A Rather Strange 4th of July

(photos of a past 4th of July)

The past few July 4th's have been rather unusual for me if only because my gradual awakening to world/political realities. While in the past few years I've felt a growing combination of anger and sadness, yesterday I simply felt apathetic. Sure, we put up the flag, but it didn't stir much in the way of emotion for me. I had the idea of making a giant poster that would have read "This Country Belongs to Us All, Not Just George Bush and Co." However, we have a GWB lover next door and at this point, anyone who loves this guy is someone I don't trust. I thought I could remove the 'George Bush and Co' and instead use the term 'Fascists', however, I finally decided that may have disturbed him as well. And plus, I wasn't all that motivated to promote my "agenda" for the neighbors to see. It felt too much like a chore.

So up went the flag. Now following this tradition, Mr. Nina usually decorates my arms and neckline with the words "Truth", "Justice" and "Freedom", as seen above. I love those words and what they represent. What they are supposed to represent. What they used to represent. But yesterday that too felt like a chore.

So instead, we had waterfights. We played with the dog. Drank a lot of water and lemonade. Ate some delicious grapes. We took a walk and met up with the neighbor kids down the street, one of whom was celebrating her birthday yesterday. She gave me a big hug as I wished her a happy birthday and listened to her as she told me about her chocolate cake and presents, talking in the way that children do--100 miles per hour but still somehow you are able to follow along.

We also watched a few moments of tv until hearing the song "Proud to Be An American". Those lines "where at least I know I'm free" is what did it. "I can't watch this," I said, leaving the room. Yeah, how fucking free am I when I fear my own neighbor simply because he supports GWB? When our own government has encouraged us to spy on one another. Where the word "terrorist" can be used for any act considered to be against the current political agenda.

Freedom. What a crock. Now I realize we have more freedoms in this country than in many if not most other nations. However, that doesn't matter all that much to me. That tactic of "others have it worse" has never done a thing for me other than to annoy me. It's a tactic to divert attention away from matter(s) at hand, period. What matters to me is where I live NOW. What MY experiences are NOW. What's going on NOW. If Freedom truly did reign in this nation, we would all be free to think, speak, do, consume, behave as we please in so long as that action was not interfering with another's right to enjoy the same Freedom. Freedom, in it's purest form, is a HUGE concept to grasp and understand. And live by.

Later in the evening we did enjoy a traditional barbecue. I even made a potato salad. The heat of the day had subsided and a really nice cool breeze had picked up. I started to feel a little more patriotic. After the sun went down, we loaded up some munchies and headed downtown to watch the fireworks. We parked in the employment department parking lot like we do every year, pulled out our lawn chairs and waited for the show to begin.

All was pretty quiet for a bit until a bunch of red necks (and I mean red necks in the purest truest most absolute sense of the term) cranked up their volume. They were sitting a fair distance from us and when we arrived, they were being a bit loud, but not in a way that was too annoying. However, as time passed and as more beer (or whatever it was they were drinking) was consumed, their volume levels went up. Chants of "WHERE THEM FIREWORKS" and "SHUT UP YOU REDNECK" followed by fits of overly loud, obnoxious laughter became our entertainment. Once the fireworks began, they didn't even seem to be paying attention, although their "where them fireworks" chants had ceased. We thought about moving, but we figured we'd hear them anywhere in the parking lot.

I soooo badly wanted to walk over to them and say WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP, or something perhaps more polite, but given there was a large group of them and only two of us (and I am not that threatening looking although Mr. Nina will tell you otherwise at times), we decided to just make the best of it and keep quiet.

The show, overall, was a total disappointment. The fireworks weren't as good as they used to be and the show seem is getting shorter. We could see maybe half of them--there seemed to be a lot going off at ground level. We weren't able to determine whether this was accidental or intentional. And the show only lasted for about 20 minutes. We were packed up and in our car by 10:30pm. In years past, I remember leaving at quarter 'til 11.

We stopped off to get some ice cream at the store, headed home and lit off our own fireworks. We were about halfway through when Mr. Nina noticed I wasn't enjoying myself and asked if I wanted to save the rest for New Year's. Gladly, yes, I agreed. I just couldn't get into it. Again, I felt like this was a chore, something I was supposed to do. And plus, I felt this guilt as I watched the smoke swirling upwards into the sky. This was the first year I thought about how our actions of lighting fireworks were effecting the planet.

"Let's just watch the sky for a few moments then go to sleep," I said.

As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about the days events. I chose to focus on the moments of playing with the dog, holding Mr. Nina's hand while watching the fireworks, the hug I enjoyed from the neighbor girl down the street. Despite that, in the back of my mind, I was not able to shake that sense of apathy I feel towards America, towards what has become of Her. On this Independence Day, 2007.