Needs and Why We Fight

Events of last week of a personal nature have had me thinking about conflict, why we fight, why we get so angry with one another. From the most mundane of silly human squabbles to the most intense, violent, massive-scale all-out wars, I've come to the conclusion that at the core of these situations are unmet needs. And likely, these needs aren't known, or at the very least, we don't know how to express them in the "best" way that will increase our chances of seeing those needs have been met.

Our needs are pretty similar across the board. We have our emotional needs, which include a need to feel appreciated. Respected. Acknowledged. Heard. Loved. We have environmental needs for quiet and safety. Physical needs include clothing, safe shelter, abundant and healthy food and water. And yet despite all of this, we continue to scream at one another, insult one another, especially those with whom we disagree, and often times, with those with whom we love the most.

It's become commonplace to say "wake up" or "you're a blind sheep" and other such phrases towards those with whom we disagree, especially on political and social issues. I'm guilty of it myself for sure. And yet as time passes, a little voice inside of me keeps telling me I can do different, be different. There's a saying that goes something like "when we know better we do better." I prefer to say "when we know different we do different." I mean afterall, isn't "better" just another judgment call? Who says what is better? Maybe there's just different.

So what does this "different" look like? For me, it would be a whole new way of communicating. Last summer I began studying Marshall Rosenberg's (I hope that's his name) method of non-violent communication. It felt weird for sure--almost superficial. But that's how new behavior feels. Unnatural. But when the results produce more peace and love within you, you know you've struck gold.

Like all the rest of the humanoids when trying new behaviors, I fell off the wagon with this method. And I want to get back on. So here goes a new attempt.

I get angry a lot on my blog. And I know I fuel most of it on my own, mostly because I am neglecting to figure out exactly why I am angry and what need of mine isn't being met.

My latests outbursts have been about health care. I am angry there is any resistance towards the idea of a major overhaul of the current system to enable it so that all have access to health care. I am angry with those with whom the system works just fine for them while ignoring (or insulting) those who have an issue with the same. And yet beneath that anger is a voice of pain trying to speak out. And just what exactly is that voice wanting to say? That she needs to feel protected, safe, secure. She needs to feel worthy--as worthy as everyone and anyone else. She needs to be seen and heard. She needs to know she matters. And at a truly idealistic level, she really longs for an environment of peace and love. Love In Action. We're all equal. There is no having to "prove" any of it.

The rest of me is resistant to these needs given how foreign they feel, at least in expressing them. It's much easier to get pissy and angry, even sarcastic, and toss out an insult or two, throw in a few "fucks" and "god damn's". There's the voice that doubts these needs will ever be met, that doubts I'm even worthy of them. But those are fleeting and weak, all based on fear. And lies.

So what do you say fellow bloggers? Can we start communicating in a new way? Next time a post here or elsewhere really pushes your button, dig deep. Maybe that anger is simply about a need that isn't being met. This may not make for interesting reading in terms of our human addiction for the chaotic, the controversial. But if our intention really is about wanting a better world (and maybe at times that isn't what we want--and that's ok--as long as we acknowledge it), a new way of communicating with one another is overdue. What do you think?