rambling........

received an e-mail for single women and how to behave in the right ways to find and keep a man. the last time i was single was about 10 years ago. my only rule for myself was to be myself, however that was. i figured if i said or did something the man thought was off, inappropriate or simply weird, he would be "man enough" to tell me. if not, he wasn't the right one for me. i also knew that once that right man came along and entered my life, i wouldn't have to put on false heirs or behave in ways that weren't really a part of me. he'd know i was the one for him and nothing would stop him from being with me.

i was right. he came along, announced on the first date he only dated one woman at a time, announced he wanted to get to know me better, and announced (what would likely scare away most women) he was looking to get married and have a family. at first i thought "are you nuts?? we just met!" but then i realized--hey, this guy knows what he wants and isn't afraid to let me know.

i was and am today so grateful for how direct and brutally honest he was with his intentions right off the bat. i wasn't left wondering how he felt about me, what he thought about our relationship, etc. we never followed the traditional "take it slow" advice. within 2.5 months, we were living together. and ever since that day, he has always remained very open with how he feels about me and about us. sometimes that's lead to some intense conflict, usually because we're both intense, passionate, stubborn human beings, but overall it is always best to just be yourself in all situations. masks only serve to hide ourselves from one another. being just ME is so much more freeing.

lots of talk about immigration.........illegal immigrants............my main "beef" is with companies who hire these folks, pay crappy wages and no benefits........they see their profits increase while jobs once belonging to legal americans are taken away. and that burns me up inside.......although i can see another side, the side of the consumer, who will use services of the companies who employ illegals.........it's usually cheaper that way.........and we all know incomes have simply not kept up with the price of housing and medical care and other expenses of living........americans are in great need of finding ways to save a buck.........

take for example a neighbor mine. he recently hired a roofing contractor to put a new roof on his house. this contractor hired only illegal immigrants and was thus $4,000 cheaper than area competitors, who hire legal residents.

on the one hand, i can see my neighbor's reasons for his decision. he's on a very fixed income. and on the other hand, i can understand those who would like to see this contractor given a brow beating.

there really is no black and white. in anything. life is a giant paradox shaded in gray.

a former neighbor of mine, a single mother, illegal immigrant with 3 american-born children. she had been in this country for 17 years, spoke very little english and had never paid a dime in taxes, even though she spent much of those 17 years cutting hair in high-end salons in southern california, getting paid under the table.

i had a real issue with that situation, someone in this country, enjoying a free pass, so to speak.

there is the obvious fact--there is only so much physical space in this country, although human beings tend to need their space, so i believe either the influx will slow down or some americans will simply choose to migrate elsewhere. what i am saying is that there is a natural order to things.

italy may be nice. laid back, friendly. incredible food. all of that fresh cheese and pasta and fresh breads and wine. and the coastal regions. spectacular scenery. i've never been, but a family member went and remarked how wonderful the country was, how she had a desire to live there if circumstances in her life were different. i once had a friend who visited italy. when she came back she told me i would appreciate their culture, especially how openly expressive and passionate they are. public displays of affection and emotion are not frowned upon as they tend to be here in the western world.

laid back culture. friendly, down to earth folks. excellent cousine. wonderful culture. spectacular scenery. time with family and friends highly valued and not just given lip service. and i can be ME, my emotionally expressive, passionate, intense, tempermental self and not be judged for this?

where's my ticket!

N.

sometimes i'm just 'meant' to be someplace

i've been depressed lately. feeling unimportant. feeling as though i have no purpose, no importance upon this world.

yesterday afternoon and today have me thinking differently.

i visited the local food bank yesterday. i always meet the most down-to-earth, fascinating people there. yesterday was no exception.

i walked in and noticed a line. that was ok by me. gave me time to browse through the magazines, free for the taking. i spotted 2 large piles of national geographic mags, dating back to 1962, most in immaculate condition. amazed by this found, i thought 'this must be my lucky day!' some likely are collectors, especially the one with the picture of eisenhower giving the peace sign on the cover.

as i picked them up and returned to get in line, the woman in front of me noticed the load i was carrying. 'find anything interesting?' she asked.

'yeah, i really did!' i said, showing her the mags.

well in time, she and i are talking about our lives. she shared with me her current situation and how if it hadn't been for the kindness of a good friend, she would have been homeless for several months.

breaks my heart to hear that and inspires me at the same time.

she had such a sincerity to her eyes and her voice. those who say the homeless or those at the bottom of the income chain are criminals or lazy have obviously never met one. i have met many and each one has been an angel.

she told me she wanted to buy a picture for this particular friend who had helped her, a picture she found in the thrift store, which shares its space with the food bank, but that she wasn't able to.

why not? i asked.

she looked down and said rather quietly that she didn't have enough money.

how much do you need? i asked.

twenty five cents, she replied.

is that all?! i asked, laughing, digging into my purpose and handing her a quarter.

the look in her eyes touched my heart. pure joy and gratitude.

i told her i would save her place in line while she went and bought the picture. she brought it back and showed it to me. two cows with angel halos over their head.

my friend loves cows and i love angels, she said.

perfect.

it was then her turn to receive her food. i stayed occupied by chatting with an old friend who i saw had been shopping at the thrift store. he's the kind of person who is friends with everyone he meets. close to 90, sharp as a tack and loves to share with you everything he has read, seen, done, etc..

as my quarter friend, as i decided to call her, turned to leave, she looked at me and said "this money you just gave me, you will be blessed abundantly by this!"

ok where are the tissues when you need them??? i thought.

"you know, it's me who needs to thank you. helping you out has made me feel really good. you gave me a real gift today. thank you," i said.

and with that, she and i parted.

that event was beautiful and magical all around, something i feel i was meant to be a part of. today something happened to me that made me feel i was meant to be a part of it as well, and even though it has a happy ending, the event itself, albeit it only a flash of time, was horrifying.

i was out and about, taking care of errands and dropping off some material at my employers office. my next stop was to be the library. at first i wanted to park out back but something told me to park out front, which i did.

as i got out of my car and crossed the street to the library, i noticed a woman walking down the steps, 3 female toddlers in tow. yikes, i thought, both envying and empathizing with the woman. one toddler caught my eye. not quite 3, amazingly beautiful light blonde hair, the kind that is almost white, blue eyes. she looked precocious. turns out i was right.

no sooner had i looked at her did i notice she looked across the street, saw the park, said "PARK!" with great enthusiasm, and off she went, running right out into the street, the woman who was with her occupied with the other 2 toddlers, not seeing this terrifying decision.

instinct took over. without thinking, i ran after her, stayed to her right to block any car from hitting her, thinking a car would hit me instead. thank god the car that was approaching was going slow enough so that it was able to stop. and thank god the woman saw this happen, for she screamed out the childs name (which i don't even recall) and the little girl, thank god, ran back to the safety of the sidewalk, leaving me standing there in the street for a moment, shaken, but oh god so relieved the little girl was safe in the arms of her adult caretaker.

walking up the steps towards the library, the woman called out a "thank you!" to me and went back to telling the little girl how she was never to do such a thing again! one witness, a mama, who was sitting on one of the benches with her young boy, said to me as I walked by, "my heart is racing just watching it from here! i cannot imagine how yours is!"

i smiled, putting my hand on my chest, and said "it should return to normal sometime next year!"

as i went inside, the shock wore off and i was overcome with the desire to cry. tears filled my eyes. thankfully i had on my sunglasses, although i looked around, hoping to find someone i knew. i wanted to be held at that moment. the whole thing also brought me back to my own childhood, where i witnessed one of my best little girlfriends get hit by a car when i was 6. terrifingly horrific thing for anyone to witness, let alone a child. thankfully my little friend survived.

so as i said, something so terrifying for a moment, ended in a way that i can only describe now as absolute relief. and gratitude.

will this little girl remember this event or will it get stored deep within her subconscious along with all the other events that she will experience the first 3 years of her life? i know this woman will remember this event and the one above it forever. for i was given a gift from the universe, a gift that reminded me i am important, that i am here for a reason. and that i do play a part in this magical, chaotic game of life.

nina

celebrity obsession and the "wisdom" of oprah

i have not been able to watch much of the oprah show since she announced in utter surprise, in all sincerity, to an audience member, "you mean you have NEVER heard of prada??!!" (there were other things that contributed to my decision, but this one was the one thing that had me saying "enough. i am finished watching this show".)

now at the time, i didn't even know what prada was. today i know it's simply another over-priced line of clothing and accessories, sold under the illusion to make you better than the rest or to put you in the ranks of the elite. what a bunch of useless nonsense for fabric, leather and thread.

yesterday i was not feeling well, so i spent most of the day resting. i decided to turn on the tv after awhile and noticed oprah was on. she was talking about the obsession we americans have with celebrities. can't argue there. seems to be the news stations deem it more important to find out what is up with angelina and brad or who has had the latest divorce, marriage, baby in hollywood than it does of informing us of more important subjects, such as the current bill in the house of reps. that will create a committee to look into impeachment. nope. americans don't wanna know about THAT.

so back to oprah. here she was sitting in her billion dollar studio, in her billion dollar leather or suede chair, with her billion dollar wardrobe and her billion dollar perfectly coifed hair (she looked like diana ross out of the 60's yesterday, btw--as her newest creation dr. phil would say "what was she thinking?!") talking about celebrity obsession. here she was talking in that oh so proper, know-it-all way of hers how obsessed we are.

does this woman fail to realize that when she has on a celebrity, she goes GA GA over them??? that she pumps up the audience with huge praises and comments about this INCREDIBLE/AMAZING/BEAUTIFUL putting mr/ms celebrity on a pedestal so high that not even God Itself could reach??? does this woman not have a CLUE that she helps create the very sickness she says we as americans suffer from???

i hesitate to say this, being it's really insulting, especially coming from me as a woman, but this is my blog and i'll say whatever i feeeeeeeeeeeeel like expressing, and right now i feeeeeeeeeel like saying "miss oprah needs to be bitch-slapped!"

knock her down a couple of notches. bring her back to reality.

does she ever welcome her unfamous guests with so much energy and adoration??? why not??? aren't they every bit as worthy and deserving as her celebrity guests???

put this out there to her and she is likely to say they are giving the audience what they want.

good point. however, being she has classified this as an obsession and an addiction, would she host a show on how to make the best alcoholic drinks for your next party to a bunch of alcoholics?

of course not. so why is she continiuing to feed this obsession and addiction by her own celebrity glorification?

because she can. because it increases her ratings.

next time she shows this "concern" over the celebrity obsession, i hope someone has a barf bag on hand that i may use. at the very least, i hope one of her counselor experts has the courage to speak up and point out oprah's own unlooked at contribution and responsibility towards this ever-growing obsession.

nina

trying to put to use my assertiveness skills is harder than it looks on paper....

..........especially when i am dealing with long-term noise pollution by inconsiderate, drug-dealing neighbors. after months of being woken up after 1am, after months of being woken up at 8am with thumping music, after months of watching vehicles visit the property, staying 5-10 minutes, often with a driver or passenger (which has included small kids and dogs) staying inside the vehicle, after months of having to ask some of these "visitors" to move their vehicles so that we can pull our car in or out of our driveway, after months of reporting this to the police, speaking with the owner, and speaking with these punks ourselves, i snapped a twig last friday. we both did.

my husband was kept up until around 3am with their loud talking and laughing outside. i have had come to rely on earplugs, which i despise using as they are not comfortable to me, so i slept through the noise. the alarm went off at 8am. hub went into the shower. i stayed in bed for another hour or so. when i finally rolled my sleepy ass out of bed, i hit the potty. i looked at my hub, standing in front of the bathroom mirror. he looked exhausted. bags were under his eyes. oh honey, i said, did you not get enough sleep last night? he just looked at me and sighed, pointed next door. neighbor kids again, he said.

anger began to rise in me. not an unusual occurrence. these kids and their noise and "visitors" has caused me to feel anger that i have never felt towards any neighbor. i focused my intention on calming down. i am, afterall, trying to change my life by focusing my thoughts at what some call a higher frequency level. i just like to say i'm trying not to be so dang pissy and depressed about my life and the human condition.

fixing the morning cup of coffee, i took deep breaths. as i went to put in a slice of bread into the toaster, that's when it began. the thumping of the music, coming through my kitchen walls. they're up, i thought. they were awake at 2am and they're up at 9am. what 20 year old does that??? i thought. i hear friends words go through my mind. nina, they're probably doing crack or meth. two police officers have told me the same thing. nina, they can stay up for days on that stuff. look at the pock marks on their face. look at their rotting teeth. the sullen look on their faces. i simply haven't wanted to embrace these things. they're babies to me. BABIES!

thump, thump, thump, i hear. babies, indeed, i think. they're ruining my peace and quiet!! i pound on the wall, hoping the music will go down a notch or two. nope. instead it went up.

as i made my toast, i drummed my fingers on the countertop, again trying to remain calm. i am at peace, i tell myself. i am calm, i tell myself.

thump thump thump...........

i am at peace. i am calm. all is well. i am at peace. i am......

thumpa thumpa thumpa........

wall is now rattling. i think back to what the police officer told me. unless the music is actually causing things to fall off the walls, they aren't breaking any ordinances, at least during the daytime hours. you'll either have to tolerate it or move was his advice.

i am at peace. i am calm. all is well. i i i i um i am NO I AM NOT I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF I AM SICK OF HAVING MY CALM MOMENTS INTERRUPTED BY LOUD MUSIC AND LOUD NOISES OUTSIDE AND FOOT TRAFFIC AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT AND CARS BLOCKING MY DRIVEWAY I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE............

well, i obviously had had it, for i used my foot (which had snow boots on them at the time--been rather cold and wet out west lately) instead of my hand to pound on the wall. luck was in my corner considering how hard i kicked the wall. it still escapes the minds of my hub and myself why i did not put a giant hole in the wall.

as i pouned away with my foot, i screamed through the wall "TURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING GANGSTER BULLSHIT MUSIC AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT YOU DRUG DEALING LITTLE PUNKS, TAKE YOUR FUCKING NOISE INSIDE AT NIGHT OR I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASSES!"

by this time, my hub had of course come out to observe what the commotion was. he was a smart man that morning--he simply let me blow up into a million different fragments.

i thought i was done. however, apparently i wasn't. when we stepped outside, i noticed two of the kids outside in their driveway, an older female (50's) with them. i had seen this woman before and felt she was one of their illegal "visitors".

"who are you and what are you doing here?" i boldly asked. i ignored all inner thoughts of keeping the peace. fuck that. the part of me that operates on lack of sleep had taken over instead.

apparently she wasn't a mother, for she just gave me a stunned look, said "uh oh" and walked away. yeah, walk away you addict, i remember thinking. wow. what was happening to me? my dark side making an appearance obviously. normally i have had nothing but sympathy and utter empathy for addicts. that is until they began showing up at my house.

hub put on the dad hat and demanded of the kids, "what is WRONG with you people??"

"what do you mean you people?" one of the kids said with obvious youthful rebellion.

"who do you think he means? YOU. and YOU!" i said, pointing to his roommate.

"look, i have HAD IT with you kids keeping us up at all hours with your music and your laughter and talking outside. see that wall there? that's right. that wall also happens to be our BEDROOM wall. that means every single conversation you have, every laugh and every word you utter is heard by us. doesn't matter if it's 10am or 3am. we HEAR you. and it's the late night talking that we have asked you to stop. that the owner has asked you to stop and you have refused to respect that. and I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! TELL ME what i am supposed to do to get it through to you kids??"

"i have no idea what you're talking about. no one's said anything to me about that."

thank god my husband was there. if he wasn't, i may have just jumped on him. i may have grabbed him by the chest and rammed him into the wall. i was that angry. and my patience was truly out.

instead, my husband said "come on honey, let's go" and he and i left.

since that time, i have found out the owner is evicting them. is this slander what i am doing? i could easily give their names and their address but for obvious reasons, i won't be doing that. no, what i think this is is one woman's attempt to enjoy her RIGHT to live in a neighborhood that is quiet, where illegal activity is not tolerated and where neighbors who have concerns with one another respect one another when expressing those concerns.

that is until that respect is tossed out the window and is instead met with resistance and even an increase in the issues.

i can now truly see why wars are begun. that propensity for violence is ingrained in every one of us, waiting to come out swinging, especially when basic necessities, including the necessity to enjoy regular, peaceful sleep and quiet, are tampered with for any on-going period of time.

my hope? if these kids are dealing and/or using the hard toxic crap, they get the help, support and love they need.

my concern? if they are making the hard toxic crap, my household is already contaminated with their money making "habit".

my wishes? homes are made sound-proof to outside noise. thumping stereos are outlawed. and respect of ones neighbors basic rights are understood and embraced and practiced by all. and the creation of deadly chemicals to get high by putting into the body is eradicated. war on drugs, indeed. let's remove all drugs from our government's list of "no no's" that are shown to be safe for most people and instead focus on the remaining drugs that are deadly and focus on what the problem really is about: war on the body, mind and soul.

nina

kewel moments of serendipity

i absolutely love those moments where some thought, intention, desire i have put out into the universe is magically answered. and i especially love it even more when i don't have to really put much effort into the process. it is like swimming downstream with the current rather than upstream.

in my previous post, i discussed the volcanic dream i had, which has left me wondering ever since if i had a prophetic dream. since writing that post, i have seen article after article, including in our own small town paper, about tetonic plate movements and the potential for volcanic activity as a result. when i'm not feeding my internet addition, i record books onto audio cassette for a living. my latest book available for me to read, that i picked up last week? a survival guide for earthquake victims. not only was it a survival guide, but a survival guide for the particular geographic area in which i live.

coincidence? i think not.

for some time now i have had the desire to reconnect with an old friend whom i lost contact with. he was like a big brother to me, protective and kind to me from the get-go, and our relationship was sibling-like in its nature. last week i had a dream where i was embracing someone who felt very familiar. it felt as though i was saying hello again to an old friend. a name went through my mind as i hugged him. the same name of this friend of mine.

so yesterday afternoon i decided on a whim to do an internet search for him. now whenever i have done this in the past for other long-lost friends, i have always come up short handed. however, with this friend, he came up in the #5 spot in my search. i went to the website, found his contact information and sent him an e-mail. 10 minutes tops. all so very easy. almost too easy. you see, i tend not to trust moments such as these given i have created a life that has been primarily about struggle and forced will. when things happen so easily like this, i tend to have that "look over my shoulder" distrustful feeling. can my life really be more like this and less about struggle? yes, i believe it can.

what was such a wonderful feeling, for me, was one i had this morning. i hadn't checked my e-mail box to see if my long ago friend had responded. but i knew that even if i didn't hear back from him, that was ok. the idea that i had had the desire to contact him and how easy it was, and the fact that i had found him and did indeed contact him was enough for me. the results from here on out were not important to me. and that is truly a miracle for someone like me, ms. results-oriented control freak that i am. i enjoyed that journey, albeit it brief, of simply seeing a desire manifest so easily.

that being said, he did respond back, with enthusiasm. his old gift of gab not changing one bit, it felt as though we simply picked up where we left off some 8 years ago.

those serendipitous moments.............all right there for the taking. so quiet is the voice and the urgings, pointing us to those moments. but so loudly powerful are the feelings within when the results fulfill our desire.

nina

prophetic dream?

i had a dream about 3 years ago. it occurred before i began studying global warming, weather control/manipulation and the coming (supposed) earth changes. i have never forgotten it. most days, it doesn't even enter my mind. however, on occasion it pops back into my mind, leaving me to wonder if it was more than just a dream. if it was, in fact, a vision of the future, a very near future. given what i read on the internet after i had my dream and most especially what i have read lately, i am having this nagging feeling it is a dream to definitely pay attention to.

i live in a fairly small, rural area out west. in the dream, i was visiting a large metro area, a couple of hours north from here. not out of the ordinary, given that is where many family members live. the characters in the dream were myself, my husband, my brother and his son, my nephew. a huge weather condition was underway, a volcano to be exact. it appeared to me that mt. rainier had blown. lava was spilling down (southward) the willamette river, headed in the opposite direction of the current, which normally runs northward. the four of us were in our car, my husband driving. we headed east across the river to a suburb i was familiar with as a child. i had a feeling this place had something to do with my mom, who at the time divided up her time in california and the central part of our state. at the time of the dream, she was in california. also at the time of the dream, my brother and his family lived at the base of mt. rainier, in a different state, and i recall thinking in the dream how miraculous it was that they were not at home at the time but instead were with us.

we headed over the river, barely making it i might add, for the lava was flowing at great speed, spilling over the banks, causing the river to rise quickly and dramatically. i sent out a prayer as i looked toward the central region of our state, seeing some of the mountain peaks which were so close to my mom's home at the time. i wasn't sure where she was at the time. i can recall telling myself in the dream "she's in california" (which she indeed was in waking reality)--but that didn't feel right to me. i hoped she had gotten out safely for i had a feeling some of these mountains were the next to blow. i knew inside--this was not just a one-time event but the beginning of a sequence of volcanic eruptions, all part of the ring of fire (which i later learned about).

i woke up, heart pounding, with a strong feeling i needed to remember this dream.

what is strange to me, what first gives me pause for concern that it may have been a dream of the future is two events that have taken place since that dream. the first being my mother moved to this particular subarb in which the four of us were traveling to. and my brother and his family left their state and moved back down to our area. both moves that happened rather quickly and unexpectedly last year. so the fact that my dream prophesized both of these factors has given me rising concern for the reality of this dream.

after my dream, i began doing some research to see if i could find something or someone who was talking about earth changes, volcanos, etc. i was pretty amazed at what i found. a lot of information pointing to a time in the future when, given current plate movements up and down the western coastal region, as well as changes being witnessed along the ring of fire, the possibility for the scenario as outlined in my dream was a very strong possibility.

last night, while browsing the internet in search for a book i am interested in, i happened upon a website, created by a meterologist, who spoke of the earth changes now taking place--changes the local and national news won't speak about. he said mt. rainier is indeed active and he believes is in real danger of blowing in the upcoming months. his concern is for this "ring of fire", meaning he believes there will not be just one volcano (caused by an earthquake, at least that's his theory) but several. same scenario as played out in my dream.

if i had had this dream after i began doing my research, i would chalk it up to a mere dream--something i had due to information i had gathered during my waking hours. but given i had this dream before i studied a thing about how our earth is changing gives me a creepy feeling inside that i may just have had a vision of the future. wouldn't be the first time i have had such a dream. i had a dream about the challenger crashing the very same day it happened. and there was my laci peterson dream, which i will blog about later. i had it about a month after-the-fact, after she had been reported missing, but the details turned out to be just what detectives had put together.

i don't wish to be an alarmist. however, i felt it was a good idea to put this out on the internet for others to read. it is a wise idea to be prepared for emergencies, just in case. maybe others have had similar or the same dream scenario. i would sure like to discuss this with someone as most have shown little interest or think it merely a dream full of coincidences. well i know better than that. there are no coincidences. at the very least, i "saw" the truth of my brother and my mother moving to this area. and at the very most, at the very worst i would say, i saw a vision of a future i can only hope i or my family never experience.

nina