Some Days It's Just Better To Stay In Bed

We've all had those days. Those days when, after halfway through the day, you realize it was likely your day to simply just stay in bed. Today has been such a day. For starters, I woke up feeling as though someone had been beating and pulling on my right side all night. Major muscle cramp going on of the unexplainable kind. If that weren't enough, my bones felt as though they belonged to an 85 year old invalid.

Given all of this, I wasn't able to get comfortable anywhere. Bed. Couch. Recliner. Floor. Concrete patio out in the 30 degree rain. You name it. It was apparent that my body was letting me know comfort would not be a top priority today.

So I did what any other person would do. No, I didn't throw back a few shots or inhale whatever substance I could get my hands on. I went grocery shopping.

Bad choice. Bad bad choice.

To begin with, I pulled into the local Saturday-insanity grocery store. After driving around for awhile, I finally find a spot. And it's close to the door. Yes! Jackpot! However, pulling into the spot meant I had to back up a bit, so I look in my rearview mirror and see a car coming up behind me, enough of a distance for me to start backing up. So, I put the car into reverse and very slowly began to back up, letting the other car behind me know he needed to stop and do the same. However, this asshole chose not to comply with my wishes. Instead, he kept inching forward. So, persistant person that I am, I kept backing up. When it was obvious this guy wasn't gonna budge, I sat in my car for a few moments, car still in reverse, thinking what in the fuck is up with this man? So I tried it again--inching back a teeny tiny bit.

Asshole still ain't budging.

I had also checked to see if there was anyone in back of him preventing him from backing up.

Nope.

So I give him the universal "fuck you" finger and pulled away, into the next available spot. As I get out, I notice he had taken the spot. The spot that I saw first.

Usually I'd let something like this go. But not today. I took this as a personal assault. It was simply another sign of a System of bullies who don't know a damn thing about human decency. I headed into the store, on a mission to find this fucker and subject him to one of my long, rambling but very meaningful diatribes.

Rather than trying to calm me, Mr. Nina opted to just let me be.

Good choice.

Upon entering the store I realized how futile my decision was. I had forgotten it's Super Bowl Weekend, which meant half the town and 99% of the college students were fighting for space so they could load up on cheap beer and hydrogenated products.

You know there's a mass dysfunction when people are able to zone out enough they forget that by watching such (stupid pathetic pitiful moronic) sporting events, they are only serving to further the elitist agenda, the sports owners, their corporate cronies and the media. I have nothing against sports. Just the fanatics and their fanaticism along with the elitist backing.

But I digress...

So quick as a flash, we grabbed our items and got the fuck out.

Upon arriving home, I decided to do a little vacuuming. Turns out that was a bad choice, too. For starters, I forgot to attach two of the filters I had removed earlier in the week in order to give them a good cleaning. The sound coming from the vacuum made it very clear of my mistake. So I install the filters and start vacuuming away. However, after a few moments, I notice there's no sucking action going on. At least nothing's being picked up. So I look down and realize the nozel had come unattached from the base.

With that I pushed the whole thing away from me and said I was finished with any and all domestic chores for the day.

Except for the laundry, apparently.

For as Mr. Nina came over to me to remind me I still had on my coat and give me a hug, he gently pulled off my coat while saying:

"Honey, it looks like a bird shit on your jacket."

Sure enough, he was right. There it was, right there on the shoulder. Bird crap.

A shot of elijah craig and some other goodies now await me as I finish up my story for today. May your weekend be super bowl fanatic and bird shit free. And may your vacuuming and parking days be hassle free.