Trying To Understand

Anyone see The Matrix? One of our favorite movies. We own all 3. The first is by far the best, imo. When I first saw it back in, when was that, 1999 (?), something about that movie stayed with me. It touched on something I knew to be true about reality, deep deep within that oft tucked away space. I couldn't shake the feeling.

After taking on my journey of searching not only within but with"out", I began to further understand the feeling. I most particularly relate to Neo's character, when he was shown the "real" reality. That experience you have when your brain struggles to wrap around something that seems completely unreal.

No, it can't be true. It simply cannot.

I also relate to another character in the movie, the one for whom "reality" becomes simply too difficult to manage, he opts for betrayal in order to return to his slumber, but only after being promised he won't remember any of his actions of betrayal.

Sometimes when I get some new insight into life, I trace it back to this movie. I had a real doozie over the weekend that felt like a punch in the stomach. I trembled as I shared it with Mr. Nina, only to break down in tears afterwards. Sometimes, even I'm surprised at what my intuition brings to the surface.

There are some things about certain behaviors I simply cannot grasp. I don't see how I ever will. I certainly try. I try and understand how some groups and individuals can "lead" in the way they do, create the policies they do. One of my driving desires of live is to understand why people do what they do. I want to know people's motivations, their intentions behind their behaviors. I want to know what their childhoods were like. I want to know the messages they received. I want to know what they were told about who they were, who they would be, who they should be.

Sometimes this helps me.

But sometimes, I cannot come up with anything that would lead certain individuals to do what they do. Especially time and time and time again. For some folks, something seems to be missing.

I'm struggling a lot right now with faith, with hope. After being so angry for so long, that has turned into pain. Seems all I want to do is cry. I know I'm having one hell of a time with this whole holiday season. Who am I kidding? I usually do. However, after a moment of inspiration earlier in the week, I set out to put up some holiday decorations. About halfway through, I stopped and thought about what I was doing. I did more than that. I asked myself, outloud, "what in the hell am I doing??"

I then stopped and left the area as it was. I later returned and finished it.

Why?

Who knows. Perhaps it's because of my desire to finish something once I start it (ok, my desire to finish things I CAN SEE that is). Perhaps it's because I like the softness of the lights. Good lord, I was even singing christmas carols for awhile.

Oh well. It's taken me a long time to come to grips on what I call the "real world/system", to accept how I view it all. I only deal with this holiday stuff for a few weeks out of the year.

Maybe by the time I'm 80 or so, sitting on my front porch god knows where sipping a nice cognac or smoking some wacky tobaccy will I have figured out this whole holiday thing and why I have such mixed thoughts each year.

Until then, I would like to pull a Rip Van Winkle and sleep my way through this month.