignation. perhaps a bit of the two. and because of this, i was able to focus more on the family that was right there in front of me: a wonderful husband and the sweetest, cutest puppy dog on the planet.