speaking the truth of my heart--in other words sometimes a "fuck you" will suffice

i am notorious for wanting to say something, but instead i stop and think "that's not nice" or "that's not appropriate" and either shut up or say something contrary to what i had originally wanted to say. has this worked for me? uh, no.

i remember once while in a counseling session a couple of years ago saying "it would feel SO FREEING to just say it as it is. feel what i feel. say the first thing that comes to mind without stopping to censor myself." i went on to say "in fact, i would love to just say 'fuck off' to someone. just once--fuck off."

i have finally arrived at a place where i can't be a doormat anymore. not for anyone. not for family, friends or employers. i took a risk and told someone with whom i was doing work for, well no let me correct that--for someone with whom i was SUPPOSED to be doing work for but this someone couldn't get their act together and come up with a working plan for me--i took a risk, said what i needed, pointed out how they were not meeting this need, and said i can't do this anymore. i cannot work for people who do not meet these needs. felt so damn good. i hesitated because i am the type who doesn't like to let things go until i can see a replacement situation. and being this involves money and being i am not making nearly what i desire nor deserve, that created even more hesitation. but something in me said "do it. trust. speak your truth." and i did. and it felt oh so fucking awesome.

i still have the desire to say "you're a flake". why is that? i can speak respectfully and assertively but still have that part of me that wants to say "you're a flake. fuck off."

i have learned no one will come to my rescue and speak for me or defend me. well ok, either than my spouse. he'd go to bat for me in a heartbeat and at times i have to literally hold him back from going on the attack on my behalf. he's a big guy who wouldn't hesitate in kicking the shit out of anyone who harmed me, intentionally or not. while i love that about him, i know that wouldn't make me feel any better about myself. i have a voice. it's time i use it more effectively and assertively.

i have endlessly let people cut in front of me in line (although do that in traffic and i'll "fuck you" from the safety of my car). i have let people's children run into me without saying a word. i have let certain family members lie to me and say ugly things all while i take it in without a word. i have let employers dick me around with excuses while i do nothing but take a deep breath and pretend things are ok. i have let people promise me one thing and not deliver and not say a damn thing other than "oh that's ok." NO IT'S NOT. NONE OF IT IS OK WITH ME. ENOUGH.

there is conflict within me as to how to speak my mind. i have studied non-violent communication and while i love how you focus on your needs and how they are being unmet, there is no room to tell someone to "fuck off". that is considered an act of violence. but isn't it ok to be violent at times? i mean come on, don't some people at certain times have a big "fuck off" coming their way??? i have a big list of situations with certain individuals who are worthy of such an outburst from yours truly. i remember once as a teen, my parents were, in my teenage mind, being unreasonably unfair. after trying to communicate with them, realizing i was getting nowhere, i became so enraged with teenage angst that i blurted out "you two are FUCKED". emphasis intended. ooooh, how great that felt. however, that relief was immediately replaced with fear. terror, actually. i had never muttered that word before in their presence. visions of beatings and being thrown out onto the streets raced through my mind. however, my parents were too shocked to do or say anything. instead, after their eyes returned to the front of their sockets and their jaws returned to their appropriate setting, they simply acted as though that word had never been spoken.

i felt a boost of power that day. for indeed, sometimes in speaking one's truth, there is nothing more powerful, direct and eloquent as a good old-fashioned "fuck you" to make your point. i must remember that........