the day after

christmas is over. bittersweet. had some excellent food. my two closest friends called which was very comforting. watched some movies and snuggled w/the hub. had some entertaining phone calls with some family members. had some painfully frustrating conversations with others. got to hear about the time, sweat and money my bro and his wife have put into building their new "you must believe in jesus lest you wish to enter hell upon death" dogma center. (aka: church). if i had drank more wine i would have had the courage to say "bastard" and hang up. sob can't help out his own sister when i asked but he sure as hell can invest himself into his church. hub's mom and dad is the same way. i will never understand these folks who say 'we serve the lord'. doesn't that mean you serve those you love and care about first and foremost?

got to hear from my dad's wife about the foreigners in their area, how in some places "we [the white folks] are the minority." also got to hear her mention the term "lower class" when referencing the foreigners. wtf does that mean? my dad is into the whole class thing, which is a joke considering he grew up poor, and you cannot take the poverty experience out of the human. dad's still that simple poor kid down the street at heart. he just likes to tell himself he's ok because he has money. it's sad in a way. what is insulting to me is that my spouse and i are part of this "lower" class, as defined by society, as believed in by my dad and his wife, so why she would even reference this in such a way is beyond me. perhaps it's the foot and mouth disease.......

also got to hear from my spouses siblings and bitch-from-hell sister in law ranting in the background. she has her religious foot stuck so far up her ass, she refuses to visit us simply because my hub failed to wish her a happy easter one year. when she flipped out on him for this "sin", he asked her to calm down. when she refused, he hung up. she has refused to speak with him since. well, we sent the family a package anyway, a package we asked if they had received given hub's brother (sis-in-law from hell's hub) didn't mention it arriving. he wasn't sure where it was so he asked sil from hell. we heard her in the background as she said it arrived a week ago and she said very catty-like, "it's at the post office. we'll get it later, geez!" no "thank you". no acknowledgement. nothing. that's it, as i told my spouse.

actually that's it in terms of gifts we send without acknowledgement, which means next year, instead of 10 packages, i'll be limiting it to 2. if whatever it is i am giving to or investing in isn't coming back to me in some way, even in the form of an acknowledgment, then i will no longer invest my energy.

some people would say "love anyway". i say that's a quick road to disappointment. i've tried to do the "have no expectations" mantra. i can convince my head of it but not my heart. never my heart. certain experiences i can release the need for expectations. but when it comes to family, when it comes to those who you know in your heart are supposed to love you, i cannot escape the needs, the wants. so, while i can love in my heart and have hope, i will no longer invest my time and energy into anyone or anything that is not answering me back in kind.

so another christmas has come and gone, leaving me thinking why do i celebrate it at all. each year i invest less and less energy into the whole event. i haven't believed in the whole jesus story in a very long time, if i ever really did at all. maybe a few years as a kid when i was brainwashed by the church. maybe it's the desire to create more time with people of my choosing, people i feel a real connection with and who feel the same about me. creating my own family. and taking the time to celebrate together. celebrate the simple act of spending time together laughing, crying, talking, eating. even arguing now and then, then working through understanding and forgiving. being real.