Saturday Spewing

http://www.rense.com/general69/lfc.htm there. this ought to be a good read, especially being it's tax season.............ok apparently my return key isn't being recognized by blogger.com, so i'll resort to using a string of periods to separate my thoughts.......today as i put myself together after showering, i thought about the things we girls, we women, do to make ourselves appear pretty and presentable. take undergarments. now i myself rarely wear a bra. i don't do it to make a statement. i don't do it to gather attention. i made this choice because i am simply more comfortable going without one. and i saw a report a good 10 years ago about a study done by an anthropologist. she discovered that countries whose women rarely or do not wear bras have significantly fewer rates of breast cancer. she actually stumbled upon this whole deal by accident. she was staying at some resort and when the cleaning attendant came in to clean her room, she looked at the anthropologists bra hanging on the shower curtain and asked her quite curiously what it was. confused at first, the anthro. then became amused when she realized the maid really didn't know what a bra was. the anthropologist then later found out that the women of this particular island had close to a 0% incidence of breast cancer. and she also found out that even the women who had very large breasts did not experience the back and neck pain that large breasted western women often experience. she discovered that the muscles surrounding the breast offer adaquate support to the breasts..............even in mexico, where pollution is a real problem, there was a very low incidence of breast cancer because most women did not wear bras.......her theory was that bras constrict and do not allow adequate blood flow.....whatever her theory was, all of this was fascinating to me and from that day on, i made the choice to live my life as a bra-less woman.........i am more comfortable........no longer restricted...........free. just as the breasts were meant to be. ok so more on undergarments.............thongs.............who in the hell could ever wear these things?????? i've tried.........honest to god i've tried............i've tried all different types............spoken with lingerie experts...........heard all sorts of comments "you have to find the right type"..........and my favorite "you will get used to the feeling" (LIE)...........torture...........it's simply torture to intentionally place anything in a place in the body that typically cries out "REMOVE OBJECT" when anything accidentally drops in for a visit..........and frankly even though my husband would disagree, i think thongs look disgusting from the rear view no matter how beautiful your butt..........i myself happen to love my round little tushie, but even i know that with a thong on, it looks like my dental floss got lost up my ass.........what we women do...............sigh............i had a conversation with my mother today on the phone..............it was from my dear sweet mother that i got the annoying voices in my head that tell me how IMPORTANT it is to be perfect, pretty, polite and always groomed when going out.............today she was telling me how great i looked when she saw me a couple of weeks ago...........i was having a 'bad' hair day and threw it on top of my head in a makeshift ponytail.............well mom loved it and said it made me look 'younger'..............i am 40 years old..........you don't say that to any woman over the age of 39, daughter or not......and truth be told, i look older with my hair up and younger with it down..........you look 'good' is what she says........not beautiful.........never heard her say that word to me..........i have craved that word from her my entire life........when i first met my husband, i told her how often he tells me i am beautiful, how wonderful it feels to hear that word...............odd that when i tell that to my mother she had nothing to say....just that deadpan silence of hers......is she jealous of me???? is it so difficult for her to tell me i am beautiful????? i tell her she is beautiful and gorgeous and pretty every time i see her--because she really is. but after 40 years, she cannot bring herself to say any of those words to me? i always look "good". that's it. 'good'. growing up she made it a point to tell me at the very vulnerable age of 14 that i wasn't pretty and never would be, but that i was 'cute'...however, my friend standing next to me at the time was pretty.........and could be a model while i never could be........whoever says major life changes do not come in under 30 seconds is a f'ing liar......what little esteem for myself i had at that time was pretty much tossed out the door.....it isn't like she cannot SAY the words--she often says those words when describing friends daughters or other women..............it's probably a control issue........my hair is pretty long and wavy...........i love scrunching it up with some mousse and letting it dry by itself........wild and free............just like my breasts............mom definitely does NOT like this look..........too wild...........too unrestricted.............why, i just might go climb a tree and take off my top, calling out to my husband to make wild passionate love to me............CANNOT HAVE THE DAUGHTER DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT NOW! : ) honest to god.....frequently i look at my mother and wonder how in the hell i could have come from her.........my innate self, when i am not letting the motherly voices of insecurity and restriction dominate my mind and choices, is passionate..........intense..............wild..........outspoken.........i love my mom............and yet if she were a friend, i'd of walked away years ago..............ok gotta take a moments break to toss down some jelly beans to soothe some pain that's decided to creep in and say 'hi'............back........i am an emotional eater............i know it............i was watching the show starting over and one of the life coaches was talking about the importance of giving up all addictions and vices..........no way.......life is simply too painful for me at times to do that............at least i am AWARE of my vices...i figure i'm doing pretty darn ok.......i'm aware of the choices i make........just know i gotta love myself more than i do...........about the looks thing..........i am recalling a memory when i am in junior high school.............my mom is in her curlers........no make-up...........she is asking me to run into the 7-11 to pick her out some sanitary pads...........the feeling of terror i felt...........i cannot go inside i might see someone i know what if i see john he might think that i am buying these for meeeeeeee, my pre-pubescent mind races..........i remember looking at her, pleading, no mom please i don't want to do that........and i remember she looked right back at me, pissed off in a way only a mother can get.........you march right in there and do as i say i cannot go in the store looking like this don't you care how i feel?! she fires off at me............at that time in my life, yes i did, so i obediently went into the store.......it was a few years later that i stopped caring.........my brother the always logical, always analytical type once said a couple of years ago "you know, growing up, mom and dad didn't care for our emotional needs. all they did was make sure we had a home to live in and food to eat and clothes to wear." BINGO, i thought. he'd finally seen the light. then he blacked out again by saying 'but i am not angry about that.'.......of course he was only partially right............my physical need for a home was never secure in that my dad decided to kick me out when i was 5 for hitting my brother only to order me back in the house after i had walked out the door with my suitcase..........he held that over my head as a possibility if i ever 'was bad' again.........of course i know now it was just a weird ass, sick parenting technique, but my child self believed him and i always lived in fear that if i did something wrong, i'd be tossed out into the street..........and my clothing need was satisfied until i was 12 when my father announced i needed to get a job and buy my own clothes from there on out.....he was serious....it wasn't just one of his usual banters....... so i began babysitting and buying my own clothes.........the truly sick part was he would go off on me in raging fits now and then when he would ask how much money i had and what i had spent it on......seemed that the more stylish type clothing i would choose to buy (with my own money), the angrier he would become..........so in a nutshell i had a mother who taught me how important looks were but that i would never be pretty.............and a father who taught me that if i attempted to make myself fit in and look pretty i would be raged upon...........don't ask me what i was told i was when i wanted to begin going out to boy-girl parties with friends...........let's just say the word begins with the letter 'w'............no wonder the shrink i saw for awhile told me i never knew what to expect as a child and later, as an adult...........am i coming or am i going or am i simply not going anywhere???? dang..................today as mom (who divorced my father over 15 years ago and has since regretted it) was reliving her usual fantasy diatribe about what a wonderful, loving, attentive father my dad was, i began to think, "you and dad owe me over $10,000. money for therapy that if you hadn't sucked so much as parents, i wouldn't have needed to invest in order to learn how to be a healthy, functioning adult member of society. money that was taken away by father to spend on his mid-life mistress, money that was supposed to go for my college education. money that was supposed to help pay for my wedding. money that should have been spent on me to provide me clothing from 12 up............." so many things..................my question remains how does one give themselves those unfulfilled child needs when the relationships you have now are adult-based???? the term "parenting yourself" is stupid. i've done the little exercises. they simply don't fill in those inner holes. new age types like to say the holes are an illusion. maybe at the soul level. the human part of me knows there are holes.............i guess maybe what i read a few weeks ago is indeed true.........during the first 3 years of life if a child doesn't form a loving, totally trusting bond with at least one adult, chances are they never will. no wonder most of us are so fucked up. we're just good at hiding it. we have our vices and addictions. and we have the myriad of ways to dress ourselves up to put on the mask that says "i am ok." the truth is, most of us do not feel "ok". and yet oddly enough, i think we can all be ok with admitting that.